It's an evil father-in-law for a change!

Cross-posting again.

I dunno about the financial thing. Seems NO to me, re that gives him walk-in-ability.

My first and perhaps best pov is No, No, and then No.
It seems he is not routinely challenged...
and its about time.
You two have some kind of mebbe-long-term plans? You need to have this man not walk on you for the foreseeable future.

As to what is said to him, you and bf need to be on the same page, whiich I imagine can get tough. You should not be going to a motel. Good f'k'in grief.


Now, backing away a bit, I think you don't need to resort to loss of temper yourself. Figure out what you want, and say it reasonably, and stick with it.

Bullies usually appreciate and respect (albeit grudgingly) those who stand up to them.

Oh, geez. I shouldn't have read this thread. I just found out I'm going to have to spend the first four days of July with my in-laws.

(wringing hands)

I'll hafta double up on the antidepressants.

Want some, cypher? I'll share!

Sorry, Eva...

Cypher, Bless your heart for being put into this situation.



I agree with Roger.

As long as it doesn't cause trouble between your husband and you, stick to your guns. Why should you tippy-toe around this imbocile because thats just the way he is? Its time someone put A in his place...and told him the world doesn't evolve around him.

Its your treadmill, your house, your husband. As someone else said.."**** him!"

On rereading what I wrote, I see I cast aspersions on adolescents by implication...

Well, okay, I shouldn't be back on the computer at all, so I must make this quick:

1. Thanks everyone, I don't have a chance to respond to all the good points everyone has made, but I am really, really appreciating the input.

2. I think it was eoe who asked, and no we're not married, but been together almost six years (we're both in our junior year of college and in our twenties); all family members seem to basically consider themselves in-laws. Plus I couldn't fit "boyfriend's dad" in my title.

3. The financial thing is REALLY weird, because if it were up to me, Billy would say no to it. But it is really between him and his parents, because it isn't "couple money" at all, it's his school money. So I can't really have say in whether or not he takes it. But in A's view, it effectively gives him a hold over BOTH of us. <sigh> I hate money.

Thanks again to everybody, I always do appreciate the a2k gang when I'm in a quandary! You're all great, I'll be mulling over everyone's comments this evening...

Oh, and I must add really quickly...

Thanks Eva, and I think I will take you up on the offer...How fast can you FedEx my share of the meds over here?!

And thanks Osso, re the commiseration over needing indoor exercise equipment here... It's COLD outside, dammit!

Trust us, cyphercat. If we agreed with fil (pere, actually) we would have said so. That's the nature of this crowd.

Lots of good advice, IMO.

I will just jump in to say, better to draw the line in the sand now than to deal with his crap for a decade.



Does Billy support you regarding his father not staying in the house? No matter how right you are in how you treat his father, you need to resolve the issue with Billy, too.

I hope that exercise bike/treadmill, or whatever it was (forgot about reading all the answers) is in your spare bedroom by now.
It should be just where you want it, not where anybody else thinks it should be.

As far as I am concerned, family, friends, all can come and visit us and stay for a few nights.
Even if I am not too close to some of them!
However, they will sleep wherever I tell them, or I will gladly find them a nice B&B for the duration of their stay.

So far that has not been a problem with anybody.
And I would not expect anything else from any friends of mine or my husbands.

Being the way I am, no way would I back down, though.
Parents have to accept that children are growing up and may have different views and expectations from their own.
I they cannot do that, let them go to hell...
I will not be quiet for peace's sake!
I am just not the type, and I don't think you are either.

Hate to spoil the party but, most parents have an easier time accepting that their children are grown up when those children are no longer financially dependant upon them. As long as Billy is still holding his hand out for daddy's assistance, then daddy (in his mind) is paying the cost to be the boss. You can't have it both ways and young people today want it that way and too many parents are letting them have it their way. You end up with a bunch of grown-up babies who don't have a clue of what it means to be an adult.

That's an interesting question. I don't know what I think about it.

If Billy were living at home for free, I'd definitely agree with you.

Same with living at home and paying nominal rent but getting perks (free meals, free laundry.)

In this situation, though, if Billy's parents happened to be poorer than they are, he'd be getting financial aid, and they'd be out of the financial picture. But they make too much money, so he can't. Is that really under his control? Is it the same category?

When kids aren't eligible for financial aid because their parents make too much money, it's explicitly assumed by the government et al that the parents will provide money -- that they can afford to, and that it's their role. It's not really considered an above-and-beyond sort of situation.

If you guys are in your early 20's, if I remember right when a person turns 22 (not sure) they can declare financial independence and be eligible for financial aid -- not at all sure of any of that, but worth looking into.

Absolutely. If they want daddy out of their business, declaring financial independence and getting jobs to foot his/their own bills would be the 'adult' way to go about it.

I think I found it:



http://www.faqs.org/faqs/college/financial-aid-faq/

Sticking my oar in here, I feel that worrying about whether the parental money gives them the right to making any sort of demands over how you arrange your household, or live your lives, is rather irrelevant, as nothing will change after the assistance has finished, other than the fact that it will move into the past tense.
"We broke our backs to put you through college, and don't you forget it. Now do as I say and chuck out that tread mill" . This can be thrown at you for years to come, if the line isn't drawn here and now.

My Mum once had a go at my wife, shortly after we had married. Basically, I told her that if she ever spoke to my wife like that again, she could f*ck off out of our lives. Those were the exact words I used, I was so mad.

Billy could obviously be a bit more diplomatic than that, but the same message needs to be made loud and clear. His dad, as things stand, still thinks that he can tell Billy what to do and obviously thinks that he has sufficient power over Billy, that he can treat you in the same way without Billy going against him.

Billy has to draw the line. Not you, as you don't count, in FIL's eyes.

If it means that Billy (and you) have to delay or revise things because of financial hardship, then I'm afraid that you will have to endure it. At least you will be living your own lives, and not being treated like children anymore.

Billy can choose his wording, as he knows what will work with his dad, but the message must get across to FIL, loud and clear, that he must never speak to you like this again.

I wouldn't go so far as demanding an apology, as it will be enough of a smack in the face, having his son tell him that he acted like an arsehole.

If he takes it on board and modifies his behaviour, try your best not to hold any resentment and give it your best shot to start a new chapter with your in laws.

Good luck.

Basically, cutting out all of my previous waffle, his Dad needs to be made fully aware of something.

He needs to know, without a shadow of doubt, that if Billy had to choose between him and you, he would choose you.

It worked with my Mum, and she was a right bloody dragon!

Yep.

Don't let the conversation be turned to money. He's either doing it for his son (it's a gift) or he's doing it to get something in return (it's a transaction).

Of course, this is easier to say from a position of financial independence....

Looking at it from Lord E's perspective....hum, makes rather good sense.

Looking back at my In-laws, I know that I was the one that had to fight the battles with them, drawing lines and holding them to it with much resistance, and sadly loosing the battle at times, because my husband wouldn't back me up.

It took 14 years for my husband to finally draw the line with his mother and put her in her place. Of course, I was in the process of packing my bags, because I had enough!

What kills me, that ended it. If he'd only done it sooner....it would have saved us years of heated battles over her mistreatment of me, and what I took as his lack of deeming me worthy enough to stand up for me.

Let him stay over. I'm serious.

But just once, in the smallest, crampiest, smelliest, messiest, loudest room ever. Hell, leave the garbage out (outside) in hopes that skunks attack. And leave motel brochures around.

He won't want to stay over any more.

"Sorry, A___, but a sewage treatment plant just opened up next door and the garbage truck comes at 6 AM and it's very loud and there are all these allergens in the air! Can I fix you up in a nice hotel?"

Sure, it's passive aggressive, but this guy is an ass and won't see that that's how he's being. He needs to see that staying with you is inconvenient, uncomfortable and itchy/allergenic/unrestful/whatever before he sees why he shouldn't stay with you.