wife's drinking

me again
Thanks so much everyone, you have given me lots of stuff to think about. Where am I today ? I don't know. We had a nice afternoon of walking and window shopping, but I felt as if this huge elephant was following us around and we both just refused to see it.



Jpg - not a bad idea, but my mom is a tea tattler like me. And no one else in the family has a problem with addictions, besides me, that I know of. . My wife , however, is ¼ Native and 4 of her siblings marriages have broken up in the last 5 years due to alcohol problems. I'm not saying that's her, but she is defiantly predisposed.



Caribou - So you said that you do drink less than your husband. Does he ever cross the line ? And if so how do you deal with it?



I know that I have said all I have to say to her and I just need to step back and let her think about things, but I just want to scream at her , " Are you willing to try or what ?" Then today I was thinking that I maybe some of you are right, maybe the problem here is just me. Maybe once every 3-4 months is not bad, other people live with it , why can't I . When I met her and we were dating, she drank at home sometimes during the week and went out with the girls if I wasn't around. But I think there were defiantly nights where she drank alone and got wasted. I am so scared that she is just going to give up on us and walk away so that she can drink. I know that the odds are in that favour, but I just can't see us not being together. Maybe that's why I keep backing down. Not that I don't want to be single, but that I can't imagine my life without her. Maybe I should stop trying to put restrictions on her and just tell her to drink when ever and however she wants. I mean it is the one thing we haven't tried since we moved in together. Maybe it's the restrictions that are the problems. Wow, am I ever messed up ! Thanks so much to everyone here for all your comments. They are very helpful.



Andrew

Re: me again
Do you mean let her make up her own mind about what she wants to do? I'd say you've a fine idea, there. It might be interesting to learn who you're married to when your not in control. I'd try that and then reassess things in a month or so and see if you're more happy or less. See if you can be honest about it while you're at it. I know I wouldn't be very happy if my partner frowned at me every time I cracked a beer.

We are not married.
And he never drinks the way that you describe your wife's drinking.

I know I have an intolerance towards what I think of as alcoholism. I could never be with someone that drank more than I thought was okay. When K drinks, yeah, sometimes he can drink more than anyone else at the social event we are at and behave like he's had more than anyone else. I do try to point it out to him when he's sober, because as others said here, watching a drunk when you're sober is no fun, and because I think it's important to be aware that you are getting more drunk than others around you, because you can behave in ways that are inappropiate for the occassion.
At the same time, on occassion, getting as blasted as those around you can be fun.

But for me, knowing my limits and my tolerances towards drunks is the point I'm trying to make.

Sometimes when K has a drink and I do not want a drink, I find myself thinking about my perceptions on drinking and what I can tolerant. So far, K and I are okay in the drinking arena. Sometimes, we do talk about it. I never tell him what to do or not do. We talk. Sometimes, we both drink too much...or not at all.

I guess I'm trying to say is that people need to understand themselves and the ways they see the world, and the ways the world sees them.

Yea, O'bill might be right. Let her be her and you decide what you can and can not live with. Changing and controlling people just doesn't work...

If she's and addict, she will chose the booze. That's what addicts do.
I suggest you explore the term co-dependant. There is a book called co-dependant no more-get it, see if it fits. If not return it to the library.
If so..See Al-Anon....

Drinking may not be a bad thing, but as my mamma would say "No Good comes from it, so why do it".?

i know how you feel
this sounds just like me except that it is my husband and he drinks every day...I mean every day of the year!!!!! the only time he does not drink is when he is very ill but even then he is too sick to go to work and has beer
I am too the point that the sound of a can opening makes me cringe....I am at the same point..i do not doo altimatums but I made it clear that if the behavior does not change I and my son are gone....I didi not do an altimatum or never an empty threat just that i can not take much more and will not live my life based around alcohol..wether I am drinking it or not....I too do not drink I think mainly on principle.... to top it all off his father is an alkie and was given the altimatuim...the bar and booze or your family and he chose booze....I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that what may not be a big deal to others is too you and you sould not live your life unhappy because of what someone else does...you can not control other peoples behavior and if they choose to drink rather than respect their spouses feelings then we should not have to stay around unhappy.....i am at the point where I think...do I want to go through the cycles for another 50 years.....Hope this helps