whats normal behaviour

Forums: Relationships
Email this Topic • Print this Page

my wife is leaving after 20 years together and 2 children and an 8 week affaire. simple you would think except i don't understand why since telling me last week she rings me every day, wants a hug and a kiss when she leaves the house doesn't want to tell our kids for 3-6 months and says that the arrangements for the house can wait until then as well. she's away with work for this period.
she will say that she loves me but is not in love with me, that i'm her best friend and she trusts me more then anyone else despite what she,s done.
she would be a very family orientated girl but has ignored her family and close friends for the last while.
she will definatley not be moving to the new mans country and has no plans as to where she will live after 3 months.
she did exactly the same 5 years except for the affair and only told me the other day that was a stress reaction (high stress in work all the time) but that this wasn't. we had just remodeled the home that was her pride and joy and now she says that she has no emotional attachment to it.we also booked a holiday that she won't cancel in case i want to go on it alone. if this is normal behavior please tell me and i can get a handle on it.

Topic Stats
Top Replies
Link to this Topic

Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 1,339 • Replies: 32

No top replies

It's hard to say what is "normal" when someone is leaving a marriage such as yours.

She sounds perhaps as though she has made up her mind and wants you to tell her it's okay (asking for you to hug and kiss her is strange, I think, and not fair if she's saying "I'm going" and the affection makes you wish for something different), absolve her of the guilt.

She may also be hedging her bets with you - after all, she had a need to be free 5 years ago and you worked it out, and now she wants to be free to enjoy the new relationship while she's heavy into work.

The problem with her thinking is that it's not just she who is affected, and she will have to deal with that reality at some point.

What are your responses to her actions?

0 Replies

to be honest i don'T have a reply. i haven't seen much of her this week as she is away. she rings me every day but we don't get into heavy conversations as it's uncomfortable on the phone. i know the logical thing to do is to put her out bag and baggage but as stupid as it sounds except for her actions now we are unable to hurt eachother.
the 3 months away starts this weekend and then she's gone. he's telling his wife and kids then as well.
i really don't know what to do. the 5 years have been great and there was no signs of this coming.

0 Replies

I'm with mystery girl, your wife is hedging her bets. And, dollars to doughnuts, she's ashamed of her actions, even if she does not vocalize this or even feel it consciously. Consider what's going on:

Quote:

* she rings me every day Sounds like what husbands and wives do; if she wanted out completely, she would not be doing this unless she wanted something out of it. Does she?
* wants a hug and a kiss when she leaves the house Ai yi yi well this just messes with your head. Have you ever tried to refuse this treatment and see what happens if you do?
* doesn't want to tell our kids for 3-6 months How young are your kids? Will 3 - 6 months make a damned bit of difference? I can (almost) see waiting until summer vacation, but any child over the age of about 4 will be perceptive enough to figure out that something is not quite right -- and most really, really resent the deception once they find out.
* says that the arrangements for the house can wait until then as well So she's not going to be proactive at all. Does she think these things resolve themselves? It takes a while to get a house in shape for a sale and then sold, even in a neighborhood that's in high demand. Is she, perhaps, hoping that will the passage of enough time, that something earth-shaking will happen that will change her mind?
* she will say that she loves me but is not in love with me If I only had a dollar for every time I've read that on this site from people who are leaving their spouses, or who are being left. What this essentially means is that the initial spark is not there, the chemical madness that comes with first falling in love. Well, that's normal, you've been together a long time, and love changes. This doesn't mean it's not love any more.
* i'm her best friend Then why is she treating her friend so shabbily?
* she trusts me more then anyone else despite what she,s done. Well, that's nice, but she's hardly done anything trustworthy in return.
...
* she will definatley not be moving to the new mans country Whoa. So she had an affair with a guy from, let's say, Lithuania, and he's back there, I assume, and this is enough for her to leave you? I gotta say, and I'm sorry if it's cruel, but this is an incredibly dumb move on her part. Even if the affair is over, why would anyone break their marriage vows over someone who wasn't going to hang around anyway? This sounds like a need for quick thrills, I dunno. But definitely not a smart move on her part. What if -- God forbid -- she had gotten pregnant or contracted an STD from this charmer? How do you go after this Lithuanian guy for child support or to at least contact him if it turns out he's carrying herpes or HIV?
* has no plans as to where she will live after 3 months. For someone wed for 20 years, so I assume she is, at absolute minimum, 36 years old, and more likely to be closer to 50, this is an incredibly short-sighted thing to be doing. Is she hoping for you (or the other guy) to suddenly swoop down with a miracle?
* we also booked a holiday that she won't cancel in case i want to go on it alone. Well, a holiday for two can usually be partly cancelled, e. g. one ticket is returned or a double occupancy room reservation is changed to single occupancy, or a larger reserved rental car is changed for a rental car reservation for a smaller car. But that doesn't seem to be the case, at least not how I'm reading this. Hence, to me, it seems she's thinking about perhaps going on that trip. Hmm.

Interesting statement here:

Quote:

she would be a very family orientated girl but has ignored her family and close friends for the last while.

People who suddenly lose interest in things that they normally enjoy are possibly suffering from depression. Will your wife go to counseling? Have you asked? Even if she says no, I mean, if this were my marriage I would at least ask, at least try. Hey, you've got nothing to lose. Your wife already admits/uses as an excuse that this was a stress response. She may be more open to treatment than you think -- and treatment does not have to mean drugs, it can be just talking, particularly so that she can find out why her response to stress is to pull away that completely and into a life that is anything but a step up from her current situation.

0 Replies

greg1 wrote:

to be honest i don'T have a reply. i haven't seen much of her this week as she is away. she rings me every day but we don't get into heavy conversations as it's uncomfortable on the phone. i know the logical thing to do is to put her out bag and baggage but as stupid as it sounds except for her actions now we are unable to hurt eachother.
the 3 months away starts this weekend and then she's gone. he's telling his wife and kids then as well.
i really don't know what to do. the 5 years have been great and there was no signs of this coming.

Well, I have to say, as someone who's done the leaving before (though not for another person in particular), she's leaving you with a lot to handle on your own: kids, home, emotional aftermath of hearing her "news." That is rough on you, and no, it's not "normal."

Well, it does sound as though she's made up her mind and left you with a bunch of processing to do. Do some reading on divorce, custody, property division, and - very importantly - the emotional parts of going through a divorce. Do you have friends/family/others you can lean on?

Has she stated what she wants about the children and the house? No matter how wrecked you may feel, you need to remember that the children are the most important thing in the world, so protect them. I hope she knows that, too.

0 Replies

i wondered about depression, some members of her family do suffer. her brother is about to announce that he was abused as a child and she won't talk about it and can't even tell you who told her about it.
i am aware that i am in danger of seeing want i want to see in this situation. i've suggested counselling for herself and she says she will go if she needs it. could depression account for actions. it would possible change my future actions if that was the case. she is normaly the least depressed person i know.
thanks for your speedy and clever comments.

0 Replies

sorry Jespah. to answer your questions the kids are 12 & 3
the house won'Tbe sold i'm staying here.

0 Replies

greg1 wrote:

sorry Jespah. to answer your questions the kids are 12 & 3
the house won'Tbe sold i'm staying here.

Has she agreed that you will stay in the house? Will you buy her out? Is she leaving the kids, too? Or will she want them to go with her? There are some big questions to be resolved here.

Do you know how the affair started? Or has she said why she was open to it? And she never expressed any issues with your marriage in the last 5 years?

I'm most worried about how you are supposed to hold yourself together and manage the children on your own while she has dumped this on you and is off (with her lover?) for 3 months.

Don't put too much stock in the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" comments. That's likely guilt talking, but whatever it is, don't mistake it for hope.

0 Replies

yes it's agreed that i would stay in the house
the affaire is with a guy from work who she met in november
we've had a brilliant 5 years the best yet.i have thought hard about this and the only dispute over the last 5 years was about her work load. this week she said that the happyist time ever was when she was at home for 4 months when our 3 year old was born. she is the main breadwinner and she felt she needed to keep bringing home the money.
i'm not alone we have many good friends and family most of which she isn't contacting.
the lover won't be in the same country as her (on a full time basis anyway)
she wants to take the 3 year old now as the12 year old has school here for the next 4 months.

0 Replies

I think she doesn't really know what she wants, and is trying to disguise her guilt by remaining on hug-and-kiss terms with you.

In fact, it sounds as though she wants it both ways.

0 Replies

greg1 wrote:

yes it's agreed that i would stay in the house
the affaire is with a guy from work who she met in november
we've had a brilliant 5 years the best yet.i have thought hard about this and the only dispute over the last 5 years was about her work load. this week she said that the happyist time ever was when she was at home for 4 months when our 3 year old was born. she is the main breadwinner and she felt she needed to keep bringing home the money.
i'm not alone we have many good friends and family most of which she isn't contacting.
the lover won't be in the same country as her (on a full time basis anyway)
she wants to take the 3 year old now as the12 year old has school here for the next 4 months.

Separate the children? Is anyone thinking about doing what is best for them, rather than for the adults concerned? Kids are resilient, but they aren't superheroes. Will the older go with her then, after school is over? Are you willing to do that? Why?

In any event, back to what's between you two - what she is saying makes no sense. Clearly she was unhappy at some level or she wouldn't have gotten involved or taken it to the level of an actual affair. ...Then again, a lot of times what happens is the love and the commitment disappear over time, while we're having children, or remodeling a house, or doing all the stuff that seems happy and normal but may actually also have had the effect of letting us ignore what was happening to the relationship.

Can you afford the house on your own?

0 Replies

She's leaving, you keep the kids.

0 Replies

both ways ain't goin to happen.
why disguise guilt if she has told me anything i needed to know?
why would she avoid talking with friends and family that she shares all with? this is a real extended family type of girl.
why not just go if she's gettin what she wants ( a new man a new start a new home) Woman: can't live with them' can't kill them.

0 Replies

greg1 wrote:

both ways ain't goin to happen.
why disguise guilt if she has told me anything i needed to know?
why would she avoid talking with friends and family that she shares all with? this is a real extended family type of girl.
why not just go if she's gettin what she wants ( a new man a new start a new home) Woman: can't live with them' can't kill them.

I don't follow your first two sentences.

But as for why she's not talking with family - a couple of easy reasons: guilt, and the desire not to be chastised. Sorry, but she is clearly someone who doesn't want to be given any grief or be asked to explain herself. She tells you this right before she will be unavailable for months, and she's not volunteering it to her family. On the one hand, I understand this: it's in her mind a private, personal matter. But on the other, it's because she might get people telling her she was doing wrong, possibly doing harm and needs to stop and think...and she's made up her mind.

and what do you mean, why not just go? She is, isn't she?

0 Replies

she wants to take the older one in the summer. we are in a position to share both kids fairly evenly depepending on where she finally settles. i suggested an area closer to home and she seems to think it would be more suitable we will do whatever we have to for the kids thats a given.

0 Replies

she is going but could have went anytime since telling me.
she wants to come back (not this House particulary} on weekends and to come home for my birthday next month. when i said just go i also meant why phone etc. i know i sound sural but this is were we are.

0 Replies

she has told her family and her sister who would support no matter what she did hasn't been told any more then the bear mimimum. this sister would have expected to have been told everything there very close

0 Replies

have to go now living in ireland getting late.
thanks to all views. look forward to more they will all help to to decide what to do next. nice to know people are willing to give up their time to help a stranger.

0 Replies

greg1 wrote:

her brother is about to announce that he was abused as a child and she won't talk about it and can't even tell you who told her about it.

This jumps out at me as being potentially significant. Who was he abused by? Someone outside of the family or within it?

0 Replies

That's what I thought Soz. That's a pretty big thing.

Your wife is acting coo-coo for cocoa puffs. Very odd behavior, and confusing. My first instinct is that something BIG is going on with her; that she is just figuring out herself/maybe still confused about/in denial.

I don't know, this is just my sense. She is sending you messages from every which angle: I am leaving. (But she calls and left reservations for the trip open in case). etc. Well, yu know.

You may need to take the reigns. She seems out of control, and not exactly in the best state of mind or behavior to be making major decisions which will affect your self, your home, your kids, your life.

But my senses definetly went where Soz honed in first.

0 Replies

whats normal behaviour

Related Topics

Quick Links

My Account

able2know