Economic differences/age diff.

Thank you all for sharing. A lot to digest and think about.



I'm not 100% sure CalmityJane. I do have my reservations and that is why I posted. I trust the people here to give a good variety of perspectives and honest feedback. You guys have helped a lot before; and this time is no different. Without gushing too much, I'm constantly amazed at how smart and amazing the people here are.

Some of my reservations have to do with myself and what I can bring to the table. Jespah voiced a few of my fears: That it could develop into a mentor/protege relationship. I do NOT want that.
That I could fall crazy in love and have my heart broken later due to differences: do NOT want that.
And, it hasn't been terribly long since my heart was last smushed.
So, I can say honestly that I am being very careful.
I haven't thrown myself into it; I'm dipping my toes in emotionally.
I've been upfront about it.

I have never been treated as well as he treats me.
It's a bit scary...as odd as that sounds.
He's brilliant, fun, stable, shows a heart of gold, and incredibly sexy.
He knows how to carry himself. I have so much respect for this man.

I'm going to keep seeing him because I know I would regret it if I didn't.
I get the happy feeling - but it's much saner than usual.

I am looking for a serious relationship. One that will endure.

I guess what it all comes down to is me and my own insecurities. I want to make sure they are dealt with and I can give him the full me.

thx.

whoops. double post.

It sounds like he treats you well. I understand being scared to get involved with somebody because of differences (though, not because of age differences per se). Forgive me for alluding to another topic, but I think the advice you gave me about my situation was good - to enjoy it.

I think that can apply to your situation too. Age differences are one thing. But if he treats you well, it's possible that you might owe it to yourself to give it a try, unless you know for some reason it won't work out. Don't blame you for your reservations, though.

Listen to the music of the 80s and the news as these were his developing teen years and so you will know what he knows in terms of general knowledge of the the world and the entertainment scene as so much of life revolves around Hollywood and rock stars. The 80s were the Reagan Era where things were sort of conservative. Reagan being 666 from his 'Ronald Wilson Reagan' was thefirst touse 'Evil' politically to identity the Soviet Union under Breshnev. The crisis was Afghanistan i.e. the Soviets were in Afghanistan. Star Wars was just starting and the Bee Gees were hot from 'Saturday Night Fever' and Disco was King. A very young and skinny in a white suit, John Travolta was hot. Interest rates reached 22% under Paul Volkner (?). Saddam Hussaein was given Weapons of Mass Destruction by Donald Rumsfeld to fight the Iranians.

Flushd

I met my husband when I was 29 and he was 41.

Readers Digest Version....

We kept our doings quiet, but privately, we couldn't get enough of each other, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I was confused because what I would hear about him when around other people, was basically that he was a desparado, ususally with a tone of wariness.
When I was 30, I met and married a man who was 46. He looked great on paper, everyone spoke of him with respect, and often quoted things he had to say.

I married the 46 year old, and it was the most miserable slightly less than 2 years of my life.
My husband at the same time as me, married a woman, and it was the most miserable slightly less than 2 years of his life.

Even though for most of these marriages we lived several thoughsand miles apart, at one point our orbits brought us within a couple of hundred miles of each other.

We met once (he came looking for me and found me actually). We basically took one look at each other, left our spouses, ran off together, couldn't get enough of each other physcially, mentally and emotionally, and this has been going on now for about 13 years.

End of my boring story.

Flushd.....screw whatever negative things people have to say about age differences. What do they know? Are they, have they been in the situation? As you can see from the above. It's not the age, it's the person.


When my husband and I first got back together, before marriage, I excitedly told someone he was coming up for the weekend and how wonderful he was. We happened to see that same person in a restaurant that night, and I waved to her.
On Monday she said to me. "That OLD man wasn't the one you were talking about, was it?" The story of her relationship history flashed through my mind. She was a daddy's girl, and at one point married someone daddy didn't approve of. I got the impression daddy ran him off, and now she lived with the reasoning that "daddy is always right" (those were her exact words...pretty sick, huh)

I've had people "challenge" me with "What are you going to do when he gets older and sick?" or "I had a girlfriend who married someone older and he got sick and infirm and now she regrets marrying him"

Funny thing flushd....the same time he gets older, so do I.

I've gotten heavier and probably not as attractive to the male population in general....he's stayed thin and finds me beautiful.

He had a massive heart attack, and lots of problems that came from that. We are BOTH lucky he's alive....because I don't know what I'd do without him.

I've had my own health problems, as most people develope as they age.
Mental problems too.

The nay sayers have nothing better to do than be amateur relationship counselors, and nothing will ever work for them if it isn't what they would do.

Follow your heart flushd. Isn't that what love is all about, your heart?

excuse me, that that is one of the most foolish things I have ever heard...the man did not get locked into a time capsule you know.

Glad to see someone spoke up on this! It is extremely silly advice.

Yes it is as silly as religion which we acquired as children from our parents or who ever but can't get rid of. Some of the attitudes of the period in which he grew were ingrained in his brain which will govern his actions. Many of the American voters have become more Conservative in the voting patterns because of the Reagan Era 1980-1988. They are in their 30s and 40s now and affecting the fortunes of the Democrats.

Wha..?

First part was silly, this second part is sillier yet. (I'm 35 and came of age protesting Reagan, Iran/Contra, etc., etc., and am now a total lefty pinko liberal...)

More nonsense. How do you know that he didn't hate Reagan and oppose everything Reagan stood for? For all you know that guy culd have been Al Gore's campaign manager. You can't extrapolate a few percentage points difference in national polling and apply the results to any one indivudual.

You might be duped into buying into the flow of popular culture but that doesn't make everyone else in the world a sucker.

is this thread about politics or romance?

Talk, I often agree with you, though I don't routinely verbalize it. You're in outer space on this one.

danielle,
Thanks. affairs of the heart are never easy, eh?! It feels so good tho. Here I am spouting my mouth to you about enjoying it, and meanwhile I'm struggling with some stuff myself.

Chai,
That is a marvelous story! Gawd, how romantic really. I needed to hear one of those. And you seem so happy with your hub - so obviously these things do happen and work. (that 'friend' was being a snot-rag).

My stepdad (yeah, I know, I talk about him a lot) was 58 and my mother was 36 when they met. It was a small town: so you can imagine the 'talk'. Adults would gossip to me, asking 'what does your mother want with an old man?'. I didn't give a sh*t. Age wasn't the issue in my head (more like who is this person sitting at my table? The man turned out to be the best thing in the world for her. They were a beautiful match. Yes, he did get sick a lot, and yes, he is gone now. Mom is still a young women in my eyes - 47 - young to be widowed ..again. But they loved well, she has no regrets.

For a long time this possibility scared me. I saw what can happen. But you know what...what my mom kept saying was true....when you want to be with someone, that's it: no matter what may happen, you spend the time you have and enjoy it. No one knows what will happen. She never imagined she would lose my dad so young.
Better a few years of true happiness than a lifelong marriage of mediocracy or falsehood.

** on another note: something glorious happened this morning. The ex and I met. Peace was made, words were spoken, and it feels all right now. He is fantastic and I can see us having a lifelong friendship. Crazy tho...this is the first one who I have been able to do this with. We laughed and cried today at how much we've grown up and found out about ourselves since we broke up. I have absolutely no regrets; I'd take all the heartache again, he has given me so much.

**another note: the guy i started this thread about made me laugh so hard today.
We were chatting, and I oh-so-casually mentioned a kid who is in my life. Just told an antidote and such. It's weird where my head is at. He got the drift real fast and told me his feelings stance on kids. Back n' forth and no games about it. just like asking about going to do something, no big deal.

The ex would start squirming if a kid even passed by i mentioned he was cute. I never realized til lately that i want kids later. Now I know! Doesn't matter if I bear them or not, at some point i'd like a kid in my life.

I have no idea how this is gonna turn out, but its real and bloody wonderful. So there goes. Some more time will tell more.

About 'talk72000's comments: thanks for the contribution.
Doesn't apply too well here though....he grew up in a small northern community here in Canada. His world is kinda different. lol.

*seems to be a theme w me: men who live in several worlds/cultures.
...and that particular physical draw..

MickeyD's: I'm lovin' it!

You had Mulroney then. 1980-90. A Conservative. I made my comments in that it would influence his thinking in some way whether major or minor is up to the individual. You are a product of what you eat and the times you grew up in. If you grew up in a home with certain attitude you have grown accustomed to it thus you are most comfortable as you have adapted to it. It is not to say to say you are forever stuck in that mode. It is just a useful reference point.

Chai's story is lovely.....

((((flushd))))...glad you are happy..and i hope everything works out wonderfully well.

That sounds great, Flushd! I'm happy for you...and it seems pretty clear, judging from your posts here anyway, that you are *so* much more mature than your chronological years. You'd have a hard time finding a guy in his mid-twenties that was grown-up enough for you anyway!

And I know you've already figured this out, but a little reinforcement never hurts: you can't pick a relationship based on how long your partner's going to be healthy- as we all know, health can be taken away from any of us overnight, unfortunately. It's a sad part of any relationship with people you care about: you can't know how long you're going to have. Your older man could be hale and hearty until he's 99 for all anyone knows; and a guy your own age could get in a car wreck tomorrow--so why even think about it?

I know you'll deal with people being judgemental a lot; people can't help themselves. I'm a few years older than my boyfriend and believe me, people just can't shut up. So expect it. <sigh> But just remember the type of people that judge you for that would just hassle you about something else no matter what...human nature can just be soooo lovely!

Guys in their twenties and early thirties aren't interested in settling down so you will not get any closer in age than what you have.

One must take into account the complexity of the modern age. A high-school graduate is unlikely to find a high-paying job unless he starts from the bottom and had paid his duesfor several years. It could mean maybe six years of his life till he reaches a higher position. If a guy is in a trade he could also have gone to a trade school for at least two years and put in four years before he has a comfortable income. A university graduate with a Bachelors in the Arts will find it tough to get a well-paying job unless he is talented and produces a movie or writes a best-selling novel. If he is in the professions he has to put in at least four years in university and up to two or three years before he has a decent income. A doctor is even worse. He has to have degree in biology or zoology before he can get into medicine. That is eight years just to get a medical degree. Then he has to practise in a hospital as an intern. The guy is well in his thirties before he can pay off his debt. After gaining some success in his career a guy wants to enjoy life before he settles down. See it is complicated. It is the complex society that is creating the problems.

sakhi and cypher, thanks for the encouragement and good wishes! Never hurts, indeed.

talk72000, I get what you are saying. It IS complicated. The thing is; it always is complicated no matter how you cut it. Least, this is what I'm coming to feel.

One thing that is popping into my vision is how important similiar life values are to having things work. Sounds obvious, yet before I was going with any joe who I cared for or who sent me in a blaze. He's got crazy politics? Oh well! I'll deal. Lil miss-hold-up-the-world.
Yeah right.
lol.
That's what bombed out with the last guy. I don't care where a guy comes from; I always just went with the heart and mind connection.
But the other things can't be ignored.
The ex had wander lust following his intense ideals: oh lord those idealists, so lovable and easy to admire from afar. It seems he's 'got it' a little bit more about how heart is important. I knew he would but he'll never be 'in wave' heartwise to me. Gotta admit it was nice to see the moral stance dropped for a bit.
It just isn't in his cards; he's a different sort.
Someone who believes what you do doesn't necessarily pan out to be a good person. Lots believe what i do but would spit on me merely bc of a disagreement of opinion.

I'm blabbering and turning this into my own political thing too lol.

Main point: I know what's important to me now. Can't control how the rest goes. Someone with a strong heart, even if we are parted, won't hurt me in a way i can't handle.


Maybe you should start a thread, talk72000, delving more into what you are saying.

Re: Economic differences/age diff.


Haven't read the thread yet, but:

I don't see an issue there, at all.

Age: By the time you're 25 or so age becomes pretty irrelevant if the attraction is there. I'm 37, have dated as young as 25 since I was 25 and as old as 41 (at approximately 34). No meaningfully relevant insight can be derived from my experience beyond; no meaningfully relevant insight can be derived from it.

Money: I have frequently been far better off financially than my partners though occasionally severely overmatched. In the short run; consideration needs be taken by the person in better financial shape. He shouldn't expect you to "go Dutch" in an expensive environment you wouldn't normally frequent (and I highly doubt he would). There is no shame in telling the truth. If you can't afford something; just say so. While it's certainly up to you... I would recommend taking turns for dates. If he blows a couple hundred bucks on a night on the town, feel no guilt, but invite him to dinner at your house and burn a couple candles. If he's worthwhile; he won't care in the least how much money you bring to the table.

In early stages; the only caution I would give is too watch for signs that he thinks he's buying something (you) with his money. Kick him to the curb at the first inclination that he's one of those. Could be bad news.

In the long run; I couldn't care less how much money a mate may or may not have... though I wouldn't mind marrying some serious wealth. :wink: I can easily feed another mouth, so what's the difference?

I would recommend not ever borrowing, or accepting significant loans if they're offered... but this is true in any relationship. If he turns out to be "the one" he will have long since made his opinion known that marriage is sharing and that it matters not at all who brings what to the table.

Education: If you mean school, this too is immaterial. If you mean smarts, that could be trouble. Occasionally, I've been foolish enough to think similar brain-power isn't important, but it is. A pre-req must be met or boredom will likely ensue when the initial attraction wears off. You strike me as pretty sharp, so I doubt this will be an issue, either.

Honestly, you seem to have enough sense to distinguish good people from bad, and that's all I'd suggest you rely on in deciding what to do here. Neither money nor that insignificant age difference should deter you if you have common interests and common attraction beyond the physical. Good luck!