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Tue 16 Jan, 2007 10:51 am
My wife and I dated for over three years before we got married and were happy. I truly don't believe that she had ever cheated on me. Three months after we were married she left me. Then begged to come back and then when she did, left me again two months after that. Then had sex with a total stranger less than a week after sleeping with me.
Before she left the first time, she said that she was unhappy with me because based on what she said I think she expected our marriage to better than our dating. She was upset that I didn't touch, caress or compliment her as much as she said she wanted. I am aware that I am not an overly "touchy-feely" man (especially in public), but I never have been, and we were happy before and she was so exited to get married to me. She was also upset that I went out with my best friend (who was best man at our wedding, and she has always maintained that she liked) once a week, as I have for almost ten years. She confronted me about her feelings and told me that she was unhappy, and I told her that I was as well but over other issues. I had never been married before and haven't had a roommate or lived with anyone since I was in the Army years ago, and sometimes got 'cabin fever' as I sometimes like to read or spend a small amount of time alone and could no longer do this as we work the same day hours.
One saturday I went out with my best friend to see a band in another city two hours away and at about 10:00 PM she calls my cellphone and tells me that she's moving out. By the time I return home, she and all her things are moved out of our house.
Over the next few days we talk and she tells me that she was upset and that if I had come home faster and stopped her she wouldn't have left. She also said that she thought that she was the cause of me being unhappy, and that she loved me so much that she wanted to be happy, so she left. After talking more, she begged me to take her back, and I told her that it would be hard for me, because it hurt my feelings to be abandoned in the middle of the night. But I agreed to take her back, because I still loved (and love) her. I also asked her to promise to not do that again. She promised.
A couple of months later, she expressed how she was still unhappy and how I needed to show her more affection and attention. This, I admit, was harder for me because I was still hurt by her running off on me. I told her this. She said that I had to just forgive her. I told her that I didn't know if I could forget it, and I admitted that I sometimes wondered if she would be at home when I got there from work at times. She asked me if I would ever forgive her and love her the same was as I did when we got married and I said that I didn't know if it would ever be the same until I could find a way to understand what was really going on with her. That very night, she said that she couldn't be in the same house with me if that was the case, and immediately left again. The next day she brought help and moved all of her things out again.
We were still talking about our marriage and what was wrong and so on. Then on a saturday night two weeks later I went out and inadvertently found her at our local bar&grill all dressed up by herself (no girlfriends) sitting next to some guy I didn't know. I went up to her and asked how she was, and she smiled and asked me if she could buy me a drink. The guy next to her didn't behave like I thought a guy on a 'date' would have under the circumstances. And of course, neither did she, based on her response. I told her "No thanks" and left and went home. Later that night she called me and asked if she could come over because she was drunk and wanted to make love. I agreed to it. The next morning before she left she said how much she enjoyed it, and wanted to do that again.
The next couple of days, she called and kept asking me to lunch and I declined, and also emailed me asking if we could just "date" like before. I responded that because we were still married that might seem odd to be "dating". She responded back something like "OK so we can just be married like before then?" I said that couldn't happen because we hadn't worked out our issues. She kept calling, and on a wednesday, three days after we made love, we got in a heated argument on the phone and she suggested that our marriage was "all or nothing" and she wanted to get back together again, and that was that. I said some hurtful things to her in response, such as "If thats how you feel, then go file for divorce then; I dent want you moving back in right now" and "you weren't acting like someone that wanted to be married last saturday out all dolled up letting other men hit on you and buy you drinks" and so on.
That same week, friday, two days after our telephone argument, and six days after we last made love, I learn from a concerned mutual friend who called me that she is out slowdancing and hugged up with some other guy at a dance club. I check into it and find this to be true, and not only that, they are kissing and rubbing on eachother. Then she drives him to his house and goes inside and stays the night.
I call her cellphone that morning at about 8:00 AM and she doesn't answer. About 9:30 she finally leaves his house. She gets to where she is staying a little later. I go in person and ask her what was going on. She tells me that she was out with her friends and invents a long and complicated story about how she spent all night driving her friends around and stayed at her friends house to take care of her because she was sick. Knowing this was all lies, I became even more hurt and left.
Two days later we begin talking again. She says that she did want to get back together with me and I told her that was impossible without honesty. It took more time but over the next few days and several different versions of the story, more truth emerged. She admitted that she met some guy and danced with him, and did the "freak dance" at the club (where man rubs his groin on the behind of the woman) and let him rub her thighs. She was wearing a skirt and no underwear at the time. Then they went to eat and then kissed him for a few minutes in the parking lot and let him rub her legs again. Then drove him to his house and went in and got undressed and rubbed his back, kissed and then had sex with him. Then the next morning my phone call woke her up, and after waking she got on top of this guy again and had sex with him again.
She tells me that she was hurt and was looking for someone to make her feel good. She also said that she has never done anything like that before, but she just wasn't herself that night and next morning.
I still love her more than I have ever loved anyone before, in spite of all this, but I am so horribly hurt and confused. I have read probably hundreds of forums and marriage counseling websites and cannot seem get any satisfactory answers to this dilema. She and I even went to counseling a couple of days ago and I didn't feel any better about this.
Is there any realistic hope for us? Any advice? Any opinions? Anything like this happen to anyone else?
Thanks!
You've gone to counseling once, then?
It takes a lot more than one session to resolve anything.
You seem to want a nice neat answer to a situation that is anything but. There is one -- leave, and don't look back. That doesn't seem satisfactory to you.
Meanwhile, what's up with this?
Quote:I check into it and find this to be true, and not only that, they are kissing and rubbing on eachother. Then she drives him to his house and goes inside and stays the night.
I call her cellphone that morning at about 8:00 AM and she doesn't answer. About 9:30 she finally leaves his house. She gets to where she is staying a little later. I go in person and ask her what was going on.
Were you there watching from "I check into it..." to "I go in person..."? How do you know these details?
How old is this woman? Not that it matters, because quite frankly, I don't think she is interested in marriage. Now I'm not claiming to be a marriage expert, but after almost 25 years of marriage I can say this. My wife and I had our share of disagreements/arguments, but not once did she just up and move out and then hop into bed with someone else. When you love someone, you just don't do that. I think she has a warped sense of what love is (maybe equating it with sex?)
Both of you need to realize that marriage is a different animal than dating. It not only requires love, but also patience and understanding and the realization that you are no longer two individuals, but rather one couple. It concerns me that you have this need to get out of the house (and away from her) once a month. Are you saying you would rather get out and do something with your friend rather than with your wife? While there is nothing inherently wrong with that, think about how she sees that. When you need to get out of the house, why not take her with you? Go on a date again with her. But going to an out of town concert with a friend while leaving her at home alone is not exactly the way to do things early in a marriage.
Anyway, I don't want to sound too preachy (though it is probably too late for that) but I think it would take a lot of work and a drastic change in the way the two of you view marriage in order to turn this one around. But miracles happen all the time and I wish you the best of luck.
(Marriage counseling from a clown....who'd a thunk it?)
sozobe is right; leave and don't look back. no matter how much you love her, or how much she loves you, she will never change. it isn't worth the heartbreak.
Texwill--
Welcome to A2K.
Speaking frankly, I'm not sure why you and your wife ever got married in the first place. Each of you seems to have a singular definition of marriage--although both of you seem to hanker for power and control over the spouse.
If you don't want to save this "marriage", then it can't be saved--and shouldn't be saved. At this point each of you has demonstrated a screaming disregard for the feelings of the other party. Between you, you have created some very unpleasant memories which will make it very difficult--perhaps impossible--to rebuild a lifetime relationship on a stable basis.
What sort of divorce do you want? A bitter, nasty, cut-throat dissolution where the lawyers on both sides make a lot of money from your misery?
A "civilized" permanent separation with dignity and as much good will as possible?
Will respond tomorrow. My take is not the same as others so far. 'thinking on it.
Sozobe, I tried to PM you a more detailed answer, but the forum will not let me bc I am a newbie I suppose.
But in short answer, I am a cop, and many of my friends are in the same profession. Perhaps with that info you can guess how uncomplicated verifying what I did was.
And thanks for the other responses.
My emotions are in bitter battle with my common sense, so any outside input, male and esp from females is thankfully appreciated.
I suppose you have not been living together before you got married?
In that case marriage really changed your whole life around.
I do not agree with CoastalRat.
There is nothing wrong with going out without your partner, you have not suddenly become joint at the hip.
You should maintain your friendships, just as much as she should hers.
However, giving advice is difficult, knowing only your side of the story.
From your viewpoint, though it sounds as if your wife is extremely immature, and not able to make a commitment.
Expecting a wedding to make a great partnership out of an OK one, is plainly unrealistic.
Getting up, leaving a the first sign of a problem, would certainly make you wonder about your future. That's not how partnerships work.
There will always be good and better times (and bad ones in between), but as a couple, you have to talk, understand, and compromise.
After she told you what her problems were the first time, did anything change? Did you try and meet her half way? Did she try and meet you half way?
Many questions, but I have a feeling that the answers won't matter much any more.
At least not for this relationship!
texwill wrote:Sozobe, I tried to PM you a more detailed answer, but the forum will not let me bc I am a newbie I suppose.
But in short answer, I am a cop, and many of my friends are in the same profession. Perhaps with that info you can guess how uncomplicated verifying what I did was.
And thanks for the other responses.
My emotions are in bitter battle with my common sense, so any outside input, male and esp from females is thankfully appreciated.
OK, thanks for your response.
I still find that rather creepy, sorry.
You were separated, and you were keeping tabs on her to that extent?
I don't think it bodes well for the marriage. Not that I think what SHE did necessarily bodes well, either. (I tend to see possibilities for the other side of the story whenever one of these are posted, it's just tended to be men lately.) There has to be a basic level of trust and respect that currently seems to be pretty much entirely lacking, on all counts.
I think if you want a conclusive answer the thing to do is continue with counseling. It'll take more than one session before you get anywhere in particular. It can help you decide whether there is anything to save and if so how to save it, or it can help you bring the relationship to a conclusion if that is what's indicated.
Good luck.
soz, I would like to take a moment to talk to you. You can't keep this stuff up, soz. You can't save them all.
The stress must be unbearable and I think, for the sake of your health, you should just allow a few of these relationships to fall through the cracks.
Take a break. Smell some flowers. Appreciate a cup of tea.
Do it for me, soz.
(Now I suppose this guy is going to make arrangements to have me arrested)
Hey, at least I told pipermatt to get outta there!
I must have missed that one.
I wasn't actually keeping tabs on her at all.
That friday night a friend who personally witnessed her rubbing on this other man called me on the cellphone. I was nowhere near this club or knew anything about it when I got the call.
But after the call, I did what I would guess anyone in my position (male or female) might do, I got suspicious and wanted to find out what was really going on.
I dunno. I see that you had the means and the desire but I'm still not sure you should have done it. (Is it even legal?)
At any rate, my advice about counseling stands.
In the USA anyone may observe anyone else in a public place where there is no constitutionally protected expectation of privacy.
Yes, observing the actions of someone on the dance floor of a public bar and then observing a vehicle driving on or parked on a public road is perfectly legal. And its odd to me that you would suggest otherwise.
Did you meet this woman on a shift? Like, walking the streets or something?
Not meaning to be disrespectful. I almost don't believe your post. It is a like a bad episode of a Cop Show.
This chick has some screws loose and so do you if you think it is ok to trace your supposed-loved-one-enough-to-get-married-and-commit-to-a-life-together.
Please don't have kids.
It was a question, I don't know. It sounds like you were using your contacts at the police department to "follow up" on the dance floor incident -- with the overnight details given, that seems like some sort of stakeout, and seems like it might be unauthorized/ illegal use of police resources.
I don't know though.
And advice stands.
Texwill--
You may have had good reason not to trust your wife.
You didn't expect to find her innocent--and you did not treat her as potentially innocent.
Now that you know your lack of trust is justified, what happens next?
Noddy24 wrote:Texwill--
You may have had good reason not to trust your wife.
I don't think she ever cheated on me before, but now that it's confimed by her own words I do have to wonder.
Noddy24 wrote:
You didn't expect to find her innocent--and you did not treat her as potentially innocent.
What's the difference, exactly? If you see people wearing ski masks and carrying large black bags running into a bank, what do your expectations have to do with what they do, or don't do?
Noddy24 wrote:
Now that you know your lack of trust is justified, what happens next?
Good question.
Thats part of why I registered and posted on this forum; to see if there was anyone with experience in this area that might be helpful with that question.
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