Venting..

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Ok so now we have a 5 month old and another is 5 years. I am back to work and my husband is complaining of how much work at home is not getting done. Like one watch needs a battery replacement, one light in the corridor needs fixing yada, yada yada. I am of course not paying attention to house work.

Yesterday he asked me when we could go grocery shopping. I said right after the young one's nap was over. He woke up before time and it took me 45 minutes to get both the kids and myself ready. Of course husband was upset!! I mean we are talking about 45 whole minutes. What was the husband doing in the meanwhile.. reading newspaper while I was getting the kids ready.

We had a discussion on all of this last night. Seems like everything is my fault. I take care of the house, the kids and my work and still I am not doing enough LOL.. I am not listening to my husband for christ sake!! He wants to help but I don't have the time to support him in his endevour to help me!! Sounds so pathetic!!

And I wonder if I am still sane. Of course I am sane. I will sail through this one as well. But this forum has helped me deal with these situations. At least I don't get as depressed as I used to before. There is enough push back so that I am not taken advantage off. Husband is also getting trained. But to undo a practise that has been prevailing in my house for 10 years needs time. But your tips are working.

Thank you for listening. Smile

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Ah, it's that old-school male dominated mentality. You have your work cut out for you. My father has always been the same way. My mother worked for years to change him. His new wife struggles with the same problem. In your husband this is probably also due to the family dynamics that he observed from his parents growing up and has been drilled into him as the way it should be.

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I know you are venting, but I have and still go through some of these same things I know how difficult it can be.

Thoughts and suggestions on grocery shopping especially as the 5 month old gets older - do not if at all possible take both with you. They will fight, fight, fight. My girls are angels when they are alone, but will often fight when I take the two together. We will usually divide and conquer. In other words, hubby takes one and I take the other and we divide up the errands - gets done quicker and easier. Or in your case, while the 5 month old was napping, you could have said to hubby, I'll run out know so shopping can be done quicker. You get some private peace and quiet time, hubby can read the newspaper - win, win. Try for win-win situations so you can both be happy.

Maybe ask your husband what he would prefer to do with the housework. That way you are not dictating to him (if he feels that way) and he feels he can have more say. My husband cleans the bathrooms and I clean the kitchen. I usually get the kids ready and he will iron the clothes for the morning. That sort of thing. It may take a while because he is not used to taking on the additional work.

If all else fails, try sarcasm at least it is good for a laugh - my hubby will too say things about something not being replaced or fixed and I tell him how capable he is of doing ABC.

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Glad you're just venting. I have no advice, but I can sympathize. I'm still old school. Husband goes to work; wife takes care of home and kids. When wife goes to work too, something needs to change, but again, no suggestions.

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You can't give him a list and send him grocery shopping by himself? Or you go by yourself (which is what I prefer doing), while he watches the kids?

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Re: Venting..

LoveMyFamily wrote:

He wants to help but I don't have the time to support him in his endevour to help me!! Sounds so pathetic!!

This is an easy trap to fall into, I think. It's one of those ounce of prevention/ pounds of cure things, though. If you put the effort into supporting his desire to help you, it will be more effort short-term, but long-term it will be far less effort for you.

One thing that is important there is to really give up on perfectionism. Like, if he goes to the grocery store but forgets two things from your list, let that go. It's much more important that he's going, that he's making a habit of it, and that he'll go again in the future.

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When you sat down to discuss this, did you ask him what tasks he is willing to take on as his own? Ask him. Tell him, when he complains that things are not getting done, that you can't do it all. You need him to take some of the jobs that are not getting done. Once you have worked out who does what, do not fret anymore. His jobs are his responsibility.

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Sorry, but I'm going to vent now.

I'm reading this thread, and cringeing at what I see.

Men are not genetically designed to be useless, thoughtless lumps. They are trained to be that way, usually by their mothers.

Lovemyfamily, do you have a son/s? If so, I do so hope that you're not bringing him up exactly the same way.
If so, in twenty years from now, some overworked wife will be moaning about him reading a paper while she is flying around getting everything done.

When will parents (women usually, IMO) stop doing this to their offspring?

The world has changed quite a bit over the past generation or so, in that "western" style families now bring up their daughters with the expectation that they will get a good education and do well in a career, as they have done with their sons in the past. In addition to this, the daughters probably have much more chance of being "trained" in how to run a household, on a day to day basis as they grow up.
But it would appear, by the prevalence of this "useless man" problem that arises on frequent occasions, that the sons are still being totally neglected as far as practical training around the home is concerned.

Duties of a domestic variety, it would appear, is still a "female only" domain.

Your husband has never been expected to do any of this stuff, and it sounds like he's never even been shown HOW to do it, when he was growing up.

We (men) ARE quite capable of doing this work without having our handies held and being given lists, you know!

My Mum walked out on us (3 boys, early teens) and we HAD to learn how to get by.

My brothers and I are expert with an iron.

I first made a full roast chicken meal at the age of about twelve (self taught from a cookery book) and have been in charge of the kitchen ever since. I love cooking!

I do the weekly shop, I put it all away, I am the one that hoovers (vacuums) and dusts the house more often than not.....in fact, there's not a job that I don't or can't do.

If my Mum had stayed at home, knowing her and the way she is (very old fashioned and domesticated), I would've probably turned out to be a "precious" man as well, only doing macho things or just sitting there letting it all go on around me, and not even thinking about lifting a finger to help.
I would be like the majority of men (sorry guys), in considering that it was either iffeminate or "beneath" me, to get stuck in and help around the house.

Any Mum's of young boys who are reading this post.....PLEASE don't neglect your son/s by leaving out this very useful part of "life training".

If you do allow them to grow up not knowing how to cook, iron or clean etc., you'll only perpetuate the "incompetent men" syndrome, and cause women of the future to vent on threads such as this, wondering why their husband/partner is such a helpless/thoughtless/lazy blob.

Mr Lovemyfamily wasn't born incapable of doing what he probably considers to be "menial" tasks.....his Mum more than likely trained him to be incompetent, in her own sweet motherly problem perpetuating way.
...and she probably didn't even realise that she was doing it.

Sorry, but that's my view on this.

There....now I'VE vented.

Now...gotta go check on my chicken pasta. Burnt to buggery by now, I'll bet.

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Lovemyfamily--

Repeat after me:

"I will learn to accept imperfection."

"I want to share everything with my husband--including housework."

"The time from nine to ten every night belongs to me whether or not the world around me is tidy."

Keep snarling.

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Lord Ellpus wrote:

Sorry, but I'm going to vent now.

I'm reading this thread, and cringeing at what I see.

Men are not genetically designed to be useless, thoughtless lumps. They are trained to be that way, usually by their mothers.

Lovemyfamily, do you have a son/s? If so, I do so hope that you're not bringing him up exactly the same way.
If so, in twenty years from now, some overworked wife will be moaning about him reading a paper while she is flying around getting everything done.

When will parents (women usually, IMO) stop doing this to their offspring?

The world has changed quite a bit over the past generation or so, in that "western" style families now bring up their daughters with the expectation that they will get a good education and do well in a career, as they have done with their sons in the past. In addition to this, the daughters probably have much more chance of being "trained" in how to run a household, on a day to day basis as they grow up.
But it would appear, by the prevalence of this "useless man" problem that arises on frequent occasions, that the sons are still being totally neglected as far as practical training around the home is concerned.

Duties of a domestic variety, it would appear, is still a "female only" domain.

Your husband has never been expected to do any of this stuff, and it sounds like he's never even been shown HOW to do it, when he was growing up.

We (men) ARE quite capable of doing this work without having our handies held and being given lists, you know!

My Mum walked out on us (3 boys, early teens) and we HAD to learn how to get by.

My brothers and I are expert with an iron.

I first made a full roast chicken meal at the age of about twelve (self taught from a cookery book) and have been in charge of the kitchen ever since. I love cooking!

I do the weekly shop, I put it all away, I am the one that hoovers (vacuums) and dusts the house more often than not.....in fact, there's not a job that I don't or can't do.

If my Mum had stayed at home, knowing her and the way she is (very old fashioned and domesticated), I would've probably turned out to be a "precious" man as well, only doing macho things or just sitting there letting it all go on around me, and not even thinking about lifting a finger to help.
I would be like the majority of men (sorry guys), in considering that it was either iffeminate or "beneath" me, to get stuck in and help around the house.

Any Mum's of young boys who are reading this post.....PLEASE don't neglect your son/s by leaving out this very useful part of "life training".

If you do allow them to grow up not knowing how to cook, iron or clean etc., you'll only perpetuate the "incompetent men" syndrome, and cause women of the future to vent on threads such as this, wondering why their husband/partner is such a helpless/thoughtless/lazy blob.

Mr Lovemyfamily wasn't born incapable of doing what he probably considers to be "menial" tasks.....his Mum more than likely trained him to be incompetent, in her own sweet motherly problem perpetuating way.
...and she probably didn't even realise that she was doing it.

Sorry, but that's my view on this.

There....now I'VE vented.

Now...gotta go check on my chicken pasta. Burnt to buggery by now, I'll bet.

I have no sons, but two daughters. I plan on raising them to be useless lumps around the house - just to get back at years of useless men.

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Linkat wrote:

I have no sons, but two daughters. I plan on raising them to be useless lumps around the house - just to get back at years of useless men.

Great plan!

Lord Ellpus, no wonder you are the most desired man on A2K.

All us wimmins know you will fufill our fondest fantasy, which is getting the dinner dishes done and laundry folded.

Your wife is a very lucky woman.

lovemyfamily, I was wondering the same things as others here while reading your vent....and yes, it's great to vent, we all need it sometimes.

I would never think of doing my husbands laundry, and he knows he better stay away from mine.

When we first married, I thought it'd be romantic to go to the market together. What was I thinking? All we did was get in each others way.

I cook because he knows how to make 3 things, fried eggs, fried eggs and macaroni and cheese. He does the loading of the dishwasher and kitchen cleaning.

You men that are "old school"....what would you do if your wife left or died? It can't be very satisfying being helpless in your own house.

My husbands 60, I'm 48, so it's not like it's some older generation thing.

My father was "old school", when my parents went to a restaurant with a salad bar, she had to make 2 trips. FIRST for his salad, then she'd go back for hers. Isn't that ridiculous? Not even being able to pick out your own food?

lovesmyfamily, I say give him some laundry to fold to keep his mind occupied while he waits.

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I love a man that can cook and clean. Good vent, Lord Ellpus!

(Now if I can get my man to stop aquiring things and get organized, I'd be in heaven!)

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Yep, Mr B and I learned early on that we each have things we hate to do. Mine is unloading the dishwasher (I have no idea why since I don't mind loading it in the least), and his is doing laundry. We each cover the task the other one hates. I cook, he vacuums. I garden, he mows the lawn and shovels a very long driveway. We take turns getting up a few minutes early to get the coffee started in the morning while the other one lounges a bit, but then the lounger makes the bed. We both dust and clean bathrooms, as needed. Sometimes on the same day, most times not.

Lovemyfamily, make a task list and divide it up. The divisions don't have to be cast in concrete. And, by all means, accept his efforts as good enough on the jobs that become 'his' (although I do rearrange the dishes in the dishwasher. without comment, if he doesn't load it 'my way' :wink: ).

Speaking of tasks.... I need to start a load of laundry.

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Linkat wrote:

Maybe ask your husband what he would prefer to do with the housework. That way you are not dictating to him (if he feels that way) and he feels he can have more say. My husband cleans the bathrooms and I clean the kitchen. I usually get the kids ready and he will iron the clothes for the morning. That sort of thing. It may take a while because he is not used to taking on the additional work.

I was going to read and comment on this thread, but as you can see I got stuck at "...he will iron the clothes for the morning..."

Shocked

They still make clothes that need ironing???

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I've said from day one that I was raising my son so my daughter in law would love me.

Hope that works out the way I planned.

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Venting is good. Smile

Why stress about this at all though? You don't need to vent if there is not stress, and if you cut out the root that's it.
Don't stress. Period.

So the corridor has no light. Let it bug him. Why take the stress yourself?
He'll do it eventually if it bothers him, and once his bitching receives no reward (you being stressed by it and taking it seriously as something of your concern).

Let him come to you. You don't need to organize around him all the time, or to consider it your duty to get all this done. It's not, it's an equal venture.

I'm really not wanting to receive wrath here...hehe...cause I don't live with a man right now nor have kids...but i've lived with a prince before.

It's a case of 'minding your own business'. Just tell him, okay, if things are n't to your liking around here, go ahead and write up a list of what you'd like to see done and we can re- negotiate.
Then you have to force yourself to just do your own things and not care about the rest. I know I found that part hard cause I always liked control.

This isn't directed at you specifically, but I've heard so much stressing sessions of married women who aren't willing to give up any of the control. They want to manage everything and have the final ultimate VETO and have bitching rights because of crappy staff (their hubby, kids).

It's annoying when there are capable people sitting right there being rebuffed when they try. Mama always steps in, yknow.

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Sounds like it is time for a family meeting. The agenda:

1. Housecleaning
a. Priorities
b. Assignments
c. Schedule
d. Hired help or volunteers

Hired help is about $100 a month for bi-weekly cleaning (last time I checked). Ask family to decide what they'd like to do, cut back on expenses to afford the hired help (such as cable TV), or save the money for a family vacation and do the work themselves.

If they volunteer to do the housecleaning themselves, agree on a two month trial run. At the end of two months revisit the subject and get another agreement for a six-month trial run and start making vacation plans. If at any time during the trial runs, there are complaints about the housecleaning and no volunteers for the chores then expenses are reduced and hired help is used. Revisit the results and renew their commitment every six months.

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Good post LE! Interesting. Do you think some people (men or women) just have much more of a predisposition to household work? I wonder how major the impact of a "proper" upbringing (teaching men these things) has? I'd have thought that both future men and women would be noticeably worse at all of this given the expectation of education amongst other things.

My mum used to give my brother and I all sorts of daily chores, we used to get them written out in a list, all sorts of stuff really. She used to expect a good standard of work as well, if it looked like I'd been lazy it was done again! I'm sure I remember having some vague idea of responsibility though, feeling obliged to do something even at a very early age. I didn't like doing the work itself of course, but still. She used to tell me I'd be grateful when I was older too, hmm.

These days if I don't buy and cook my own food I die, it's a tough decision but I choose life. I really cringe at the idea of a future me sitting around doing nothing while the wife is cleaning up after me to be fair.

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Lord E, Ashers love you.. Smile

Then tell me one more thing. Do men always try to find someone else to blame them for their miseries? You don't have to answer that.

My husband grew up away from his parents in a residential school. So sometimes I feel he lacks the practical knowledge of running a household. He does not understand the smaller things that builds the household. My father in law is a very able man. He never let his son do anything when he would visit home during his vacations. So there you go... My step mother-in-law believes in Men sharing work in the house but being a step mom couldn't influence my husband much.

linkat great plan!! Love that. I have 2 boys. I am bringing them up well. My older one knows to keep his shoes and toys in place. He knows to fold his clothes. He helps in setting up the dinner table and helps me in loading the laundry.

flushd, I like your way of thinking and that is what I have been doing for past sometime. Things are improving. I just don't do it, if I can't. I tell him, I can't. But things in my house don't get done if I don't take care. I can sit back and see if things will happen if I don't take responsibility. They just don't happen. If I don't move my finger, my son will not have breakfast, will miss school bus, my young one will continuously loose his nap and his feed times. Yes, I like control too. But I am ready to give it up. Because I have figured there is no way I can do it all alone.

butrflynet, I want family to participate in household work. My husband earns so much that he can hire 4 helps and not cut back on any expenses.(we already have help) But I don't want that. Like Ashers, I want my sons to learn to work in the house and take care of themselves when I will not be around. With a hired person, we all get lazy, really. Well again.. as flushd said may be I still have control issues.

Ok here is an example. This morning I am getting my workout done. That is the only time of the day I can get a workout and I am a fitness freak. Baby gets up earlier than planned and is crying. I ignore, thinking dad will chip in. Baby cries for 5 more minutes. I ignore, dad is ignoring too Laughing

Thankfully, I was about to finish. So I went ahead and picked him up.

Venting feels so good.. thank you folks. You guys are great.

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What would have happened if, while the baby cried and you did your workout, you suggested that your husband pick him up?

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Venting..

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