MIL

One other thing - you don't need to explain or prove anything to anyone. You can make lots of "I" statements, that are non-accuastory - and don't need explanation, such as:

I don't feel like going down this weekend.

I don't feel like being around other people this weekend.

I'd like to be alone this weekend.

I don't like the way your mother's treats me when you're not in the room and I'm not subjecting myself to that again.

I would love to go when your mother learns to respect me.

How can he argue with any of those? You don't feel like going? Don't go. He doesn't like it? Too bad. Too bad, or he actually has to deal with the problem.

Don't take on his mother yourself or make him choose - that's a no-win situation.

All of this may be a good thing.

I think, when one person stops participating in a controlling dysfunctional role, then it causes other people to change their ways too.

It doesn't come easily, but it will come, that basic respect that every adult deserves.

You've decided not to be disrespected anymore.

You can't really expect other people to accept it without a bit of a fight and a confrontation, but it may work out for you.

Don't back down, but you also really don't have to shout about it.

You have the basic rights here, so just hold to them.

I apologize for the capital letters. I used DH and then used the replace function in word to replace it and for some reason it used capital letters.

My apologies.

The key, I think, is learning how to say what you think without getting angry.

When you lose your temper, you lose control. You are allowing them to make you angry, which is allowing them to control you. Stop allowing it. When they push, don't push back. Just ignore them. I know it sounds hard, but here's how it works.

MIL: You're trying to keep me from seeing my son!

YOU: No, I'm not. He makes his own decisions.

MIL: (louder) But you don't want him to spend time with us!!

YOU: That's his decision. He's a grown man.

MIL: (even louder) BUT YOU'RE MAKING IT HARD FOR HIM!!!

YOU: (calmly) If you're going to get hysterical, there's no point in talking. Why don't you calm down and call him about this tonight when he gets home from work? I need to go now. 'Bye! <click>


See? You take the high road. YOU be the adult. Always refuse to participate in shouting matches. Walk out if necessary. (It's so much easier than asking them to leave!)

Worth repeating again.


Do you and your fiance have a wedding date? Marriage is hard enough without dealing with these side issues. There is no way I would recommend getting married until there is some resolution to this situation.

Of course, I will not marry now until everything is resolved.

Its hard on him now and I understand. He is in the middle. His family or me. He loves both sides but cant have both. But what can I do?

No matter what it had to be this way. Anytime he approached her to defend me they would do the same thing because that's the family rule, he can't defend an outside woman in his life against his parents.

I'm laughing at J_B for repeating herself , but she's absolutely right. This woman isn't likely to change. She's used to running things, and she'll fight to the death to maintain control. I wouldn't count on changing her.

Her sons have three choices.

1. Marry a girl that will let MIL run their lives. (Preferably happily, otherwise there will be endless agony.)
2. Marry a girl that won't let MIL run their lives and cut the apron strings. (Preferably move away.)
3. Remain unmarried and let mother run his life as she sees fit.

I think you can figure out from here where you can (or can't) fit in.

Well, at the risk of being a copycat, I'm going to repeat myself, too... Summarizing here...


It's really great that Fiance is sticking up for you, but his mother is NOT used to being thwarted. He's in a very tough spot - he's either going to find his balls and grow up or he'll cave and you'll be out of there.

I wish you all the best - sounds like a completely dysfunctional and unhappy family. (Are you sure you want to be a part of it??)

Whenlovehurts--

Would you say that you are more Americanized than your fiance's family is? Are they a family who fight with each other as a way of communicating with each other? Once upon a time I had an Irish mother-in-law who used to stage vicious verbal brawls to be the center of attention.

Of course, I've known American families who've been in the states for seven generations who stage nasty battles that would make your in-laws battles look like tea parties. So far no one has pulled a gun or a knife.

Right now, you are on record as refusing to go to your in-law's house. Stick with this.

Your fiance is stuck in the middle--both personally and as a member of a family business. He's also got the problem of honoring his father and mother even when their actions are not honorable.

Your life isn't easy right now--but you can avoid your inlaws. He can't unless he removes himself from the family business. Would leaving the family business cause financial complications for you and your fiance? For the in-laws?

Obviously you and your fiance have to decide what to do--and while you can have opinions, he's got the final vote. He has to live with himself.

His decisions may mean that you can't live with him, but working out the details of partnership is one of the purposes of an engagement.

If possible, I'd let the in-laws make the next move. If they call you, you have had some excellent advice on this thread as how to avoid conflict.

One of the lines that your fiance may find very useful is, "Dad. I appreciate the way you are loyal to Mom. I think this is one of the very fine, admirable aspects of your marriage. Your actions have taught me to be loyal to the woman I have chosen to be my wife. I know you will understand this."

Good luck.

I thought many things over and over again and I think that I made a petty wise decision.

I made a decision because of my fiance and I know that this hurts him as much. I rethought and decided that I am willing to apologize for the words I said to hurt them as long as they are willing to apologize to me as well. And of course if MIL is willing to agree to step out and let us live our life. To treat me with respect and I will treat her same way and put this all behind us.

I will tell that to fiancé and see what he thinks.

Perhaps this was the only way to clear these things up and prevent it from happening again.

Whenlovehurts--

I'll admit that this woman is highly exasperating. All the same, predicating your apology on an apology for her (as well as changed behavior) is doomed to failure.

You can honestly say that you are not happy that you lost your temper. Do that and try to move on with as little contact with your in-laws as you can manage.

Perhaps your fiance can modify their behavior--given the situation as it exists, you can't change them. You can't even change the rules of Inlaw Interaction all by yourself.

Trying to make life easier for your fiance is an excellent move--just don't make your apology conditional.

Good luck.

Oh well...

I tried thats all I could do. He thinks that his mom would be okay with it but his dad is stubborn and sticks to his word and therefore wont get over it.

I said I am willing to apologize but they should apologize for the hurtful things they've said as well.

And my fiance thinks that his dad will not get over it. Oh well is all I could say.

If that's the case then I cant do anything about it.

If he does get over it and well all try to get along again and decide to talk things through nicely, then great but if not I can't do anything about it.

At least my fiance knows that I tried as well and that he is the one that rejected it although they are the ones that should be apologizing if anyone.

But, I can make much wiser decisions than them althought hey are much older.

IMHO, FIL needs to remove his balls from the MIL's purse...But..thats another problem, not this one at hand.




Yep Honey, thats how it works...FIL isn't going to believe that the dearly beloved wife of his would ever stoop that low...everyone's a liar but the Saint that he married. (I promise, my MIL and yours could be TWINS)

Look...just stick to your guns. Stay away from there, let your fiance do what he wants...visiting or what not. If your fiance sticks with you on this decision....eventually everyone will cool off, think about the words that were exchanged and they will apologize.

Look at it this way: If MIL is prone to gossip and talk about each one of you behind your backs, what makes you think she'll keep her mouth shut to your fiance now? She want...she'll approach him on it. If he sticks to his guns, your MIL has no choice but to apologize, even if its to keep her son in the family.

I haven't said this enough lately, but I think Noddy is brilliant.

<applause>

Eva--

Thanks for the kind words. You're no slouch in the pithy comments department, either.

This reminds me of a Chinese folk tale:

There was once a young woman who married a boy and went to live with his family on a farm in China. Her mother-in-law was a monster, and treated the girl like dirt. The girl was so unhappy, and the boy was beside himself trying to keep his mother and wife from hating each other, to no avail.

One day the girl had enough of her mother-in-law's overbearing, horrible nature, and when to a local herbalist. She begged him for some poison herbs with which to kill her mother in law.

The herbalist said to her, "Here, I have very good herbs with which to kill your mother-in-law. Unfortunately, they are very slow-acting, and take several months to work. You will have to prepare a favorite dish for her every week, and put the herbs in, for 5 or 6 months, before they have any affect at all. But one day, like night and day, she will keel over and drop dead.

However, you must be very cagey. If people know you hate her, they will suspect you in her death. Therefore, you must be very careful to pretend to like her, and WANT to make a nice meal for her every week. No one must suspect you when she drops dead in 6 months!"

The young girl promised the herbalist that she would take his advice, and be very sly about pretending to like her mother-in-law, while giving her the poison each week.

As the months passed, the girl bit her tongue and pretended not to mind her mother-in-law's yelling and horrible mean streak. She still made her a favorite meal every week, and acted like she cared about her mother in law. After a few months, there was a change in the mother in law. She no longer seemed as mean. One day, when visitors were over, she even heard her mother in law COMPLIMENT her! She was SHOCKED!

As the 6 months neared, the young girl started thinking that maybe she should stop poisoning her mother in law. The mother in law didn't seem half as bad as before, and was starting to treat her with respect. And her husband was so proud of her for taking the first steps towards being nice to the old cow, that he worshipped the ground his wife walked on!!

So, one day, she ran back to the herbalist and said, "PLEASE help me find a way to reverse the poison! My mother in law is so much nicer now. I no longer wish her to die! What do I do?"

The herbalist smiled and said, "Fear not, dear. You never gave your mother in law any poison at all."




By the way, I do understand that you would have to be a SAINT to try this with a woman like that. It would be the hardest thing on earth, and I am not saying I could do it myself. But, you never know.....there may be benefits beyond your wildest dreams. Just a thought.

Freedomelf--

Very helpful bit of folk wisdom. I'll remember that story.

you are welcome!