How to get over his cheating past?!?!?!?!?

CL--

This guy is probably very insecure. Most womanizers are. His extreme possessiveness about you and your time after dating for two weeks was an earlier danger sign.

You write:



I'm not sure whether he has a lot of past or a lot of psychos--or both--but it seems to me that he feels his philandering isn't his fault. Women throw themselves at him. Women use his cell phone number. Women don't trust him and make him cry.

He doesn't sound like a keeper to me--throw him back.

Why do you suppose his Ex e-mailed you? Was she trying to protect you or getting revenge on him?

GET CLOSER
(lyrics by James Seals; music by James Seals and Dash Crofts, 1976)

Chorus: Darlin' if you want me to be closer to you, get closer to me.
Darlin' if you want me to be closer to you, get closer to me.
Darlin' if you want me to love, love only you, then love only me.
Darlin' if you want me to see, see only you, then see only me.

Boy: There's a line, I can't cross over. It's no good for me and it's no good for you.
Girl: And there's a feelin', deep down inside me. I can't explain it and you're wondering why.
You say we've been like strangers, but I'm not the others you can wrap 'round your fingers.
(chorus)

Boy: There's a time, I when I would come runnin'. I'd drop everything for the touch of your hand in mine.
Girl: You were blind and now you regret it, 'cause I can't forget it. It's locked in my mind.
And I can't go on livin' day to day wondering if we'll be here tomorrow.
People change and you're changin'. And I've given you my all, there's no more to borrow.

Chorus: Darlin' if you want me to be closer to you, get closer to me.
Darlin' if you want me to be closer to you, get closer to me.
Darlin' if you want me to love, love only you, then love only me.
Darlin' if you want me to see, see only you, then see only me.

I VENTED ON IT


They say the past is the past. Forgive and forget. Don't ever regret.
But they also say history repeats itself. People never change. They are who they are.
The past tells a lot about a person. It tells you who they were, and who they've become.
It tells you if they have learned from mistakes or repeated them.

So how can you trust someone when they repeat their mistakes?
How do you know they aren't full of lies?
How do you know that they didn't say the same things to you as they did to the last?

It all boils down to what if. What if I do trust them and they hurt me?
They feed me with their lies and at some point convince themselves.
But then their habits kick in and they are right back at it, better than before.
Put me at risk for things unknown and not even care because they're caught in a moment.
Then I will be kicking myself in the head for believing you.

What if I don't trust them and leave? Then I have punished them for their past events.
Then I have judged them and not believed in them.
Then I may have missed a great thing and will be kicking myself in the head.

What if I stay and you are true to your word.
And everything works out nicely.
Then that would be against the odds.

So basically, either way, I will be kicking myself in the head.
Unless I end up with the against the odds option, which is doubtful.
Call me a skeptic, but it is rare to go against the odds.

So here I am, at this fork in the road. Having to choose a path to follow.
Either one brings upon risks, one riskier than the other.
One of which could ultimately hurt me emotionally, physically, and mentally.

Now this is a decision you could ponder over for a long time.
Always finding new reasons to stay and believe.
Yet always having that underlying fear.
A fear that will constantly echo throughout your mind.
Suspicions will continue to develop, over time getting worse.

The suspicions will drive the other mad.
Possibly pushing them to the point where they repeat the past.
Which is no excuse, but one used most often.

Without trust, there is nothing. And trust is something that builds over time.
Trust is something that starts with a friendship, and then progresses even more.
Love does the same, which also doesn't happen over night.
That takes time; months, years, decades, maybe an eternity.

So like I said before, here I am at this decision. Do I stay or do I go?
Do I trust and take the risk of being deceived?
Take the risk when I could save myself the agony.
Do I stay or do I go?

It's not like I have known you for years, I know nothing of you in all reality.
From what I have learned; you are not 100 % honest with me.
Your past does nothing for you.
And you care about me a lot.

But how do I know that the last one is not a lie. It happened so fast.
How do I know you won't meet another and BAM it hits you?
She is everything you wanted and more. I may be what you want now, but not forever.
So when you think about it in all reality, why even bother.

But then you get into the whole; well you can never predict the future bullshit.
Which doesn't help the situation because it just brings me what ifs.

And maybe I am overanalyzing. Maybe I am reading into it too much.
But I must, in order to protect myself. I promised myself I'd never get hurt again.
And you put me at risk for breaking that promise.
And life is all about the risks; I for one am generally a risk taker in some aspect.
I put my heart out there and it gets trampled on usually.
I have grown accustom to that. Thus the reason I am broken and can't be fixed.

But I wasn't always broken you know. I wasn't always angry at the world.
Angry with myself. I used to have dreams and goals that I strived for.
I used to feel as though there was something better out there, and I would get it.
I used to think I was going somewhere. But then one day it hit me.
When I looked back on my life and realized I am nowhere near where I wanted to be.
I had lost my inspiration and it was never coming back. I lost my world.

Then I came spiraling down from my high on life and realized that I failed.
I failed my dreams, my goals, myself. Then I turned into the shell I am today.
The shell of a girl that once was happy. That once smiled bright.
I came tumbling first into reality and it hurt like a bitch.
My once sugar coated world revealed its true colors.

Now that I have gone on a tangent, you get to see the inner workings of me.
The way my mind ticks; unstable and insane; different, unique.
Maybe I have no faith in people, because they all walk away.
Maybe I can't let go of my own past, not in a sense of missing it though.
More in a sense that I can never forget and I will always compare.
More or less, I have been hurt, just like the rest. I have hurt also.

We all have a past, some things we are not proud of. But when your past keeps surfacing,
Is it truly your past then? Past stays in the past, but yours seems to be very present.
These girls from the past, they are still in the present, and the future.

All along I said I wanted to hear things from you, not others.
But I have gotten the opposite. I have gotten unneeded drama.
And you may say that I am creating the drama, and maybe that is true.
But I am attacking the situation at the start, instead of waiting months down the road.
I am confronting it right away, to see if there is any possibility to work around it.

You know at times I may seem aloof. But those are the times when I am thinking.
Those are the times when I am content. I may stare off into space.
But what you have to understand, I am not one to forget.
I may forgive, but I never forget. I constantly overanalyze.

Now I am not sure where to go from here, how to go about all of this.
I am not a magician; I can't make this all go away.
It is so early into the relationship and I am already having doubts.
Honestly I don't know what is keeping me here.
The normal me would have left already.
But a part of me is drawn to you. A part of me wants to stay.

But this is quite a shaky situation on my end.
And I know this is stressing you out, and I am sorry for that.
But if I can't have 100 % faith in the relationship, then it will fall apart.

Now I am not saying that I am breaking up with you. I just need to think about stuff.
We need to figure out how to work around this.
And no drastic measures are needed. Nobody needs to change who they are.
I don't want you to change; I just want to be able to trust you.
I just want you to be honest, and you haven't shown me that yet.
I have found out everything about you through friends and strangers.

What am I supposed to think? I don't want you to tell me you care about me.
I don't want you to say you aren't going to hurt me.
None of those things will help; they won't change the way I think.
I want to see actions, not words. I want to see that you mean it.
Again, without drastic measures either.

I just want to see that you have learned from you past. I just want honesty.
Because if you can't be honest with me, then you can't be with me.
There is our solution. Well my solution to my problem.
I am not perfect and neither are you.

So now the question is, what to do?




That is what I am going to say to him. Boy I do overanalyze lol

YOu think it is too much?

I don't think anyone could keep up their concentration so long....

just sing him the song I posted above yours.

Chai, I am not much of a singer, more of a writer.

Hmmm... maybe I could get it on CD :-D

I've been asking myself this question for more years than I care to remember. <sigh>

You're not alone, ((((((CL))))))

Re: How to get over his cheating past?!?!?!?!?
I don't think I'd call "last night" the past.



Sounds like she's at least an online and phone friend.

Re: How to get over his cheating past?!?!?!?!?


If you look at my long tangent, I said this

Montana & CL - I once worked with reformed con-artists (they had done jail time) and they were now working in sales (yeah, similar profession, but legal). They taught me a lot about how to pick "a mark". They can't tell just by looking at you, but within a short period of time they know if you are easy prey. I think this is same with men who lie and cheat on women. They test the waters, so to speak, in very subtle ways. They do little things to see if you get offended or challenge them. These are not big red flags, but rather small little ones that can be overlooked by trusting people, or people blinded by desire. The point is you have to look for these hints into their character and not just dismiss little things. Read between the lines as to how they behave and what kind of stories they tell you.

Now in this case, CL knows the guy is a bum and if she gets hurt again she will have no one to kick in the ass except herself.

CJ--

Life doesn't come with guarantees.

On the other hand, if a used car broke down while you were test-driving it, would you hitch a ride back to the dealer and beg to buy that car.

You don't have to cast this guy into outer darkness by 6:33 tonight, but you don't have to get yourself more emotionally entangled with him, either.

Be wary. Be alert. Be a woman capable of protecting herself.

I let him read my letter (rambling) I wrote here.

His reaction was "do what makes you happy"

He also seemed like he was lost.

He's been talking about buying a house and moving in together. He is at a whole other point in his life than I am.

I truly believe he wants to forget about his past, but I also believe he may repeat it no matter how hard he tries not to.

"do what makes you happy"


dismissive, controling


anyone else said that hes an ass hole?

"Do whatever makes you happy"?

He's not big on taking on responsibility, is he?

I dated an abuser/cheater who dismissed my thoughts and feelings like that.

Absolutely. And petulant.

Crazielady, I rarely say "dump him," being a sort of stubborn eternal optimist, but in this case, dump him. You are far more considerate of his feelings than he is of yours. Don't worry about him; he will survive being let go by you (though his ego may take quite the hit), and he will find someone else to glom onto and then disregard. I also rarely make assessments based on so little information, but I'd bet this guy edges toward NPD.

My son had this problem. It was a standing joke that he was always attracted to "psycho-bitches" who would put him through the emotional ringer. He is now with a very lovely woman, for whom he dumped his latest "psycho-bitch". I am keeping my fingers crossed, because he he still has feelings for the woman that he dumped.

CL- I think that you are a magnet for these exploitive type of men. I also think that before you get yourself tied up in knots again, you need to learn (through professional help) just why you are attracted to people who are going to give you nothing but grief.

In the meantime, I think that you need to give that loser the heave ho!

He didn't say it in a bad way, he said he can't change his past and he wants me to be happy... to do what makes me happy. If I want to leave, he is not keeping me here type of way. He was sincere and hurt.

Did you remind him that the online/phone girl is not "in the past"? What else has he said about her?

Sorry, but he may seem sincere, and he may even believe himself, but I see something different, not having a stake in it.

If you are going to stay with him, just understand what you are agreeing to.

As of right now, I have him telling me about his past. I told him I wanted to know, and I told him about mine. I told him I am sick of hearing it from others and I don't want the drama.

I told him I am going to stay with him for now, but that I do not trust him. I told him if he can handle that and if he can handle me getting my suspicions when it seems logical to have them, then we can try to work it out. I also told him it is early in the relationship and I am having doubts already. That its not a good thing. I told him I don;t understand how he can love me so soon. He barely knows me. I told him Ic are about him, but I don't love him. I told him I am not getting attached.

I have been straight up with him and held my ground. He has one more strike and then I am gone.

I have to be honest CL, I doubt this guy even read your letter.

I tried to twice and I just couldn't get past the first few lines. Nothing against your writing skills, I just don't think anyone is going to read all of that, once they've got the gist of what you are saying.

If my husband handed me something like this to read, I'd get past the first few lines and then just ask "OK, what's the point you're making here?" And that would be from someone I'm sure I love.

A guy? Someone who cheats? He just said "whatever makes you happy" to have something to say.

hehe could you picture slappy reading through all this?

If he's going to change, let him change and then come back.

he's not going to change, because women keep giving him 2nd chances.