Is my wife cheating?

Re: Is my wife cheating?


On the other hand:

I don't think you're disgusting or sick for checking it, considering the circumstances, and you don't seem to be the jealous type. I also think her behaviour has been somewhat suspicious, and if it was innocent, why not protest a little more, be willing to see the counsellor, explain it all out so you're content?

I think most people trust one another, and don't get all suspicious for no reason. Usually there are gut instincts involved. Yours have kicked in.

I think she was up to something (Plan B) and is now being dishonest with you. I personally would be hiring someone to follow her or would follow her myself. Really, if I really wanted to KNOW, I'd do something to find out, one way or the other.

I'm sad for you that this is happening, whatever the result.

I agree with Mame. If you want to know for sure hire someone to follow her.

Sounds to me like she is cheating...hanging up on you and shutting her phone off are not good signs.

Well, I still think it's nasty and that he has no business doing it.

If you don't trust her and she won't be honest with you then leave her. If you're checking her underwear (beyond creepy IMO) do you think if she wasn't cheating she'd every trust YOU again?

sometimes when I'm alone and I know the cubs and squinney will be out for awhile I get some of her underwear out of the hamper and put it on my head. Bella does that mean I'm a sick man?

I really appreciate everybody's input. I agree about the underwear thing...it is disgusting and invasive. But in my defense, I was so damn desperate to know if anything happened in Vegas that this was the ONLY thing I could really check.

I am ashamed of it. I am not a sick pervert and it was a nasty act.

Following up on the "plan b" stuff. Last night we talked more about this. She FINALLY admitted that she DID in fact look it up. She said that she was looking because her and her girlfriend were talking about it and she was curious. She said that if we were to ever get pregnant again or have a "slip", that she would consider terminating the pregnancy. Neither one of us want any more children. The three that we have are handful enough. She said that she didn't tell me because I am too judgmental. (for the record, I am not for abortion in any way shape or form). That is why she didn't want to tell me that she would actually consider it.

Strangely enough, I believe her. I really do. When I think about all of my thoughts recently in a LOGICAL manner, there really is no way that she could have been messing around. There was never any time. I was only gone for 11 days and it's not like we were doing poorly when I left.

In addition, my wife is not a tramp. I cannot see her screwing somebody just to screw. When we first met the reason I fell in love with her was because it took her almost 2 months before she would sleep with me. I really don't think that she could just do some random guy.

And I don't think she has any time to actually meet and become emotionally involved with somebody else. I am always around. Any thoughts from the audience?

Maybe I am just a little messed up in the head. I know that I, in the last few months, have really developed some serious insecurity with myself (that's why I am going to counseling).

If she really hasn't done anything, how the HELL do I fix what I have done to our marriage in the last few months? Thankfully she has not left. I don't think it's too late to fix it.... is it?

That all makes sense to me.

Except for why she hasn't been on birth control pills for the last two years -- if she doesn't want more kids, why not be on the pill?



I have no idea if it's too late or not. But going to counseling -- BOTH of you -- would be a good starting place. She said before that she wanted you to get your act together first, or something -- I think you can emphasize to her that you want to go to joint counseling so you can figure out how to heal the rift in your marriage. (Did you mention before that you have 3 kids? All the more reason to put some work into trying to solve these problems.)

She has not been on birth control because she didn't like the way it made her feel. She just started this "new" kind of pill that is actually prescribed in 4 months increments.... can't think of the name. It is supposed to make her actually not have a cycle while on this pill. I'm no doctor, but okay.

She has been trying to have me get a vasectomy.....which I guess I will do in the coming months if we can recover from this. I feel like such a fool for thinking the worse.

Still uncomfortable about some of the changes in behavior, but back to my last statement.... I don't think she could do it. She is not a tramp and she says that sex is an emotional thing for her. Without any time to develop an "emotional" connection with somebody else....what am I freaking out about???

OK, the pill thing makes sense.

I dunno, just as I didn't want to jump up and say "she's cheating!" I don't want to assure you she's not -- 'cause I don't know. It's just impossible to tell from this vantage point.

Again, the bottom line for me is that whether she's cheating or not, obviously there are issues. Counseling is a way to a) figure out what those issues are, exactly, and b) get to work on solving 'em.

That's hot.

Do you know the girlfriend well enough to ask her if she mentioned plan B to your wife, and see if she tells you the same story?

So basically, this whole thing is a non-issue now, right?

Mostly listener up to now, I think a lot of talk needs to happen. Which could be good. Could vary - that is in part what many counsellers do, help the talking get to important points, help it track.

Hardly....

This will be a work in progress. I will share more as things develop.

I will probably be dealing with my suspicions for a while, but I am trying to look at this whole thing with how I know my wife. My wife has never been the "sleep around" type. I really believe that sex is an emotional thing for her. That being said I just don't see how she could deviate from her own morales.

If she did in fact cheat, then there must be some emotions involved. But I don't see how she could of had the time to develop that kind of relationship.

OR...

If she did cheat, then maybe she has completely thrown her morales and ethics away and became a slut.

I don't think so though.

I'll let everybody know as theings develop.

I'm not entirely pro counselling, I think some are biased at the least, have agendas. But a good one is worth weight in gold, I'd guess.

I wouldn't, stuh. Both of them need to figure out a way to get some trust in their relationship. Trust, by definition, is acceptance without proof. If he needs to verify her story from an outside source then he still doesn't trust her.

Good point....

I learned that lesson a LONG time ago. The girls stick together and GOD help you if you try to put them against each other.

The thought never even entered my mind to ask her friend. That is a death sentence.

First you think she cheated, now you don't. All you have is your suspicions, which you're basically saying is the cause of all this because your wife couldn't possibly have cheated (not enough time) and it isn't like her, so... this is not what I'd call a work in progress. I'd call it a non-issue. The only issues are your suspicions and/or your insecurity. Hardly a matter for advice from us. This is what your counsellor is for.

Huh. We're just talking here, Mame. The whole thing is not only not a non-issue, it has become an acute point in their whole marriage. People are allowed to freak once in a while. Sometimes that is right, re the circumstances, and sometimes it isn't, but even when it isn't, it bears talking about - at least it seems so this time.

Depressed (ah, you might want to change your username some day, and if you do, look to HELP at the bottom of the page) seems fairly analytic, even toward himself.

It's a valid point that none of us here are certified counselors (at least, I don't think anyone is). At the same time, talking issues through with people having assorted viewpoints can help give people things to think about. I think it's particularly helpful when someone is already in counseling and can bounce ideas off of a larger population between sessions.

You have a point.

Have at 'er.

On the non-issue.