I'm at wits end with my son...

Marty - Our 16 year old cub (boy) is SOOOOO like that! My Gawd, if not for my own gray hair I'd think you had taken my son.

He's not diagnosed ADD, and certainly no vision problems (he reads the name of the advertising company off the bottom of the billboard before I can see the billboard.)

But, as a sophmore he's STILL having trouble getting his homework turned in. The thing is, he does his homework. He shows me that it is done. I watch him put it in his bookbag. He forgets to turn it in.

He gets side tracked on the way to clean his bathroom and ends up watching tv, in the kitchen fixing a snack, or even stops to put in a load of laundry. It's like the message is only in his brain for 10 seconds, then POOF!

Grounding hasn't worked for us. He's very ammicable, good hearted like your son, and not being defiant or bullheaded. He just gets sidetracked. Tell him he's grounded, can't be on the computer, can't do this or that, and he just goes with it. Doesn't bother him.

He was also reading and doing math and science before kindergarten with a constant need to learn more. Maybe that's part of the problem, but like we have told him, you can't be "brilliant" and "bored with school" if you're grades don't reflect that you "get it."

I have to go for now, but will check back later. If others have a "cure" I'd sure like to know what it is.

One of the newspaper advice columnists printed this link this morning:

www.ADDitudeMag.com


Of course they would like you to subscribe to their magazine, but there seems to be some information on line as well as some verbal support for parents of ADD "challenges".

Great site. I checked it out and read up on mentors. I'm all about keeping in contact with his teachers through e-mail. Maybe an upcoming teacher conference may be helpful.

As far as team sports, do you think it would be helpful to push the topic again? He loves playing soccer but hated standing out in the cold and getting yelled at by his more serious teammates. Baseball was the same, when he was 7 he slid into first. You know, at that age getting dirty was most of the fun. One of his team mates got on him about never sliding into first. That was it for him. So now I'm thinking individual sports such as archery or swimming or even a marksmanship sport. I mentioned it to him and he groaned.

What do I do??

Marty--

One problem at a time. Focus on making undone homework uncomfortable and save your worries about sports for later in the year.

Don't contribute to your son's scatter-shot attention span.

"Focus" is the family mantra.

I agree that his education is the most important but I also worry about his social skills.

Marty--

He's a delightful kid with about six things wrong with him.

Work on the problems one at a time, lest he get the impression that he's not all that delightful.

In Britain at the moment everyone says it's diet. No e-numbers, plenty of fruit and veg, and omega 3 oils. There's truth in it, but it's only one way forward.

Perhaps letting him do his own thing for a fortnight, not one moment's hassle - could make him wake up to his own responsibilities? I did that for a few days and my son said 'All my friends' mums nag them. Don't you care?' - which at least initiated the Responsibility Conversation. But he didn't start working properly till he chose his courses at college.

Good luck! He'll probably be fine in a few years and you'll edit out the bad times...

my first post
Noddy you are a brilliant writer and I've liked every post that I've read. I've been lurking for a few days but wanted to respond to this post.

Ok you have already found his area of excellence, so important for a kid who is a little "outside the box". His area of excellence is art. Speak with his art teacher about where he excels w/in the discipline. Get ready to spend some money and time promoting this skill. Offer him some private lessons in his area of interest; clay, oils, tiling-whatever it is. Offer this in exchange for a daily completed check list including every grade above a C. He can figure out how to make that happen.

If he manages to improve while also enjoying his art lessons, which are outside school, it's time to look for a magnet school. Discuss w/him the possibility of attending a school for the arts. Explain that his transcript will influence his ability to attend a private or magnet school. If not a magnet school, how about a private school with large amounts of financial aid?

You can try to break him but you'll get farther (or is it further?) with him if you can motivate him and make him see the connection between his own desires and the world of academics!

I dunno. Maybe he hasn't developed a love for any discipline yet but I'll bet he has. It will also benefit him socially to be among like minded, creative teens.

Plantress--

Thanks for the kind words--and welcome to A2K.

thanks! Everyone seems smart and liberal, I'm in heaven! What do you think of my advice mom?

I talked to my son last night about his art. he just brought home some projects and he is indeed very talented. I asked him what he would think about my talking to his art teacher and seeing about extending the class for the remainder of the year. Right now its just a semester elective. He asnwered in his typical way. "I like to do my own art, I don't like drawing the way the teacher tells me that I have to"
He always seems to have a negative spin on everything. Ughhh.

Marty--

His father walked out on the family. You are worried about polishing his rough corners and the art teacher has opinions.

Of these three adults, he's chosen to ditch the art teacher.

I know he's young and dumb, but he's trying to own his own life and make his own choices.

Hold your dominion.

Marty-my daughter is somewhat similar to your son in that she is;
strong willed, oppositional, very difficult to teach, resistant to any advice, training etc., socially behind.

I still think that while they SAY that they don't want instruction in their area of excellence, they are just being lazy because they would be taking a risk over something that they actually care about.

Noddy is very wise

Marty--

At one point I had four official teenage boys and an aspiring twelve year old under one roof muttering and declaiming and announcing and ranting, "It's my life."

You survive the Developing Male Ego, but the experience does bring grey hair.

Your son is starting to feel his cheerios and he's so busy trying to figure out who he is that he doesn't realize (or care) that he's pulling on your nerve endings and twanging your heart strings.

He ignores you because he's trying to cut the umbilical cord. I don't know why the tool for this choice is a dull, rusty razor blade, but that's what satisfies the male ego.

Remember, everything you've said and done for him in the last twelve years is now incorporated into his fuzzy little head--and he can't ignore that interior voice.

Hold your dominion.

Hold your dominion.

I agree, Littlek is on the right track with setting up a calendar. ADD and/or kids with organizational difficulties do well with calendars and lists, and other external organizers. My son (11 yrs old), not ADD, but with other issues that cause organizational difficulties had similar problems. I worked with his teachers to set up a binder with folders for each subject. At first his teacher ( along with my son) made sure every assignment was written on the calendar in his book and materials got into the right folder. At home I would check to make sure it got finished and back into the correct folder, again with my son. Back at school if he forgot to turn in the homework, his teacher could have him check the binder for the work. After this was well established the adults started backing off and giving him more responsibility for remembering. He still needs check ins but is pretty responsible now with the system.

I am also a special Ed teacher and have tried this system with some of my students. It has worked well for some and not for others. Since the students usually do want to be organized they haven't been the problem when it hasn't worked. It's usually either teachers or parents who don't buy into it or take the time to help the child establish this routine.

Perhaps if your ex had something to follow through with that was established by you and the school he might be more helpful? It's a tough situation you are in if your son is getting mixed messages. I wish you well.

I took the advice given here and made up a list for him to post in his room to check in the morning. It's a start. I'm still keeping tabs on his schoolwork by checking the parent link on the school website but as expected his grades are dropping again.

I worry about his well-being constantly. I worry about his social skills, his self image, and his schoolwork.

Then in the midst of all this worry, he calls my cell phone while I'm driving to work just to tell me that he forgot to tell me he loved me that morning.

I am blessed and I know that someday he will be successful in whatever path his life takes him.

Marty,

I also have an artistic, creative, non-academically inclined daughter who has struggled to keep up with her school work forever. I've noticed that this time of year (late winter and early spring) are most difficult. The short days seem to drag her down and, even though the days are lengthening, it's all she can do to get out of bed in the morning.

She and Mr B are both affected by seasonal depression and we try to make a point of traveling somewhere sunny and warm each March. The strength of the sun is beginning to increase by April and we see a gradual increase in her ability to focus and participate in her studies as the school year progresses.

There are many factors that are contributing to the issues your son is having, but I'm not surprised to see you say that his grades are slipping at this time of year given where you live.

[quote="martybarker"]
Then in the midst of all this worry, he calls my cell phone while I'm driving to work just to tell me that he forgot to tell me he loved me that morning.
[/quote]

ooooooooh...
snivvel, that's sooooo sweet!

I agree that we all could use some sun, so I'm looking at Las Vegas specials for a 3 day lounging by the pool trip.

Good choice, it certainly can't hurt.......

I just booked my Las Vegas vacation this morning