I have a question for you...

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My daughter is married to a really lovely guy. They are a great couple... they get along, respect each other, love each other dearly. THey also communicate really well, ie. they actually talk to each other about any issues which crop up. Yesterday she text-messaged me that they had had a huge fight and she was sitting on a park bench crying. Here's what happened.

Two weeks ago, she started to arrange a camping trip for her and hubby, and his sister and her bf, and two of his brothers for this weekend. Both brothers knew they had to find a tent (they're obviously not campers!). Well, they didn't, so my SIL tells my daughter, D, that even though the brothers offered to sleep in the car, one could sleep in their tent and the other could sleep in sister's tent with her and her BF. Well, my daughter said Absolutely Not, and so did the sister Smile

Hello?

My SIL got really mad and threatened to cancel the whole thing. This is completely out of whack for him - he's so easy-going, amiable, affable, etc... but he and his family are so close - they love to hang out together, etc, and will do anything for one another. It's just wonderful to see that. Because my daughter and her husband have a home and steady jobs, the kids are often at their house, and guess who feeds whom? Smile

They are around all the time and I think my daughter feels a little cramped. I love these kids, too, but back to the issue - with respect to sharing my tent with one of them, no thanks. Anyway, SIL was livid or furious or irate - anyway, completely po'd, and my daughter was very upset, too. I should also mention that they recently had two family tragedies which undoubtedly is affecting their emotions more than usual.

Anyway, question: do you think she was out of line in not wanting to share her tent with a BIL?

I hope this makes sense and that you got enough of the background to give your opinion.

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Huh.

Taken in a vaccuum, yeah, I think it's silly. I'm in the midst of making travel arrangements to share a cabin with my MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL (an "IL" full house Laughing

), niece, and my hubby and daughter. Total non-issue that we'll be in the same cabin.

If this was some long-awaited getaway, to finally have some time that's just the two of them, and that they'd been having problems with their sex life or something and this was a big chance, and your son in law knew that and is being unreasonable about it, that's something else.

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A tent is much different from a cabin.

I don't think your daughter was out of line.

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It's a tiny cabin, no amenities.

I've slept in tents with any number of people.

Is space an issue? Will it be ridiculously cramped with 3 people as opposed to 2?

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All right, well, other people might not be so comfortable sharing their space like that. While you might be, soz, Mame's daughter might not be. And her husband shouldn't be holding her personal preferences against her. He especially shouldn't be getting as mad as he seems to be over it.

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I completely agree that it seems like the reaction is outsized, and that there probably is more to it... what that more to it is could nudge me one way or another. That's why I specified "in a vaccuum," in giving my initial response.

Ultimately, of course, what we think means not a whit, and it's up to Mame's daughter and her husband to work it out.

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(For the record, though, I haven't voted in the poll, because if this isn't an issue of personal preference or if space isn't a concern, then maybe the daughter could give a little on this issue, I'll admit.)

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Nothing's in a vacuum! Wink

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Thank you, I guess I didn't give enough background... he is all "family family family" and she didn't grow up in a crowd, and I think she's feeling crowded. She doesn't want to share her tent with any of her BILs... They are forever at her house, playing video games, watching hockey and drinking beer... she just wants some space.

This has been a bit of an issue because the kids hang around together all the time and sometimes she would just like to be with her husband, alone. He loves them and wants them there anytime... he understands her INTELLECTUALLY only, and he's such a good guy that he goes with her 99% of the time. Really, he's a doll.

In this case, however, I do think he he over-reacted, and also, I think she has the right to not share a small tent with another male. No privacy there.

I thank you for your opinions...I personally am more like her husband than my daughter (7 girls in my family), so I get where he's coming from, but I raised her with only one sib so I get where she's coming from, too. I just needed an objective opinion.

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I figured out the "kids" thing a bit belatedly, I thought you were talking about like, nieces and nephews, not the brothers-in-law... Laughing

It still seems to me like the time for her to object was when plans were made for the BIL's to come along in the first place. I can see how if that's already an issue for her, being in the same tent would add insult to injury.

Were the tragedies you refer to in his family?

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I'd say it was a bit harsh of her and her SIL to say, "no way" ... I mean, sure, the brothers shoulda taken their own tent, but they didnt, and then what? Seems a bit inhospitable to just say, no way.

But - different folks, different strokes, we all have our issues. (I would have said OK, but at the same time would have felt self-conscious about my snoring..).

Also, to get that mad about it equally seems an overreaction. Then again, perhaps if she hadnt said "Absolutely Not", but rather, "well, I dont mean to sound inhospitable, but the thing is, I have a problem with it because..", he wouldnt have reacted so harshly either?

But what do we know? The convo could have gone any kind of ways, we only know snippets.. Also, it definitely sounds logical that if there's been a lot of tragedy recently, that any old thing could have produced such a clash ... that just happens, when stress runs high.

If they normally get along so well I'm sure they'll talk it out again!

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Your daughter should not have to sleep with another man in a tent.

period.

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sozobe wrote:

I figured out the "kids" thing a bit belatedly, I thought you were talking about like, nieces and nephews, not the brothers-in-law...

It still seems to me like the time for her to object was when plans were made for the BIL's to come along in the first place. I can see how if that's already an issue for her, being in the same tent would add insult to injury.

Were the tragedies you refer to in his family?

She doesn't mind them coming, she just wanted them to have their own tent. And I should add here that one is 33 yrs old and the other one is 23... not exactly babies.

His mother died late November last year - so his family, but it affected all of us because we loved her so and we're still all grieving... and the other tragedy involved them both again and had an even worse impact on them. They are both emotionally tender right now. I think that's what prompted his over-reaction.

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I'm guessing that these "kids" are used to being taken care of.

No tent--in spite of long warning?

"Well, don't worry. We can share tents. You don't have to plan ahead--we're family. We'll help you out."

Isn't there something in marriage vows about forsaking all others, including feckless family?

Just what are these two boy-men contributing to the weekend except for themselves and their needs?

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Isn't "no supposed to mean no"? Rolling Eyes

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Why can't the 'boys' go out and buy a tent tomorrow?

[shaking head]

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Oh Mame, they all have had a lot on their plate to swallow,
and as you said already, emotions are frail right now.
Nonetheless, your SIL should be more considerate towards
your daughter, especially now, and I almost would suggest
that the two of them get away alone.

It's easy to seek distraction within the family, but your daughter
and your SIL need some time alone to get their thoughts
together and start healing.

I know you'll be there for her, but her husband needs to as well.
Good luck to you and them.

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I'm with sil on this. They can sleep in the car, buy a tent, or freeze in the dark. All else aside, nobody has a right to make these kinds of assumptions.

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Thank you, guys...

nimh: you say you think it's 'inhospitable' for her to say no, but the thing is, is this going to happen every time?

Noddy is right - these guys have been 'looked after' a little too well or too long - they were warned about the tent... and to their credit, they offered to sleep in the car (may even be warmer than a tent?)...

Chai - yes, NO is NO Smile

I think we're on the same page...

ehBeth - that's good - someone else asked why they didn't just buy one - lol - I have no idea, but they had time, so yes, good answer (or question or whatever it was)...

CJ - honey, THANK you... you are so sweet. You're right - it's a tough time for all of us and we should all get away alone for a weekend. BTW, I saw pics of your beautiful daughter somewhere here - she's so lovely, CJ... lucky lucky you.

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I'm with Chai. If it were me, there's no way I would share my tent with another man. That's just WAY too close for comfort.

If I were your daughter, I'd sleep in the car myself and let the guys have the tent!

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