I'm at wits end with my son...

I dunno much about this. But, I'll give my 2 cents, since you asked (careful what you wish for!). Have you tried writing up a schedule? A sort of a check list thingie is what I'm thinking of. One place, near the calendar, a list of things to check off daily. Brushed my teeth, check!, Did my homework..... no check. Did I do it? Let me look. Nope! Got to do my homework!

Maybe then you can stop nagging about details and tell him to check his schedule.

Great idea. Just received an email from his teacher saying that two geography assignments that he failed to turn in earlier were sent home last friday along with an atlas from school. This was his weekend at dad's and wouldn't ya know it, he still hadn't turned it in on tues. So I had him unplug his x-box and set it under my bed until further notice. He is also grounded from the computer. It's not just the homework, it's everything. It's just who he is and I love him and want him to succeed in life. He has the hugest heart but just doesn't get it!

You know, the kids who have the most trouble seem to have the biggest hearts, sometimes. It makes it that much more difficult that he has two homes. Are you and your ex speaking? Can you try to come up with a joint plan of action - one that you can both follow?

Does my emailing him and him replying as basically as he can count as talking?? I am the custodial parent and he is the disneyland dad. One of the things he said when he left was that he wants things to be happy and good all the time. So I get to deal with all the hard stuff while he is off finding himself and playing with his kids every other weekend.

The school web-site has a parent link with access to grades and assignments. His dad has the password and I remind him to check it when he has the kids. His problem solution was to take 1 hour of his x-box away. Well, he has been grounded from x-box before for this same reason and I think 1 hour is too soft.

He also goes to math tutoring twice a week and they suggested that I take him to a vision therapist. We went today and it looks like a part of his problem with school work is his inability to visually track between small print(papers and books on his desk) and larger print(chalkboard).
So now he is bummed because we have to go and get him glasses.

littlek has the right answer with the calendar and I can tell you it works from experience. My nephew works for me, he's 23 and has ADD, it has gotten better as he has aged, but he was a real bouncing ball when he was a young teen. I found the tighter the schedule the better he did. He started working for us when he was 14 and I would make an hour by hour assignment sheet for him so he would always know what we needed him to do and when he should be doing it. As he got older we found we didn't have to keep him on such a tight leash. I think things like computers and video games have robbed kids of their ability to judge time and create a disciplined routine for themselves.

As for glasses - maybe he could wear contacts, I had them at his age.

Marty--

I had a stepson with ADD and all kinds of neuroses. You have my sympathy.

Routine and scheduling are essential. Also, letting your son reap the consequences of his disorganization is essential. He's not going to change until he is personally inconvenienced.

Ideally Partyboy Papa would cooperate with you, but if not you can accomplish wonders on your own. You may be on tranks, but you can accomplish wonders.

Hold your dominion.

Hanging in there but getting very frustrated from time to time.

Marty--

You're earning your grey hairs.

Marty I have a 15 year old son. Exactly the same. No ADD or ony health problems. His brain just doesnt work sometimes. especially with schoolwork. I have recently banned the internet completly. It doesnt make any difference. what does seem to be making a difference is a new girlfreind! He wants to impress her so remembers to shower, brush hair and teeth without being told. Your son is a little young for this but I suggest it is not just your son. Its hormones or something.

This might help..
My Sister inlaw made a poster \ chart for her son like 1 get up take close off take bath brush teeth ..ya know the basics . It has really helped him out.Also she has totally changed his diet no sugar sodas food colorings ...they have it on line called ADD diet . I has truly made a big difference!!!http://incrediblehorizons.com/add-diet.htm also company called Brain matters has a scan for the brain it helps show the chemical and brain pattern of a brain with add\added Bipolar( my step son is bipolar) brain injury . You can find then on the web.
I do hop I helped some.
All my best Serin

Serina--

Welcome to A2K.

I'll check out those web sites. What is so frustrating is that he's 12 1/2 and I thought this would all get better with time and all the expenses with medication and tutoring, and now vision therapy with new glasses.

ADD plus Divorce plus Dad-the-Pal. This is a handful. Now add hormones.

It isn't over until the Fat Lady sings and the Fat Lady has just started charm school with an eye to eventually auditioning for a Real Opera.

Much as you ache to have your husband be a real, supportive role model and male image and much as you ache to have your son a delightful, orderly human being, what you want doesn't count. You can't change their behavior, you can only change your own.

Right now you are Tormented and Tortured Spectator--with tranquilizers. All of the effort you're putting into nagging your Ex and nagging your son is giving you misery and not improving the behavior of past and present menfolk one bit.

For 2007 think about becoming a bit more detached, a bit more willing to let your son fumble his own way towards adulthood. I assume that you've talked to his teachers. What do they suggest?

I may be very wrong, but from my experience with my stepson I know that at 12 1/2 he was perfectly capable of choosing irresponsibility, confident that someone (probably his father) would pick up the pieces.
Your son isn't stupid--he's just choosing to put his effort into the fun parts of growing up.

See any parallels here?

Was he an easy kid to toilet train? Did you ever have visions of being the only mother at high school graduation with a kid in diapers? This was unnecessary. When diapers became inconvenient, your son decided to take advantage of indoor plumbing.

He won't change his behavior as long as you are protecting him from the consequences of his behavior.

What one issue are you going to tackle in January? Grooming? His room? His homework? Pick just one issue.

Oh my gosh, that was so good. Made me chuckle!

I try to give him the extra space to make his own choices but he constantly chooses fun and games over the serious stuff. I've even tried team sports but he won't have anything to do with that either. I just don't want him to fail.

Of course you don't want him to fail--but you can't make his choices for him. What you can do is reinforce the consequences of his choices.

Am I right that report cards will be coming home mid-January? What sort of grades are you expecting?

Report cards came out right before break. 2 d's,2 C's, an A in Art. The D's are from missing assignments.
This will have to be his New Year's resolution--no more slacking off homework.

No.

You can't make his New Year's Resolutions.

You can insist that he not leave the house or watch television or play video games until after school until he has shown you completed homework assignments.

If he cared about doing his homework, he'd do his homework. As an ADHD he has trouble managing his time. You can set--and enforce rules and bestow rewards. Your job is to create a setup where doing the homework is less unpleasant than skipping the homework.

Aha!, Marty. An A in art. That may explain some things. Creative people have a difficult time in the school system, attention deficit disorder or no.

This is not a solution, just an observation, but it may be of some value in helping you to understand your son a little better.

My son is incredibly creative and intellegent, he just doesn't apply himself.

New Year's resolution....can I just hint to him to make one??