married man's messages--mindreader wanted

I'm going off track a bit here but I just wanted to reply about telling the wife.
Yeah if the other woman tells the wife well that will be the end of her affair with the married man unless the wife chucks him out. Even then he may be so angry that he won't want anything to do with the other woman. Also if he does go to the other woman there will always be the feeling that she got him by default and he will be resentful.

But I would think it is cruel for the other woman to tell the wife just to get revenge on the married man who is staying put because he chooses to remain in the marriage. That is just plain vindictive.

Getting back to distraught, she does know what she has to do but believe me it is not always easy, but it has to be done. I think she has just got caught up in the whole thing and is probably thinking that the wife is the married man's "problem" not her's. Some married men are such good liars that they can pursue the affair without it interfering too much with their marriage. However, it is only when they get careless, that they wise up and realise what they have to lose. I know of a man who was caught out in an affair, finished the affair and promised his wife the affair was over. Then 4 months later he phoned the other woman to take up where they left off. Luckily she told him to bog off.

I was being sarcastic about her going to the wife trophy, maybe I should have put a at the end of it.

however, I don't advocate telling the wife, because as you said it would be cruel....but other than that....

who cares if the wife kicks him out....she should kick him out, it's what he deserves.

who cares if the man hooks up with the woman he's been screwing on the side, and thinks she's 2nd best...then she gets what she deserves.

Except for some very unusual circumstances, a woman or man who takes up with a married person is automatically putting themselves in 2nd place.

I won't settle for being someones second place.

Frankly, I don't think someone who gets involved with someone who's off limits should be treated with kid gloves.

If a married person shows interest in someone, that that someone is interested back. He/she needs to lay it on the line. Show me the divorce papers and then we'll talk.

He/she can't get divorced for any one of a million and one reasons? Life's tough and you're out of luck with this one. Find one who's available.

I agree that is the best way for him to get divorced first.
The majority of mm that have affairs have no intention of leaving their marriage. So in no way would they get a divorce and then start dating--they are far too spineless for that. Quite often these men start moralising about others and how they lead their lives, without taking a good look in the mirror themselves.

My mm used to say to me that I wouldn't want it if he got divorced and it might not work out. Hello--I think he meant that HE would not want it (trying to make it look as though he was doing me a favour!). The other thing is that as long as they are being careful, the affair does actually "help" their marriages in the sense that mm's needs are being met. I do remember that my mm told a mutual friend that there were big problems in his marriage when we split for quite a while. But as you say a mistress is only ever second best and the mm will lose what little respect he has for you, the longer you hang around.

Tell mm that you won't be intimate with him as it is too painful, and you will soon see what he is about. Distraught I hope you are reading this.

Well I need to give you all an update.
I am standing in line in the bank when he appears beside me. I just mumble "hi". Anyway when I'm done and I go out the door, he is waiting outside in the parking lot.

I just said to him casually "How are you?" and he said that he was absolutely fine which is his way of telling me that he is OK without me and getting on with things. He didn't look fine and he had definitely put on weight since I last saw him.
Then I made a move to go (I decided ignoring him was the best policy) and he said "Look I know I keep saying that I will phone. Well I will at the beginning of next week. I will call you and then you can call me back and I said "What?". He said "well I might not have any change for the phone box".
With that, any feelings I ever had for him went right out the window and I stalked off. I am glad that I met him because now I can see him for what he is--an absolute pi-- taker. Fancy going out of his way to say that to me-for what purpose?

Don't worry, I know that you have all given your opinion on him BUT this latest episode takes the biscuit. I decided as I was walking away from him that I have no idea whatsoever why he said this to me but it felt that he was trying to humiliate me and show me that I am of no consequence to him.

What the hell's a pi-- taker?

pick taker?
pill taker?
piss taker?
pizl taker?
pike taker?

That it. Pike taker.

dirty pike taker.

PISS TAKER--that describes him the best.

oh...

a pizl taker is even worse.

Chai, what is a Pizl taker--I have led a sheltered life.

Don't forget the rest of my post and what happened today. It's got to be worth a comment!

No, not really.

A pizl is akin to a schmutkis.

Beware pizl-rot.

Distraught--

Prince Charming--with a bit of a paunch and the beginnings of a bald spot and rusty armor that squeaks.

Actually, he couldn't have picked a better way to end the affair. All the dignity is on your side. You are rid of a disorganized cheapskate.

Congratulations!

Yeap Noddy, you are right there.

No need for me to give him the satisfaction of telling him what an asso he's been and how he needs to grow up and resolve the hatred and self esteem issues within himself.
Those words did it all for him. He certainly has let himself go as well.

In future if our paths cross, I will be able to ignore him and not give him one more opportunity to insult and degrade me.
I feel so much better about eveything.

Funny how things that you don't expect to happen can clear everything up for you.

That's excellent news. Now perhaps you're ready to go a little further. Take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if you ever wanted to be the other woman (surely that was never a childhood goal) and if you ever want to do it again. Love a tough game, with tough consequences. And playing the game with MM decreases your chances of winning 20 fold (at least). Pretty shitty gamble, that. Have enough self respect to never let it happen again (if you can help it).
Good luck… and welcome to A2K.

Just wanted to say a big thanks to the people who gave me advice--which I did eventually take.

And I have learnt a lesson, I will never get involved with a married man.
I always thought that the married man was selfish, but I can see that I am as selfish as he is. If you mess with fire you will get burnt and now that I have pulled myself out of the gutter (where he put me) there is only one way, and that is up. A great weight has been lifted from my shoulder. I just wanted a more dignified clear cut ending.

Lesson learnt the hard way, but learnt nevertheless.

He's probably afraid if he actually says "goodbye, it's over" to you, that you'll freak out and contact his wife and spill the beans about what's been going on for so long.

Just stop it all; end all contact, and stop thinking about him. Find someone else that's available to you and who really cares about you.

glad to hear that, distraught. your brighter tomrorrow is just beginning.

and remember this for if you ever get married yourself.

then you'll know what it's like when the shoe is on the other foot.


funny how that'll change your perspective.