How to get over his cheating past?!?!?!?!?

Crazielady420 wrote:

He didn't say it in a bad way, he said he can't change his past and he wants me to be happy... to do what makes me happy. If I want to leave, he is not keeping me here type of way. He was sincere and hurt.

he can't change his past, but he can certainly change his current behaviour if he wants to - doesn't sound that way from what you've posted

but you know, he's right

do what you want - and deal with the good and bad consequences

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You're right Chai, I couldn't read through it either.

For what it's worth, I have guy friends who have cheated on their girlfriends. They really don't change, and don't think much of doing it. They can be the sweetest guys to their girlfriends, but they'll bang a hooker and not think twice about it.

I think some people just have different philosophies on relationships. Some think "what they don't know won't hurt them," and some people just don't cheat.

If you don't trust him, there's no point of staying with him. He'll just try harder to cover the other girls. If you break up with him, leave out the "we have to work through this" crap, and just stop talking to him.

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thanks slappy....I may not be able to figure out how a lock works in a door...but I know men.

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This isn't a case of a different 'philosophy of relationships". Sorry. What a nice and bullsh*t way of saying "Some people are emotional babies!"

'Cause that's what it is. He doesn't know better, and if he does: he is not only immature but also an insensitive and selfish person.

CL; with a little time under your belt you will be able to spot these 'losers' within a very short amount of time and a mile away. They give themselves away in a million ways.

The sad truth is this guy is more concerned about himself than you. That is never, ever good.

I'd be laughing in his face, CL! Seriously. You are a beautiful young woman who could have near any guy you'd like. He is not worth your mind-space; except maybe as a sad case of a guy who is frustrated in his efforts of finding satisfaction in life.

As for your friends: Pfft! CL! Like I have told you before, you very much remind me of an old friend of mine. As her friend, I watched her go through moving in with a guy who cheated on her. She kept sweeping it all under the floor....even though he gave all the signs from the beginning.
Ohh, eventually she got out of that (I distinctly recall picking her up in the middle of nights while she was in hysterics, she lost a tonne of weight, but she 'cared about him and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings or let anyone down'. Yup. She has been going through men like that all of her dating years!
As her friend it broke my heart.
I also gave up. I no longer come to her call; because it drains me as a person and I am sick of being on the front line for someone who will not stand up for herself.

You gotta stand up for yourself. It's as simple as that.

Imagine if a friend of yours came to you with this situation...what would you want for her?

p.s. Long post.....did anyone read it all the way through?!
Laughing

That's what I thought.....

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Slappy Doo Hoo wrote:

...

If you don't trust him, there's no point of staying with him. He'll just try harder to cover the other girls. ...

Yep. All that's changed now is that the dude is gonna be more careful. But the gist of the problem is not solved. There's no point in doing this to yourself, and wasting your time. I'd show him the door.

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Crazielady420 wrote:

He didn't say it in a bad way, .

if you have to explain how someone said something... that was obviously dismissive , it was said 'bad'... period.

Go ahead, second chance him to death..

Chai is right.
Why should he change? He has women like you who accept it and see him as a 'hurt person who just needs a chance"....
So long as every girl he sees falls into the role of " let me help you " he will always get his dick wet, always have someone to date, and never have to do a thing about it....

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This is going to sound mean but it's tough love, baby.

While you're baking his cake and serving it to him, remember that anything that happens after this is your own doing. You know (we all know you are smarter than this) that this guy is bad news. Going forward with this relationship is like running back into a burning building; it might not kill you right away but eventually, you die. (Metaphorically used in regards to this relationship and it breaking you down emotionally)

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So it's true, once a cheater, always a cheater?

You all have a very good point and have broughten a few things to my attention that didn't even cross my mind.

But when I was younger, I cheated once or twice. I could never do it again, I was with my ex for 2 years, had the chance numerous times to cheat, and I never did. And he treated me like ****!

Now, for once I am not looking for excuses and I am not going to argue with anyone's advice. Him and I sat down and talked. Which doesn't mean anything, and I know that. His words could all be bullshit. His past does nothing for him, etc.

I honestly know that I should just end it now, make it easier. But at the same time, I kinda believe him. That and I'll cut his f*cking dick off if I ever caught him.

I don't know, this is a hard desicion for me, if you could just see the way he looks at me, like nobody ever has before.

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Crazielady420 wrote:

So it's true, once a cheater, always a cheater?

I don't believe this because being young and stupid is one thing. I think people can change but honestly, those people are few and far between. From the sounds of it, your guy either isn't ready to change or will never change.

Crazielady420 wrote:

I don't know, this is a hard desicion for me, if you could just see the way he looks at me, like nobody ever has before.

That's his game. How do you think he gets all the girls to let him off the hook every time he cheats?

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Quote:

I don't know, this is a hard desicion for me, if you could just see the way he looks at me, like nobody ever has before.

CL- I think that it would be illuminating if you could talk to some of his former girlfriends. I would strongly suspect that he looked at them in the exact same way. It's a style, baby, and he has you snookered by one of the oldest scams in the world!

I remember when I was in college, there was a guy that all the girls were crazy about. We were not romantically involved with him, as he had a girlfriend. He had a gift where he could be in a room with many women around him, and each woman would think that he was talking only to her.

It is a personality trait that is rather rare. Many good salesman have it. It is very exciting to be around a person like that. In the case of my friend in college, he made the women all feel great about themselves. But, there are those who use this gift for more nefarious reasons.

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I don't know, I don't know, I don't know! This is driving me crazy, I would love to just walk away, I would usually just walk away, I don't know why I won't.

I loved being single too, I just don't get it.

Maybe I should just leave him, It's not like it will last forever anyways. So why not get it over with now.

Ugh, I am gonna start pulling my hair out in a minute

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Phoenix32890 wrote:

Quote:
I don't know, this is a hard desicion for me, if you could just see the way he looks at me, like nobody ever has before.

CL- I think that it would be illuminating if you could talk to some of his former girlfriends. I would strongly suspect that he looked at them in the exact same way. It's a style, baby, and he has you snookered by one of the oldest scams in the world!

I remember when I was in college, there was a guy that all the girls were crazy about. We were not romantically involved with him, as he had a girlfriend. He had a gift where he could be in a room with many women around him, and each woman would think that he was talking only to her.

It is a personality trait that is rather rare. Many good salesman have it. It is very exciting to be around a person like that. In the case of my friend in college, he made the women all feel great about themselves. But, there are those who use this gift for more nefarious reasons.

Trust me when I say this boy ain't got nothing like that, lol. He is clingy, scared to loose me, knows I am about to leave, and he is heartbroken. Maybe it is all an act, but why would he want to keep me around when he could be out their still banging all the other girls? Why would you want a gf? I don't spoil him, in fact, I have been quite a b*tch lately, I woulda left my own ass by now.

But he still wants me to stay.... he can't be using me for anything, if I am not giving him anything. I don't get it!!

But he isn't a charmer, when I first met him, all I thought was Oh God... another dorky guy that doesn't have a clue. I honestly didn't think he would have the past he did.

He is ashamed of it more than anything. But I am not going to continue to defend him.

How do I get myself into these stupid messes... Just leave, c'mon leave damn it!

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Quote:

Maybe I should just leave him, It's not like it will last forever anyways. So why not get it over with now.

CL- Yeah, and you still will have your hair, and your sanity!

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Quote:

Trust me when I say this boy ain't got nothing like that, lol. He is clingy, scared to loose me, knows I am about to leave, and he is heartbroken. Maybe it is all an act, but why would he want to keep me around when he could be out their still banging all the other girls? Why would you want a gf? I don't spoil him, in fact, I have been quite a b*tch lately, I woulda left my own ass by now.

CL- Are you attracted to "broken wings"? There are many women who are attracted to guys with problems. The women see themselves as nurturers, who will "fix" the person.

Is it possible that he cheats because he is so insecure that he can only feel good about himself by constantly being reinforced that he is wanted by other women?

If that is his scenario, he needs a shrink, not a girlfriend!

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Bella Dea wrote:

Crazielady420 wrote:

I don't know, this is a hard desicion for me, if you could just see the way he looks at me, like nobody ever has before.

That's his game. How do you think he gets all the girls to let him off the hook every time he cheats?

oh sh!t. he practices that look in front of the mirror.

http://www.toysnjoys.com/sadsam/springtimesadsam.jpg

no matter how I say this, you're not gonna listen...but here goes.....

you are what? 20, 22 something like that?
you've got plenty of time to get all sorts of looks.

as much as it rankles you cl, you have had enough years to have men give you very many looks.

this is turning into one of those topics where it's obvious to everyone, including you what needs to be done....you've said before you're just learning all this stuff...well....learn it, dump his ass and move on.

I'm outta here....I see where this is going.

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I know yuo said you liked being single but if you had someone else to move onto would it be easier to leave him?

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Phoenix32890 wrote:

Quote:
Trust me when I say this boy ain't got nothing like that, lol. He is clingy, scared to loose me, knows I am about to leave, and he is heartbroken. Maybe it is all an act, but why would he want to keep me around when he could be out their still banging all the other girls? Why would you want a gf? I don't spoil him, in fact, I have been quite a b*tch lately, I woulda left my own ass by now.

CL- Are you attracted to "broken wings"? There are many women who are attracted to guys with problems. The women see themselves as nurturers, who will "fix" the person.

Is it possible that he cheats because he is so insecure that he can only feel good about himself by constantly being reinforced that he is wanted by other women?

If that is his scenario, he needs a shrink, not a girlfriend!

No, honestly, I could care less about whether or not he is broken. That is his problem, and he doesn't seem broken to me at all. The only problem he has is that he met me. I am usually the one that fucks everything up. lol

He hasn't cheated in 3 years, but he hasn't really settled down. He just did the stupid flings ****.

The thing is, I don't think I make him feel wanted, I call him a dork, he calls me beautiful. It makes no sense. But I don't think he needs a shrink at all.

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OK, listen... I am tired of talking about this, I got all the advice I needed and I thank you all. But this is my descision that I need to make on my own in the end. I appreciate all the advice and I will take everything you have all said into consideration.

Thanks everyone!

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Quote:

The thing is, I don't think I make him feel wanted, I call him a dork, he calls me beautiful. It makes no sense. But I don't think he needs a shrink at all.

CL- I have been accused in the past of having to have the last word, but I just can't let this go. I promise that I will say no more after this.

Just read what you wrote very carefully. What I infer is that you are saying that you don't make him feel wanted, call him nasty names, and he still runs after you. What does that indicate to you?

The end!

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Good Luck CL.

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How to get over his cheating past?!?!?!?!?

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