I married a woman, while in my 20's who brought a 2 year old child to the marriage. I didn't mind at all. Today, he has 4 children of his own.
Also, 6 years ago my current wife and I took on a 2 and 6 year old that could not be cared for. We have had no regrets.
I voted "Sure, why the hell not" (I'm 35).
I would like to have children of my own as well, though. A woman who already had a child from a previous relationship and didn't want any more - that I'd find hard to swallow.
But then the same would be true for a woman who had no kids and knew she wanted none in the future either - I mean, would be cool for dating perhaps, but that'd be a thing keeping me from getting in too deep.
I suppose the answer would depend on whether the man (or the woman) wanted children, how they felt about kids, and other things.
When I met my husband his dtr was 5, lived with her mom. I was honestly surprised he had a child. He didn't seem like the type. Since she was rarely around when I was, I honestly never gave her much thought, because frankly, I don't think about children much. They are just sort of "there".
If he had her around all the time, honestly, I don't think it would have lasted long.
We went our separate ways for awhile, met again, and married when the dtr was 13. We liked each other all right, talked and laughed, but I was never quite sure what to do with her.
Now she's 25 and we get along great. Our relationship blossemed when she was past 20.
I shared with her once about my, well, lack of skills and she said she knew I was not sure of what to do, but could tell I was making an attempt. Plus, she said she really appreciated that I never did anything actually negative. She could tell the "kid thing" just wasn't in me.
Would it be a turn off...?
Yes...I chose not to have children so I could enjoy the selfishness of having what I want, when I want it.
It would be so unfair for any child to have me as a mother. So why would I want to be around them?
Actually Marty, you should ask the other way around: Is my potential date someone I would bring into my child/childrens life?
Plus, if it were me, I would be the first one to say that I am a mother (and proud of it), so any man not seeking baggage, would not attempt to
date me. Frankly, anyone over the age of 30 has some sort of baggage
and having children is sometimes the least of it.
I'd take a caring, loving father any day over a selfish little ba....aehm,
single.
Chai, I hope you don't refer to her as the D.T.R. when she's around
Marty, I think the question becomes unimportant by late 30's or so. There are nice men out there who won't see it as a problem, may even see it as a bonus. Just weed through and find one of those.
Marty, would you date a guy with kids who is divorced?
From the perspective of a woman who's dated men with kids - it's not so much 'depends on the person' - it's 'depends on the kids, and how involved everybody still is with the ex'.
If the kids are young and/or the ex is still a big part of everyone's lives - I'm in the "thanks but no thanks" category.
Been there, done that, have the scars, don't want more.
um....well, that's what she is.
I didn't want to use her name.
Quote:Whether you know it or not, and whether you believe it or not, men are very wary of a woman with a child. It means you bring to a relationship an aircraft-carrier full of baggage of one sort or another and often accompanied by a deep sense of injustice. Very few men will seek to saddle themselves with that-rightly or wrongly.
You need to see yourself and the world as it is not as you wish it to be.
Really, I know what I want in life and in a potential partner. When I read the above comment in another thread it really hit a nerve with me. So the question I'm struggling with is this....Are my expectations realistic when it comes to men....
Whoever wrote that speaks for themselves, not all men. I don't even know if it was written by a man or a woman.
Whatever your expectations are....don't lower or change them based on what someone may have experienced in the past. Every person is different and every relationship is different.
When all is said and done, life is what you make it.
You say you know what you want in life and a potential partner, but you also say this. . .
martybarker wrote:See Patiodog, you're a good one, you're just taken. I know what you mean about small doses. I'd like to start dating again but have no intentions on bringing anyone home to meet the kids. They'll be in college in about 5 years anyway.
I just find it hard to believe that the mere fact of having children is a turn-off.
Think about the "partner" that you aren't going to bring home to meet the kids. For my self, kids living at home are not a plus. Again, and speaking only for myself, I would probably be interested in a somewhat greater involvement, even though I were not particularly fond of children in general.
I definitely would like to share my life with someone in my future. In the long run I want to spend time with a person that shares a lot of my outlooks on life. That doesn't mean that I have to bring someone home to meet the kids. My main focus is on them and teaching them the life skills they need to get out in the world. I see nothing wrong with dating now, but am not truely sure if I'm ready to involve my kids in my romances. I think I need to really know someone before I introduce them to my kids. Maybe I'll re-evaluate that thought when the time comes...I don't know.
As far as not lowering my standards and settling, I know I don't want that either. I just have to figure out if my standards are truely realistic as far as finding someone who will match me.
Marty--
You're right to draw a line between Dating and Romance. You date friends to have a good time. When the friend becomes a Romantic Interest you're moving beyond an evening of fun into a possible future together.
At this point, "meet the family" becomes a necessity.
You've said yourself that you aren't ready for Serious Romance.
Which would you rather: A guy who is fun to be with but adament about not getting involved in a serious relationship in which children would be involved or a guy who is fun to be with, steals your heart, and then announces that he doesn't want another man's children?
I agree with Noddy, and I think that it's now impossible for someone to date you without also dating your children, in a sense. You've got to be up front about it, not try to hide them away from him until the time is right.
Noddy24 wrote:Marty--
You're right to draw a line between Dating and Romance. You date friends to have a good time. When the friend becomes a Romantic Interest you're moving beyond an evening of fun into a possible future together.
At this point, "meet the family" becomes a necessity.
You've said yourself that you aren't ready for Serious Romance.
Which would you rather: A guy who is fun to be with but adament about not getting involved in a serious relationship in which children would be involved or a guy who is fun to be with, steals your heart, and then announces that he doesn't want another man's children?
What I want in the long run is someone who is fun to be with, steals my heart, and accepts me as a woman and a mother of two wonderful people.
Now, this is the question I've been asking myself over and over...Am I just living in dream land or will this opportunity reveal itself to me?
I just can't believe the amount of growth and change I've gone through in the past 3 years. I went from being totally confident in myself and my marriage to total uncertainty about my future basically overnight.
