Sex? I'd rather be masturbating.

UFO's probably <nods>

See, with me its the other way round, I give fine advice but in person I couldn't be arsed..

Are Pentacostals anything like the Baptists?

Personally, I find that masturbation has plenty of drawbacks.

Those drawbacks must be hard to handle.

Yeah, but I can see the pull of it..

I really, really like wimmins.

And we really, really like you.

Me too

I believe the Pentecostals enjoy handling snakes.

<smooch>

I agree with O'Bill. This problem is due to lack of communication. Your hubby isn't a mind-reader. He can't figure out all on his own what it takes to satisfy you, so you need to tell him.

Your frustration and anxiety could also be standing in your way. If you're worried that he's going to slow down or stop, then you're concentrating on worrying about not being satisfied rather than being in the moment and enjoying it. By the time you're actually enjoying it . . . he's probably wore out. Perhaps he doesn't have the stamina to "keep going" until you've let go of your anxieties to the point where you're ready to be satisfied.

Perhaps you need to take responsibility for your own orgasm. (And I don't mean by masturbation.) Perhaps you need to take control by getting on top and allowing him to just lay there and enjoy it without expending too much effort. If you're on top, you control the pace and you don't have to slow down or stop unless your own stamina has been depleted. You're also taking the pressure off him to perform to your liking or be branded "bad in bed." (Poor guy, no wonder he's depressed!)

Amen, Debra! That's the way to do it!

I really wish it were all as simple as you make it out to be. I have tried many many different things. I have tried getting on top, thats even worse! I can't even say the word boob without him getting a hard on. The thing is, I am not the one making him depressed, I am very supportive. It wasn't until recently that I started saying what's been on my mind. He gets depressed because he is dissapointed in himself no matter what I say. The depression runs in his family and we didn't know he had it until we saught proffessional help. Before the pills he used to treat me like crap, he would call me names, all problems were my fault, and he was never satisfied. The pills has made everything so much better...except for sex. I think a part of me would rather sacrifice sex than go back to all the hardships our marriage started off to be.

Some of you are making it out to be that the reason he sucks in bed is that I tell him he sucks. Well that just isn't true. I am nothing but supportive even when he is really down on himself. The only reason I bring it up is because he seems to want to have sex more and more and I am afraid that one of us will end up dissapointed. When we are actually having sex I am comletely in the moment. Once we have gotten to that point, all those fears are already long gone, but then something happends and I am reminded why I didnt want to start it up in the first place.

Sorry Kitkat. It sounds like BOTH of you are frustrated, and unless you're willing to engage in effective communication with your hubby, there doesn't appear to be a resolution.

From a pure physical need - with the proper foreplay you could roll over on top of him and taint' no way that you would roll off without climaxing. You could be cumming in 30 seconds if you wanted to. Perhaps a little too fast, but if your husband has a problem, well, I don't see how you can fail in this position. <shrugs>



You seem to "loathe" him sexually. He feels that. How is that supportive? Actions will always speak louder than mere words.

Don't put so much emphasis on just his performance in the bedroom. So what if he cums too fast. As a couple, you can work on that. If love is truely there, you can work through all things. As a team.

IMO, when you are in a relationship, and the sex is sub-par ..... it is through the fault of both of you.

Guide his every move. Lay your hand on top of his and show him everything you like. And when he does something that makes you feel good .... don't hold back. With lots and lots of practice, coupled with a good dose of patience and understanding .... things are bound to get better in this department.

justa, Good points, all, and I concur.

Nope, I have been with some who just don't really get it, even if you are kind and gentle and loving, even if you show them many times. Time to move one then.

Chumly,

Assigning blame, even in the RARE instance when it may be justified, never results in a productive outcome. And while sometimes, we as humans, may be very defensive and point our finger at the other person and blame them totally, does not make that blame justifiable. Kitkat and her husband are a couple. THEY have a sexual problem. Not him, and not her, but THEY.

This problem has to be owned by both partners, without casting blame. It's the only way that they can be truely committed to resolve it.

Perhaps you did, indeed, show someone what pleased you, and you were the most gentle person in the world and the most loving. But that doesn't mean you still were not at fault. That fault could have been hidden elsewhere in the depths of your relationship, IMO.

I just have a hard time with finger pointing on matters that can be as complex as our attitudes towards our partner. Which in turn affects all aspects of the relationship, including the bedroom.

The ethics and perspectives of blame assignment are in need of further examination as is a mutually agreeable definition of blame assignment. However this much I will say, I do not consider all problems that two people have, to be problems that must be viewed as both their problem. Simply because they are a couple, and have a relationship, does not mean that they are bound together at the hips, or that one person alone is not the cause of the problem or that one person should not shoulder more of the burden of responsibility.

To wit: if there is no blame assignment, there can be no burden of responsibility, if there is no burden of responsibility, then there can be no directed action. Hold on Newt, I am taking you at your word and I expect the same in return when say specificallyIf what you say had merit that would mean that all people are equal in their abilities to be really good sexual partners, and that is simply not the case. A good relationship can bring out the best in a person sexually/sensually but that is a far cry from saying that all people are going to be equally good under the right conditions. The fact of the matter is, some people will try harder, some people will be more accommodating, some people will understand the language of sexuality/sensuality better, and some people simply have a better sense of eroticism, etc. No relationship, or kind and gentle and loving actions, or showing them many times what you want, is going to change the underlying fact that some people are simply more sexual/sensual/erotic than others. Some in fact are lot better than others good relationship or not.I am not denying the benefits of a good relationship in *hoping & trying* to bring out the best is someone, but all people are far from equal sexually/sensually/erotically regardless of the relationship.