Running out of patience now

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Hi all,

I've been having problems with my mother for a long time, but just lately it's getting out of hand and I don't know what to do. I need other people's opinions.

My mum and dad have always argued. Each time they've stayed together and worked things out. Throughout their marriage they've had problems with my dad's parents the fact that they didn't like my mother was a big one. This caused strain. Sometimes they've argued because of each other, other ocassions because of grandparents. Living close by didn't help.

My mum started going through the menopause many years ago. Things started to get a lot worse around that time and I'd just finished university and was living back at home. She's very fiery anyway, so with this on top it got unbearable. She'd bring things up about the marriage in arguments and seemed to have a lot of resentment towards my dad, but I'm telling you the arguments and shouting really are fierce and horrible. (I have to say she seems to have resentment towards me too for some reason)

I grew up with a lot of this and realised that I might be patterning her behavior and mannerisms (way of thinking) and have tried my hardest to break away. I don't live near to them anymore and live with my BF many miles away. My mum has always been very over sensitive to comments made by people and would always flip into an argument. Of course going through the menopause made it worse. It's like when a woman is on pmt little things seem bigger and what you wouldn't normally get hurt by is made bigger. Only she's a lot worse over even small things that are said.

Well this has been going on for ten years now and it's getting even worse. i think this might be because we've let it and accepted it as normal. When I go to visit she seems to flip over some minor thing I've done or said. She seems to be bullying us. She's reading into everything. Everytime now that I've made a visit there's an argument, usually within a few hours of me being there. i've tried everything to stop it and not do things that annoy her. Dad and I keep telling her to get HRT, but she won't and I know she never will. She's very stubborn.

I've always felt like I could stick by all this with her (she's my mother and being a woman I try to understand her), but since my last visit with BF I just don't seem to be able to anymore. I don't sympathize anymore. She went into a big mood over a small thing that was said and became very paranoid. She accused me of insinuating something when I swear I wasn't at all! It's crazy! She hardly spoke to me, dad and BF. I can't even begin to explain what it was all like. They told me not to worry, as it really hurts when she gets like this at me.The closest I can say is like a spoilt/moody/hormonal teenager (walking on ahead, sarcasm, hardly speaking when we were trying to make the effort). Just basically one big mood.

My poor dad was so embarrassed in front of my BF. Me too and that's why I feel like this now. I'm exhausted by it all with her. My dad told her and warned her not to make a scene or to cause anything before we arrived, but in her eyes she thinks it is us causing the trouble. On the morning I was about to leave an argument was caused and she started complaining about my BF when he was there (shouting and everything) She accused all of us of not moving far enough across a park bench for her when we went out for a walk. The reason for this was because it was dirty and to be frank there was plenty of room. My BF thinks we should stop blaming ourselves and admit that she's probably not a very nice person.

Since moving away from the area I've not been listening to the arguments or been involved, so it's not been the norm for me. When I visit I see how abnormal it all is. My dad is at his wits end and yet he's stuck by her all this time. I don't think he can cope much longer. They only really have each other, which makes it worse for him. I'm worried about him. I hated leaving him to go back home and he was in tears about the situation. I know some of you will say divorce is the answer, but I think my dad feels tied due to monetary circumstances. They have a lovely home etc etc. Yet she seems to be wrecking it. They should be enjoying their retirement. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I don't want to see her because she makes me ill too when I visit and the arguments. (I've tried talking). I just don't think she realises what she's doing or how bad it's become.

I'm wondering now if it is something mental, it's getting that bad. She walks around sighing and doesn't go out. She must be depressed too and we've told her to go to the doctors but she won't. It makes me feel now as though she doesn't care about us or she wouldn't want this or be doing it. She'd try to do something about it. yet she bought me a present so I know she must care, but then proceeded to get in another mood with me for not putting it in my bag straightaway. The majority of the time she argues with me now rather than doing anything nice.

Please help!

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That's a really tough one. Sorry you have to deal with this, Jackie.

Are you an only child?

What would happen if you said something like, "Mom, I love you, but I can't be around you when you're like this. If you can't see it, that's part of the problem. Go to the doctor and get started on dealing with it. I won't be spending time with you until that happens."

?

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Hello, jackie2.

I don't have a good answer for you. Your mother is an adult and unless she can be considered incapable of making decisions for herself there isn't much you or your dad can do to force her into treatment. It really must come from her and it doesn't seem as if she sees herself as the problem.

Quote:

My BF thinks we should stop blaming ourselves and admit that she's probably not a very nice person.

I partially agree with your bf's assessment. You should stop blaming yourselves but I don't know that she isn't a very nice person. She very well could have a mental illness that prevents her from being in control of her responses. Unfortunately, without treatment - or at least an evaluation, it doesn't sound like there will be much improvement in her behavior.

If her outbursts become more frequent or she starts having memory lapses then you might want to suggest she be evaluated for dementia or other aging disorders. At this point I would suggest you turn your attentions to supporting your father. He is with her all the time - the stress must be very difficult for him. Does he have hobbies or activities that get him out of the house or out with his friends?

Good luck to all of you!

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I agree with both soz and J_B - your mother is the problem and you need to stop accepting blame. I particularly like what sozobe said you should say - very neutral but clean and firm.

Good luck, girl. Yikes, I hope I don't become like that.

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Thanks for your quick replies. Sozobe your reply mirrors exactly what I've been thinking, but I've just been feeling so guilty at actually thinking it, and that is just what I should do. I know when I next talk to her and there will be a next time I can't just ignore what has happened again like so many times before. It seems as though we're accepting it all. Your advice is very good and I like the words you use. I don't want to get in an argument with her anymore, but I still want her to know that i love her.

JB- I really am beginning to think it's mental of some sort. She is forgetting a lot of things too, but I don't know if it's bad enough yet. She knows me etc, but she does seem to be getting more and more incapable of dealing with anything and losing her confidence in things. My dad and i have talked about dementia because it seems to be heading that way. We just somehow can't understand why, she's only in her 50's. I am trying to support him as much as I can, BF too. We've invited him to visit on his own as much as he wants for some space.

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Thanks all, it really helps having you all listen to me. As you can imagine I don't want to tell anyone and so far it's all happening with only my BF knowing and (probably his parents). I want it kept that way. I only have him to talk to as an outsider of the situation.

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That's very nice of you to make that offer to your dad.

I've been in similar places with both of my parents. Medication and therapy helped both of them a great deal.

You have no reason to feel guilty. If anything, saying something like that may be the best thing that happened to your mom, and finally spark some real change.

Therapy for yourself might be useful during this time as well.

Best of luck.

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Thanks sozobe- I've always felt closer to my dad than my mum, partly because of her fiery personality. He's always showed a lot of love for me and I hope I can give that back in return. Sometimes therapy for myself sounds good. I am an only child and I worry about how I'll deal with things when they're both gone too. I don't want to have any regrets and want to do things by them as best I can. i'm sure we'll get throught this.

Thanks sozobe

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Your mother sounds very familiar, jackie2. My mom had a very difficult time with "the change" too. She acted almost exactly the way you describe your mother's behavior. She also refused to see a doctor about it. During this time, she and my dad divorced -- initiated by her leaving and trying to convince us all that he was trying to have her killed. She's gotten better since then, but she's still a bit... off. She refuses to see a professional about her issues and any suggestion that therapy might be beneficial is met with a predictably paranoid response. She accused us of trying to have her committed so we could take her money (she doesn't have much). She has pushed each of her children away so that we are barely more than acquaintances with her. None of us like to be near her and all of us feel guilty about that. We keep our kids away from her and feel guilty about that too. I wish I had some advice for you. In any case, she should start to mellow soon, maybe enough to accept the suggestion of therapy and/or meds. In the meantime, maybe just keep in contact with your dad so he doesn't feel too isolated.

Good luck and hang in there. I know it sucks.

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Gosh freeduck! Why does this happen to women. You sound like you had a really bad time. I just hope I don't do the same when I'm older and I keep being rational. It's like all sense and reason goes out of the door. I don't want my parents to divorce but no sane person would put up with this. It's good to hear from you. I hope it's just the change, I don't want her to have dementia, yet the change seems to be making it look like it is.

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One thing I realized when I started talking to other people about my mother is just how common her behavior is. I had thought that I was the only person in the world with such a wackjob for a mother, but truthfully it's very common -- especially the hormonal thing. Some women have a harder time of it then others. I have a friend who had a hysterectomy due to ovarian cancer. She told me the tale of how she tried to avoid taking hormones for a long time. She tried getting it naturally through soy products and such. Finally she realized how her mood swings were effecting her family (especially her two little ones) and she went to the doctor. As another friend of mine likes to say, we are just one big walking talking chemical equation. When the equation is out of balance, we can become monstrous.

Unfortunately, some women are already not very nice people when the hormones turn them into monsters. Those are the women in the nursing homes whose children don't visit. Sorry, that was a bit harsh. I really hope that once the hormones are under control your mom can return to her former self, or close enough to her former self to be bearable. Good luck, jackie2. You really do have my sympathy.

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What a horrible, abusive woman. But, she has no incentive to change because you and your dad allow her to stay the way she is.

She is immature--emotionally stunted--self-absorbed--cruelly inflicts pain on others--and refuses to control herself or get help because there are no consequences for her extremely bad behavior.

You and your dad take all of her abuse and tiptoe around her in fear of setting her off again. It takes nothing but the most innocent of incidents or statements for her to fly off the handle and make life unpleasant for everyone around her.

But the point is: She can abuse you unless you ALLOW her to abuse you.

Just as if you were dealing with the most spoiled, self-absorbed, brattiest of bratty two-year-olds, you need to be stern with her, establish limits/boundaries, and impose consequences when she violates those limits/boundaries.

When she starts to throw a tantrum about something, e.g., the park bench ORDEAL, immediately STOP her:

We didn't swoosh down the bench because it was FILTHY. It's that simple. If you can't understand that the bench was filthy and that we simply didn't want to get our asses dirty and that we weren't trying to be rude to you----that's YOUR problem, not ours. If you continue to throw trantrums over inconsequential bullshit, WE ARE LEAVING. We will not tolerate abusive behavior.

If she continues to throw her argumentative, senseless tantrum----GET UP AND LEAVE! If it's on the phone----HANG UP! Don't tolerate the abuse!

My mom was so much like your mom that it's scary. My mother inflicted her abusive tirades on her family members until one by one they all had enough of her and refused to take it anymore. It wasn't until she understood that there were consequences for her bad behavior that she made an effort to be nice. There was a time when my mom and I didn't speak to each other for almost a year because I wouldn't allow her to abuse me anymore. When she finally called me and apologized, our relationship improved big time. Abusers can't continue their abusive behavior if there aren't any victims willing to take it. Refuse to be a victim!

If you want a better relationship with your mother, then it's up to you to demand that she shape up--respect the boundaries (no tantrums, no arguments)--or there will be consequences. You need to be consistent. It's hard, but if a two-year-old can learn that there are consequences for bad behavior, so can an adult. She's over 50 years old. It's time for her to GROW UP!

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That's alright freeduck, it wasn't harsh. I feel like the blinkers have been lifted from eyes after so long, what you say just confirms it. I just don't understand why it has taken so long. I hope that ignoring her makes her realise. I suppose people just try to keep things hidden away as much as possible. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing. I'd been feeling so guilty that me moving away was awful and when I have grandchildren I'd be making it hard for my parents and then she goes and does this.

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FreeDuck wrote:

. . . I had thought that I was the only person in the world with such a wackjob for a mother, but truthfully it's very common -- especially the hormonal thing. . . .

Unfortunately, some women are already not very nice people when the hormones turn them into monsters. Those are the women in the nursing homes whose children don't visit. . . .

AMEN!

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You're right debra_law. I just wish I'd done/felt this earlier. It's best to get angry and I'm going to start now. It's just that she always used to convince me that i had said or done something wrong that was hurtful. It was very manipulative because you had actually said it. So there was an element of truth in it, but you still knew it was her being over sensitive. If that makes sense.It's only now since I moved that I realsie it's not. If we don't put up with it she can't carry on. I know I'm going to try my hardest to change things.

Anyway, the way I feel I don't want to speak to her for a year either. I know of people who haven't spoken to their parents for a year over something not as bad as this.

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She's child in a woman's body. She has everyone around her catering to her over-sensitive--ME, ME, ME--tirades. Her tantrums have been effective for 50 years. Usually, as a child grows up, a child discovers that the world does not evolve around him/her. Your mother never learned this lesson. But, it's never too late to teach an old dog new tricks.

She can learn to control her bad behavior or she can live the remainder of her life miserable and alone in her self-centeredness. And, she might be stubborn enough to go a year or more refusing to change or to talk to you---because she doesn't want to grow up. But eventually, even the most stubborn of spoiled children are forced to take a good look at themselves and alter their behavior when they find themselves without friends.

Throughout time, ostracism has been a powerful tool against people who stubbornly refuse to conform their behavior to socially acceptable levels. Simply because she's your mother, that doesn't give her a license to treat you any way she chooses to treat you. Her behavior is unacceptable. She either changes or she is ostracized.

As you said already, you're losing your patience with the over-grown child who calls herself your mother. She might have commanded your love and respect when YOU were a child because she was bigger than you and you didn't know any better. But she can't command your love and respect anymore. She has to earn it.

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If she's prone to the victim mentality, ostracism might provide you relief but probably won't change her behavior. My mother has yet to run out of sympathetic ears willing to hear how she has been abused by her ex-husband and her ungrateful children who hate her. Over time, as they catch on to her act, she finds new unsuspecting "friends". There is a genuine conflict in situations like these between what is good for her and what is good for the rest of you. It would be nice if doing what is best for you in this situation would also lead to her getting help. But I don't have a lot of faith that it will. So in the end, you have to do what is best for you. All you can do for your father is support him, listen to him, be there for him if he needs you. But otherwise, that's his wife and he has to deal with her just as you had to.

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FreeDuck wrote:

It would be nice if doing what is best for you in this situation would also lead to her getting help. But I don't have a lot of faith that it will. So in the end, you have to do what is best for you.

Exactly!

My mother spent the last three years of her life in a nursing home. I didn't visit regularly. I do have a "Billy Graham" book that she read while she was there. She highlighted parts of it and wrote notes in it. On the inside of one of the covers, she wrote how much she loved her children and how sad she was that we didn't visit more often. And I do feel slight pangs of "guilt" when I look at what she wrote, but distancing myself from her was necessary for self-preservation. I'm sad that she was sad . . . but, in life, you reap what you sow.

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Freeduck-I've been speaking to my BF about all your valuable responses. He says it's good to know I'm not alone and there are others going through what I do. He doesn't think she'll change though, he says its gone on too long. I don't know though I think Debra_law might have a point about osracizing her. My mum doesn't have any friends and she doesn't have anyone else to talk to. They only have eachother. She can't move on to new ones. So I think me not talking to her might work, I suppose it's worth a try. Especially as she's said she wants grandchildren (what a joke).

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That's sad debra about your mum, but like you say 'you reap what you sow'. When it comes down to you feeling that it's a matter of self preservation then you know there's something wrong and you have to get out of it.

I didn't think I'd get to this point (self preservation) but I have. Through her own doing, it's not me who is always picking the fights and complaining.

You explain things so clearly debra_law and seem to know exactly what I'm dealing with. Your strength gives me strength.

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Running out of patience now

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