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Mon 12 Jun, 2006 07:48 am
so many of you followed my story. I was the one dating the military guy who was away for 3 months of training. I had known him a little more than 4 months before he left. During the time before he left, we became pretty close, hung out basically every day before he left. He told me he loved me before he left and wanted to stay in touch, i then started getting all these letters from him with him telling me he realizes how much he loves me now, hates being away from me, cant wait to see me hold me again. this went on for 3 months. He kept telling me how when he got home he just wanted to spend as much time as possible with me. Well he came home and the first 3 nights he was here, he pretty much blew me off to get drunk with his brothers and cousin. The 3rd night he did it to me we got into quite the argument and he hung up on me, we didnt speak for a week. I did call apologizing the next day, then i backed off to give him some time thinking he'd come around, but he didnt call (aside from one very late night drunk phone call).
After a week i felt so hurt and confused by everything that i called. If it was over, i wanted to know, i cant stand silence when my heart is pretty much breaking, just tell me something, anything. So he answered and pretty much acted like everything was fine. To make that long story short, he came over, we hung out all night and day and things seemed fine. He blamed everything on me, said i argued with him when he was trying to hang out with his family, etc. I really felt guilty. So he was normal for the next 2 days after that. We hung out again on wednesday night, we just had dinner. He kept telling me he loves me and remember how it was before he left, he wanted to see me every single day, but now i just seemed to argue with him all the time and it makes him not want to be around me. I just said, ok. So he told me that we would hang out the next night, it would be 'all me' and then the night after that i'd go out with him again. So we really did have a nice night, when he was getting out of my car, we had a really long kiss, then he's like i'll see you tomorrow.
SO thursday comes, at 1:30 in the afternoon, i see that he's called me. I call back. He says, hey you're going to be mad at me, but i have to get at 4am on friday to go to a golf tournament (something military related) I was disappointed but said, ok. He said we could still see each other that night, he'd come over and we'd watch a movie. He even said, i'm hoping the tournament gets rained out then i can just come back to your place and hang out with you all day. So I was still feeling excited about getting to see him that night. So at 5:30 i call him to see when he's coming over. He says again, you're going to be mad at me. I said, what now. He says, i have to that dress rehearsal dinner on tonight, i forgot about it (he had to go to a wedding saturday, i was going to go with him, but after us not speaking for a week, i went to another party, since i thought we'd never speak again). i said, so i cant see you at all tonight now? he said, no, well i dont know, i'll call you after it gets out. Then he says, tomorrow night (friday night) we'll spend all night together, it'll be 'all you'. I just said, ok and we hung up. So thursday night comes and goes...he never calls as he said he would. So next day at 3:30 pm he still hasnt called. I call him to ask what time he wanted to do something that night. Never calls me. I even called again later that night and nothing. I just DONT GET IT!!!! I DONT I DONT. If he wants to end things, for GOD's sake, why doesnt he just SAY IT??? WHY would he go on and on about how he loves me, and tell me we're going to hang out and do all these things together. I even told him, I know you're leaving for another country for a year, doesnt mean we still cant be friends. I dont know if he's just trying to distance himself from me??? IS this his way of doing it?? I just will not believe in my heart that he doesnt care about me...i just wont.
He ended up calling saturday night at 1:30 am...so technically sunday. THe message he leaves was, Im sorry i didnt call you yesterday, i got home and fell asleep and this morning i just had to get up and get ready for the wedding, i couldnt call. Can i call you tomorrow, or will you call me? actually if you get this message now, call me now please, you can call me whenever you want.
Is this guy messed up or what??? Yes i'm acting messed up by putting up with this, but i dont get what he wants??? I called him last night, i felt so mad. He is a liar in terms of friday. He obviously found something better to do and then didnt have the balls to call me and worse yet, obviously didnt want me to join him. so he IGNORED me. SO WHY CALL AGAIN and leave that type of message. in my message i just said, well i dont know if you want to end this like an adult, but the ball is now in your court.
I have never been more confused. WHY CANT he just tell me what he's really thinking???
One thing I learned many years ago...you'll go nuts trying to 'understand' why liars lie. It's like trying to understand why a wino drinks wine or a drug addict takes drugs. If you're not a wino or a drug addict, you won't understand.
I spent six years trying to "understand" a man who swore that he loved me and wanted to be with me but in the meantime, he held me at bay, strung me along to the point of viciousness almost, stood me up continuously and generally, did not act like a man in love, regardless of what he said. I hung in there because I just couldn't understand why he would say such things if he didn't mean them.
You've heard the saying "Action speaks louder than words"? Watch what he does and stop listening to what he says. Talk is cheap.
Waiting for him to end it? Why? You end it. Be done with him and move on.
playon, I was thinking of you while reading this yesterday:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/11/fashion/sundaystyles/11love.html
Not so much re: this story, but previous ones, and all of them together.
So let's try to synopsize here, so that I don't waste too much of my time on this or any succeeding installments of the latest melodrama:
You "fall in love" with a jerk, despite a plethora of advice to the contrary.
Jerk acts like a jerk and you agonize over the reasons for it and why you would fall for such a hound.
Then, you will either get back with said jerk or not.
If so, we will be treated to more missives expounding on how much this jerk acts like a jerk and how you just don't understand it-- as though understanding a jerk would make him less of a jerk.
If, in an excess of common sense, you decide to move on, then we will be treated to on or more plaintive entreaties about how much you loved and/or miss said jerk.
Does that about cover it? Can we move on now?
Get a dog. They're loyal.
re
i have a dog...it's not the same
I've read the whole post and I sympathize that you are hurting. But the one thing that came to mind the whole time I was reading is that you need to find a hobby. The fact that you are available to him so many nights in a row is insane. He is treating you the way he treats you because you allow it, and even encourage it. How about calling and cancelling your plans with him once in a while.
re
I know, i have been very available to him, but let's keep in mind that we didnt see each other for 3 months...I knew when he was coming home, kept my scedule open. I probably do need more to do in my life. I mean i work full time, go to the gym after work, see friends, family. Why is it that all my other girl friends are available to their men and this doenst seem to happen to them? I have 2 friends who are perhaps worse than i am at pleasing their men. Heck with one of them, we basically went through a period where we werent really even friends, because she couldnt make plans without consulting her guy first, certain nights were reserved for him...Im not saying they are right, but i dont know if this is about me being too available. Since he's been home I havent seen him much, I even left 2 weekends to go to my family's summer home...but yes I do often feel like my life is empty...he definitely filled a void.
A man enjoys the chase.
A man chases a woman until she catches him.
If there is no chase involved, the man goes out drinking with his mates.
You are so right, eoe. I've known liars who lie more or less as a conversational gambit - even with nothing to gain and no impression to be made.
re
'A man enjoys the chase.
A man chases a woman until she catches him.
If there is no chase involved, the man goes out drinking with his mates.'
That's bullsh*t. I can see maybe a woman shouldnt be too available in the beginning, but once I love you's have been said, done 3 months of long distance, there's no reason to play games anymore.
You're the one that's being the doormat, playon.
He KNOWS you're always waiting.
You're the one that's being the doormat, playon.
He KNOWS you're always waiting.
I haven't read your other posts so I may be speaking out of school but....
If the sexes were reversed in your post - if a guy was dogging you like this, trying to cut you off from your friends and family by getting so jealous, trying to make you check in with him every day, blahblahblah, we'd all be talking to you about domestic violence and urging you to run like the wind away from anyone who tries to control and manipulate you like that.
Something to think about.
re
i never tried to keep him from his family. I knew he had plans with his brother, i just thought i'd be seeing him that night and thats what he told me. instead he showed up at my place drunk at midnight. Next day it was the same thing, he had to see a cousin, but would see me later that day. It never happened
And i'm sorry but if you're away from your girlfriend for 3 months, dont you think they deserve a special night when you first get home? Perhaps i was selfish, but thrusday he couldnt do anythign with me until 2am because he was drinking with a friend, friday couldnt do anything with me because he was seeing his brother (which i understood, but it turned into an all night thing rather than just during the day as he originally said) then saturday i got blown off for his cousin. I'm not saying I was perfect, maybe i should have been more understanding, easy going...but where did i really stand in his life based on all i just said? It's not like he was here full time and i was telling him, no you cannot see your friends or family, you can only see me.
- He's a jerk, and he's playing you.
- You've been too available and yeah, you're right that it shouldn't have to be that way, but see #1.
- You're right, he gets other things to do and they are more attractive to him than hanging out with you. See #1.
- There is still a drinking issue. He's calling at 1:30 in the morning?! You don't need this kind of agita in your life. See #1 and #2. My husband, who I love more than anyone in the world, knows damned well not to call me at 1:30 AM if he's out of town (or I am), unless there's been a major horrible accident or a death in the family. There are no other reasons for calling at that hour. Zero.
- You are convenient company when there's nothing better, newer or more exciting going on. He will continue that way when you are apart. He will use your picture and a sob story about your relationship as an excuse to not commit to some girl wherever he is going -- or he will do the same to you with a picture of some girl from wherever he is going. See #1.
- You need not wait until he breaks up with you. You can take the responsibility for ending this mess right now. He won't do it, he's got it too good.
I'm sorry you're hurting, but that will pass. He'll always be a jerk, but you won't always be hurt.
But she will always be hurt, unless she takes steps to change her behavior. This type of relationship is a pattern with her. It's not random bad luck, it's continuous poor choices and low self esteem.
Re: re
playon wrote:i got blown off
When he's done blowing you off to spend time with his drinking buddies, and then shows up at your door in the wee hours of the morning--drunk--do you sleep with him?
re
at this point i just feel bad...i cant explain how i feel. I dont know if i can say i feel like a fool...but i certainly have been fooled. I am angry that he would treat me this way...i dont get what has gone on in his mind. I have never had anything like this happen to me...I really havent. I have had people break up with me...I've broken up with people, but never have I had someone sit there and tell me they love me over and over, then completely ignore me...I dont know what i could have done differently to not be feeling this pain and confusion...I guess never met him? Debra, yes there were times when he went out with friends drinking and came to see me after...the last time that happened was more than 2 weeks ago. I didnt see it as a big deal...at this point i would definitely not allow him to come around...even if he only wants me there for his convenience...wouldnt most normal people still call me back? He is literally ignoring me because he doesnt want to deal with what he has done i think. He doesnt want to explain himself at all...he just wants to do what he wants to do.
Why spend so much time agonizing about what is going on in HIS mind?
He's a jerk. Trying to figure out WHY he's a jerk isn't going to change the essential fact: He's a jerk.
He isn't treating you like a man "in love" would treat his girlfriend; he's treating you like his booty call.
If YOU don't want to be treated like this jerk's booty call rather than his cherished girlfriend, then YOU need to put an end to this misery. The sooner the better.
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