HELP! Is there a way to minimize the nagging?

Hi zycro,

Welcome to A2K!

You lay out your case really clearly here -- maybe just say the exact same thing to her? Have you already tried doing so?

Oh, interesting....I hope we get more details from zycro. As a self-confessed nagger, I'm intrigued!

From the nagger's pov: yes, some things that bug people are really stupid, like whether your blankie is on her side of the bed (wow, that sounds silly even to me!)...but I think everyone has these dumb pet peeves. My strategy is to ignore most of my "There Is One Correct Way To Do That" things, because I'd be an incessant nag if I brought up everything that bugs me. I narrow it down to one or two things that I REALLY just can't stand, even though they're dumb, and I tell my boyfriend exactly that: "This is dumb, but I HATE it when your bathrobe is on the floor. Just hang it up, so I won't drive us both nuts."

It's still naggish, but it's a compromise. He still thought I was obnoxious when I first brought it up and mentioned it (fifty thousand times) until he got in the habit of picking it up, but when I explained that I was dealing with most of my other stupid pet peeves, and just couldn't handle this one thing not being done my way, he went along with me.

So does she really nag about a zillion things, or is it maybe just one or two things that (although they're stupid) you could just accept and get in the habit of doing? Or could you make that the deal: "I can't keep up with all of your little things that bug you, honey. Pick the two most important, and I'll learn to do those your way, and you learn to not sweat the other ones."

Is your wife a perfectionist in other ways--or just about your housekeeping? Could she be jealous that you have more face-to-face child time than she does?

You need to find some alone time with her to talk. Something is bugging her and she seems to be using you as the problem. Sounds like stress is the culprit-- a one year old, nonetheless, you have to get her when she's relaxed enough to be open to hear how hurtful her behavior is.

Ohh man, I can so see it from her pov bc it drives me nuts when I'm rarring to go for a fight (she is instigating fights) and the guy shuts down or apologizes. Then I have the compulsion to find something else to get pissed about.

It's never about the stupid little things. It's a shitty way of communicating, is what it is. She has to something to say - or she wants to vent some emotion - and she doesn't figure you are listening. By trying to avoid the conflict or appeasing, you just reinforce her behavior is right.

You need to talk to her when she is calm. Is she like this with everyone or just you? Is she a perfectionist or is she a control freak?

Something is brewing within her and needs to be addressed. And you deserve not to be nagged when you are doing what you can.

Are you starting to feel underappreciated? Do you need more from her too?

.........Oh by the way: Welcome to A2K........

Welcome to A2K, zycro. I have no advice, but am just reading along and nodding with the advice you've gotten so far. Hope you'll stick around even after it's solved.

Thanks for the greetings and replies! Seems like mostly women have responded. Interesting. Okay I will try to address all the comments made here.

First of all things started getting alot worse once the baby was born. Before then it was not what I would call a good marriage, but it was alot better than it is now. We came very, very close to getting divorced this passed January. I ended up crying my eyes out (first time since I was a child, I am 34 y.o.) and we agreed to try to keep trying. Honestly, if it weren't for my son I would have been gone by now. I am pretty sure she knows that. My son means the world to me and I couldnt imagine living seperately from him. My love for him gives me the strength to keep trying to make this marriage work.

As I said things started getting alot worse since the baby was born. I am pretty sure a large part of that was because while she was on mat leave we were spending 5 days a week together. Its very difficult to spend that much time with someone. I encouraged her continually to go out and have some time by herself or with friends. She ended up taking about 5hrs per week away only near the end of her mat leave. If I left the house more than to go to work or my one 3hr evening playing with my band, I would get a bit of a guilt trip. That is still true today.

I was counting down the days til she went back to work. I thought she would be happier with me. I thought that my looking after my son 10hrs per day and having the house mostly cleaned... well that she wouldnt have anything to be upset about. Not true.

Once in awhile (not often enough) we have what we call "marriage corner" where we talk about the problems with the relationship. I have told her all the things in my original post more than a few times. Especially that you can choose to say something nice or not nice and the "delivery" is probably the most important part about we communicate. there are always going to be issues that need to be dealt with but its the way in which we deal with them that makes all the difference in terms of how the people in the discussion feel after the discussion. I think she is working on this but honestly the amount of effort seems like a drop in the bucket compared to what really needs to happen.

A large part of this is because she has a bad temper and gets upset really, really easily. Once she starts to get angry and emotional it seems that the rationality and objectivity needed to solve the problem vanish. At that point there is nothing I can do to address her concerns. Eveything I say is wrong because I am dealing with an emotion rather than rationality. So I just apologize.

I wouldnt say she is a perfectionist. However, she has a very hard time seeing that there other ways of doing things besides her way. She admitted that to me once.

She only treats me this way. Oh and her mother who she has a very rocky relationship with. Basically they arent talking right now. But honestly that is mostly her mother's fault. Her mother has made serious allegations which are completely untrue and unfounded saying that my wife and my wife's brother stole money and jewelry from her. She aint quite right in the head. But anyway thats another story.

She only treats me this way. She will be in the middle of nagging me and then the phone will ring and she is very pleasant and cheerful. Hangs up the phone and continues to rip me a new one.

I think this is because she is combfortable with me and lets her guard down. Whereas with others she is self-conscious and overcompensates by sometimes being overly friendly. It kind of bugs me but I dont say anything.

Yes, she nags about a zillion things. That's what so frustrating. If it were just one or two things or even five, I could just do what she wants and the problems would vanish. But there is always something new that I am doing wrong. Admittedly, sometimes its the same thing that I havent "gotten right" yet from her point of view. I fully acknowledge that it takes two people to make a marriage work and I know i am NOT without blame.

I wouldnt doubt that she is envious/jealous that I spend more time with our child. I make alot of money at my job so I dont have to work as much. I am also very cafeful/frugal with my money. I would rather have the time at home with my son, than have the "things" earning more money can get me. It is a sacrifice. But I am happy with the lifestyle I choose. Her story is that she spends alot of money as its part of what makes her happy. Therefore she needs to work fulltime to fund her spending. We keep all of our finances split right down the middle 50/50 and find that really works for us. We very rarely argue about money. Thank God! Anyway, yeah she is probably jealous that I have more time with our child, but ultimately that's her choice. As she enjoys spending money she needs to spend more time away from our son in order to earn the money she spends. I am not sure if she really understands that. Its a touchy subject! Regardless, I would live in a trailer park or do whatever it took to make things work. As it is I give myself a weekly allowance of $20 and that has to cover lunches at work too.

I dont feel unappreciated. She shares in alot of the work thats involved in making this household run. Having a child is alot of work and she is certainly not shirking any responsibilities. By me staying at home we are saving about $900 a month in childcare (regardless, I dont like my child in daycare anyways). I know that she appreciates it.

What I want is her to be nicer to me. ALOT nicer. If there is a problem talk to me nicely about it. The same way she would use a pleasant tone of voice when talking to a friend or even a stranger.
As has also been mentioned, lots of stuff bugs you/me/us, but we dont have to vocalize our disatsifaction every single time. Its like that book says "Dont sweat the small stuff."

This post was quite lengthy. My apologies. :wink:

Hoo boy. I think it's all encapsulated here:



Nothing gets easier after, to quote Dan Savage, "the stress-fest/shitstorm that is parenting." If you had those kinds of problems before the baby, of course things would be worse after the baby. (A truth that soap operas and sitcoms tend to gloss over, but a truth nonetheless.)

Is the "marriage corner" something formal or just the two of you? If the latter, I'd recommend counselling for you guys.

Good luck!

bm

next time she wants sex tell her you feel berated and minimized by her and you're just unable to feel enough emotional attachment lto have sex with her and until you talk this out sex is just out for now..... then immediately masturbate. She'll hit the roof, but then explain it's not that you don't want to have sex, it's just that right now you can't have sex with her. Try to work up a couple of tears so she understands you feel terrible about it but it's for her own good and to treat it as a learning and enriching process. :wink:

:O Wow, masturbation is such a powerfull act.

Zycro.. how often does she tell you the same things? If she has to repeat her requests multiple times before you start acting on them, then she probably has the feeling that you are choosing to ignore her requests. That may not be a good feeling for her. Try and find out if that is what is going through her mind.

If she says that one time and the first requests itself comes with a bitter tone, then choose to ignore her and walk out of the room silently. If she picks up on you saying you are ignoring her, tell her you will be more than glad to work on her request if she asks nice. Or tell her, find me in the bedroom once you decide to talk nicely. It will take her couple times to break through this behaviour. But when she does and asks you nice, be sure to compliment her (Positive re-inforcement). Never raise your voice but do stand your ground.

Best of luck!!

depends on the ply count of your tissue....

What happens when you do what she asks?

Hey, welcome to able2know!

I'm a nagger. I can't help it. I do soften it with appreciation and joy and happiness, and I do think I phrase my obsessive requests nicely, but ... I'm a nagger.

I got two ideas.

She may be like me, high-strung. I'm wound up, but I think I am getting better. Anyway, my boyfriend is the sweetest. You'd be surprised how far hugs, massages, and especially fingernail scratching can go to releive a person's stress. And, frankly, after that, I'm not so picky about the small things. I also started getting a deep tissue massage once a month. And it really helps. When I started about a year ago, I actually went once a week for two months. Worth every penny in helping to change my mindset. In helping to bring me into another perspective, another reality.

My other suggestion is to designate a writing pad for her and to have her write down her requests and even number them. You can, what's the phrase, be the "fall guy" here to make it easier for her. Tell her you get wound up when she's not happy and have trouble remembering or even hearing her requests. But if it's in writing it'll make it much easier for you. And if possible, it'd be great if you could compartmentalize her requessts. Like, gee, if you are hopping around for hours every time she comes home, that doesn't leave enough time for the lovin' session. So, if you can tell her you'll spend about 30 minutes or so now, and do the rest of her requests at another time when she's gone to work or whatever. That way, you both get to be off the "bitchin' session" clock for a time period. It should short circuit the nag session and allow her to experience a different reality. And you, too.

Good luck!

First off, withholding sex from her will never work. She has virtually no sex drive. I am lucky if we have sex once every two weeks. Sometimes its a month. Often I feel like she is just doing it for my benefit. It really sucks, because I have a high sex drive.

When I do what she asks she may thank me, but really I am expected to "know" these things so I dont think she really thinks she should thank me for something I am "suppossed to know" anyway.

I like the idea of requesting a written list. It will be a long one with daily updates!

Also, great suggestion about ignoring her until she agrees to ask nicely. Thats all I am really looking for.

We are in counselling. Thats where I heard about the delivery of the message being the most important and the content mostly secondary. Time for another appointment for sure.

Yesterday she called me at work to complain that the UPS guy came to our place. I am not allowed to have any more deliveries because she finds it annoying.

Honestly I dont know how much more I can take. Its getting to the point where I am hypersensitive to the nagging where as soon as I hear that tone of voice I cringe.

That's great that you're in counseling already. I hope that will help this whole situation.

You really have an uphill battle in that things were so bad before the baby even arrived. Not impossible, by any means.

I'd advise caution with the ignoring thing -- maybe bring it up in therapy first, say that you're considering it and get your counsellor's feedback first, and give her fair warning that you're going to do it. I think it's the kind of game-playing that could just escalate the situation rather than resolving it.

Good luck!

You should have thought of all this before you got married. All women are pain-in-the-ass nags. Enjoy the rest of your life...sentence, that is!!!

I suffered through exactly this cycle for nigh onto 20 years. You'll never make her happy, you'll never meet her exacting standards, things will never get better and inevitably she'll blame you. Get out while you still have a modicum of self-esteem left. Stop wasting money on counselors and spend it on a good attorney.