ending relationships

The thing about separations is that all of the emotions of a relationship go on even though the 2 of you are not together. And sometimes - often, I suppose - the 2 parties can end up not on the same page. I used to have a job where I was away from home a lot, as in 200 days out of the year. And it wears on you. My husband would be in one place emotionally, and I'd be in another. I'd be happy to see him and he'd be annoyed that I wasn't around to help out around the house, or he'd be happy that I was home, and I was fretting about my next trip or whatever. What solved the problem was, I have to say, my job being changed so that I didn't have to travel as much.

But that's not going to be an option here.

It sounds to me like you are unsure of your feelings towards this man. After all, if you loved each other - and you really and truly felt that way, then the separations would either be unbearable enough that you'd just move to be with him or would be okay as you'd be able to wait and be faithful and just wait for him to return. I get the feeling that things are more complicated than that.

I get the feeling that things are not going to last. This is just a gut feeling and of course I do not know either of you, but what you have here is a situation where you are not going to be around one another and it doesn't seem like there is enough of a depth of feeling to sustain things. Being that far apart, and presumably for a long time (How long? Is he stationed overseas for only a few months, or is it for years? Is he going into a combat situation?), these things are not going to make your relationship better. I know that some relationships can strengthen but I believe they need a foundation first, and I think you are also seeing that you may be missing that foundation right now.

If he is leaving and not going into a combat situation, then I think the best thing, if you do not want the relationship to continue, is to break up and cut everyone's losses now. It is possible and not unheard of. Just tell him that you don't think that things will work out with the 2 of you being separated and don't let him talk you into trying. That's the kindest way, just be done with it. That way, when he's in Rammstein or wherever he's going, he can be free to pursue other women once he's up to it.

If he is going into a combat situation, then it is far trickier. I am not sure I'm qualified to give advice if that's the case. I think honesty is a good policy in relationships but surely there has to be some compassion for one who will be risking his life. Perhaps one of our veteran members (I mean actual military veteran) can comment here.

i feel very torn. Like i said i'm seeing him friday. I really want to see him. I havent been with a man since february...obviously it is not just sexual, but that is a reason that i want to see him. I know he feels the same. I just see this being so difficult. YES we have the greatest time when we are together...that's obviously why we are still together now. But we will be apart more than we will be together...and for much of the time we are apart...i am upset. I wonder if i will be unhappy if i broke up with him too...right now i feel that i would be. he really is sweet. He is always so positive about everything...he thinks i start arguments...when really i am just addressing problems.

A minute with my husband is better than forever with out him. If I knew I could only have 1 minute to be with him and then he'd be gone forever, I'd take it. I'd take it over never being with him at all because he's worth it.

I'd take what I can get and be happy you get to experience happiness at all in your life.

re
i feel like i am pushing him away with all the arguments we've been having lately...I just spoke with him, he didnt sound happy. I told him that i'd need to talk to him about some things when we see each other, he said, yeah that sounds good. I asked why, he said he's tired of arguing. I asked if he wanted to break up, first he said, i dont know, then he said, no why do you? I said, no. He just said, well ok then we wont. My work schedule is complicated this week because we have a big conference going on so i cant pick him up from the airport on thursday evening. I told him this a while ago so we had planned to see each other friday. I also have to work on friday though, but i'll get out early, probably around 2 or 3. So he just told me now that he's golfing with his brother on friday. I of course felt upset. He said, well you said you had to work. I said, yeah i know, but who knows when youll get done golfing. He doesnt know either, but just said it wont be late. Whatever...i feel frustrated. Its like, WHY did he make plans on the day that he knew he'd be seeing me. I know he said he'll see me after golfing, but had it been me, i'd have kept the WHOLE day open for him just because i knew it would be the first time we'd see each other in over 2 months! URGH. I just dont know about this...i feel so doubtful, just because i dont think he's capable of meeting my emotional needs...he isnt.

Playon--

From your posts I gather that this part-time, long-distance romance is very stressful for you.

re
it is...i have done an LDR before though and it wasnt this bad...i think its because the last guy really paid attention to me...a lot of it...we'd text back and forth all day, do e-mail all day, and talk for a long time at night...this guy doesnt do this.

Playon--

So you're not the sort of person who can be happy with a detached LDR?

From your description it sounds as though you are unhappy with the degree of geographical and emotional separation and he's not.

re
what is a detached ldr?

he is just very positive...too positive. keeps saying things will be fine...but i think i've been getting to him lately...it stinks since i'll see him in about 3 days...i dont want to be on negative terms...our deal is that we wont be with anyone else, but sometimes i question if he'll be faithful

Living
Together
Arrangement

Long
Distance
Relationship


You aren't satisfied with a part time romance. He is.

re
well i dont think it's a matter of him being satisfied with the ldr. he's in the military so it's that or break up. We have to be ok with the ldr...he just doenst seem to need the contact that i need...i wish i didnt need it...

even if he were here, we would not be living together...we've only known each other since october

This isn't a serious relationship and you are obviously unhappy.

Here's what I'd do personally: Live it up and enjoy him 100% while he is with you in 3 days. Keep it super-positive. Then break-up with him.

Ok, some will disagree, and that's ok. My thinking is tho: he's already on his way and looking forward to spending time with you. He'll certainly be missing the company of a nice woman such as yourself. You aren't happy doing this long-term, from your posts this 'just sort of happened': so why not say good-bye with a bang?!

I don't know if he is 'ok' with a LDR: I mean, it is just a fact of life for him bc of his job. Not everyone is cut out for being with someone in service. He deserves a chance to look elsewhere and find someone else too.

btw: is it possible he isn't 100% commited to you to begin with? How do you know really? Could it be that this relationship is more about adventure and convience rather than about being in love? for both or one of you?

Bottom line: If he isn't going into combat, be honest. good luck.

re
i dont know how you can say it's not serious when we are saying we love each other. He has even told me he'd want me to go with hiim, but i cant. I cant quit my job and move somewhere else. I talked to him last nigth and i cried and apologized for being 'psycho' lately. He said it was ok and he understands i am just scared of what will happen and so is he. I asked if he thought we'd need to break up and he said no did i. i said no. He said he does feel like things are uncertain, that he doesnt even know what will happen tomorrow due to his job, but he's certain that he loves me...he'll be home for almost a month...i guess this will really be telling of what will happen...

Playon--

Make the most of your time together, but realize that you are not happy with a lover who is far away.

You are not going to be able to change him into a Long Distance Attentive Lover. He will not be able to change you into a person who can live without daily romantic guestures.

You are going to be separate for the most of the foreseeable future. Make the best of his leave.

I disagree with the advice not to break off with a lover going into combat. You are unhappy with limited contact and could easily get yourself in a situation where you'd be sending a Dear John letter to a war zone.

Look at your heart--and your emotions.

re
well things have gotten really UGLY. HEre is what's happened:

Thursday night, he came to my hotel room drunk. He went on and on about how much he loved, missed me, had been waiting for this moment for so long, wants to spend the rest of his life with me. we had sex. For the next day (friday) i knew that he had plans during the day to go golfing with his brother, then to an MRI appt with his brother, then they would all go out after that. Fine. He told me that he'd see me after that...fine. I would have thought this would be around 8 or 9pm. Well at 7 that nigth he calls me and says they just got out to where they were going-some bar. He said he'd see me after. I got upset. I mean come on folks, let's keep in mind that it's been THREE MONTHS since i've seen him. Yes i saw him for a f*ck basically the night before...does that REALLY count especially if you love someone? He acted like a jerk on the phoen when i got upset. He said, this is what i'm doing, i told you i was hanging out with my brothers. I argued that he had said during the day he was hanging out with them. He just said, well things changed, I'll call you when I"m ready. He kept saying, say goodbye, i'm hanging up. I finally hung up on him. I was a mess. Crying, couldnt believe that he would choose to stay out drinking with his brother when for the past months all we'd talked about was how much we missed each other and couldnt wait to see each other again. He had said things to me like, i'll all yours when i get home. So he ends up calling me at 11 on friday night, then came over around midnight, drunk. He told me that i acted crazy on the phone, but he loves me and my craziness. I was still not very happy with the whole situation.

Next day we woke up. One would think that any man who hadnt seen his girlfriend in 3 months would just want to lay in bed and hold her, but no not him. He wanted me to drive him home because he had things to do. Oh and by the way, saturday night, he has to go out with cousin Jimmy. I asked why he had to see him that night and not another night. He said, well he called me and he wants to do somehting tonigth. I said, what about me? When do i get to spend some real time with you? He told me i was being selfish. Apparently his brothers said i was selfish too. Once again he told me, I'll see you after i see my cousin. He even added in, oh well he might not even be able to do anything since he has a kid now. we argued a bit, he said he still wanted to see me, but he has other people to see too. BUt obviously these other peopel are taking priority over me, seeing how he is seeing me AFTER he sees them. He is home for three weeks, WHY did he have to see these men the first weekend he was home. Wouldnt most normal men want to see their girlfriend that they supposedly love first? wouldnt most men be understanding of this??

So saturday night was awful. I dropped him off about 1pm and he said he'd call me to let me know what he was doing. At 5pm, i have him a call. I really wanted to know what my plans for that night would be. Once again, i left the whole weekend open for him. Yes i have my own life, but i hadnt seen my man in 3 months...woudnt one think it'd be only natural for me to reserve the first weekend he's home for him? Especially because he was telling me how much time we'd spend together. He did not answer when i called. I didnt leave a voicemail. at 7:30 i still hadnt heard from him. After the night before's incidents and still not having heard from him, i felt pretty upset. I called him, he answered. Said he was with his cousin and he'd call me when he was ready. I lost it. The past few months and the week before, and all the effort, feeling, and emotions that i'd been putting into the relationship came flooding through. He told me he didnt want to argue with me. I sobbed and sobbed on teh phone telling him i coudlnt believe he would do this to me, how could he love me and do this. He started calling me psycho, said listen to yourself, you're f*cked up. Here i am crying on the phone because all i want is to see him after not seeing him for so long and this is how he treats me. I really cried and yelled and he hung up on me. I called back several times that night, he never answered, then shut his phone off. I havent talked to him since. One woudl if thought if he still loved me, he'd have called heck that night, or even yesterday during the day. Nope. I called him at 3, no answer, then i called him at 8:30 leaving a VM saying, 'I'm not sure if you plan to ever talk to me again, if you dont, please let me know. I regret some of the things i said to you last nigth on the phone, but i really have been confused by your behavior since you've been home.' He called back at 1am...i didnt speak to him since he was asleep. I am thinking he was drunk when he called.

I feel like a fool. I had high expectations for seeing him...but why woudlnt i have? we talked everyday on teh phoen, he'd go on and on about how much he wanted to see me, just lay with me for hours as soon as he saw me...belive me i understand him wanting to see his family too. I really do. I know family is important. What i dont get is, why did he have to hang out with them on friday and saturday NIGHT??? This is prime date time for people. He had all day friday, he also had all day saturday. LIke i said, he left my side at 1pm sat...to do what, who knows??? I am flabbergasted by all this...i feel like i was really mislead or that he's all talk. I just really feel that most men would say to their brothers/cousins, hey you know what, i love you guys, but i havent seen my girl in 3 months, i really want to spend some quality time with her. HEll after not seeing me for three months, if he loves me as much as he says he does, he should be GLUED to my side. He should not be able to get enough of me at this point!!! I'm hurt....I really think things are over. I'm sure he thinks i am psychotic for how i acted on the phone...i really felt my heart break with how he treated me, it was like i got a big punch in the stomache.

I told my family what happened, and they barely wanted to hear it. Just said he sounds like a total waste of time and he chose going out drinking with buddies over seeing his girlfriend. I told them about my outburst on the phoen, they just said, so what. My roomate was shocked as well at his behavior and him seeming so cold. He said to me on friday night, f*ck you for coming between me and my family. I just kind of laughed and said ok. all i coudl think was the stories he used to tell me of how his brother beat the crap out of him when he was little and burned cigarettes on his skin...

what shoud i do here? Anything, or just let this go and move on? i did not call back his 1am phone call....i dont think i will call him back at all. What would you do?

Playon--

After an intensive time of Military Discipline your BF wants to make his own rules and schedule his own time. Maybe he's a rough, tough soldier now, but in the civilian world he's a brat.

He'd obviously rather be out raising hell with his brother and his buddies than be with you.

Under the circumstances, you have every right to be confused, hurt and angry.

Because of your emotional reaction to your severe disappointment, you haven't come across as Ms. Rationality. The Long Distance Relationship has been hard on you and the "So Near And Yet So Far Relationship" seems even worse.

This BF doesn't put you in situations where you like yourself. Where he's involved, you don't act, you react and you react with hysteria.

Should you return his phone call?

You can't make plans for the two of you without his input--and so far he hasn't wanted to make plans with you. You can't straighten this out--he's the only one who can do that. Let him make the call. Let him take the initiative.

Should you make plans without him?

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. Make plans, but make them flexible.

Good luck.

re
thanks. In regards to the calling situation, the thing is that he called last night at 1am...i'm not sure if i respond to that call or do i wait for him to just call me at a decent hour? He didnt leave a voicemail with his 1 am call...so i'm not sure. I would think that if he really wants to try to work things out...he'd call me again right?

Playon--

Anyone who wants something in the middle of the night deserves to have his call ignored. He had probably been drinking. Either he wanted to fight with you or make love with you.

Either way, what he wanted was important--and you were not.

If he wants to be rational, he'll call at a rational hour. If he wants to be macho he'll get drunk again and call very early tomorrow morning.

Let him make his choices. Grit your teeth and stay cool, calm and collected. Remember, you should be making choices, too.

Please don't call him! Don't let him treat you as a doormat, like he has
done so already. After he had fun with his friends and brothers, got drunk and tired, he remembered you all of a sudden again. Is this what you
want - a stopgap in between his friends and whatever else will come?

He obviously doesn't respect you enough to consider your feelings,
and without respect there never will be a healthy relationship.

I confess I skimmed your post but one thing that keeps leaping out is, he's drinking, calling late and hanging around for only one purpose. This is how an ex-boyfriend treated me -- a man who was a raging alcoholic. I am not saying that this guy is, but we are talking about someone who sees getting drunk as a main form of entertainment and is calling you in the middle of the night, trashed.

These are the signs. Get out while the gettin's good. You don't need this agita in your life.