How can I make him happy again?

ari05 wrote:

cetnats1234

First of all , we ALL make mistakes, not saying you were right, but at least you are acknowledging your mistake. That is where you have to start.
If you truly want to save your marraige, you need to give him the time he needs, but also you need to be with him. Things will not get any better by you two being apart. So if you really want to make your marraige work, you need to get a new job or do whatever it takes to be close to him.
Have you truly humbled yourself before him & asked for forgiveness? Have you told him you are sorry for causing pain & you want more then anything to work things out? I would start there if you haven't. As Dr. Phil says, you need to be ahero in your relationship, meaning you need to step up & do the uncomfortable.
Then I would ABSOLUTELY get into counseling. It is only awkward the first time, but it is actually quite eye opening. A counselor can help your husband work through his feelings & help you too. Then he will give you things to do & work on, to improve whatever your problems are. ALL marraiges have problems & need to be worked on, there is no shame in going to get help. Alot more marraiges would be saved if they would ask for help. I would recommend a christian counselor just because if they are not they will not always be totally for keeping your marraige.
You can do this, if it is your hearts desire, but you have to take the steps. If you would like to email me, let me know, I would be glad to talk with you. Blessings to you, Ari

Luckylad - I'm glad to hear you are perfect!! When you mistake someday. & I know you will, I hope someone is there to kick you when you are down....

Thank you ari05. I would like to email you to talk more about it if you can help me to sort it out. I am not religious, will that help me to seek Christian counseling?

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ari05 wrote:

... I would recommend a christian counselor just because if they are not they will not always be totally for keeping your marraige.

This is the craziest thing I've read all day!

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cetnats1234

Feel free to email me: [email protected]

J B - Your free to have your own opinion!!! Blessings!!

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It doesn't appear to me that you want to be with your hubby for any of the right reasons right now.
You do not sound sorry. You do not come across as considering his feelings.
I do not see love for him in your posts.

You are coming across as in a very selfish mindset right now. Ok, that just is what it is. Better to admit it and deal with it.
I agree that, right now at least, this about you assuaging guilt.
His unhappiness is inconvenient for you - so you want him to do something to make You comfortable.

You don't have to like what I'm saying. I don't know you, so I have no emotion connected to this. This is simply my outsider opinion.

I can see merit in YOU seeing a therapist. Forget about suggesting therapy to your hubby or 'trying to help him'. The only way you can help him is to get yourself straight, be honest, act like a big girl, and let him make his own decisions.
I get the feeling though, that you would walk out on one that is good. You'd search for one that was willing to tell you what you want to hear and nod and give sympathy, yet no real help.

In these circumstances, my gut tells me it would be a good idea for you to walk away from your hubby.
I say this bc:
You don't love him (or you are not sure, not acting like you love him)
You don't respect your hubby. (see above)
You can't give him what he needs to help trust you again.
-He doesn't deserve to be given false hope and put through the ringer yet again -

I really do think you should step up and take responsibility for yourself, your mistakes, and your real feelings.

Do you even know how you feel right now? I think you are confused and far from yourself. You can't give in this state. You just can't.

So here's my ideas: Take a break away from your hubby.
Tell him the Truth! Keep him up to speed on what is happening in your life.
Sort through yourself either with therapy and intense painful self-examination.
Find out what you want and what you can give.
Be honest. If you find that you love him after all this....you will know what to do. You'll be bending over backwards to treat him nice and show him he can begin to build trust with you again.

Trust and respect are almost more important than love, I think. Without it, you'll get nowhere.

take care of yourself and be kind to that man you married.

The biggest gift you can give him is to be authetic and tell the truth.

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ari05 wrote:

cetnats1234

Feel free to email me: [email protected]

J B - Your free to have your own opinion!!! Blessings!!

And, my opinion would be that cetnats1234 would be foolish to give you a way to contact her personally.

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Hi cetnats1234,

I've never been married, but I can answer as someone who's both cheated, and been cheated, in a long-term relationship (same relationship - we were together for 6 years. I did wrong first.)

This is my take. No offence, but it sounds like your attitude is, well I said I'm sorry, and now you're waiting for him to do something. To get over it (all by himself, apparently), or ... whatever. You're waiting and seeing what happens.

Thats not how it works.

He must be devastated. And he must sense an utter loss of trust. He cant make himself trust you again on his own - and all the less if you're not even actually around. You have a big part - and a responsibility - to help him to trust you again. To persuade him that he can.

Not saying that it will necessarily work even if you do try. He might be unable to forgive you - or he might be able to forgive you but not to trust you again - or any such variation. And of course, if a year goes by, two years go by, and he's still going, "well I dont know if I can stay with you / ever trust you again", then there is a point where it becomes his responsibility - there is only so much you can do. But have you done much?

Waiting and seeing what he'll do now that he knows the story, is not going to effect much - and its cruel too. It doesnt give him anything to go on. He said he wants to stay with you, so he's willing to try to trust you again - but you've got to give him reasons to. What's he got to go on now?

This is not his private problem. Whereas that's how you describe it here: my husband has a problem, I just want him to be happy, so I hope he gets over it some way or other. Again, thats not how it works. He cant just start trusting you again purely on mindpower, purely by wanting to. You should be there with him and work to restore trust.

If you're not up for that or you dont have the motivation for it, or you're just not feeling it, you'd probably better just cut him loose (for now).

There is a point where you can say, "well is he going to make me feel guilty forever, thats not fair" - but thats not anytime in the first year or two. He's got a right to be angry. A one-night slip is one thing - a year-long relationship is quite another.

Re: how one can work to restore trust, btw -- not, or not just, by telling him that he can trust you. Sure talking is needed - live talking, not on the phone - and, depending on the person, possibly lots of it. (Though please dont answer any detailed questions on how it was with the other guy, what was he like, etc - lot of people will ask that kind of questions when they've been cheated - and knowing the answers in detail will not make 'em feel any better).

But more important is to be there - to show by doing, not by saying. By showing that you really, honestly want him; that you want him (not the other, or a possible future alternative that might still come round); and that you're willing to work for it. No, that doesnt mean do all the homework for him, but it does mean being there, as his loving partner, consistently, fully.

Again, if you dont actually feel that, you stand little chance to make him feel better (people can tell things like that, even if they then make themselves believe again that it aint really so), or to make things better - and it might be better to cut loose until you know you do really want to work to make things better, and can try again (if he's still interested), but honestly.

cetnats1234 wrote:

material girl wrote:
Would you prefer it if he split up with you?

in one way, yes, if i can't make him happy any more. and i have mentioned it to him, but he said he wanted to try to love me again. but i am not sure how he feels now. i am not clinging on him to support me or anything, we both have good jobs and outgoing. we were perfect together i guess. And I am the one who did the wrong thing, i don't think I have the right to call the split. So it is really up to him.

Just to show what we're on about, this is one of the posts that made me feel that you dont actually even particularly want to be with him - "we were perfect together i guess", let alone, "i don't think I have the right to call the split", doesnt exactly sound like the kind of true commitment that would be necessary to have even a shot at restoring trust.

cetnats1234 wrote:

I supposed to be the one taking the blame and the burden of guilt and I know it.

Do you feel you are to blame? Or do you merely feel that, well, you know you're supposed to take the blame?

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flushd wrote:

I agree that, right now at least, this about you assuaging guilt.
His unhappiness is inconvenient for you - so you want him to do something to make You comfortable. [..]

You can't give him what he needs to help trust you again.
-He doesn't deserve to be given false hope and put through the ringer yet again -

I really do think you should step up and take responsibility for yourself, your mistakes, and your real feelings. [..]

Be honest. If you find that you love him after all this....you will know what to do. You'll be bending over backwards to treat him nice and show him he can begin to build trust with you again. [..]

I gotta admit - this is exactly the impression I've gotten from your posts as well.

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Flush'd and Nimh are saying what I've been thinking. I've somewhat agreed with Chai Tea but am not personally feeling all of her expressed irritation with you.

At the same time, I have this rather dull sense that you lack empathy for your husband. That might not be true, it may be lost in the business of posting, but it seems so to me from here. I don't know, following that, that you have empathy for others either (and of course you don't know that about me, turning the tables.) At least some empathy comes from living and observing - most of us gain it and lose it on a regular basis.

Whatever you are feeling - and it is hard to lay out one's real feelings in type to people who are suddenly tuned in to what you type - you are showing a practicality of let's get this going that seems insensitive. Maybe it is insensitive, maybe you are really weary of him. Best then to give him the room to move in his own emotions.

So, what, I think you need to figure out what you really think about life ahead with this man.

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Only just reading this all for the first time, flushd + nimh nailed it, yeah. (J_B too for that matter, if on a different subject...)

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J B And why is that? You don't even know anything about me, so don't be gettin all judgemental on me......

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To all that think " She is not guilty ENOUGH". You don't know me. And plus, do i have to behave miserable to let him feel better? Is this what he needs? The more guilt I show the better he will feel? It just doesn't make sense to me. Is it a positive cycle? I am not defending myself, I really want to know if I behave miserably will help him to get over it.

When we were still living in the same place (the past 3 months), I was trying to be cheerful about things, because I think it is terrible that both of us behave miserably. In the end, we still have jobs to perform, friends to face, and WE decided not to tell this to anyone until we have made a decision. I was trying to be there for him, but he suggests that we separate for a while and see if he can forget. That's why we are not living together at the moment. But it is me to propose not to talk on the phone since that's not actually helping. (i.e. he will puts himself back to the sorrow mind when he talks to me. I saw that he can still having fun with his friends, but NOT when he is alone with me.) But he tells me that he doesn't want to call it quits and needs more time to get over. He can have all the time he wants, but I want to tell him that there are still so many things to be happy about and so many other women to love and cherish if he decides not to be with me.

I do appreciate flushd'and ossobuco's point and ari's offer to help.And all opinions are welcome.

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Nimh, Thank you for sharing your insights. You do nail it and help me answer some of my doubt of myself.

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ari05 wrote:

J B And why is that? You don't even know anything about me, so don't be gettin all judgemental on me......

It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you, per se. When I wrote my response you had a total of 8 posts at A2K. Coincidentially, cetnats1234 also had 8 posts. This is the internet where fruitcakes roam with abandon. I wouldn't suggest anyone here respond to an email request from someone who only had 8 posts, regardless of whether they appear to be a fruitcake.

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That business about cheerful is what I am getting at. Cheerful may be the last word he would describe himself as feeling, though of course I don't know. Maybe he goes in and out of cheerfullness. Just guessing he felt slam dunked and needs time to absorb all this.

But you aren't all sad and don't get him not being cheerful already.

Your near fed-up-ness is a clue, some indicator both of how you feel and what you are reacting to with the impatience. And what he is reacting to with the non-love shining at him, tapping.

More and more I feel you folks are not able to be tuned in to each other. But, I post from a distance.

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cetnats1234 wrote:

Nimh, Thank you for sharing your insights. You do nail it and help me answer some of my doubt of myself.

Thank you ... I'm glad I helped.

Of course, now that I know I helped, I'm going to write another of those too-long posts.. ;-)

I'm just thinking, I've been on both sides of the issue myself. Then again, everyone reacts to and copes with these things completely differently, so what might apply to one person might be irrelevant or even counterproductive with another. That said..

cetnats1234 wrote:

In the end, we still have jobs to perform, friends to face, and WE decided not to tell this to anyone until we have made a decision.

Keeping up appearances, or the sense that this is a priority to his partner, must not be helping him. I mean, of course it's unavoidable, not saying you have to go fighting in public or anything - but I imagine that your cheerfulness, and more particularly cheerfulness-for-the-audience, would add to a sense of implied pressure for him to get over it already (as well), and why is he having such a problem with it? It doesn't immediately emanate empathy - or a sense of owning the problem yourself as well.

cetnats1234 wrote:

I was trying to be there for him, but he suggests that we separate for a while and see if he can forget. That's why we are not living together at the moment. But it is me to propose not to talk on the phone since that's not actually helping. (i.e. he will puts himself back to the sorrow mind when he talks to me.

OK, thanks for the extra information. It puts context in on things (you not being there with him now) about which we were prematurely judgementalising. And I think you have a point with the phonecalls.

cetnats1234 wrote:

I saw that he can still having fun with his friends, but NOT when he is alone with me.

That doesnt in itself mean much. I mean, ten different behavioral styles for ten different people, so difficult to say anything general about it. But for many, the behavior at home with the Significant Other represents how they truly feel. It's easy, for the duration of an outing, to put yourself in a 'fun' mindset with friends, but having to do that at home too would be exhaustive, it's seen as a refuge from that. Others, again, actually do find sincerely happy distraction when out with people, but the underlying problem or sadness just all comes back again when you're left on your own.

All of that is pretty normal. It can be taken too far, of course - I've lived with a girl who passionately believed that with me, she could be exactly how she felt, that this was the prerogative of a love relationship - except that it meant that, at worst, she would scowl or rage at me at home while keeping up a smile to everyone else. There was a point where, as Chumly described it in another thread, you expect, as loved one, to be treated at least as well as total strangers. But thats talking extremities. In general, its a good thing that people feel they have the leeway to be moody or express sadness at home with the person they're supposed to be able to trust, confide in and be themselves with, which they wouldnt show to mates in the pub.

Plus, in this case, he's not just being moody - he's got a damn good reason to be upset. Any sign that you feel he shouldnt express that upsetness to you, possibly (re)interpreted as meaning that you dont think he has the right to be that upset (because you think you havent done anything that wrong?), is going to reinforce his sense of distrust, his sense that you dont care enough - or not enough to want to be bothered by uncomfortabilities, anyway.

cetnats1234 wrote:

but I want to tell him that there are still so many things to be happy about and so many other women to love and cherish if he decides not to be with me.

Thats a Very Tricky one. Its only natural that, if you see someone you care for deeply unhappy, to want to show him the good things, the reasons to live. Its what a friend does. But you're not just a friend of his.

I might be wrong, but I'm guessing that, since he's said that he wants to stay with you but seems to be having a hell of a time finding the trust/belief in himself to be able to do so, he is now anxiously seeking for cues, anything, that might confirm to him that its worth staying, worth trying. Seeking cues that yes, you do still love him, yes you do really want to stay with him, no this wont happen again, because this relationship is just too important for you to put at risk. If he's looking for such cues, and instead he gets, "you could find other women to be happy with too, you know", or "I just want you to be happy, if you'd rather look for someone else that's OK with me too", that's like the very opposite, and will turn him off over again.

In fact, if someone is soulsearching for reasons to stay with you and you say, well you know you could be happy with someone else too, that would feel to most people, I'm guessing, like rejection, like "I dont really care one way or another, either way this ends I'll be fine". AT least, even we outsiders here kind of get that vibe from your posts.

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J B Thanks for the update, I just identified with her pain & knew she needed someone to talk to. But thanks for the warning on here, you are right .... we do need to be careful.

Blessings, Ari

e,

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Contrary to 1234's belief osso,

I'm not irritated, angry or any negative emotion....I'm just not playing into her "give me advice" crap. This bimbo isn't worth the investment of emotion.

1234...I'm not giving you any advice, I'm pointing out that the emperor is naked.

you cheated, you don't want to feel the guilt, so you want to know how you can "make" another person feel happy.

As I and others have already stated, you're not at all sorry about screwing around, just sorry you got caught and can't wait to sweep it all under the rug.

What? You want advice? That's so if you follow it and it doesn't work, you have the fall back plan of "that's what I was told to do"

You're just an adultress.

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More good stuff from nimh. To add to this:

nimh wrote:

Plus, in this case, he's not just being moody - he's got a damn good reason to be upset. Any sign that you feel he shouldnt express that upsetness to you, possibly (re)interpreted as meaning that you dont think he has the right to be that upset (because you think you havent done anything that wrong?), is going to reinforce his sense of distrust, his sense that you dont care enough - or not enough to want to be bothered by uncomfortabilities, anyway.

It also would reinforce his sense of distrust about whether you'll just do it again.

If your overall attitude "is yeah yeah yeah it happened c'mon let's move on...", you're not showing that you fully realize how devastating this was to him. And from his perspective, if you're not showing that you realize that, what's to keep you from doing it again?

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cetnats1234
I hope you have gotten some good direction from all the people here.

There is more of my story on the thread posted by On The Quiet, he asked to share a little more so I did. My situation is quite different, but I know how hard it can be to get things back on track.

I would say maybe you could write down your feelings & give it to him in a letter, if you are not able to talk. Just to reassure him that you do want to work things out.
I think the counseling would help if you really want to work it out, it is hard work, believe me. It is much easier (in your mind) to just walk out, but I believe that will only catch up with you in the long run. I'm learning that usually whatever problems you think you have with that person , you will only take them along with you to the next relationship. So you might as well give it your all & stay in your marraige.
Hope things are making sense for you, Blessings, Hang in there!!

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