ending relationships

re
well i have not heard from him ): I felt somewhat strong yesterday during the day. But i walked into my apt at 8:30 last night, and it hit me that he hadnt called...so i called him multiple times. I left him 2 voicemails. i basically said, that i was so upset and hurt, couldnt understand why he wouldnt speak to me and that if things were over please let me know so i could just get some immediate closure. He ended up turning his phone off

I'm just devastated. I just feel like this weekend was a train wreck. I guess my expectations were too high...but who could blame me when for the past months all i'd been hearing was how much he couldnt wait to see me, that he was going to lay with me for hours as soon as he could. I mean just that day he had been saying that he thought we were meant to be together...maybe he's just all talk. I do feel kind of guilty for yelling too...I am feeling like this is all my fault for losing my temper. But if i had just said, oh ok honey, that's fine, you just stay out and get drunk and call me when you feel like it, it's only been 3 months since we've seen each other. I mean what kind of doormat would i have been? i wish that i hadnt lost it, then maybe taken some time to reconsider things. But now i dont have that opportunity, because he's not giving me the time of day ):

There is your answer: He has no interest. It is hurtful and difficult to
grasp, but do yourself a favor and remove yourself from this person.
Check it off as a learning experience and move on. He certainly is
not worth your concern for him. You deserve better.

You have not done anything wrong at all, except being too nice to a
scum like that.

re
the thing that is so frustrating is that YES i do think for the most part (aside from the nagging) I treated him SO WELL. That is what makes me SO angry in terms of him not calling me to let me know what's up! Just this weekend I paid $70 for him to take a cab places and i paid for breakfast when we went out. What do i get? NOTHING!!!! I do regret thigns i said saturday, he had asked me not to argue with him about his going out, told me that yes he was going to have to go out with other people, and that was that. he didnt HAVE to go out with them ASAP, he CHOSE to. He didnt care that i wanted to see him...he didnt what he wanted to do...yet he is making me feel GUILTY about nagging him, crying and getting upset when he wouldnt see me. So wHy do i still wish i hadnt nagged, cried and gotten upset...well because he's not talking to me at all now...that's why. I never win...i never do...

Has Syn seen this?

You will win, trust me, but not as long as you surround yourself with
losers. Stop agonizing over this guy, he is so not worth it. Just think,
he's got enough money to get drunk, but let's you pick up the tab
for breakfast and his taxi. Count your blessings that you're rid of this
freeloading loser. Go get yourself a winner!

Playon--



What would you reconsider? He's using your body and your pocketbook. He's making drunken calls in the middle of the night?

You were worried about a Long Distance Romance--this guy definitely sounds more loving and caring when he's long distance than when he's in town and making all the rules to suit himself.

Right now your heart and your pride are both aching--but you will recover.



Love and romance aren't about "winning". True love is a relationship between equals--not a ruff, tuff soldier boy and his doormat.

You'll have trouble believing this now, but you're better off without him.

I'm late to this, but let me see if I have this basically right: You were together for about three months before he shipped off to (where?) due to the fact that he's in the military. He comes back after 3 months of being away from home and wants to see his family and friends as well as his casual girlfriend of 3 to 6 months (depending on how you count it).

That doesn't seem terribly unreasonable to me.

Noddy nailed it on the first page that he wants a casual relationship, and you don't -- the behavior you describe in your long post falls exactly in that category. You are not his wife, you are not his fiancee, you are a casual girlfriend -- why would he spend all of his time with you when he's back home for the first time in three months, and will be going overseas soon?

If you don't want to be a casual girlfriend and you don't want to wait and see if you can become more, by all means, break up with him.

re
well i guess i didnt realize that men tell their 'casual' girlfriends that they love them and want to be with them with them forever. Fool me once, shame on him, fool me once shame on me

I am looking at my own behavior...i still feel that i nagged and pushed him away...but i do feel that if he loved me the way he said he did...he wouldnt be ignoring me now. I just need to find someone who can give me what i want...and i guess i cant get mad at those who arent willing to give me what i want. It makes it difficult when people do tell you that they'll do certain things...then dont do them.

You aren't the first woman to get sucked in by sweet talk--and you won't be the last.

A three month investment earned you a good piece of wisdom.

I know it hurts, but you are lucky you found this out now.

How does that saying go? "When a man shows you what he is, believe him"

His behavior and actions are what to pay attention to. Talk is cheap, as they say.

December 8, 2005, last post by diana78.

December 13, 2005, first post by playon.

Ah, the puzzle falls into place. Thanks syn

I missed playon's December tryst. That would have been right in the middle of the current love affair, wouldn't it? Shortly before Mr "we love each other" joined the military. At least she isn't the one who's been drinking too much this time.

re
well he still has not contacted me...

Sometimes it's difficult for other people to respect you if you don't respect yourself.

re
so by loving him, wanting to see him, and being told the same thing by him for months means i disrespected myself? i guess i really didnt see his bad behavior until this past weekend...him not speaking to me has made me realize that this is not what i want...but i still would like to speak to him...

Playon--

What you mean is that you'd like to tell him off, slap him silly and grind his face in the dirt while wearing your spike heels.

You are probably not going to get the chance to do any of this.

re
well many of you have responded to me with my situation for those of you who know it. My 'guy' and i had not spoken for about a week due to me losing my temper and yelling when he basically blew me off 3 nights in a row to hang out with family and get drunk when he and i hadnt seen each other in 3 months (he's in the military).

So on sunday i was feeling really upset. I ended up calling him...i hadnt contacted him since last monday. He didnt answer, i just felt like, forget it. Then he called back...but i missed the call. So then i called him back. He sounded like nothing had really even been wrong. He said that he had been tired of me yelling at him, he had just gotten home, had seen me on 2 different occasions, wanted to spend time with his family. I had apologized for yelling, i was wrong for that, but felt he was also wrong for the way he went about doign things. He said he doesnt think he was wrong. He was like, i love you, i'll always love you, then asked if i was still going to that wedding with him (next week) i said, no. I told him i dindt think we were ever goign to speak again and made other plans (which is true) he was like, fine whatever. He continued to say how things didnt seem to go well when he was away for those 3 months, now in 2 weeks he'll be going overseas for a year, even farther away. He said he does not want to break up completely, wants to stay in contact, but that i seemed so unhappy and he doesnt want me to be unhappy.

He ended up coming over, spent the night, then we spent all day together yesterday...things seemed normal. But then he said that we probably should not spend everyday together for the 2 weeks that he is home. He said that will just make it harder when it's time for him to leave and that he does have family and friends that he needs to see. He seems to have this new found closeness with his family since he's been home...when he and i were together before he left he wasnt spending nearly as much time with them as he seems to be now. I'm not saying it's bad that he's spending lots of time with them now...but i guess i felt like he was using them as an excuse to not hang out with me...He said i should be supportive of him spending time with them. He showed me a scrapbook he had made while he was away...there was a big picture of he and i in it which i thought was cute...he just seems to be detaching himself from me. I guess that is for the best. HE said he watched that movie the notebook on sat night and that it reminded him of me...i really do feel so helpless in this situation. I know i shoud be mad at him for what happened last week. He said he was suprised i didnt call again all week, i asked why would i??? I asked if he was ever going to call me again, he said he would have, but he also was wondering if he should just end things now before he left.

I dropped him off last night at his work at 5pm...he told me he'd call me that night, but he didnt. So at 9:30 i called him...he said he was with his family sitting aroudn the table and could he call me back. I just said that i was going to bed, he said he'd call me tomorrow

I feel better knowing that he doesnt hate me...but this is just a hard situation...i do wish he wasnt leaving...but he is.

... and in the meantime, you're nice to have around.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think that may be what's happening here. He gets to go off, do the soldier bit, and all along, for him, you will wait. At least, that's the plan in his eyes. Will you? Or is it too painful?

If you want to continue this relationship, then yes, he has the right to see his family and to see them without you, but if he is asking for that much of a commitment from you, and if there is time before he leaves, and if he knows how much it upsets you to be out of the loop, well, I just think it would be more sensitive of him to include you in things. It doesn't have to be everything but from my chair it looks like (a) he wants you available and faithful and all for when he comes back, (b) he wants to detach himself from you while he's still around so that he won't miss you too much and (c) he wants to be able to do what he likes and call the shots in the relationship. Not just here and now, but there and later.

Do you want that?

Couples can and do survive if a person goes off for a long period of time or even to combat, but the only way that the couple survives as a couple is if there is a true and deep love commitment, and from what you've written, it just doesn't seem like there is one here. I'm sorry.

re
well he did tell me that perhaps i should see other people while he is gone. Then he said maybe we should be on a dont ask, dont tell type basis when it comes to seeing other and that if we fall in love with others...we should tell each other...i dont know how i feel about that. Then he said yesterday that he doesnt know what will happen and we should just wait and see...it seems like he doesnt want to lose me completely and i feel the same way. I dont want to lose him and have him out of my life...