Back in the dating market

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I think I'm a complete ding dong. I don't know why I do some of the things I do....I went to a nightclub with a friend of mine and a guy bought me a couple of drinks. I didn't find him in the least bit as being my type but someone nice to talk to. He asked me for my phone number and I guess I was caught off guard slightly and felt bad that I accepted a few cocktails from him. So I gave it to him but don't intend to follow through.
I really don't know what I'm doing, it's been almost 20 years since I've been single. Now I feel badly, like I strung him along. Do men feel that if you accept them buying you a drink that it means you're interested in them in a dating sense?

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Hey, MB. I'm glad you went out and had fun. I don't think men in bars are looking to find a lasting relationship, if that's what you mean by 'dating sense', although there are no absolutes. He might call, he might not. If he calls you can agree to see him again, or not. Giving him your phone number doesn't obligate you to see him again. If he isn't your type, say no when/if he calls. He might want to get to know you better or he might be looking for a roll in the sack, there's really no way to tell early on. It's up to you if you want to take a chance with him -just keep your eyes open.

Bar pickups make me nervous, but that's just me. My college roommate did it all the time. She really fell for one guy until the day his wife showed up on our doorstep. I think that's why they make me nervous.

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Marty--

Are you interesting in dating or in husband hunting?

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I'm definitely not husband hunting. I just don't like being dishonest. I think I'm having a hangup about being my age and single again and having very little dating experience. I don't want to be a player and I definitely don't want to be played.

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Re: Back in the dating market

martybarker wrote:

Do men feel that if you accept them buying you a drink that it means you're interested in them in a dating sense?

If I called and you say no Im thinking user but really depends on the number of drinks i bought. Next time just say your welcome to sit and chat but i can buy my own drinks. Here we would say it is unsafe to accept a drink from someone you just met (druged?) His asking for your number may have been an exit strategy.

Marty you do have to take a chance on seeing a guy more than once to get a feel for him. Nice guys often struggle at the intro stage.

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Thanks for the responses. When it comes to parenting and my career I'm very confident with my decisions, so why do I feel 18 all of a sudden with little common sense when it comes to getting out there again?

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Quote:

...why do I feel 18 all of a sudden with little common sense when it comes to getting out there again?

Because the rules have changed.

Now, you aren't looking for a husband--or a mad, passionate love affair. You'd like someone to go place and have fun with? Correct?

Did you get any vibes that the guy with your phone number (who may or may not call) is a dangerous creep?

By the way, if he doesn't call, he doesn't call. This does not reflect on your worth as a woman or a person.

You're never going to feel comfortable dating in the new millennium without some practice. As long as a guy doesn't terrify you or disgust you, he's someone for you to practice on and enjoy yourself with.

One excellent way to discover who you are is to date different men and see what they reveal about you--and about wider worlds of which you know very little.

Dating as exploration--not testing.

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well..
Ok i'm a guy i know how this goes on. well first of all yes they would think you were interested in them, because most girls if they are interested in a guy they would let him buy her a drink in all, but what im saying is that if the girl isent interested in the guy she shouldent let the guy buy her a drink.so just try to get to know him alittle at a time and maybe youll get more interested in him just give it a shot.

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This is why I never buy women drinks as a pickup. It's cheesy, and it's a weak attempt to buy their time. It doesn't take much time to figure out whether or not a girl is interested in talking.

There is one instance when I buy drinks for women strangers though: when I place date rape drugs in them LOL OMG STFU LOL

But I wouldn't think because a girl accepted a drink, it means she's interested. I know a lot of women have no problem just getting free drinks.

Just screen your calls. If he leaves a message, don't call him back. Simple as that.

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I like what dadpad had to say. If you find the man interesting, you can let him know he is welcome to sit and chat but you will buy your own drinks.
If you are not interested at all, a polite 'thank you, but i've got a drink' does fine.

I don't let men buy me drinks. It's easier that way.

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Re: Back in the dating market

martybarker wrote:

Do men feel that if you accept them buying you a drink that it means you're interested in them in a dating sense?

I have never bought a woman a drink in a bar, but I don't think so. Maybe it signals that you're interested in exploring whether you'd be interested in him in a dating sense. But if the exploration reveals that you're not, that's fine.

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Re: Back in the dating market

martybarker wrote:

Do men feel that if you accept them buying you a drink that it means you're interested in them in a dating sense?

It's been awhile but in my day, if a guy bought you a drink, that indicated that he was interested in you and if you accepted...then you were open for the next move, which is usually the phone number.

The fact that you continued to accept his drinks and gave him your number to boot, well, hell yeah he thinks you're interested.

I don't think things have changed so much. Men don't usually buy drinks for women they aren't interested in pursuing.

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Quote:

Now, you aren't looking for a husband--or a mad, passionate love affair. You'd like someone to go place and have fun with? Correct?

I don't think that I'm in a position to find a husband. My divorce has been final for a year last month and I'm not ready to bring a man home to meet my kids. As far as the mad, passionate love affair----hell yeah, couldn't I just have that with someone to go places with and have fun with??

Also, I don't view myself as selfish and opportunistic. So I'm not looking for free drinks. I guess I just didn't really know what I was doing. But I'm taking some advice here, from now on I can still be nice to a man in a bar and still buy my own drinks. Otherwise, I will keep it to one drink if I'm not interested in anything other than pleasant conversation. I just don't want to give anyone the wrong idea.

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I used to go to bars with girlfriends, for a bit, years ago. It was a primary waste of time, mostly. I'm still friends with the girlfriends.

I did meet two fellows out of it - one I had a sort of we're not right for each other but like and are interested in each other 'affair' with, the affair part being dropped after we talked about it, and we ended up pals for several years, he being my attorney when I needed one on a family matter; another, a real romance, but we weren't in the bar to meet anyone - it was near empty on a Saturday afternoon at the beach and we just wanted a beer after walking what seemed like a mile, one of my friends doing that walk with a cast still on her leg... and we met some guys from the hospital, who also just wanted a beer.

I'd almost have to say it's the least likely place to meet someone you'll end up caring about.

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First of all, speaking as a man, I would love it if some woman came and offered to buy me a drink. By the way, this has never happened.

I have also been off the market for several years, but I did on occasion offer to buy drinks for a woman I was talking with. If she accepted a drink, I wouldn't think much of it, there is certainly no obligation. However, I think that either offering or accepting a second drink means there is some interest.

I would recommend politely declining to give out your phone number to anyone you are not interested in seeing again. Rejection is part of the game and most of us are used to it.

The worst thing is to be rejected on the phone (or worse yet to have your messages unreturned) after you invest the time and energy to call someone you find interesting.

I have always felt that the direct approach is best.

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I agree Osso, as far as going out to a bar with a friend, its a way of rounding out my only free weekend a month. We run together almost every weekend but I either have my kids or am on standby for work. So we either have dinner with other girlfriends or put some make-up on and go out.

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Agree with ebrown....

On the makeup, that is so funny... I remember us always waiting for Mary Lou...
My friends travelled together to europe for six months just after I'd become pals with them, and we'd gone to Mexico and Guatemala together.. so going to a bar on Friday night was just another weekend.
We all found other things to be interested in/other people in our lives.
I guess I won't completely knock it, I liked the camaraderie.

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Sounds like you have great friends. My friend that I just met at the beginning of this year would make a great travel partner but she's in debt.
As far as putting on make-up...I wear surgical scrubs at work and come home with "hat hair" and go running on weekend mornings. So it's nice to put on some feminine clothes and get out to enjoy other people. Smile

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Understand.

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Re: Back in the dating market

martybarker wrote:

I think I'm a complete ding dong. I don't know why I do some of the things I do....I went to a nightclub with a friend of mine and a guy bought me a couple of drinks. I didn't find him in the least bit as being my type but someone nice to talk to. He asked me for my phone number and I guess I was caught off guard slightly and felt bad that I accepted a few cocktails from him. So I gave it to him but don't intend to follow through.
I really don't know what I'm doing, it's been almost 20 years since I've been single. Now I feel badly, like I strung him along. Do men feel that if you accept them buying you a drink that it means you're interested in them in a dating sense?

Rule number one, don't give your phone number, get their phone number.

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