How can I make him happy again?

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4 months ago, my husband found out I cheated on him for the whole last year(we were not physically together last year). He is pretty upset of course and I am truly sorry about hurting him. We have talked about the consequences, and he decided not to leave me and wanted to try work it out. But so far it is not working.

He is being and acting very miserable when i am present. I know it is all my fault that he is being miserable but I really want to convince him that he has the right and the power to get out of the misery and the pain that I caused (for instance, if something really funny happened to us when we are together, I see him holding back the laugh and excitement because he thinks that he supposed to be sad and upset at this stage.). To be honest, I am tired of being punished by his indifferent attitude and if he thinks that is punishing me, it is not working. However, I can "happily" take it, but at least he has to get some pleasure from seeing me being punished. Anyway, his method is not working, it just punishes himself. He keeps saying once he forgets what I did, he will be the same and we can probably go back to the old time. But I think it is impossible for him to forget my mistake. he is really a nice man, I want him to be happy. how can I convince him that he has the rightand the power to be happy again? any good advice? This is really bothering me.

Another thing, I moved to another city just about 1 month ago for the job relocation (so we are apart again), but we still keep talking to each other (out of the "duty", "obligation"). But the conversation is really dragging and no more emotions. I don't think keep talking to each other like that is improving our relationship, and I am afraid this is actually hinder the wound to be healed. Hence I asked him not to contact each other until he feels better again. Am I doing the right thing?

Thanks in advance for your advices,

confusing head Question

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CN ... from a guys perspective i can see his views and in actual fact would act the same ... very contradictive of me considering the situation im in atm .

Information and advice here is great as you will get a few great posts but you will never get an answer . The only way i got through my issues was to seek profesional help being councilers .

I am based in Australia and went through a company called lifeworks but im sure you will find some type of other company in your area.

My reccomendations is to try and get him down to a counciler and have a session . I was so against it and felt like an idiot and was closed minded about it but its helped me more in 50 minutes with them than the emotions going through my head in 2 years on my own .

Please go see someone as this is a big topic and there really isnt an answer , its just someone putting things into perspective for him as hes the one that needs help .

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This is gonna be criticism not help.

You said you were having an affair for a whole year.Thats not a mistake, thats intentional.
Why had the physical side of your marriage stopped?

You say his indeiffernt attitude is not working as a punishment yet you say he has 'the right and power to be happy.This is really bothering me.'
You being bothered is your punishment.

I suppose that it bothers you is a good sign as it means you care.

Maybe working out why the physical side of your marriage stopped would be a good start.

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Thank you onthequite. I was thinking about counseling but not sure where to go. Is it the same as seeing psychiatrist? May I know what did you get during that 50 mins session? I am curious what I will hear. And, from a guy's perspective, is it possible for him to forgive me and start it over?
what's your experiences? Do you still love her? what do you think of her?
Thanks a bunch,
Conf Hd

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Why were you not physically in the same location with him last year?

Are/were one of you in the military?

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material girl wrote:

This is gonna be criticism not help.

You said you were having an affair for a whole year.Thats not a mistake, thats intentional.
Why had the physical side of your marriage stopped?

I was in another country for work. Had an affair with a coworker.

material girl wrote:

You say his indeiffernt attitude is not working as a punishment yet you say he has 'the right and power to be happy.This is really bothering me.'
You being bothered is your punishment
I suppose that it bothers you is a good sign as it means you care.

Yes, i deserve the 'punishment" but but I don't see him having the pleasure seeing me being punished. he is torturing himself too.

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cetnats1234 wrote:

material girl wrote:
You said you were having an affair for a whole year.Thats not a mistake, thats intentional.
Why had the physical side of your marriage stopped?

I was in another country for work. Had an affair with a coworker.

So, you were in another country due to work...that's still intentional....

Why did you decide to have an affair while you were in another country?

It's pertinent to know why.

and again, is your work involved in the military?

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Maybe thats the only way he can make you feel bad.Personnally I dont know how id react if that happened to me, Im not a 'shouty, take scissors and hack away at the adulters clothes' type person so sitting and stewing is probably what Id do.

If thats all he is is doing you can count yourself lucky, and you say he is a nice man which is probably why he isnt flying off the handle.

Would you prefer it if he split up with you?

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cetnats1234 wrote:

Thank you onthequite. I was thinking about counseling but not sure where to go. Is it the same as seeing psychiatrist? May I know what did you get during that 50 mins session? I am curious what I will hear. And, from a guy's perspective, is it possible for him to forgive me and start it over?
what's your experiences? Do you still love her? what do you think of her?
Thanks a bunch,
Conf Hd

Howz it going .

I dont really want to go into mysituation in your thread but just go down a few threads and check 1 of the threads i started bout married women .

Im not sure if its the same as a psychiatrist , i think different countries different meanings , not sure but allot here are government funded so you can swing yourself in even if your funds arnt healthy .

In the 50 mins i was actually talking to them , they never give you an answer , they just give you a scenario and then a meaning to what you tell them ... hope that makes sense . In my case , i thought my head was all fucked up and no one knew wot i was going through and that i was a criminal bla bla bla , anyway , i was told that its classic text book and the problems in my head are just build up , your blokes situation is different to mine but still he needs a brain drain to let loose some feelings in a controled environment .

Is it possible for a guy to forgive and start again , sorry , i dont know him , everyones different so cant tell you . I could but would be moping around the house just as he is , i would also be very overprotective and very nosey being going through her phone , checking her emails ( even the sent and deleted items ) . I dont know if id ever get trust back , just dont know but then again i dont know the full story on your side as its very breif but if he was like me , i doubt life with him would be worth going on with as i dont forget .

Sorry girl for not being helpfull in the replies .

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material girl wrote:

If thats all he is is doing you can count yourself lucky, and you say he is a nice man which is probably why he isnt flying off the handle.?

we are both calm and naturally happy people. i am lucky i know.

material girl wrote:

Would you prefer it if he split up with you?

in one way, yes, if i can't make him happy any more. and i have mentioned it to him, but he said he wanted to try to love me again. but i am not sure how he feels now. i am not clinging on him to support me or anything, we both have good jobs and outgoing. we were perfect together i guess. And I am the one who did the wrong thing, i don't think I have the right to call the split. So it is really up to him.

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Again, maybe making you wait for him is his version of a punishment.
Its a shame but it sounds as tho it would be better if you did split up.Its been 4 months and if you are living seperate lives again, maybe its over.

If you are happy to hang on then do so.If not, you cant wait around for ever.
If you say to him you want to split it may kick him into action.

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material girl wrote:

Again, maybe making you wait for him is his version of a punishment.
Its a shame but it sounds as tho it would be better if you did split up.Its been 4 months and if you are living seperate lives again, maybe its over.

If you are happy to hang on then do so.If not, you cant wait around for ever.
If you say to him you want to split it may kick him into action.

Yeah , very good point MG .

This is why i mope around when the wife upsets me on something . I want to get her to fire up and tell me to snap out of it so that i can come back with avengance on reminding her why im actually in that mood .

Now looking at this situation , in short , i think hes looking for a good battle out argument , what outcome he wants , dunno but he wants to have it out and put it all out on the table .

Anyway girls , this is my perspective and i dont speak for all guys but this is how im wired so theres got to be a good percentage out there the same .

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If you want to save the marriage then move back and kiss is ass every second! Why is it up to him? You should be the one there everyday being a slave to him; back rubs, sex when ever, his favorite meals, take out trash..........show him you love him! If you don't then end it NOW! Your selfish and inconsiderate, if I were him I'd punt your ass now. Your just making it worse!

What the hell is it with people cheating?!!!!! Think of someone else for a change! Nothing pisses me off more than spouses cheating, sorry 1234 (or what every your name is) but I could care less about you. You should have known better after the first night, but one year?! Unless he was bad to you, then that changes everything, and I will appologize ............but the way I see it, you were an unpaid whore for one year!

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I'm kinda sorta on the same wave length as you lucky lad.

I notice she isn't answering any of my questions, which is curiouser and curiouser.

I wonder many things....How long have they been married? Children?

A year long affair is a LONG time. It's not a "got drunk at a New Year's Eve party and ended up getting sloppy with someone in the pantry" (Frankly, that isn't an excuse for infidelity either)....but a YEAR! That takes a lot of energy to lie to someone for that long. I'm also wondering how exactly he found out.

I just know too little about this person to seriously consider her plight. However, it does seem that she wants the privilege of screwing around on the man she made vows to, but wants him "to get over it" awfully damn quick.

You are right about one thing though, he'll never forget.

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LuckyLad wrote:

If you want to save the marriage then move back and kiss is ass every second! Why is it up to him? You should be the one there everyday being a slave to him; back rubs, sex when ever, his favorite meals, take out trash..........show him you love him! If you don't then end it NOW! Your selfish and inconsiderate, if I were him I'd punt your ass now. Your just making it worse!

What the hell is it with people cheating?!!!!! Think of someone else for a change! Nothing pisses me off more than spouses cheating, sorry 1234 (or what every your name is) but I could care less about you. You should have known better after the first night, but one year?! Unless he was bad to you, then that changes everything, and I will appologize ............but the way I see it, you were an unpaid whore for one year!

Well, if you read clearly, I am not asking this for myself, you don't have to care about me at all, I am not looking for understanding of the reason why i cheated. Things did happen and can't be undone, and i am looking for no excuses for myself. You guys can be angry as you can, but it is not helping. Of course no one wants this kind of thing happen to them, and I would not want to either.
I am just asking how can I help him to get out of the situation. If he wants me to leave, I will. But so far he has not shown anything like that. I just want him to be happy again.

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cetnats1234

First of all , we ALL make mistakes, not saying you were right, but at least you are acknowledging your mistake. That is where you have to start.
If you truly want to save your marraige, you need to give him the time he needs, but also you need to be with him. Things will not get any better by you two being apart. So if you really want to make your marraige work, you need to get a new job or do whatever it takes to be close to him.
Have you truly humbled yourself before him & asked for forgiveness? Have you told him you are sorry for causing pain & you want more then anything to work things out? I would start there if you haven't. As Dr. Phil says, you need to be ahero in your relationship, meaning you need to step up & do the uncomfortable.
Then I would ABSOLUTELY get into counseling. It is only awkward the first time, but it is actually quite eye opening. A counselor can help your husband work through his feelings & help you too. Then he will give you things to do & work on, to improve whatever your problems are. ALL marraiges have problems & need to be worked on, there is no shame in going to get help. Alot more marraiges would be saved if they would ask for help. I would recommend a christian counselor just because if they are not they will not always be totally for keeping your marraige.
You can do this, if it is your hearts desire, but you have to take the steps. If you would like to email me, let me know, I would be glad to talk with you. Blessings to you, Ari

Luckylad - I'm glad to hear you are perfect!! When you mistake someday. & I know you will, I hope someone is there to kick you when you are down....

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cetnats1234 wrote:

LuckyLad wrote:
If you want to save the marriage then move back and kiss is ass every second! Why is it up to him? You should be the one there everyday being a slave to him; back rubs, sex when ever, his favorite meals, take out trash..........show him you love him! If you don't then end it NOW! Your selfish and inconsiderate, if I were him I'd punt your ass now. Your just making it worse!

What the hell is it with people cheating?!!!!! Think of someone else for a change! Nothing pisses me off more than spouses cheating, sorry 1234 (or what every your name is) but I could care less about you. You should have known better after the first night, but one year?! Unless he was bad to you, then that changes everything, and I will appologize ............but the way I see it, you were an unpaid whore for one year!

Well, if you read clearly, I am not asking this for myself, you don't have to care about me at all, I am not looking for understanding of the reason why i cheated. Things did happen and can't be undone, and i am looking for no excuses for myself. You guys can be angry as you can, but it is not helping. Of course no one wants this kind of thing happen to them, and I would not want to either.
I am just asking how can I help him to get out of the situation. If he wants me to leave, I will. But so far he has not shown anything like that. I just want him to be happy again.

Sure you're asking for yourself....you want him to be happy so you don't have to feel the guilt anymore......after all, you were just having sex with someone else for an entire year....sheesh.

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Chai Tea wrote:

I'm kinda sorta on the same wave length as you lucky lad.

I notice she isn't answering any of my questions, which is curiouser and curiouser.

I wonder many things....How long have they been married? Children?

A year long affair is a LONG time. It's not a "got drunk at a New Year's Eve party and ended up getting sloppy with someone in the pantry" (Frankly, that isn't an excuse for infidelity either)....but a YEAR! That takes a lot of energy to lie to someone for that long. I'm also wondering how exactly he found out.

I just know too little about this person to seriously consider her plight. However, it does seem that she wants the privilege of screwing around on the man she made vows to, but wants him "to get over it" awfully damn quick.

You are right about one thing though, he'll never forget.

let me answer your question (you are kinda curious too)
we have been married for 4 years, together for 7. no children involved.
The affair can last year long is because we were in different countries, so I just let the affair keep going and thought it would end when I came back home.
during that year, we were just talking to each other over the phone, and I split my world into two. It was hard in the beginning but I had no courage to end the affair (and I did fall in love with another person too) and really thought I can put all this behind when I go back home. He found it out by reading my email.

Well, will this help you to give me some advice?
Infidelity can't be promoted, and I don't want to privilege to screw around. "Get over it" is to help himself, not me. I supposed to be the one taking the blame and the burden of guilt and I know it. I just want to help him to get happy again. He can dump me if he wants, as long as that makes him happy.

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so....leave him and go back to the guy you were screwing...chances are he'll dump you when something better comes along.

Your answer of I got in an affair because I was out of the country and not at home is a ton of BS. You got horney, and someone was there.

If you are married you (a) do not put yourself in situations that could lead to flirtations and temptations and (b) if it comes up anyway, you state "I'm married" and walk away from the situation.

You're not sorry about the affair, you're sorry you got caught....do your husband a favor and get out of his life...if you can betray him like that for an entire year, you're not any kind of wife material.

He'll smile after you leave.

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Chai Tea wrote:

so....leave him and go back to the guy you were screwing...chances are he'll dump you when something better comes along.

Your answer of I got in an affair because I was out of the country and not at home is a ton of BS. You got horney, and someone was there.

If you are married you (a) do not put yourself in situations that could lead to flirtations and temptations and (b) if it comes up anyway, you state "I'm married" and walk away from the situation.

You're not sorry about the affair, you're sorry you got caught....do your husband a favor and get out of his life...if you can betray him like that for an entire year, you're not any kind of wife material.

He'll smile after you leave.

Ok, so your advice is to leave him and I am the one who should call it quits--> that's a Simple answer you can give it to me, you don't have to be angry here, I KNOW it is WRONG.
But I will probably follow some other's Clearer and Calmer and Wiser minds here to seek counseling first. Thank you.

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