Difficult marriage - any opinions?

Eoe, I couldn't agree less. Committing something to paper affords you 100% clarity, without regressing to the bickering that frequently accompanies unpopular discussion. Discussion is sure to follow; but this way you can make yourself clear, before the argument begins. Too often; heated discussions lead to no understanding whatsoever.

EOE I completely agree with you. It was like you could read my thoughts
before I went to the next page. A letter? That is so impersonal. So, talk to her.

Sorry OCCOM BILL but, as a women, I would not appreciate a letter in the least. It seems to me you have been married long enough to talk to her.
It also appears that you can "talk" without arguing? If so, a letter is not a good idea.

I think writing a letter is a great way of getting your thoughts together, however, I have to agree with the posts above that after 19 years together I'd expect something more personal on a matter as important as this.
But that's me and how I see it from my point of view.

Your situation seems to be a bit confused, and only knowing one side of the story makes it difficult to really decide what's going to be the best way to go about this.

From what I have read and understood, though, it seems that you have made every possible effort to save this marriage, and there's not much coming back from your wife.
But since mistakes have been made on both sides, it's a very good idea to try and solve this without (too much) blaming.

If at all possible speak to your wife in person though, even if you have to refer to you pre-written letter.

Bohne I think that was very well stated.

[quote="tryingtohelp"]Bohne I think that was very well stated.[/quote]

Thank you!
Just tryingtohelp!

In the end, only shreck knows how best to communicate with his wife.

Well last night ended in an unpleasant fight. At dinner table I told of a colleague who's wife is pregnant again with the first one just 8 months old. She became ill and he took the day off work to help her with the baby. Her first reaction was "what a nice husband to support his wife" with a sarcastic voice. I said that hurt. Then she got angry and told me that I have never given her any emotional suport, that she has never met someone as blind as me to other peoples needs and so selfish and self-centered. She said her parents had to support her when our kids were ill, and also accused me of expecting her to prepare dinner the very day she came out of hospital after surgery. I do not believe this to be true. As far as I am concerned I have always tried to get time off work for my kids and wife. I spend many hours ferrying kids to and from sport, taking time off work for their schoolfunctions, allowing her gymtime etc. And this dinner thing straight out of hospital - why would I do that? I am either pathologically narcissistic or psychopathic or she has some personality disorder. Either way our communication and interaction have become very sick. I have not given the letter. From our talk with each other last night I see no way that we can sit down and discuss things sensibly and logically. I have asked her what she wanted, and how I can win her trust back. She does not know. I have asked her to work through a marriage book with me (something like "His needs her needs" or any other) - no reply. This is what happens every time we talk. We both admit to wanting to work this through. She wants to just go from day to day with no real involvement or intimacy, to check things out , and not be hurt or "be a fool again" as she put it. I again believe whe should be more proactive, be more involved with each other and do some marital workbook or similar together. I find the situation where we live under one roof in virtual silence and walking on eggs very depressing and demoralising.

You and your wife agree that you want to work things out.

But you don't.

You talk the talk, but walking the walk....? Nope.

Give up trying to organize a happy marriage and start trying to organize a happy divorce.

Somehow it sounds like you and your wife live in TOTALLY different worlds.
Here I have some personal experience.
An ex-boyfriend of mine, who I have been living with for several years, had the ability to change his own reality to suit his needs.
And after a (long) while I realised that he was not simply lying, he was actually BELIEVING what he had invented.
Lots of his stories did not stand up to even the slightest questioning, and that was where it became really distressing.
There just was no way to work things out.
Even silly little things: We went camping and he decided to just take the small tent. Then after putting it up, he realised it was smaller than he'd thought and of course it was my fault, because I convinced him that we should take the smaller tent.
I also always went out with my friends without him (I always asked him along, even though towards the end of the relationship I was glad when he declined).
And I never contributed to our living (I was paying the complete rent, most of the food and lent him over 2000 pounds over the course of our relationship).

Not sure if it's the same with your wife, but you don't seem to be getting anywhere.

How does she tell you she wants to work things out?
What is she willing to do for it?
If the answer is nothing, I think you are fighting a pointless battle.

first, you need to end all contact with any other woman period. then you turn to god for help. stay patient and understanding. and the lord will either mend the situation or remove you from it.also beware of her bringing home some type of std