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Wed 4 Oct, 2006 08:16 pm
Okay, so I have a niece who I see every couple months or so when I visit my family in Rochester. She's seven...maybe eight. Anyway, the last couple times I've been there, she has been deliberately bratty to me. She doesn't come up and say hi when I arrive, she never says goodbye, and she constantly gives me dirty looks and calls me dumb and ugly and other cute knicknames like that.
I was annoyed by it, because I know my niece's mother can't stand me (the feeling is mutual) and I'm thinking that her attitude towards me is being picked up on by her daughter, and I don't want her to get into a pattern of being a disrespectful little brat to me.
Anyway, I told my mother about it. But I told her NOT TO SAY ANYTHING, at least until the next time I visit, because I wanted to think more about how to deal with it, and also I was hoping that maybe she'd be more respectful next time I see her. Plus, I didn't want to hurt my niece's feelings. Plus, I didn't want to have a confrontation with my sister-in-law over this, if it could possibly be avoided.
Of course, my mother immediately goes and tells my brother all about it. But, she told my brother NOT TO SAY ANYTHING to my sister-in-law.
Of course, my brother immediately goes and tells my sister-in-law all about it.
Now, my mother assures me that my brother has talked to my niece, and the matter is all settled, but I know that this is going to have repur-f*cking-cussions, and I feel like my niece is going to feel betrayed or hurt by me now.
So now that I've already done the WRONG thing, does anyone have any ideas about what the hell I SHOULD have done?
Is it possible that she has been acting bratty towards you just to get some attention?? Is she the only child during the visits?
Ha! My brother has four kids! My mom says she thinks it is because my niece really loves me so much that she doesn't want me to leave, so she acts that way to protect herself from being hurt.
To me, that reasoning sounds like my mother unconsciously trying to guilt me into moving back to Rochester.
This is what 7 year old girls are all about. She thinks you're cool, cute, different..... maybe? The whole cruel to be kind thing starts THAT young.
So, ignore it, or laugh. But, DON'T get annoyed. If it gets to bne too much, firmly tell her you don't like it.
It's hard to advise given the info you've provided.
I'm sure you're right that she has gotten her attitude from your sister-in-law.
I don't have any immediate bright ideas..
Yeah. You should have asked your niece why she said that. Not with any emotion, but like--
(Kicky kneels or squats down to eye level with niece.) It hurt my feelings when you didn't say hello to me, and now you called me ugly. Have I done something to make you mad at me? Because I love you and I don't want you to be mad at me.
I kicked my favourite uncle in the butt (not just once. a lot) when I was about 3 or 4, and we visited Germany. We both pretended he didn't know what I was doing.
Little kids can be weird in the way they demonstrate their affection.
Lash wrote:Yeah. You should have asked your niece why she said that. Not with any emotion, but like--
(Kicky kneels or squats down to eye level with niece.) It hurt my feelings when you didn't say hello to me, and now you called me ugly. Have I done something to make you mad at me? Because I love you and I don't want you to be mad at me.
Lash, that may be the right thing to have done. But these kids...they do not listen to anyone. Even their own parents tell them don't do this, or please stop doing that, and they just carry on as if they can't hear them. If they don't listen to their own parents, then how can I expect them to listen to me? I have tried to be serious with these kids, and I'm telling you, they just run away or ignore me completely.
I'm not good with kids, I will admit that. I'm good at being funny and goofy and fun to play with, but I don't know how to stop them once they're wound up, and being serious with them is also not my strong suit. And they get wound up pretty easy. But their parents let them go nuts most of the time, so I don't feel like it's all my fault.
I'm with Lash on this one (Hi Lash, nice to see you back). Seven is old enough to reason with and such bratty behavior should not be tolerated. Go for the direct, honest confrontation as Lash suggests. Many kids go through this stage, but if it's ignored it tends to get worse. It's part power play, part manipulation, part attention seeking. She's pushing your buttons to see what kind of attention it gets her. I have no problem with her parents knowing (although your mother should have kept the information to herself, as requested) and they should be on your side - it's not cute behavior. I'm sure you are not the only one experiencing this attitude from her, she probably does it to her little friends and anyone else who lets her get away with it. And yes, I think part of this comes from the vibes she gets from her mother towards you.
I dunnoooo.... working with 7 year olds now. Being firm is better than being nice, sometimes. I'd try nice first and firm second. And that's an immediate second, like within 2 or 3 episodes of obnoxiousness.
Or, you could just stand up and walk out after being nice. Refuse to talk to her until she can be nice to you.
ehBeth wrote:I kicked my favourite uncle in the butt (not just once. a lot) when I was about 3 or 4, and we visited Germany. We both pretended he didn't know what I was doing.
Little kids can be weird in the way they demonstrate their affection.
Well, at least she doesn't do much of the hitting and kicking. That is taken care of by my five-year old nephew. I need to wear a cup when he's around. But he will come up and hug me and say hello and goodbye, and at least shows some respect in between the surprise punches and kicks to balls. With my niece, for at least the last two times I've been around her, I can't remember a moment where she's shown anything but contempt for me.
That's what it is. I feel like she has no respect for me at all. And if she's like this now, I can't even imagine what she'll be like when she's a damn teenager.
Green Witch and Littlek:
Yes, you guys are probably right. Crap. I wish I was better at this.
kickycan wrote:[
Lash, that may be the right thing to have done. But these kids...they do not listen to anyone. Even their own parents tell them don't do this, or please stop doing that, and they just carry on as if they can't hear them. If they don't listen to their own parents, then how can I expect them to listen to me? I have tried to be serious with these kids, and I'm telling you, they just run away or ignore me completely.
I'm not good with kids, I will admit that. I'm good at being funny and goofy and fun to play with, but I don't know how to stop them once they're wound up, and being serious with them is also not my strong suit. And they get wound up pretty easy. But their parents let them go nuts most of the time, so I don't feel like it's all my fault.
Children are often better at listening to grown-ups that are not their parents. Establish that you will not be messed with and they will get it. I admit I have disciplined other peoples children and I get a sadistic kick out of it. I once saw a little boy, about 6 years old,eating some thing out of a bulk food bin in our local grocery store while his mother chatted on her cell phone ignoring him. He kept putting his dirty little snotty hand back in the bin and eating the mix of nuts and stuff. I snuck up behind him and whispered in his ear in my best witchy cackle: I'm from the police and I see you are stealing food, so I'm going to have to take you down to dungeon until you pay for that. He literally turned white, dropped the bin lid and ran and hide behind his mother. She continued to chat, ignoring him, but I'm sure he never did that obnoxious behavior again.
Maybe you chould sign them up for that show Nanny 911.
How does one learn anything? By experience and the passing on of knowledge. You can get info from us, but mostly, you just need to be with kids more if you want to get better at it.
I remember when my son was 3 and we were at a high end department store shopping for a dress. He threw himself down on the floor and had a loud tantrum. My initial thought was to pick him up and scurry out of the store but instead I walked around the dress rack so that I could see him but he couldn't see me. He got up immediately and stopped fussing seeing how his tantrum didn't work. That was the one and only time he did that. So maybe like Little K said, try being nice,if she continues being bratty just ignore her. I bet she'd eventually come around,especially if she sees you playing around with the other kids.
Greenwitch! I do similar things, but not so scary. I catch kids doing stuff and wait til they see me watching them. I stare, maybe raise an eyebrow. They know what they're doing is wrong and they stop. I could give a rat's ass if their people get upset (they usually don't notice). Sometimes I will say something, but usually, it's just the cold stare.
Well then I guess I'm not going to get better at it then.
Dammit, now I'm going to have to dread my next vacation even more than usual.
littlek wrote:Greenwitch! I do similar things, but not so scary. I catch kids doing stuff and wait til they see me watching them. I stare, maybe raise an eyebrow. They know what they're doing is wrong and they stop. I could give a rat's ass if their people get upset (they usually don't notice). Sometimes I will say something, but usually, it's just the cold stare.
I like to think I become the monster in the closet for them until they turn 16.
your next vaca is when? Xmas? You don't have to bunch up your 'learning experiences'. Anyway, the kids will grow too, so they will become less obnoxious one way and more obnoxious a different way (I use the term obnoxious with affection).
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