Chai Tea wrote:
The piece of paper, to me, is partly legal protection, as far as assests or having someone step in and take over the part of wife or husband, and all the benefits that come with the marriage.
It's an external sign of an internal commitment.
BTW Hep....I don't know if you have children or a complicated financial situation, but you can do a "do it yourself divorce", at least in Florida, if there're no kids, and both of you agree as to the splitting of the marital assest.
That's what I did.
Picked up the form you can find in any office supply store, filled it out, showed the ex what I did.
He and I were both in agreement so we both signed off on it.
Can't remember exactly what then...I'm pretty sure I took it down to the courthouse, then you get a date for both of you to come back in front of the judge.
He just looked at what I filled out, asked if we were in agreement, signed off on it himself, then the clerk took the papers and us down to some office where we got copies, and that was that.
It doesn't even have to be that you have nothing. We bought a house in Texas, and were in the middle of building one in Fla....
I never wanted to see Fla again and wanted the Tx house, he wanted the Fla one....so that's the way we wrote it.
What a sucker he was over that!
Thanks for sharing this Chai. Actually, there are no kids involved as we weren't together long enough to have even thought about conceiving a child (besides the fact that I cannot have children as well...
) and the financial aspect is done with as well. He got away with about a third of my vesting money, another third was spent on household items, which were so generously given back to me when I decided to move seeing how I
paid for them. LOL And the majority of the last third went to the state of CT for taxes which pissed me off and is ultimately what made me decide to move back to FL. The straw that broke the camel's back.
So that's it as far as "things" are concerned. He made out squeaky clean on the deal. Paid half the rent once in four months, and an electric bill. I paid everything else for the entire time we were together. I'm still paying off a few of those bills actually. I think I'm down to one now. FINALLY. I suppose I could sue him for the money, but ya know... emotionally speaking I don't think it's worth it. I'd rather just have the whole thing over and done with than drag it out three years for a couple thousand dollars. Ya know? I bet he saw me coming a mile away!
Hey, why not? Don't punish yourself. Love never comes at the opportune times anyway, does it? The relationship with your husband is over, you don't seem to choked up about it...the only thing he should be to you is an item on a to-do list, like switching a bank account or something.
You know, I won't say I haven't thought about it. I'm certainly not trying to punish myself by not moving on in that aspect. I am more afraid of hurting someone else because I'm on the rebound. I don't want to hurt anyone else unintentionally just because I got hurt. It's not their fault. You know?
There are only 2 things that make it binding. A legal agreement, and then the words and promises between you. If your words and promises happen to be empty or lies, that's just how it is.
You should look into Chai's suggestion. If you two can agree how to split things up between the two of you, you'll probably both be better off than splitting it off between the four of you (2 of you plus 2 lawyers).
Yep. That's how it is stuh. No worries though. It's all good.
If you view marriage as the equivalent of a rental contract, then there's nothing stopping you from seeing other men just as there is nothing stopping you from entering into other rental contracts. If that's the case, I fail to see the dilemma here.
On the other hand, if you are still hesitant, then it's probably because you don't think a marriage contract is the equivalent of a rental contract. The question, then, is: what's so special about the marital relationship?
If you're asking for permission to cheat on your husband, I don't think that's within our power to give. If it's immoral to see other men while you are still married, then it would be immoral regardless of the approval that others might offer to you. If, in contrast, you don't think it would be cheating to see some other man, then I don't understand why you might feel conflicted.
Honestly Joe, there is no dilemma here at all. I'm not even slightly upset about anything or looking for any great wisdom or permission from anyone to cheat on my husband. *shrugs* Because ultimately if that's what I decided I wanted to do I'd go out and do it. I just got to thinking about what this guy said and thought it sounded interesting enough to mull over a little at least. I thought it would be interesting to see other peoples perspectives as well. I have my perspective. I think I'm pretty set in it at this point. I have no intentions of ever getting married again.
That's not an "oh boo hoo, poor me, I got hurt." statement, though it may sound like it. It's just fact for me right now. I see no point in it really. But on the other hand I'm not going to become a floozy either and just sleep with anything that has two legs and a ding dong. I still take commitment serious. I don't know that I could ever see sex as something to be taken lightly and just done at random with random people. (Not saying anyone here does or has implied they do.) That's just how I feel about it. I won't say I've never done it. But I can say that I can't remember a time I didn't regret it on some level when I did.
Marriage is a contract. I have no idea if it was at first a religious episode or a legal one relative to property. My guess is on the legal one relative to property, but it's only a guess. Even if it was religious first, I think the real mechanics are similar/intertwined.
It can be a religious contract and a separate civil one, as in, say, Italy, where people are married in church and also go and get a quick civil ceremony. In the US, it is often a dual ceremony, officiated by a religious person. Or, just a visit to a city window. Those city window visits don't necessarily mean less to the individuals, though people assume that.
My own view is that marriage is an agreement between two people, however long or short it lasts, before it is an agreement ratified by a religion or a state. Thus, it seems simple to me, if the two people agree it's over, it's over. Although, for the sake of financial distribution and child care decisions that are subject to a legal system... then it's not over until the legal bell rings, or wrings.
I've never lived in a state where adultery (or dating!) changed the nature of a divorce decree, so I can't speak to that. I have no idea how Florida works.
To me, if you are separated, you're separated - and best officially, re accounting and child care matters. Given money and children are not at issue, and you agree you're separated, I think you are also separated as far as being interested in new people... since, remember, I thought the agreement was by the two people in the first place.
Diving into being interested in new people is a subject for argument, re the wisdom. I usually subscribe to the wait point of view, but I have enough friends who are long time happy having not done the waiting thing that my view is, simply, watch your step.
I don't say that every relationship you have has to be love for life. People get together for comfort, sustenance, thrills, among other reasons
Just that.. people can be vulnerable after what they thought was love hasn't worked out. Well, people can be vulnerable, period.
I've known several folks who divorced as simply as possible, filling out the forms mutually and filing with help of a paralegal. Depends on circumstances, I presume.
Thanks for musing osso.
So I guess my ultimate question here is found in my thinking in general. If two people love each other, really love each other, well... why is that not enough? Why does their have to be some piece of paper declaring that commitment? It just seems a lot less messy to me with out it. I'm not out for any law suit, or to take anyone for all they've got. Dang... if he would have asked I may very well have given him everything we bought while we were married as well... maybe... because I just don't care about that kind of stuff. Sure it's sad that he took advantage of me, but really, so what? Lesson learned. A hard expensive lesson to say the least, but shoot... I never said I didn't need the occasional brick to the head as a wake up call once in a while... LOL