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Tue 27 Feb, 2007 09:44 am
Maybe it is jsut me but when a relationship is over then I happily admit it is over (to the other person) and get on with my life.
Now why can't my married man do this?
I won't bore you with all the details but I have been seeing him for 2 years and he has 2 children--one back living at home because he got into debt and his Dad bailed him out. I am talking serious money--thousands of dollars and his son said that he wants to be rich. Not a very good start.
Clearly things are not a bundle of laughs at home.
He is not very good at communicating. Once he told me that he was flying to Chicago on business and I said that he should phone me when he was in his hotel. Well he never did and further down the line he admitted that he thought I would have gone with him. But he never actually said "I would like you to come with me". He thought he had said enough to imply it.
So now you know what I am dealing with.
Anyway recently he has been withdrawing from me and I think that his wife has been calling when he is with me and suddenly he can't meet me at the weekends or the evenings like he used to. Not every weekend, but certainly some weekends. When he returned from his holiday last year, his wife went to stay with her mother and he decided he wanted to stay at home. Well we saw alot of each other--he stayed at my place until about 11.0pm although he had phoned her before he came round to see me. However, if she was suspicious, she could have phoned their house later on and he wouldn't have been in. So that was quite a risk he took, but those days are over.
I want to know why he took that risk and yet now he is backing off leaving me feelinhg hurt because he hasn't properly explained himself. When I last saw him which was 3 weeks ago he said that he would phone soon and I have heard nothing. He knows I want an explanation as things have changed.
Why did he do this?
Why not just say that the affair was over and that I should get on with my life. I cannot concentrate on my job as my head is full of him and I need answers to enable me to heal. Like I say, I would have preferred for him to say that we should both move on, even if he wouldn't tell me the true reason (guilt, wife getting suspicious). I cannot believe that he was tryiing to let me down gently. Oh and when we last met in a cafe, he made a point of seeking me out to say this. It wasn't as if I put him on the spot.
Any possible explanations would be greatly appreciated.
Why wouldn't he split up with his wife if he fell in love with you?
He's already shown he's a person who is willing to do the wrong thing -- maybe to avoid confrontation, maybe to keep his options open, who knows. Of course it would be more decent of him to break things off with you cleanly rather than just not calling in forever, but is that such a huge surprise for you that he's doing it?
Hope things are resolved to your satisfaction, though.
(Re-reading -- what did he seek you out in the cafe to say? Didn't quite get that.)
Re: married man's messages--mindreader wanted
distraught wrote:Maybe it is jsut me but when a relationship is over then I happily admit it is over (to the other person) and get on with my life.
Now why can't my married man do this?
You answered you own question right at the beginning.
The relationship is over, get on with your life.
Or is that something you don't want to hear?
I agree with sozobe and Chai. It's over. But it might not be completely over. When things get rough with his wife, he attempt to reconnect with you. Don't be taken in. Move on.
Thanks for yor reply.
The cafe is the last time that I asw him-it wasn't planned. He came over to me and made a big thing about saying that he would call soon. If he had said "See you around or see you later" that would have been ok and I would have known it was over.
This has happened before, after I told him that I loved him. That was on a Friday--he said he would call me Monday and he went sick from work for 5 weeks and never called me. So there is a bit of history.
I know it won't change the advice this is but just to explain it.
Like I say he really sounded convincing about phoning me so I guess he might be under pressure at home and that is why he is behaving in a bizzare fashion. He does like me to chase after him. Once when I didn't phone (after I said I would) he called me to specifically ask why I hadn't called--I did have a good reason.
I am afraid that I don't feel like chasing after him because I feel like he set me up. What have I ever done to him to punish me? Absolutely nothing except questioning what the hell is going on!
Heavens distraught, don't you see how you are being played for a fool?
Again, you say you would happily admit it's over and move on. Do it.
How big a rock does he have to hit you on the head with before you realize he has long ago said "it's over"?
Chai--what do you mean when you said it was over ages ago. Do you mean when he went sick for 5 weeks? Well he still came back to me and resumed the affair.
What I am getting at is--he might still be keeping his options open if I let him.
Why else would he do the "I will phone you" routine?
to get rid of you comfortably. it's easier than to say: "i've had enough fun, i'm done, let's call this done."
many men and women do that. "i'll call you" doesn't mean anything else than "bye bye, i'm gonna go now..." just a wimp's way out, that's all.
why don't you send him a message ... stop taking his phone calls and don't open the door to him if he drops by.
Yeah. It gets them out of the immediate situation. Easier. Wimpier.
And if I bump into him again, how do I behave?
I feel like telling him what a sadistic sh-t head he is, and he ought to grow up and start acting like a man and he had better be careful when he messes with peoples' emotions and his wife is welcome to him.
Another part of me (and this is probably the better option), is to act like I couldn't care a less, and to be polite and say to him that I am just on my way to meet a friend for lunch. I won't even mention the on existent phone calls. Before he can start the "I'll call you crap" I will say "well I'll see you later alligator" or something suitably flippant.
I don't want to run off without saying anything or he will know that he has got to me.
Tell him what a selfish **** head he is and that he ought to grow up and start acting like a man and that he had better be careful when he messes with people's emotions and his wife is welcome to him.
Then lean in close, and tell him that you want to be absolutely clear -- you do not want to see him ever again. If he calls, you will not respond. If you see him, you will walk away. If he addresses you, you will ignore him.
Then follow through.
no, if you say something he'll know he got to you.
this relationship was over before it began. he's married.
you need to make it a firm policy not to screw married men.
i like the second option, too. it's usually harder on man's ego, too. it has style, delivers the message, leaves your dignity intact.
I think this situation calls for clarity. (He doesn't already know he's gotten to her?) No outs, no possible alternatives, just done done done.
Quote: married man's messages--mindreader wanted
The message is - he's married. Things were convenient for messing around for awhile. It's over.
No mind-reading required.
<and he doesn't seem very nice at the best of times - by your description of him>
He likes having a wife.
He likes having a mistress when his wife isn't giving him considerable grief about having a mistress.
He likes having a mistress on his conditions. One of these conditions is that she not be inconvenient in any way. Only his wife is allowed to be inconvenient.
Yes, you should end this mess.
The trouble with Final Dramatic Scenes is that most spurned and betrayed women want the Final Dramatic Scene to end with the Repentant Lover on his knees, pleading for another chance.
They have Final Dramatic Scene after Final Dramatic Scene, but the SOB never reads the script and never comes though with the pleading (or the wedding ring).
Repeat: End this mess. There is no way that your words can make him repentant or miserable or wiser or more virtuous. You can't control him. You can only control yourself.
End this mess.
That's an excellent point, Noddy.
I hadn't considered that the tirade was meant to get a response. Don't count on that.
Don't count on being aloof or whatever getting a response, either, though.
Just do whatever needs to be done to end it. I tend to prefer clarity, leaving no room for "messages" (is she just playing hard to get? should I send her some flowers and grovel for a bit and then she'll take me back?). Just plain speaking that can't possibly be misinterpreted, followed up with actions that can't possibly be misinterpreted. (Don't answer his calls. Don't respond to his emails. Ignore him if you see him. Etc.)
I know it all looks doom and gloom, and he can be nice and then he can behave like a prat.
Just before Xmas he was phoning me every half hour like a maniac because I wasn't answering my land line or cell phone. I was annoyed with him because he hadn't called me for 10 days saying he was busy sorting out his son's finances. Sorry, but it takes 2 minutes to make a call.
When he did call me the next day, he wanted to pop round but I said I was busy doing some work at home. I very rarely put him off but I knew I was mking myself too available and he didn't like it. He likes me to be at his disposal and whereas some men might take it as a wake up call, he was irritated by it.
So it has all been building up and what with his son at home living, a suspicious wife and me giving off bad vibes, he decided to bail. Fine, but he went further and decided to humiliate and toy with me too, which is the bit I object to (as you might have noticed!). In fact he is going out of his way to hurt and bait/goad me. Maybe he wants me to hate him--well he is well on his way to acjieving that!
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