They'll carry him home in a sled
Ignoring the bra on his head
For the doggy knows
That Santa's red nose
Must light the way to their homestead.
Santa's in a twelve-step rehab
Run by four Hindus in Punjab.
A source unquoted
Has duly noted
Jerry Springer will pick up the tab.
++++++++++++++++++++
The tabloids have picked up the news
The tabloids have picked up the news
And are trumpeting their views
The tabloids have picked up the news
And are trumpeting their views
With headlines glaring
His laundry they're airing:
"Kids Leave Santa Cookies & Booze!"
+++++++++++++++++++++
Santa's hired a lawyer or two
Santa's hired a lawyer or two
Amid all this hullabaloo
He says it's not fair
Santa's hired a lawyer or two
Amid al this hullabaloo
He says it's not fair
In the cold northern air
Not to warm with a bottle of brew
Santa's back on his merry old track
Santa's back on his merry old track
And Rudolph, too, has come back
Santa's back on his merry old track
And Rudolph, too, has come back
That lame, pitiful reindeer
Santa's back on his merry old track
And Rudolph, too, has come back
That lame, pitiful reindeer
Who just loves to swig beer
Santa's back on his merry old track
And Rudolph, too, has come back
That lame, pitiful reindeer
Who just loves to swig beer
And whiskey and cider and crack.
-------------------------
But santa is satan in drag
But santa is satan in drag,
A fun-loving, cross-dressing wag.
With upthrust pinkie
He'll give you a Slinky
If you first put your soul in his bag.
++++++++++++++++++++
Nick looks best in his 9-inch heels
Nick looks best in his 9-inch heels
His suspenders also appeals
When Mrs Claus pinches
Her husband's nine-inches
The reindeers recoil from his squeals.
+++++++++++++++++++
When santa's deoderant runs out
When santa's deoderant runs out,
Polar bear farts and sauerkraut
Could not smell much worse
Than the armpit curse
That plagues the workshop hereabout.
<<Fa-la-la-la-la.>>
++++++++++++++++++++
Mrs. C stocks up on SpeedStick
Mrs. C stocks up on SpeedStick,
She's a resouceful North Pole chick.
Her spiffed-up pappy
Keeps the elves happy
And the reindeer don't become airsick.
++++++++++++++++++++
Santa's now working on his pecs
Santa Claus has worked on his pecs.
He works out on his new BowFlex.
Nick's now buff and ripped
And quite swivel-hipped
At the hot polar discotheques.
++++++++++++++++++
His crisis in late middle life
Has alarmed his long-suffering wife
His crisis in late middle life
has alarmed his long-suffering wife
he never could please
her two clitorides
His crisis in late middle life
has alarmed his long-suffering wife
he never could please
her two clitorides
And that has led to some strife.
The Kickster has come to the fore
The kickster has come to the fore
Just like he had once before
and his pet monkey plays
The kickster has come to the fore
Just like he had once before
but his pet monkey says
step offa my fez
or I'll throw your weak ass to the floor.
--------------------------------
That monkey is off his rocker,
That monkey is off his rocker
Like that a-hole from that stupid movie, Greg Focker
but his butt hole is smooth
That monkey is off his rocker
Like that a-hole from that stupid movie, Greg Focker
but his butt hole is smooth
And his limericks soothe
Just like the poster of Farrah Fawcett that's still duct-taped to the door of his 1976 gym class locker.
But Farrah has changed we can see.
Parts have moved from where they should be.
There's no disputin'
With Isaac Newton
On the effects of gravity.
++++++++++++++++++++
Cosmetic surgery has its charms
