anger , I think

I'm thinkiing of filing a child abuse report.

You know of course, this is going on beans "permanent record"

This is how most hardened criminals start out you know, getting kicked out of nursery school.

Just between you and me, I just ate some steamed veggies WITH MY FINGERS!!!!

don't tell.

Shewolf--

Easier to purge yourself of anger towards the day care center than of the guilt you've heaped on yourself for putting Bean there.

How is Bean doing with the informal sitting arrangements?

Hold your dominion.

Little Bean has not had one bitting incident, no over the top yelling , or any ( more then normal for being 2 ) anger for the last 4days.

Monday she spent her first 'day' with my friend Annie, her son and friends child.
Annie has helped people with thier children during the day for a while .
And she is just fabulous.
Not only is she someone Bean knows, but she loves Bean.
So, little Bean is getting -friends-, a home enviornment, and someone who truly cares about HER as a person.

Today, she went to Jamie's.

Jamie and Annie trade thier kiddos between each other so they can go to school, and jumped in my face when I was crying about not having a day care.
I think I truly offended them by not asking for thier help..

Wich is pretty nice.

Again, Bean was with someone who cared about her today too.
THe same kids she played with yesterday, just in a diffrent home.

She had a BLAST!

Did not get a good nap though.
This brought about a tantrum that I lable ' sleepy girl ' HA!

She gets so worked up you would think she has asthma by the sounds of her hard crying.
She is just tired though.. thats all.

Doesnt mean it doesnt do a number on my ear drums..



It has crossed my mind, again, to say something to UT.

But, since I was not there 100% of the time, I am only going by a scorned mamas feelings.
With no actual facts beyond random times I peeked in the classroom, I have nothing.
On top of that, I will more then likely get absolutly no where because UT is huge.
All I want , is for them to hear me.
I want them ( the director, assistant director, and whom ever else is above Beans old teacher) to hear what I saw.
Hear what I feel
See things through my eyes and understand why I think they failed.

I want them to know that Beans biting epsiodes were NOT met with the solutions I gave her teacher.
And how do I know that?

Because one of the solutions was a wash cloth.
For her to give her the cloth if she started to get angry, and LET her bite that. To stop telling her she CANT bite, and tell her Bite your rag.

That rag, sat....... in the same place...... for a week

Then I removed it.

No comments were ever made . No washcloth was ever brought in as a replacement. She never asked if I took it, or if I could bring another because it was lost.

Not once.

Yet, she told the director she used it often.

She also said she was going to give Bean some ' time out ' time.

Essentially, let her sit where she wanted away from the group, by herself with no pressure.

Out of her own mouth -
She did it once.
It worked
" I have not tired it again"


these are the examples of where Beans teacher failed her.
And because her teacher is employed by UT, UT failed Bean.

UT failed to check the tapes of the classroom to watch and see if this new teacher was doing what she claimes she was doing.
UT failed to give me an opportunity to voice my opinion
UT failed at follow up for Beans ""issues""


(sigh)

im off this high horse for right now..
i promise.

Geez, Shewolf. I'm reading along here-- I don't blame you at all for being beyond angry. I'm really stunned at the things you're describing. Poor Bean.

I knew you would know what to do.

Please do it, Dys, or at least advise shewolf on how it is done. I really feel for the other children who are still in that situation.

Shewolf, I read this whole thread and just didn't have anything to say that others hadn't already said. Poor sweet Bean will be much happier now. I wanted to also second Osso's recommendation of the YMCA if you have one there that offers child care. We have one here that my daughter went to over the summer and it was a good value. It wasn't anything fancy, but it was very affordable (110 a week) and the kids played outside a lot. They also made use of the huge gymnasium complete with little kid rock wall. There were additional classes available too, like ballet and gymnastics. They definitely do NOT allow teachers to manhandle the kids and they don't force them down for nap. My daughter is not a napper but they just allowed her to sit quietly in a corner with a book and have "quiet time", as long as she didn't bother the other kids. Also, the churches around here have a very good reputation for preschool, so maybe you could look into that where you are. A lot of them just rent the space and subsidize the operation, but don't inject the religion into the curriculum, which might not be as important to you as it was to us, but is still nice.

If this UT place has a NAEYC certification, it should be yanked. You will find something better, I'm sure of it. Good luck!

Well... update

Jillian went to my friends house while I worked on finding her a daycare.

And I DID get her into the one I wanted in the first place.
I am absolutely in love with the director/owner Andrew.

Him and I talk every morning.
I told him everything that was going on.

At my friends house, much to my dismay, Bean was bitting there as well.
She didn't tell me though. Not until 2 weeks later.

She said at first she thought it was just frustration and embarrassment from being yanked from UT and she might have, on some level, thought she did something wrong.
Not to mention that her day times just completely changed on her.
New home, new day care, new everything.
But it didn't stop.

I FINALLY got to see this 'biting' she does and...... well...

holy ****.


nuff said.


she looked like a WWF wrestler . Brutal, angry , forceful..

I cried myself sick that day.

What happened was that she was on a 2 seater rocking horse. Another kid hopped onto it as well.
He didn't have to touch her, push her, nothing to get on. And he didn't.
But she just turned around, one hand in his hair, another grabbing his ear and threw him on the ground . Laying on top of him so he could not get away, she tried to bite his face.

It looked like what you would see on a high school play ground. Two kids going at it with little control over their anger.

I don't get it.

She is only 2. Why is she so angry? Why is she having such a fierce reaction to simple things like that? Do they all do that?

So, I tell Andrew everything I saw, and tell him everything that happened at UT.
His response was quite simple .

Shes 2. And from the sounds of it, has never been given the option of words, just physical redirection. We will give her other options and allow her to be angry and not try to tell her it is wrong to be mad.

( insert the biggest sigh of relief a mother could feel right here... )

Her third day, she bit herself and someone else.

The worker who saw her do this, stopped me to tell me when I came to pick her up and was sort of surprised that she was biting herself.
He says out of 10 years of day care work, he has never seen a child turn on their own bodies.
Usually they bite the kids who make them mad, throw the toy that makes them mad, scream at the ( insert perp here) what ever it is that makes them mad. Not bite themselves.
He too said that it may be that she doesn't 'feel' pain the way we do and it is just a good place to bite to let out anger.


Oh god.


So, going against all I believe, and all I am comfortable with... she met with a child play therapist on Friday.

This woman has so many titles , that the letters behind her name should allow her to be her own alphabet.
Hourly cost? yeah.......I don't make that a month I bet.
Thank goodness for some rockin health insurance from Ian's job.
Our co-pay is 25.00

I told her everything. Gave her permission to go to Beans day care , and I even talked with Andrew about her so he consented to speak with her as well.

Her first , almost immediate "diagnosis" - Speech Impediment.

She says that Beans L's show the signs of a lack of muscle control in the tongue. And it isn't just normal 2 year old babble..

We have ECI..... or EIC what ever the abbreviation is... Coming on Monday to evaluate her speech and begin working with her.

Speech can make a kid this angry?
That seems a bit too simple to me.
But I am so surprised at what I saw Jillian do that I guess I am actually hoping for something more tragic to be wrong with her, because what I saw was not my little girl.
Even my friend was almost in tears because she knows Jillian too and was just.. shocked...at the anger she has.
Jillian is the type of child who hugs everyone, offers kisses to people when they cry, and is all around very attentive to your feelings.
She is a low-key girl. Even for being 2 and almost like a terrier puppy, doesn't get too excited about anything unless YOU amp up her reaction.

For the length of her life, she has had stress.
Now that there is no stress ( being in our own home where the rules are the same, and she can live as a regular part of the family not gated away in a small room for fear of 'touching anything') I hope what ever anger she has disappears.
I can see where it is valid. Completely. I still have anger issues , but I am an adult and know how to put them away . She doesn't.

I just hope that I can help her find an end to this , since I cant really pin point a beginning beyond birth..

He too ( andrew) also said that I should be barking loudly about UT .

I should file a report on what I saw her come home with and what I saw the teacher doing.

But I am not so sure I want to pick that wound again.

Besides, I have no proof now.

But he was sickend by what happened and just as shocked as others have been. It doesnt fit with what UT advertises, and what people claim them to be.

He also said that in 20 years of having this day care open, and many MANY children with varying degrees of psychological problems, he has NEVER had a child removed.

Currently , in his care, are 7 children with some sort of borderline or full blown psychological issues. And a few of THEM can and have been considered dangers to other kids.

I hate to feel she is lumped in that catagory.. but.. i guess so be it.

Listening.

Yikes, shewolf, what a lot to deal with.

First, you're doing the right thing. Getting professionals involved will help a lot, I think. I'm so glad you have that great insurance.

Second, yes, speech really can have a huge effect, especially as a core cause that then snowballs given other factors. Going into all-day daycare probably was stressful for her. It's something that many kids deal with, but if she didn't have ways to adequately vent/ express her stress and frustration, that could easily a) really increase her frustration level, itself, and b) lead to other ways of expressing it -- like biting.

Then once the biting started, it sounds like it was not dealt with appropriately by the UT staff, and so it became more entrenched and the snowball was on its way. (Negative reaction to biting --> more frustrated/ stressed --> more biting ---> etc.)

The good news about that is that working with a speech pathologist can have really POSITIVE effects.

Thanks for keeping us posted...

Mind you she is only 2 (is that right?). Terrible twos are a nightmare.Tell em not to do something and they will of course.

Interesting that the professional found a way to keep the money rolling in. 2nd opinions are sometimes worth seeking.
but what would I know.

It was just the first meeting.

The meeting was more of a " sign here- then here- and give me your insurance card-sign there... blah blah' then anything else.

During that time, she was just talking to , and watching Jillian.
So her only available judgement , if you will, was going to be on her speech.

She has a play group once a week where she watches children and what they do and that will be where she can figure out what , if anything , is going on.

She didnt seem too shocked to hear what Jillian is doing, but didnt toss my concerns to the side as a part of me was sort of hoping she would.

I too cant wait to see the speech therapist.
I know that Jillian is frustrated with her lack of speech. Im hoping that will solve alot of her frustration on a simple level as well .

This I think is the BIGGEST key .

Her dicipline for the situation was never the same, and someone new was always with her every day, so even basic communication was diffrent day to day.

For her, the only thing that was the same was "Bite, and I get removed from who or what I dont like. Bite myself and I can leave the room if I need to"

I don't know enough about biting and what to do to make any helpful comment, just want to say 'hang in there'.

I am not at all surprised that it could come down to a speech issue -- combined, I think, with the major upheaval her life has gone through. She's just moved (to a better place) and that takes adjustment. She had caretakers for a while who didn't even try to understand her and who also used physical aggression to express their displeasure with her. And on top of all that, she doesn't have the words to express her feelings.

She needs words, that's all. And hopefully your rockin' health insurance will help her get some.

Good luck, shewolf. And I'm glad you have understanding childcare providers now.

Sorry, I zipped that post off without reading all of the other replies. I could have just said "ditto what soz said".

Remember, day care was Bean's first indoor exposure to kids of her age. When she was the only child in a three adult family she could feel whatever she did was right as rain and twice as natural.

Day care and exposure to other kids her age--as well as to adults who hadn't known her all her life--revealed her speech deficiencies. Add this to a number of other changes in a short period of time and you have an angry kid.

Her present daycare sounds like a much better fit. I give the Director full points for calling in the professionals so that Bean gets expert help ASAP.

The therapist's fees may seem high, but she may well be paying back student loan money for years and years of specialized education.

Having a calmer home life will help enormously. Remember, she's only two years old. She isn't supposed to be finished yet.

If that is the case, that must have been alot of education. She is 64.


But, I wont complain about the fees. At this point, anything will help and I have become pretty savvy with our money. We can find any money we need to help Jillian.



I realize she is only 2. And that this will pass in time. I just dont want her to go with out help IF there is something going on.
If this is just 2 year old frustrations, they will dissapate quickly as her little world is now as Bean friendly as it can be.

If it isnt, and there truly is some larger underlying issue, seeing the therapist and the speech therapist will help me learn how to help her more.

Reading along, shewolf. I too think a lot of what you see as anger can be related to a lot of increasing frustration. I'm glad to see you getting some professional help. Do you trust this woman so far?