Is my wife cheating?

You've been married for 10 years, yet you treat your wife like
a prison guard his inmate. Checking her underwear and making
her defend herself is probably the most humiliating thing I have
ever heard.

No advice form here, you're lucky she didn't leave you a long
time ago.

D&C, your jealousy is making you crazy--that's what jealousy does to people. You'd better get into a therapy situation because whether your wife is or isn't cheating on you, you are screwing yourself up. You are probably hurting yourself more than her "cheating" (if she is cheating) can hurt you. And if she is innocent you are going to drive her away. Are you certain that that is not want you want?

There are so many people who come here wondering how to keep their cheating spouse - I don't understand you people - if your spouse is cheating, why would you want them? That has got to be the biggest turn off to me, ever.

With respect to you, if you suspect her of something, have it out. Who cares if there's shouting and tears? Get it out in the open. Ask her if she wants to leave. Ask her if she's cheating. Whatever - don't sneak around looking at her emails and underwear... ask her point-blank - ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME - DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE ME?

I don't know your particulars and don't really want to know more - just analyze why you're behaving the way you are and figure out if this is the way you want to live.

Don't bury your head in the sand.

Jesus man, give her some space. You're not going to win back her affection by constantly spying on her and confronting her on every suspicious thing she does.

It's just going to make her want to sneak away from you even more. Do you think this girl would still have married you if you treated her this way while you were dating? And if she doesn't feel like marrying you all over again, what's keeping her from just leaving now?

So yeah, I agree with Jane & JLN, but I will actually offer you some advice too.

1) Pull yourself together.

2) Lose the attitude of "she's my wife, she's not allowed to cheat." Face it, she is cheating, and getting angry at her will only further distance you from her. Since you love her, and you're willing to take her back, realize that she left you because you weren't giving her what she needed. When you got married you were. So try to win her back like you were dating her. That means, treat her with respect, give her space, try to be romantic, but don't smother her.

3) And when she inevitably acts suspiciously again, don't bother yourself with trying to find out the gritty details, because it doesn't really matter. You have to let it slide, and just focus on strengthening your own relationship so that she will WANT to be only with you, because you can't force her to be only with you if she is not feeling it.

I often wonder what people think love means.

You're asking the impossible -- there is no way we can tell you whether your wife is cheating, depressedand confused.

What is abundantly clear is that YOU have a problem with how things are going in the relationship. So, whether you're justified or not, that needs to be addressed and hopefully resolved. I agree with JLN that some sort of therapy/ counseling situation is probably the best idea there.



I know what you mean, Osso.

None of the above means she is cheating.

Maybe she doesn't want her cell phone looked at because she's being treated like a child - a child with no respect from a parent.

Maybe she doesn't care for the fact that you are badgering her about what she searches on the net - as if she's a child with no respect from a parent.

Maybe she really didn't feel like unpacking at the moment - she's not a child and doesn't have to do it on your schedule. And, if she had sex stained undies, why wouldn't she act like unpacking was no big deal and get them into the wash without drawing attention?

And, it sure as heck isn't much of a vacation or break when you are calling her all the time - as if she is a child with no trust from a parent. Just because you call doesn't mean she has to answer.

Sorry, I may be projecting here, but your behavior is way out of line. Grow up. If you get the feeling she may be cheating, ask her. If she says no, move on. Don't ignore obvious signs in the future, but for gawds sake, you aren't teenagers playing games. Respect, trust and expecting the best from your partner will result in you recieving the same.

I agree with the "grow up" part - can't you just ask her what the hell is going on?

Believe me, I'd have my husband on the plank until I found out. No cheating in my house! If you're double-dipping, you're out. Period. And I just don't get these people out there that want to go to counselling and 'work it out' and 'see what they did wrong'.

The non-cheater didn't do anything. That's not to say they're not part of the problem, but they didn't do anything to make the other guy CHEAT.

Cheating, like lying, stealing, like other behaviours, is a CHOICE. If a spouse cheats, it's their problem/responsibility/blame, not the other party's.

So, if your partner DID cheat, it's ALL on her because she had other options which she chose NOT to take. The cheating's all on her, get it?

And again, why would you want a cheating, lying partner? Ugh.

I'll reserve judgement and reread this tomorrow.

Okay... I appreciate all of the responses. Perhaps I didn't share enough of the situation.

I agree that over the last couple of months I have been rather suspicious. The last few years of our marriage has been terrific...up until a few months ago. She went back to school last fall and in the last few months has changed so much about herself. All of the behavior changes that seem to always have an excuse or reason behind them. My suspicions arose out of the lame excuses.

I have never been the "jealous" husband. I have always (until recently) trusted my wife. I never used to go to bed at night wondering. When we were in the process of moving across country we were apart for 11 days. During those 11 days there were a few nights that she could not be reached until after 1-2 AM. Her classes got out at 8 PM. She said she would be studying at the library or whatever. The night before I came back home to meet with the movers she was out until 2 AM. She again said she was at school.

That night that I got home... my curiosity got the best of me. That is when I looked at the internet history and saw a "Ask.com search" for "Plan B". Plan B is an emergency contraceptive for those that have had unprotected SEX within 72 hours. I was gone for 11 days! Why in the hell would she be looking for that?

Of course I asked her about it right then. It was a big fight but as I wrote in my original post... I told her I believed her.

The next couple weeks were okay. I still had my suspicions obviously, but I left them to myself. Everytime I try to talk to her about any of this... not necessarily the cheating thing) but about if she is happy. About what she feels like she needs from me that she is not getting.

I HAVE been going to see a counselor ALONE for the last 3 weeks, because I am driving myself crazy. Am I imagining all of these things or is it possible that this is it for us. Like may of you have written... my policy on cheating is the same.... IF SHE/HE CHEATS, THAT IS IT! GAME OVER. I absolutely refuse to live in a trustless marriage. She is supposed to be my best friend.

I have tried repeatedly to openly talk with her about this. Everytime I bring it up she tries to turn it around on me. She says things like this is all in my head. Maybe it is... I hope it is. I am trying to get some emotional support from my counselor on how to deal with this.

Thank you to the Mame that said that "if a spouse cheats, it is their problem/responsibility/blame" My counselor has said the same thing. I am trying to deal with it like that, but I just can't sit here and wait to find out if she really is. I need to now for my own sanity.

I am not proud of the "underwear thing". I realize exactly how disgusting and invasive that is, but I am desperate. I can't seem to get here to talk with me about any of this, so I have unfortunately resorted to looking for myself.

I completely agree that there isn't an excuse for cheating -- that wasn't what I said, though. (Not sure if it was my post that was being referred to or not.)

I'm saying that you don't KNOW whether she cheated or not, but what you do know is that there are currently major issues in the relationship. Counseling can help you sort out those issues. Lots of ways that could go:

- In counseling, your wife admits she did cheat (she's already denied it so far, I don't know why she'd suddenly say yes she did if asked one more time), and that's dealt with, either by deciding to end the marriage or deciding it's salvageable and proceeding to put the work into salvaging it.

- In counseling, your wife maintains that she didn't cheat, and that's dealt with by helping you decide whether you can accept that or not, and where to go from here.

- In counseling, your wife presents good evidence that not only is she not cheating but you are being paranoid and unreasonable and that the paranoia is itself the main problem right now, and that's dealt with...

You get the idea.

Obviously, there are major unresolved issues right now. Counseling (both of you, though that's good that you are going yourself) can help resolve those issues, is all. "Resolve" doesn't mean "live happily ever after..." "Resolve" just means "deal with the current problems and move forward in the healthiest way possible."

Re: Is my wife cheating?


You are a sick man.

You wife shouldn't have to explain her discharge to you.
Please.

if you absolutely know she's cheating then kick her to the curb and get on with it. Easy.

That's my whole dilemma. I don't know for sure. Everything I have ever read or heard suggests that she is, but I can't get her to talk with me about it.

"Suggests" isn't enough when the stakes are this high.

What does she say about going to counseling together?

She has said that she may go but that I need to go to deal with my issues first.

I acknowledge that I am not perfect. I pray that all of my paranoia is just that and that I can fix myself through counseling. She has just seemed so distant the last few months.

I think that if I would never have seen the "plan B" web search that I wouldn't be so scared right now.

I mean why, after 2 years of not being on birth control, was it so important to get back on before she went to Vegas? She says that she just doesn't want another baby. Neither do I, but dang, why now? With all of the other things she has been doing that is so out of the norm for her?

Well said!

i hurt for you bro...i really think shes cheating on you but, like everyone else, i can't know for sure.the only way you will get any relief is ASK HER IF SHES CHEATING ON YOU!! tell her everything you told us, why you're suspicious.


good luck