Worst musicals ever

Reply Mon 16 Jun, 2003 02:38 pm
I confess to having a secret longing to write the musical version of the play, "EQUUS" (no relation); in which a troubled teen pokes the eyes out of half-a-dozen horses because he felt guilty about being aroused by a woman while they looked on.

It will of course be called.....(drumroll, please)......

"He'll be Blinding Six White Horses When He Comes"
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Reply Mon 16 Jun, 2003 02:42 pm
Hang your head in shame.
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Reply Mon 16 Jun, 2003 02:50 pm

Equus, did you happen to see my last post in the Neverending Word Association Game?
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Reply Mon 16 Jun, 2003 03:31 pm
Having read that play more than a few times, I am officially ROFLMAO!
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Reply Mon 16 Jun, 2003 04:08 pm
Apocalypse Now, the Musical, Redux

The Napalm in the Morning Rag

"Napalm burning up behind me
tearing up the entire country,
what's that smell, not burning wood,
it's human flesh, burning good,
I love the smell of napalm in the mooorning!"
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Reply Mon 16 Jun, 2003 04:46 pm
I love the idea of Excel for Dummies - the Musical!

I see a chorus line of gals dressed in add, subtract, multiply and divide signs. Some songs:
* Can't Help Lovin' that Macro of Mine
* Dancing on Pivot Tables
* Formula, my Formula

Another musical:
Margaret Thatcher's Private Moments
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Mr Stillwater
Reply Mon 16 Jun, 2003 06:19 pm
Just injecting some reality (of sorts) to this topic.

For reasons that baffle me we have recently been treated to a work based on "The Chamberlain Story". Remember, the baby taken by a dingo?/killed by Mum? - Azaria, the opera. Weird.

Next, there's been a revival of 'Cabaret'. Fine. They had cast Tina Arena (pop-singer) in the main role. She got sick, so she was replace by Lisa McCune (popular TV actress). Only trouble is that well... Lisa sorta lacks it in the turn-on department. Critics have described her Sally Bowles as 'eerily unerotic'. Check out image below, its a bit like your aunt coming on too strong.....

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Reply Mon 16 Jun, 2003 06:48 pm
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cicerone imposter
Reply Mon 16 Jun, 2003 07:11 pm
I sort of feel sorry for that kid. ;* c.i.
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Reply Mon 16 Jun, 2003 07:33 pm
The Walt Disney film: The Vanishing Prairie
Silent Movie
Finnegan's Wake
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Mr Stillwater
Reply Mon 16 Jun, 2003 08:23 pm
I don't think the works of Stephen King have yet been used in this manner. Hmmm....

"Those chapters you've been writing
The bad language that's been said
I can't help you break the habit
So I'll break your legs instead"
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Reply Mon 16 Jun, 2003 09:24 pm
Shock and Awe: the New Hip-Hop Musical starring Sadaam as "Shock" and Dubya as "Awe."

(Theatre-goers: "Awe" is played tonight by his understudy D. Cheney, who also provided the jive orchestrations.)

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Reply Mon 16 Jun, 2003 09:59 pm
Moby Dick would be one strange musical, but I would not be surprised to one day hear of it.
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Reply Tue 17 Jun, 2003 01:09 am
How about Deep Throat the Musical?
Mr. Hollands Anus,err.....Opus .....'scuse
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Reply Tue 17 Jun, 2003 06:46 am
Deep Throat: The Musical

Linda's Theme (to be sung to a 'Another One for the Road' rythym)

"Buddy this ain't now snow job
I give a really great blow job,
So why not come up to my pad...
You know that I ain't joking,
You know I won't be choking,
I'll be the best you ever had...."

(My sincerest apologies to Frankie and Billie Very Happy)
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Reply Tue 17 Jun, 2003 07:02 am
Titanic was a musical a couple of years ago. A friend saw it and liked it, but he is easily impressed.

Two of the best bad musicals never made were the Simpson parody musicals, A Streetcar Named Desire, and Planet of the Apes.....

I personally have always thought Dreiser's Sister Carrie would be a great subject, but it would be frightfully easy to butcher as well.
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Reply Tue 17 Jun, 2003 07:04 am
I still say that some actual musicals are worse than our most vivid imaginations.

Here are the lyrics to the theme song from Carrie - The Musical (note to Mr. Stillwater: from the Stephen King novel). Note the use of the word flop - how prophetic of the lyricist. The last few lines are really really bad.

That's not my name!

Doesn't anybody ever get it right?
Why don't they remember that I'm Carrie White?
Is it any harder to say than
Goddamn toad and crazy and weirdo and dumb bitch and
Doesn't anybody think that I can hear?
I hear!
'Specially when I got it screamin in my ear!
I hear!
When did everybody decide I'm the one who's the flop?
If I had one wish, God I wish they'd stop...
I wish they'd stop
How I wish they'd stop...

I will not cry... I'm ok.
I've tried so hard to play they're way.
Why do they find it so hard to say
Why do they always treat me so bad?
They all know my name.
Its Carrie.
I don't know why they all get so mad
Its always the same...
What's going on, deep in me?
There's someone new where I used to be...
One of these days they're gonna see...
Sometimes their hatred is out of control
God! How they hurt me!
Mama says sufferin is good for the soul
But they hurt me, they hurt me!
And if I could I'd bring them all
Down to their knees
I'd make them sorry forever for teasing
Carrie Carrie Carrie!
I wish I were blessed with someone...
Who's not like the rest.
I'd close my eyes and suddenly he'd be there
Handsome and wise
And probably a prince who could dance on air
And he'd ask em out every night.
I'd say... "All right!"
After a while, he'd ask me to wear his ring
Mama would smile,
And give us her blessing for everything
And the world would see this is love
And then everyone would be jealous of
Then all those people who scream night and day
"Poor prayin' Carrie!"
They'd see me with him, and the might even say
"Hey look its Carrie!"
"Its Carrie..."
"Its Carrie!"
Then finally, I'd hear those words
Sounding so sweet!
Thousands of voices forever repeating
I am the sound of distant thunder!
The color of flame!
I'm Carrie!
I am the song of endless wonder that no one will claim!
But someday...
Oh my someday!
Someone will know my name!!!
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Reply Tue 17 Jun, 2003 07:05 am
Wasn't there recently an opera made of Streetcar Named Desire? Any opera buffs here?
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Reply Tue 17 Jun, 2003 07:10 am
Grey is right about those Simpsons parodies, they were hilarious....mac, Carrie sounds like one too, what were they thinking? I wasn't aware of a 'Streetcar' opera....I think my favorite quote from The Simpson's Planet of the Apes was "from Chimpan-A to Chimpan-Z"....brilliant stuff...
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Reply Tue 17 Jun, 2003 07:20 am
This is posted in Performing Arts and not Film, so I hate to inform that "Titanic" was staged as a musical and not a bad one at that (however, not the same plot line as the film).

"The Fountainhead"
"To Kill a Mockingbird: The Musical"
"Lawrence of Arabia: THe Musical"

And you guys and gals shouldn't be giving anyone any ideas. (Be careful what you wish for, even in jest). Laughing

A link to the musical version of "Titanic:"

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