MIL

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I am so exhausted and feel like I am going crazy from arguments last nigh. I feel as my head will explodeHere are the details:

We don't live with my in-laws, we moved out of their place a year ago. Which she hates me for! I though that by moving out will resolve most issues, but it seems like it isn't. She is a really controlling woman. She wants us down at her place EVERY weekend and if we don't she calls and puts pressure on us to come or to tell her exactly when we are coming. Now, every time I go down there, she disrespects me. She gives me orders to cook all the freaking time and I am sick of it. She does this when my fiancé isn't around only. When he is there she acts like an angel and when he isn't she is just a devil. Previously she made up lies about me and my fiancé confronted her for that and of course she was in denial. All 5 people that told us what she had said about me lied, but she is right.

After her gossip, we've made a decision to go down and visit her every other week. And to be fair I said that it will be the same with my parents, every other week. Well she keeps on calling and calling.

Last night, her younger son and daughter in law made a barbeque and invited a lot of friends and including us. Since my fiancé worked, we decided that we'll go when he gets home. At about 3:00 PM she calls me raising her voice at me saying "why aren't you down here, we are barbequing, when are you coming". And all I said is I don't know. And I could hear some ladies there laughing. I am not sure if they laughed at the fact the way she is talking to me or what. First of all, its not even her that should be calling, it should be the brother and the sister in law since they are throwing the barbeque. If they really needed help with preparing and stuff, there was a nicer way of saying it. So, I got really upset.

When my fiancé got home, I said that I wasn't going and I told him why. "if she thinks that she can boss me around and tell me that I HAVE to be there, then I will prove it to her that I don't. Well, my fiancé doesn't want to go without me and wants me to go. He wants to go because of his brother and I understand that, but I just can not go. She is not my boss and I will not let her boss me.

And so now he is upset with me because I didn't go. He doesn't understand why I don't want to go. And he feels that because of me and her, he didn't go to his brother's barbeque.

What do you guys think? Do you think I should've gone or did I do the right thing?

Your opinions and feedback are well appreciated.

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Aww, as bad as you would have hated it, you should have went.

By you not going, you've enabled your MIL's behavior to heighten any frustrations with her, which started a fight between you and your husband.

Which is what she wants...to start with.

Therefore...you still look like the ass she's probably trying to make you into, and pity her poor son for having to put up with you...

Sound familiar?

I figure your MIL and mine could have passed for Twins..trust me, been there, done that.

Its a hard situation to encounter. You love her son, but no matter what you do, its never good enough, or not done the way she would do it.

You have a few options...even though you didn't ask...lol

Its your husbands place to stand up for you, to realize what she is doing behind his back, and to put a stop to it. Sure it pisses them off when their son runs to the defense of another woman..especially a DIL, but its life. HE married you, not her...its time that MIL cut the apron strings.

Or, the three of you sit down and talk like adults..tell her nicely how her behavior makes you feel, and he needs to explain to her that he's behind you 100%. That it needs to stop.

But of course, if the husband doesn't see the behavior, then your own your own...if he's like my husband...he didn't see it for years. It started MANY fights. But eventually, he caught on..and put a stop to it. Yea..lol, she was pissed, didn't talk to me for weeks. BUt you know what..she left me alone. IF thats the case, you talk to her.......

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makemeshiver33,

Thank you so much for your help...

We talked to her once about her gossiping and she denied everything she said.

And we will talk to her again. But of course, she will deny again and then I look like a fool. This time though, I will stand up there and tell her that she cant deny it because she told it to me in my face and I will deffend myself and not let her tears make everyone thing that she is saying the truth.

We'll talk to her again.

Thanks so much for your feedback!

A

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What will you be doing when you are not attending events where you are sure to be criticized?

I suggest taking classes.

It's a wonderful excuse you can use 24/7 to get out of any activity you do not want to participate in.

You always have a chapter to read, an assignment to do, a test to study for, or a paper to write--whether you do or not!

I'll never forget an extremely boring conversation after dinner with a boyfriend's sister I got out of by saying ...

"I'd LOVE to stay and visit, but I have to study my Mayan hierglyphics."

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Dupre,

I could do that and believe me I am a pretty busy person myself (I run an online business), but the issues it that my fiance gets upset if I don't spend time with his family and when I do all I get is get hurt. Of course, if any of the mean things are said while he is there, he would stand up for me, but since she uses the time when he isnt around (bathroom, backyard, etc), he seems to have a hart time belive that she is such a person.

like I said, she plays an angel when he is around and when he isnt she is a TOTALLY different person.

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She is obviously an extremely controlling woman. I see that you are not yet married to your fiance. You need to let him know, in no uncertain terms, that you are not going to allow his mother to bully you. If you don't, it will only get worse after you are married. And if you have kids, fuggadaboudit...................she will be "leading the band", until she closes her eyes, permanently.

I think that you need to have a serious talk with your fiance, and tell him that you need him to stand up to his mother, when she is bullying you. The two of you need to present as a united front against her, or it will not work. If he won't stand up to his mother, maybe you have some serious thinking to do.

Another thing. I have very strong feelings about the idea of certain times, that are written in "stone", to visit the parents or in-laws. There may be a time when you have other things to do, or just don't want to see them. I think that it is important that a pattern is not set. Once set, it can be very hard to break.

In my life, I have seen more problems than are necessary because of in-laws. You and your fiance are two grown up people. It is important that you break the cord from both sets of parents. I am not saying not to see them. See them as much as you like, but don't turn your visits into an enforced obligation.

My son used to call these obilgatory visits as "the three fs.......forced family fun!"

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How do you know she is gossiping about you?

People are telling you?

Just tell them in response,

"I never listen to gossip. If she has issues with me she can address me personally."

And drop it.

If you treat her gossip and comments as if they are NOTHING, nothing at all, merely the whinning of an insignificant, miserable, unhappy, discontented insect you gently shew away, they will lose their power.

They only have power because YOU attach power to them.

You could smile, hold your head up, be completely composed and poised and calm, and say to the person who "shares" with you her awful comments,

"How unfortunate. Oh dear. Tsk, tsk. ... Would you like more soda?" or

"Thank you for sharing. Tsk. Tsk ... What are yous plans for the upcoming holiday?"

Change the subject. Act as if they had told you the most insignifcant thing in the world, like maybe, the morning paper hadn't been delivered.

"Oh, too bad. ... " And then immediately change the subject.

The ONLY way to WIN is NOT to PLAY.

And attend as infrequently as possible.

If boyfriend refuses to attend family functions without you, that's his issue.

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Yes, she goes around and spreads lies. I don't care if she says the truth, but I hate lies.

If one person came and said it, I wouldn't belive it, but five different people and she has the gutts to deny and say everyone (all five people) are lying.

If we don't go down to visits she calls and calls and calls.

Last night when we didn't go, she called once, and because her phone shows private I picked up. Luckly, the answering machine when on and I saw that it was her and hanged up. Then she called back and we didn't want to pick up. Then she called my fiance on his cell phone and we didn't pick up again. Its like "leave us alone for once"!

She just never stops.

For instance, when we did our taxes this year. She calls me and asking how much return did you guys get. And I said well we didn't have to give any money back so we did good. And she insists and asks 4 more times, I had no other way but to tell her, because I didnt want to be rude and say hey non of your business.

She is just soooo stubborn.

or

When my mom when for her US Citizenship she wants to know an exact date but its none of her business. I keep on ignoring her and changin the subject and she insist that I tell her the date and how it went did she pass and all of that.

So, nousy which drives me insane.

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Quote:

For instance, when we did our taxes this year. She calls me and asking how much return did you guys get. And I said well we didn't have to give any money back so we did good. And she insists and asks 4 more times, I had no other way but to tell her, because I didnt want to be rude and say hey non of your business.

whenlovehurts - She is the one who is being exceedingly rude, and inappropriate to boot. Your finances are none of her business. I think that when she asks you an inappropriate question, you need to answer something like, " Now why in the world would you ask me something like that?" That should throw her, at least for the moment.

You need to expect that she is going to butt in, and maybe you need to reherse some sharp comebacks.

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Your mother-in-law wants to control her son--and you since you are connected to her son.

You don't want to be controlled.

Your fiance is in the middle.

The barbecue is over and done with--but the conflict with your m-i-l will go on and on and on.

You can't change your m-i-l's behavior--but you can refuse to cooperate. Thanks to modern technology you don't have to talk to her on the telephone if you don't want to.

You can't change your fiance's behavior--unless he wants to change. He's not responsible for his mother's behavior, but he will have to choose between supporting her and supporting you.

Right now he probably wishes that the two of you would just learn to get along--and leave him out of it.

You can cooperate with the "leave him out of it" part. You are entitled to make the decisions about how often and under what circumstances you will see his mother. Presumably you love him enough to see her occasionally--say once a month.

He is also entitled to make decisions about how often and under what circumstances he will see his mother. You can decide to go with him or not, but you can't stop him from visiting his family.

Remember, if you marry this guy, the m-i-l will be sitting in the front pew for the rest of her life.

Good luck.

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I agree with Noddy, it's none of her business.

You could say, "Thank you for your concern, but it's a private matter."

Somewhere I heard that the first steps in assertive training have to do with coming up with a very short phrase you can repeat verbatim till you get the response you want.

So, you say,

"Thank you for your concern, but it's a private matter."

Then she responds by asking, demanding, repeating her request.

Then you say, "It's private."

She retorts .. blah, blah, ...

You respond, "It's private."

She responds, whines, throws something, appeals to others.

You respond, "It's private."

And so forth.

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Noddy24 wrote:

Your mother-in-law wants to control her son--and you since you are connected to her son.

You don't want to be controlled.

Your fiance is in the middle.

<snip>

... but he will have to choose between supporting her and supporting you.

<snip>

...Remember, if you marry this guy, the m-i-l will be sitting in the front pew for the rest of her life.

Good luck.

Yep, it sounds like the day will come when you confront your fiance and he ends up choosing between you and his mother. Depending on how well she has tied the apron strings, he could very well choose her. When you get married you not only marry your husband but you also marry into his family. I would think long and hard before marrying into a family that expects constant attention and doesn't respect the privacy and needs of their children.

How well does MIL get along with her daughter and son-in-law?

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J_B,

My sister and brother in law live in part of their house. They have their own living room, bathroom and bedroom, but they share the kitchen. She is trying to control them as well and they are not cooperating. When they go places sh always wants to know where they are going but they refuse to tell. The SIL doesn't cook with while she is in the house and they almost do not talk. Many times she calls me with problems going insane.

Last time, MIL's sister visited here from another state. When the sister in law woke up the two of them (MIL and her sister) were gone to the flee market and she had told the FIL to let he know to cook a SPECIFIC pie so that the two of them have food when they get home. SIL was so angry and prepare the tough to cook it and then got even more mad and threw it away. At that point she realized that there was no more flour and that she took the last pieces of it. Then she calls me and asks me if I could help and bring some of my flour so that MIL doesn't realize that she threw it away. So, I sit in the car quickly and take it down. When MIL came home and saw that she didn't cook for her and the sister, she immediatly came running to her door and hit the door as much as possible. SIL opened the door and she said "DIDN't FIL tell you too prepare that dish?", SIL said "Yes", "WHY DIDN"T YOU DO IT THEN", she said I didnt have time. She was sooooo mad that she didn't speak with me or her the entire day.

SIL and I get along very, very well. We are best friends. She comes to me many times with problems and I calm her down. She also goes to her husband and he tells her not to take her orders, but because now they cant afford to move out, they have to cope with all this stuff. The only reason I go down there as often as I do (which is maybe every other week) is to see my sister in law, but many times I have to put up with my MIL's BS, which makes me not even want to go.

So, they don't get along with her neither.

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Well, it seems like your MIL is indeed quite rude to you. I doubt you can ever resolve such issues. It seems like you are upset, your fiancé is becoming frustrated, and your mother in law tries to control you even more all the time.
So, an option might be, since you are busy with an online shop, to another place further away. It would probably mean making new friends etc., but it effectively takes you outside of her 'sphere of control'.
If she wants you to visit them, you can always claim(truly) that the distance is too great.
Or you may suggest to your fiancé to spend more time with your own parents? She could hardly blame you for spending time with your own parents, considering she is trying to do the same.

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Whenver we mention visiting my parents she gets that hell face on her. She is so selfish all she cares is that we are down there which I wouldn't mind if she is nice to me. but her rudeness just makes me keep distance and not want to go down there.

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Can I ask both of your ages?

Quote:

She is obviously an extremely controlling woman. I see that you are not yet married to your fiance. You need to let him know, in no uncertain terms, that you are not going to allow his mother to bully you. If you don't, it will only get worse after you are married. And if you have kids, fuggadaboudit...................she will be "leading the band", until she closes her eyes, permanently.

Uhhumm, Phoenix is right, it usually doesn't stop till their eyes are shut. Even though I say mine stopped...it just wasn't as obvious as before...she just got a lil more picky as to who she gossiped too.

And let me tell ya, when your dealing with a women that had a prescription of Nitro Glycerin tablets within reach, she was the equivilent of a Fred Sanford ....if she was not tolerated. I was sooo tired of being the one blamed for the near death episodes. (I'm exaggerating)

But like most have said, your either going to have to face her, put a stop to it...or like another mentioned, find an excuse...visit when you feel like visiting...and make the SIL come to your home to visit, instead of visiting in the home.

But I hate to tell you this, it probably won't work, no matter what you do...she's not going to be happy unless she's ruling the roost.

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J_B wrote:

I would think long and hard before marrying into a family that expects constant attention and doesn't respect the privacy and needs of their children.

That was worth repeating.

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There is no way to resolve this easily, I think. Perhaps you can tape one of these memorable phonecalls with your MIL and repeat it for your fiancé so he can hear for himself how she treats you. Then you can perhaps reach an unanimous conclusion to spend less time there for your mutual peace of mind.
This may backfire though. I doubt your fiancé would appreciate being forced to choose sides, which is effectively what you try to achieve. He might not choose to your liking. So I'd only try the above if other more diplomatic means have failed.

Naj.

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My paternal grandmother was a very aggressive, controlling woman. I adored her, and got along beautifully with her, because I refused to take her crap. I think that she respected me for that.

My mother (her daughter-in-law) on the other hand, was kind of wimpy, and knuckled under to her. She always was complaining to me about my grandmother. For years they lived together, in a two family house, and as a kid, I remember always going to "nana" on a certain day, for her humongous meals. My mother would bitch and moan afterwards about how horribly her mother in law treated her. My mother always cried about how her MIL "ruined" her life.

My aunt, (my grandmother's daughter) played it smart. When she got married, she moved far enough away, that she could have her own life, and not be under her mother's thumb. Her visits were much more infrequent than my parent's visits.

I think that there is a lesson here!

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As others have said, she is a very controlling woman. Wow, is she ever.

First of all I would NOT put up with anyone speaking to me in that manner. Ever. So, that HAS to stop.

Second, you are not her chattel... you are right, she should not be bossing you around. You are an adult, not a child and you can visit whomever you like whenever you like. If you don't want to visit, don't.

If your fiance wants you to go, he's going to have to ensure you are treated properly, and that includes the phone calls from his B!tch of a mother. There is no way my husband would allow anyone of his family or friends to speak to me like that.

The fact that he wanted to go to his brother's bbq but only if you went is his problem. His choice is about him. Your choice is about you. It's difficult, esp when you are young, to separate the different issues in a problem, but you really need to do that. Your fiance saying he's not going unless you go is really no different than what his mother does. It's another form of control. Sorry, buddy, but I am only responsible for MY happiness, not yours. Sounds like they're all kinda co-dependent.

You seem sensible and you seem to have a grip on the crux of the problem. When something feels wrong, it usually IS wrong, and why should you be subjected to this kind of treatment?

Your bf has to realize that only he is answerable to his mother, not you. You need to be able to make decisions for you. Does he also tell you what you can and cannot wear? I hope not!

I really don't agree with people controlling others - sometimes it's hard to spot because it's so subtle, but you seem to have a good grip on this one. Follow your instincts - they seem right on.

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MIL

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