kickycan wrote:You should have thought of all this before you got married. All women are pain-in-the-ass nags. Enjoy the rest of your life...sentence, that is!!!
This kind of thing is not going to get you back in the sig lines thread, Kicky.
hehehe...ain't I a stinker?
kickycan wrote:You should have thought of all this before you got married. All women are pain-in-the-ass nags. Enjoy the rest of your life...sentence, that is!!!
We women are just verbally repetitive, that's all
I'm confused about why you are always apologizing, within an underlying framework of "she must be obeyed". Who made her the ruler of the domain? You seem to be in the position of child to parent. Further, always trying to be obedient seems to be getting you nowhere fast.
Yep, I'm in agreement with the "why do you have to do what she says" comment.
I like the idea of mirroring her behavior. It can be REAL effective, or backfire. You gotta mirror her, then, as soon as she reacts, smile, and say, "Now THAT wasn't very pleasant, was it?" It gives people a chance to hear and see how they are coming across. And lets them know, you are hip to their theatrics and can lay it on thick, too.
I like the idea, too, of using hyperbole to drive home a point. What if she came home and you are dressed as a butler and go about "M'dame-ing" her all over the place. Stonefaced, no change in voice inflection. I mean, really, she'll notice, won't she? And wonder how she ended up with a butler.
I like the idea of you giving her YOUR demands. Make something up if you gotta. Anything she does. I had a husband who tried to control everything. Even the type of cup I put water in. It was BIZZARE!
But, really, I'd try some lovin' first. A little sympathy, deserved or not, can go a long way. And then, when you do escalate to more bizzare extremes to drive home your point, well, you can always say truthfully, you tried a loving, thoughtful, reasonable approach first.
Ignoring her entirely ... that might work, too. Let her yell her head off till she's exhausted and goes to bed ... ?
Maybe an obvious question, but...
When she, for instance, tells you not to put the blanket on her side of the bed, are you doing it again in a day or 2?
When she asks you not to wear her bathrobe....do not not wear it, ever?
Or, do you revert back to doing the stuff again?
Is it possible her nagging is mostly repeating stuff that she's said before, but you keep going back and doing it the old way?
Just wonderin'
One way to minimize nagging is by helping the President achieve his plan for victory in Iraq!
If she makes a reasonable request I do my best to honour it. So no, I am not leaving the blanket on her side of the bed anymore. She always comes up with new stuff.
The reason I apologize all the time is because:
- it stops the nagging from turning into an argument (its pretty hard to argue with someone who apologized to you and said nothing more).
- 90% of the time the issues arent worth arguing about so I try to minimize them and move on
- before I tried the apologizing approach we use to argue like crazy. now that i have a 13month old son, i dont want to argue in front of him. i want to create a peaceful, harmonious environment for him (oh yeah and for myself too.. the arguments just arent worth it).
- once in awhile I will 'get into it with her' if i feel the subject matter is important and is worth arguing about. most of the time it isnt so I apologize or do my best to avoid the argument.
There is no way I am doing this for 20 years. If counselling doesnt work and when my son is old enough for daycare (3 years old) I will seriously tell her that she has to change and if she doesnt I will move out.
My only saving grace is that she and I are seperated 10hrs per day, 7 days per week. So I just have to work up the mental energy to be ready for her 5hrs a day.
Question: Are many women like this or only a select few?
Not all!
It's not something you should have to put up with.
Kudos to you for thinking of your son first in this difficult situation.
Good luck.
Could you not write her a letter explaining the ay you feel?
I know its quite basic.
But she may see her error.
Are you SURE the nagging is only about trivial things?
Could it not go deeper?
I think it's clear that it's deeper -- they were already having major problems before the baby, and nearly split up because of those pre-existing problems (which never disappear simply because a baby appears). The question is, can she modify her behavior? Can the deep problems be resolved, or is it a matter of postponing the inevitable?
It sounds to me like zycro's wife is deeply resentful. She wasn't happy in the marriage before the baby came along, and reluctantly agreed to stick it out because of the baby. It makes sense to me that in these circumstances, every little thing would bother her -- though it also makes sense to me that zycro isn't actually doing much wrong beyond existing.
Resolution of the deeper issues is the only way to get anywhere, I think, which is why I recommended counseling, which is what they're already doing.
Actually, I re-read, it sounds like the big blow-up happened in January, after the baby was born.
There is still the possibility that she is dealing with post-partum depression, and that dealing with that will help the larger issues. Her being cheerful to other people doesn't necessarily rule that out, as lots of people "handle" depression in such a way that they seem fine to everyone but their nearest and dearest (you).
Sounds to me like she's just really unhappy in the marriage and is resentful of living with you so she's picking at you all the time. Who cares what her problems really are? If she were a normal, caring, mature person who respected others, she wouldn't be taking her issues out on other people. Personally, I think she doesn't love you. If you love someone, you don't dish that kind of crap out on a continual basis.
I think you have to figure out what you're doing to do about your darling boy... access, custody, etc. because it's inevitable you're going to split and I don't think you'll even last until he's three yrs old.
Sounds like you're a caring person, and more rational that she is. I would just tell her to shut the hell up and then I'd walk out of the room. Yikes, I looked at what I just said and wow - it's because I cannot stand nags. At all. Period. Maybe that's not the answer! But I would definitely not be apologizing, I would be making my own list of complaints, and basically, what a couple of others said here, previous page... great advice. Even if it doesn't work, it'll feel good not to be a victim about this, zy...
Good luck and keep us posted.
There is a lot of stuff bandied about, regarding the fact that women are more communicative than men.
While it is true that women TALK one hell of a lot more than men (my next door neighbour's wife has to put her mouth in for a 50,000 word service every other week), it is seldom the case that they communicate effectively.
A man will tend to talk a lot less, but when something needs to be addressed, he will normally take the direct approach. A woman, on the other hand, when attempting to sort out a major problem, will tend to go out of their way in showing that they are unhappy, but will not say why.
This leaves the man scratching his head, wondering what the bloody hell he's done, and nipping off up to the flower shop, just in case he's missed an important anniversary or something.
The following day, the same scenario is played out. In the end, the house is filled with flowers, choccies and little trinkets, and she's STILL unhappy.
Finally, the man blows.
The conversation usually starts at a very gentle pace with "WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH YOU ?"
A screaming row ensues, where the reason usually turns out to be the fact that she doesn't feel wanted/respected/appreciated/loved, whereupon reassurances are made and plans are drawn up to make the situation better in the future.
Inside the man's brain, this is a thunderbolt that's come out of the blue.
Inside the woman's brain, the entire script of the argument is transformed into compressed data and sent to the "total recall/lifelong diary lobe" that, AT LAST, the dumb male has finally got the message.
This argument data will then be decrypted and used, word for word, to supply evidence for use in further discussions.......
.....eg "Hang on a minute....you said at 11.23am on the 20th March 1979, that <click whirr...> and I quote "OK honey, I promise to take you out more often, and that I will never again call your Mother an old witch" "
Our male and female brains are wired differently, zycro. They can't communicate properly sometimes, but that's just the way they're wired, poor things.
She is unhappy about something else, probably something major.
You have to find out what it is. The outcome and final solution may not be very nice at all, but you can't carry on like this.
Good luck.
Lord Ellpus wrote:
The following day, the same scenario is played out. In the end, the house is filled with flowers, choccies and little trinkets, and she's STILL unhappy.
I promise to be happy if you fill my house with flowers, choccies and little trinkets, LE.
J_B wrote:
Lord Ellpus wrote:
The following day, the same scenario is played out. In the end, the house is filled with flowers, choccies and little trinkets, and she's STILL unhappy.
I promise to be happy if you fill my house with flowers, choccies and little trinkets, LE.
<Ellpus, ever eager to have his wicked way, quickly rings Fortnum and Masons in order to get a large hamper delivered to J_B>
zycro wrote:
There is no way I am doing this for 20 years. If counselling doesnt work and when my son is old enough for daycare (3 years old) I will seriously tell her that she has to change and if she doesnt I will move out.
My only saving grace is that she and I are seperated 10hrs per day, 7 days per week. So I just have to work up the mental energy to be ready for her 5hrs a day.
Question: Are many women like this or only a select few?
zycro, welcome to A2K, I was struck by a couple of the comments in your post above.
Waiting 2 more years to tell her she has to change for you to stay in the relationship is a waste of time and energy. She is who she is and telling someone to change for you isn't the answer. She can only change for herself. If she's expressed being unhappy in your marriage then she needs to want to work to identify what's making her unhappy and resolve it. She's unhappy, she's taking it out on you, you're fed up with it, and it will continue forever unless she can identify what it is that's bothering her. The nagging might appear to be the problem, but it's really only a symptom.
Also, the stress of 'having to work up the mental energy to be ready for her 5hs a day' is unhealthy. I'm not sure what direction your marriage counselor is taking you, but you might want to consider some personal counseling as well. At a minimum, try to find a way to get some stress relief. Do you exercise or work out? Join a basketball league and a book club, or anything that lets you escape mentally and physically from the stress.
Good luck!
Lord Ellpus wrote:This leaves the man scratching his head, wondering what the bloody hell he's done, and nipping off up to the flower shop, just in case he's missed an important anniversary or something.
I have a vision of the Lord wandering the streets of London in perpetual confusion, buying flowers and candy, but never knowing why.
The people sit on the benches and say stuff like, "Here comes that crazy bastard with the flowers and chocolate again."
Lord Ellpus wrote:There is a lot of stuff bandied about, regarding the fact that women are more communicative than men.
While it is true that women TALK one hell of a lot more than men (my next door neighbour's wife has to put her mouth in for a 50,000 word service every other week), it is seldom the case that they communicate effectively.
A man will tend to talk a lot less, but when something needs to be addressed, he will normally take the direct approach. A woman, on the other hand, when attempting to sort out a major problem, will tend to go out of their way in showing that they are unhappy, but will not say why.
This leaves the man scratching his head, wondering what the bloody hell he's done, and nipping off up to the flower shop, just in case he's missed an important anniversary or something.
The following day, the same scenario is played out. In the end, the house is filled with flowers, choccies and little trinkets, and she's STILL unhappy.
Finally, the man blows.
The conversation usually starts at a very gentle pace with "WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH YOU ?"
A screaming row ensues, where the reason usually turns out to be the fact that she doesn't feel wanted/respected/appreciated/loved, whereupon reassurances are made and plans are drawn up to make the situation better in the future.
Inside the man's brain, this is a thunderbolt that's come out of the blue.
Inside the woman's brain, the entire script of the argument is transformed into compressed data and sent to the "total recall/lifelong diary lobe" that, AT LAST, the dumb male has finally got the message.
This argument data will then be decrypted and used, word for word, to supply evidence for use in further discussions.......
.....eg "Hang on a minute....you said at 11.23am on the 20th March 1979, that <click> and I quote "OK honey, I promise to take you out more often, and that I will never again call your Mother an old witch" "
Our male and female brains are wired differently, zycro. They can't communicate properly sometimes, but that's just the way they're wired, poor things.
She is unhappy about something else, probably something major.
You have to find out what it is. The outcome and final solution may not be very nice at all, but you can't carry on like this.
Good luck.
This is so true on so many levels.
I agree, there is definitely something making her unhappy and her nagging is the symptom. She is a very chatty / expressive sort of person so its hard for her not to say something when she has the urge to. We have to go to counselling again. Its been a couple months since we went last and that ain't good.
Here's a question. If the thing that is making her unhappy isnt resolved to her satisfaction (maybe they cant be or are unlikely to be resolved) what are the chances that she can move past it without all the negativity? Not that likely I'm guessing.
Like I said ultimately I'm hanging on for my son's sake. I just love him so much, I have this strong urge that it is my duty to protect him. I cant do that if I am not around.
