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Fri 24 Mar, 2006 08:28 pm
Hey all, I know I have talked about my sex life in here but I would like to discuss another aspect of it.
My husband and I rarely ever have sex, not because we don't have the time or anything, I personally would rather get myself off then let him try for it. First of all, when having sex with him, not only does he Pre. Mat. Eja., he doesn't even know that he's gone. He is thinking about it so much that it just goes and it's like...it takes longer for me to move into a good position than it does for him to go from start to finish. He also does this really annoying thing where he'll get me in a good spot and I am really into it and he'll do this stop start thing! Every time he stops so suddenly when he's got me going, it's like he has to start the engine up all over again. I'll do anything I can to try and get out of having sex with him. I know he is on anti-depressents which he says is making his lumbedo pretty much non existant, but now he is on this new stuff and he's really upset that I have yet to have sex with him and try out this new drug. I told him that it isn't that I don't want to have sex with him and try out this new pill, it's that I don't want to find out that it really isn't the pills at all. I guess I am just afraid to admit that he is really bad in bed.
Your probably thinking, "how the hell could you marry this guy and not know he was bad in bed." Well, we were having really great sex when the relationship was fresh and new. But now that these sexual "mess-ups" have been coming up I am getting less sexually turned on. I suppose me not being turned on could be a reason that the sex has been really down hill, but I am one of those people who get dissapointed pretty easily. When I can tell that he wants to be intimate, I try my hardest to be the least attractive to him that I possibly can so that we don't have to have sex, not because I don't want it, but because I don't want that feeling of being disapointed.
To make him feel better I told him that we could try having sex on these new pills of his but not to make anything too romantic because that sets the stakes too high. If we set the mood for sex then it will be 10 times more disapointing when he doesn't come through for me.
All bad excuses my ddar. Go talk to a sex therapist - for the sake of your marriage.
As a guy, I don't see the problem!
Just kidding! I seriously do think that a therapist's intervention is called for here. I don't see how the two of you working alone-- so to speak-- can solve this.
I have thought about a sex therapist, has anyone been to one? anyone know how it works or what exactly goes on during a session? I am a little afraid to go to one because I am kind of a shy private person and telling a complete stranger my very very personal secrets would be new and possibly hard for me to get through. Thank God for annonymous chat forums
Aw, poor kitkat. Sorry; sympathy with out help. . . .
kitkat, It's understandable how you must feel at your young age, but believe me that your problem needs intervention by a professional. You need to go alone or with you and your husband.
When we have physical ailment, we go see a doctor, because we know they can help us. We don't try to cure ourselves, because most of us are incapable of treating ourselves.
If we have a mental disorder, we go see a psychologist or psychiatirst.
There's nothing wrong with seeing an expert when we need help. It's really foolish not to seek help when we need it.
Your physical and mental health is important to you and your husband. Marriage means to help each other with each other's problems. It doesn't mean an excuse to end a marriage. You must learn to share your problems with your husband, and to seek help when needed. That's how marriages become stronger. You'll always know you'll be there for each other.
Please go seek help from an expert.
Sounds like some serious communication issues too. Start-stop doesn't get it for you? Tell him... and then tell him what does. Anyone with a television knows artificial wood is easy to come by, so it sounds like you just need to teach him what to do with it. Denying a partner's sexual needs is the surest way to drive him to someone else, so that's no solution at all.
Anti-depressants? Perhaps a healthy sex life would eliminate the need for those, too. Why not approach it from a mutual improvement angle? Ask him what he likes and doesn't and go out of your way to please him... instead of projecting that it's a chore. Tell him what rings your bell, and guide him as much as is necessary. Sex works best when both parties care more about their partner's enjoyment, so from what you've said, you deserve a fair share of the blame. Communication is paramount in overcoming any partnership problem, so get on it before it's too late.
I wouldn't be surprised to hear the bedroom issue is more a symptom of a larger issue, than it is the issue itself.(?)
If it was me, and there were no kids, I would not bother with therapists for something so ingrained, unless there were other REALY GOOD reasons to stay, I'd blow that Popsicle stand and find a new container of Hagen Das baby!
Anti depressants normally have a terrible effect on male sexual performance. But they normally delay ejaculation. That doesn't sound like a problem here. Therapy definitely
OCCOM BILL wrote:
Anti-depressants? Perhaps a healthy sex life would eliminate the need for those, too.
Unfortunatly he had to go on them last year because apparently depression runs in his family and the therapist we went to told him he should go on it.
Has he seen a psychiatrist?
Yeeks woman. If I were in your hubby's shoes I might be acting a little bit the same way. Actually, I'm more of a jerk, so I'd probably refuse to satify you under that pressure when I am depressed!
You have a depressed hubby on meds.
Do you love this guy and want this marriage to work? Maybe I'm out to lunch, but shouldn't the health and welfare of your hubby be a large priority here?
Great sex can come once the two of you are healthy and showing compassion for each others needs. Therapy and a lot of talking and kindness could not hurt IMO.
I've never seen any scientific third party unbiased truly long term studies on the efficacy of couple therapy being any better or even as good as simple chance, or going for regular walks, or taking regular holidays or talking to friends.
Kitkat_bar your hubby's problems are beyond the norm! It's not going to get better, it's going to get worse.
Paying big bucks to talk to a so-called "expert" is not going to change anything.
If you think the marriage is worthwhile to you, but don't mesh with him sexually, perhaps seek sex outside of marriage?
Yes..I know I know..that's horrible, right? totally taboo, wrong, morally reprehensible..blah blah blah...
But all that nonsense aside, what he doesn't know won't hurt him.
God how does Chumly consistently come up with the worst possible relationship advice?
Occom Bill and Flushd said what I thought...
*raises an eyebrow*
Am I the only one who thinks Kitkat_bar needs meds as much as her husband?
KittKat
Considering the other thread you have going....and the fact that the problems are even worse in both the sexual arena and other relationship areas as when you were posting here a few months back...
You really gotta ask yourself......Is this all worth it.
Think about it for a second before you give the automatic "But I LOVE him" thing....
Back then you were posting about sex problems, problems with deciding to have children at some unforseeable time in the future, his rudeness, and other stuff I can't remember right now.
What has changed in the last few months?
Is it better or worse?
You ask in the other thread you've got going if it's a bad thing to want to change your husband...Would you want him to change YOU?
I think if you really examine your relationship with him pre-marriage, you would see all the same behaviors both of you are exhibiting now.
The object of marriage is not to find someone and change them. It's to find someone you are already compatible with, so you start off on the same road together, with a common goal.
This is the first time I have noticed your signature, Chai Tea. That is some damn funny stuff.
nimh wrote:God how does Chumly consistently come up with the worst possible relationship advice?
Occom Bill and Flushd said what I thought...
I don't know, I wonder about that myself, I am very much a fine man in person though!
Brutal honesty?
Inherent Devilishness?
Pragmatic foresight?
UFO's?
Ya gotta watch those Rabbi's
there're getting as bad as the Pentacostals
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