Running out of patience now

Freeduck- I hope you still have the strength and I hope that we've helped eachother. You've certainly helped me :-)

You're not alone. I was 34 years old before I gained enough strength to stand up to my mother, to confront her about her bad behavior, and to refuse to take it anymore.

I tried once when I was in college and brought a friend home for Thanksgiving. My mother embarrassed our family in front of my friend and ruined our holiday with one of her selfish tantrums. I was LEAVING and NEVER coming back until she apologized . . . and lo and behold . . . I ended up apologizing to her for being "insensitive" to her feelings just to smooth things over. OH BROTHER. It took me years to grow a backbone and say NO MORE.

Debra that sounds just like me.......you just want to smooth things over all the time because you want normality. I'm in my early thirties now and I don't know maybe around this age you begin to realise things more. I suppose in your thirties you're all grown up and maybe hoping to settle down and have your own family. You're gaining more life experience and are able to compare things better.

this sounds so much like family it's crazy!! If you have seen the Squid and the wahle that is kinda like my family without the divorce parents fight all the time but refuse to seperate bizarre I still live at home and I just try and step away when fights break out and ignore any sort of argumentative behavior this works 80% of the time i have to confess that occasionally i break down the inevitable fight ensues.

my deepest sympathy tagged_lyricist, especially as you are still living at home. I hope it doesnt get too bad. I had a good circle of friends at the time and I used to go to their houses a lot, just to pop in. I never used to tell them why though. all of this certainly shows me how not to behave in the future.

thanks jackie but i think we have hit the ulitmate lows in this house that alll we caqn do is repeat them... Anyway I too have a lot of friends and a lot of work (as you can see on the life at work board) so that keeps me bust oh and my dogs i can just take them out if i get too ruffled.

I'm glad we've helped you some, jackie2. Hang in there, and feel free to vent here whenever you need to.

oh and i see i can't spell tonight either oops. Anyway I'm sure you will be fine you have come this far alright and that's an achievement is it not?

Thanks freeduck and all for your help. I will come back to vent if i need to..........

lyricist.....good to hear you have strategies to help you cope. All the best.

hey we do what we have to don't we? and i'm doing the best I can and I pretty sure you are too.

Jackie --

After reading your initial post (but not the rest of the thread yet), something about the way you're telling the story catches my attention: It sounds as if it's almost all about other people. How your mother acts, whether she might have a mental problem, how it affects her, how it affects your father, what your boyfriend thinks about it, and so forth. It seems obvious that you started this thread because you are exasperated, angry, concerned and all that -- but strangely enough, you rarely say that you are.

I respectfully submit that maybe you want to think a little bit less about other people and more about yourself. It is your life your mother is messing with here; it is your life that deserves protection now, and that you are uniquely qualified to protect. If you can't take her anymore, then don't. It's okay, really, you have a right to stand up for yourself. And protecting yourself is much, much more iimportant then whether your mother is mentally ill, whether your father can enjoy retirement, and even whether your boyfriend agrees with how you're feeling about it.

Take a stand against her, or avoid her, or do whatever works best for you. But whatever you do, the key words in the last sentence are "for you". It's important that you assert your own interests in this conflict, not just those of other people. Easy to say from a distance of several thousand miles, but I believe it's correct nevertheless.

pla·cate ( P ) Pronunciation Key (plkt, plkt)
tr.v. pla·cat·ed, pla·cat·ing, pla·cates
To allay the anger of, especially by making concessions; appease. See Synonyms at pacify.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Latin plcre, plct-, to calm. See plk-1 in Indo-European Roots.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
placater n.
pla·cation (pl-kshn) n.
placa·tory (-tôr, -tr) or placative (-ktv) adj.


Thomas:

Very insighful observations.

Having taken on the role as the "placater" due to perceived necessity, jackie has historically concentrated on pacifying her mother in order to smooth things over. Accordingly, jackie's own feelings have never mattered. Only her mother's feelings have mattered. So long as mom is placated, all is well in the family.

We shouldn't have to lose ourselves, view ourselves as unimportant, in order to appease everyone else in life.

I think jackie is finally realizing that her own feelings are important. It's an eye-opener when the dysfunctional mother's dramatics are put on display for others to see. It's one thing to have to put up with the drama when it's just the family, but when others get to witness what is going on--and what has been going on for years--it puts a new perspective on things. She doesn't want to keep doing this; her patience is exhausted.

We don't exist to be someone else's doormat. Whether it is our mother walking all over us--or someone else--our own feelings do matter--we're important too. We don't have to live our lives as placaters. YAH!

Jackie--

Mothers have a great deal of influence on the people that their children become.

Children do not have a great deal of influence on the people that their mothers become.

Loving and honoring your mother does not mean that you are required to commit emotional suicide. On the other hand, your father certainly deserves your sympathy and support.

You can't force your mother to see a shrink. You can refuse to take any more irrational abuse. You can sympathize with your father.

Some people automatically copy their parents' behavior. Some people deliberately reject their parents and refuse to be like them in any way (in any way that they will admit).

You can choose now not to be buffaloed and bulldozed by a very nasty woman. In the future you can choose to control your hormones and body chemicals instead of allowing them to control you.

If your mother were a druggie or an alcoholic, you would be able to set limits on what you would allow her addictions to do to you. Why should her role as Menopause Queen (with possible mental imbalance) allow her to mistreat you.

You are not the problem. Your mother is the problem.

Hold your dominion.

Excellent post, Noddy.

Hi Jackie,

In my experience with this, being an only child seems to affect how much weight carried by your refusal to deal with her until she changes. I'm an only child as well, and I think it's that much more stark when there aren't other children to turn to (even if the other children eventually turn away, too).

I do agree that doing this only to change her behavior is probably not the way to approach it. A change in behavior might be a nice side effect, but getting yourself out of a toxic situation is the more immediate, and controllable, aspect.

There will probably be false positives -- that is, she says she's changed, you agree to see her, things go well for a while, your hopes are sky-high, and then whammo, she's back to doing what she was doing before. That might not ever change.

In my situation, I was able to negotiate a pretty good relationship with both parents. I did start early though; this started with my mom (therapy, etc.) when I was still a teenager, and I had my version of the conversation I relate in my first post with my dad in my early 20's.

My relationship with my mom is now really pretty good, and my relationship with my dad still has its rough spots but overall has reached a good place.

Debra--

Thanks for the kind words.

I was thinking the same thing.

I did it too at 22...after years spent in appeasing her, so that normalcy can prevail at home.

I don't have advice - but I have a similar story. My mother was pretty mean to me - but she was far worse to my dad (and for many others).

I finally decided at 22 and I cut all ties with my mother. I only support her financially - that helped my dad move out and finally have some peace in life. I don't let her into my life at all - I know she will cause havoc in all my relationships if I let her into my life. My measures are rather extreme, you might think - to totally isolate myself (and my friends, husband etc) from her. That's the only way I see out.

I think you need to see her as less as possible. If I were you, I'd do that. Take care and I'm sorry you have to go through this.

You can choose now not to be buffaloed and bulldozed by a very nasty woman. In the future you can choose to control your hormones and body chemicals instead of allowing them to control you.

Very good advice. I like that. I wouldn't ever want to behave like my mum towards others and your words make me truly feel that she or anyone else could rationally control their behavior and realise what they're doing. I don't think she's been told in a way that gets through to her that she's wrong and so has never felt the need to.

If I do anything that I feel may have hurt someone I take a step back and try to see both sides. She may do this a little, but still argues you down. It's all the shouting etc that makes it worse. It all gets very tiring for everyone.

You're right Thomas. Throughout all of this and what's been happening over the past few months (as my eyes have opened) I've realised I have to make a good life for myself with BF. I'm beginning to realize how normal people behave and interact.

Debra-that's exactly it. We always used to hide what was happening and the arguments for years. Now it's all out by her I feel she's crossed the line. Her choice, her doing, not mine.