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Mon 26 Feb, 2007 01:56 pm
I have been married for 19 years now, the first 10 of which were great. The last 9 have been dreadful with infidelity on both sides.
Problems started after the birth of our last child. I started looking at porn, my wife spent hours each day at gym, there was little intimacy. She started refusing my advances more and more and one night told me there was someone else. She had started an affair with a guy at gym. I did not handle this well, family got involved and things were messy. I tried to make amends, but she pushed me away and would have nothing to do with me for the next 4 - 5 years.
During that time she moved out of the bedroom, we separated 3 times, she became involved with another guy at gym. I met his wife whom he had apparently left for mine, and we became good friends. Talked quite a lot and I became quite fond of her. I never touched her though, but my wife accused me of having an affair with her.
She denied having an affair with the second guy I have just mentioned. The last time we got back together again my wife made me promise to never have any contact with this lady again. I did so, but after about 6 - 7 months I gave her a call on her birthday. There was nothing more or deeper than that. In the mean time my wife started contacting her husband again (from whom she was now separated), allegedly to check if I was still having contact with her. I noticed a new hotmail account on our computer but could not access it because of the password on it. One day it was open and I saw a letter to my wife from this guy, in which he wrote in vivid detail about the sexual encounter he had had with my wife. She subsequently said it was only once, and at a time we were separated.
She now refuses any intimacy again, just like before. I don't really believe that her encounter with this guy was as she says, because I happened to see phonetext from him in which he called her babe, at the time she became involved with that friendship she went on the pill again (I'm sterilized), wouldn't touch me, hid her cellphone and had frequent calls to his work (I saw this on my phone bill).
How does one go about to try and restore this relationship in a Godly way? Does one set an ultimatum? How long should one give unconditional love before one expects some in return? Because of the fact that I broke my promise and phoned my lady friend again I feek I have no ground to stand on to make any demands for a better relationship. I really miss the intimacy of a healthy marriage.
Both of you have got to want it. More than anything or anyone else.
Why do you keep getting back together?
Let me add that I'm not trying to be snotty, I'm genuinely mystefied. Once, twice, but this seems to keep going on and on.
Thanks for the input sofar. Initially our getting back together was all because of my insistance, but it was one way traffic and never worked. The last time I gave up and walked away; my wife then came back to me and pleaded for another chance. I went back but then was confused and in 2 minds: did she really want me or was this just a convenience issue, not wanting to go through a painful separation and having financial struggles? I think this also set me up for taking a chance and maintaining the friendship that developed between me and this other lady. It was so nice to just be able to talk to someone who would respond in a friendly way.
I think both of us deeply regret the mistakes of the past and would like to heal our relationship. Just there is no trust to build on!!
I often think because there is no trust and/or intimacy, we should separate again, this time more definitely until such time that we can both make up our minds. It is just so damaging to the kids, and we don't want to put them throught that again.
So, how are the children now? I'm sure they're aware of the negative vibes surrounding the two of you.
When my parents separated for the last time it took me three days to realize it but the lack of tension in the house was better than anything.
The kids are aware of the tension, and I think they are a bit tense too. They were much more chearful and playful about a year ago when our relationship was good and things were seeming to work out. The last episode of troubles started about 6 months ago, and it now appears stagnant.
How old are your children?
16 (boy), 14 (girl), 10 (boy).
How old are you and how did your parents' divorce affect you?
I was 18 when they split up and, as I said earlier, at first it hurt but it wasn't long before I realized that it was the best thing for everyone. Our home was like an entirely different place with new air to breathe and new space to move around in.
You're not doing your kids any favors by staying together and creating an unhappy environment for them to somehow survive in.
I knew that my parents loved me, were there for me 100% and I had absolutely nothing to do with their split. That made all of the difference. My father was a mere seven digits away. That was all.
They never did divorce. They got along fine as long as they weren't living under the same roof. They remained separated, and friends, for 26 years until first my father and then my mother passed away.
Shreck--
Quote: often think because there is no trust and/or intimacy, we should separate again, this time more definitely until such time that we can both make up our minds. It is just so damaging to the kids, and we don't want to put them throught that again.
Your marriage is dead. Is it healthy for kids to live in a dead marriage with two parents depleted of energy by unhappiness and resentment.
Have you two seen a marriage counselor?
Yes we have been to counselling, but my wife felt that it did not help her. She became more resentful and felt that the counselor sided with me against her. She subsequently saw someone else on her own, to help her with her low self esteem, and she has now abandoned that as well.
She struggles with her self-esteem, works out 2 - 3 hours a day, 6 days a week and has had bulimia for many years. So I am not so sure that she is doing very well.
I have been to counselling about our marriage on my own, I have also sought help with porn in the past. At the moment I am doing fine, but often have angry feelings about her withdrawal from me as I see this as passive aggression and emotional punishment, but I accept I could be wrong here and that all this could just be related to her own personal struggles. I realise full well that I have done her wrong as well and would like to make amends.
Very confusing indeed. I don't want to be harsh with her, and would like to support her where I can, but she does not easily allow me into her inner world.
She needs to be straight up with you. Either you both want the marriage to continue and are willing to focus on that above and beyond all other outside relationships or you don't. And if you or she doesn't, than be honest about that and for everyone involved, do what needs to be done. Life is too short to commit yourself to a miserable situation.
Yeah. I'm not a big fan of ultimatums but limbo is an exceptionally unpleasant place.
It's not even an ultimatum, Soz. It's a plea for happiness, on both sides. Not to mention the children. The older kids will be grown and gone soon but there's a ten year old that deserves better.
I was saying more that I think the time has come for shreck to issue an ultimatum, even though I don't like them in general. That his wife needs to show that she is committed to saving the marriage -- by going to counseling, whatever -- or that she needs to leave the marriage.
I think shrek's been pleading plenty, but it doesn't seem to be having much effect.
Shrek's pleading has become the status quo.
That is very sad.
Limbo is always sad.
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result defines what?
My parents divorced when I was young, and the effect was very positive. It sounds like the two of you communicate pretty well (all things considered) and could probably negotiate a reasonable, peaceful split... which I think would be best for everyone involved.
Thanks people your insights are extremely helpful. I have spent a few days now typing a letter to my wife in which I advocate reconciliation, but with the proviso it is complete and with absolute dedication from both of us. The lack of intimacy, touching and what goes with it has become unbearable to me. The alternative I feel is to not continue, but to negotiate an amicable separation with free access to the kids. I find wording it slightly difficult, because I want to do it in a way that is not blaming and that would set the stage for her to be able to return. I'll ponder it a while longer 'cos 2 of the kids have their birthdays soon and I would not like to spoil it for them.
Since you are anonymous; it couldn't hurt to post your letter and get insight on that as well to more perfectly represent your position. A2K has some truly gifted writers who may be of some assistance.
Will do that as soon as I have a few more minutes. It's about 3 pages!!
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