whats normal behaviour

the abuser was a family friend. i've never met him he seems to have stopped visiting around the time (it's 25 years ago) her brother thinks that her father is in someway to blame as the guy was his friend. she and her father are the closest two in the family.it's a big leap to think that what could be a marriage breakup could be something more sinister don't you think? even though i can't stress enough that all the people who know us well and myself would say that we were very happy. every thing about this situation is out of caracter. she was a loving caring wife and mother. we had a good time and were incapable of hurting each other.the feeling among friends is that something has clicked in her head and she wants to run away from it. i just don't know what to do about it. i feel that if she goes away she will get the time alone to figure it out without my interference. she is a clever girl normally.

She's definitely running from something.

Here in the US, if a marriage split up and one of the parents was going to leave the country for an unstable living situation, it's more or less a given that that person would not get sole or primary custody of a child, particularly not to split up siblings, unless the other parent were proven to be grossly unfit (abuser, in jail, charged with neglect, that sort of thing).

I think it's time to talk to a solicitor, at least to explore your options. Even if you don't want a divorce, it seems that it may be getting thrust upon you and, at minium, your kids have to come first and plans have to be made for them.

I also think your wife is in deep, deep denial. About her feelings for you. About whether her affair is something worth turning everyone's life upside down for. About how easy it'll be to move out and start over with no plans (it ain't easy by any means). About how everyone will just "accept" everything without question. About how her withholding of information will go over with people who she's supposed to be close to.

Something's very, very rotten here. Whether it's related to the abuse incident or not, it's big and it's potentially a major problem for your children. They need their mother to be a stable, caring influence in their lives, whether or not you two remain married, not some flake who leaves the country at the drop of a hat for some dude she's known for less than a year and cheated on you with (bad grammar, but you know what I mean).

Get thee to a solicitor. Find out your rights. Get thee to a counselor, even if your wife won't go, at least you can go on your own. Find out what can and should be done for your children. And find out how to protect and look out for yourself. Your wife isn't doing you any favors. I'm sorry, but despite her best efforts to sweep this all under the rug and turn it into her just effortlessly changing partners, it's just not going to be that way. It doesn't have to be fully adversarial but someone has to be the grownup and someone has to take a stand for the children. It's clearly not going to be her, so it falls to you. And you can do it.

Jespah
your a clever kind woman you make great sense. i have been to a counselor and i will be alright. i know that we will do right by our kids
she said she is not thinking of a legal separation or divorce. she hasn't even removed her wedding ring as yet.
i have a fear that if i put extra pressure on her now she will react badly. outwardly at the moment she seems cold and clinical about the separation thats not her. she refuses to talk to her nearest and dearest about it saying she is going and thats it.
for the record hes not going with her. the move is for her work and he may join her at a later time but not now it this info makes any difference.

why deny something that you created? she has the change of feelings.
is she running from a mistake?
can she see no other way out of this situation? if so why contact me every day to chat to be normal?

"She's not thinking of a legal separation or divorce" but she's leaving you?

What kind of thinking is that?

You have to get some kind of legal clarification for the children's sake.

What I was wondering about the abuse was whether maybe the fact that her brother is making an announcement has forced her to confront abuse in her own background. That exact situation happened to a friend of mine -- a cousin came forward with criminal abuse allegations (like, he didn't just say it, but was bringing charges against the abuser) and that brought all of her own abuse by the same person to the surface. She was an absolute wreck for a few months, and then took another year or so to gain some equilibrium.

That's a good point. Something is bringing on this, er, for lack of a better expression, wackiness.

One step forward (moving), two steps backward (calling you, kissing you, etc.). One step forward (affair), two steps backward (doesn't say she wants a separation, doesn't seem to be pushing for that). This kind of individual cha-cha has gotta be crazy-making for you.

Anyway, ack, the office wants me to actually do some work today.

happy st. patricks day from Ireland.
She's going today. she had a good chat with a friend of ours last night and said that she is mad about the new guy but her plan is to move to somewhere in ireland so that we can both have easy access to our kids.
she says that even if he hadn'd have turned up she would have left. her friend seems to think that she is happy with her decision and we should just move on.

Best to you, this can't be an easy day. Here's a topic on Irish poetry: http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=70842

Hope this is of comfort to you.

well she's gone. we had a small talk yesterday before she left. she said that the excitement had gone, that i had gotten old before my time. i told her that i had to be home and perhaps a bit boring as i was the one taking care of the kids while she went off for days on end with work. i had to be mother.
at least she now is going to buy a house in ireland as she wants the kids to have easy access to both of us. she will do that. the strangest thing she said is that she believes that couples who love each other must break up all the time. i think that she knows that it's her that has the problem it's her that has missed out on the kids growing up. i think thats why she wants me to stay in the family home where the easier thing would be for me to get a smaller place for myself. or maybe I know nothing.

Hello, greg1.

I saw your thread on the medical board and came over here to see what's been going on. I'll try to answer both posts here.

First, I'm sorry to see what you are going through. I know it can't be easy.

Yes, certainly, your wife might be depressed. Or, she simply might not want to get unsolicited feedback from those who have two-cents to give and has closed up during this time of transition. I see above that she finally reached out to one particular friend, that seems to be a good sign for her.

A few things in your posts caught my attention. One is that there was an affair five years ago and the relationship apparently recovered from it. Was he a work associate as well? Another was the stress her work brought into your relationship even after the affair.

As someone who once was the leaver in a relationship, I can relate to the work issues. I too was in a high-pressured job that required extra long work days and dedication after hours. My work seemed to be my life. Then I divorced and the same job didn't seem to require so much of my effort. What I ultimately came to realise is that I was using my work as an excuse to avoid my marriage. She seems to have found the time to devote her energies to someone else. If she is like I was, she might not realise she's been avoiding you all this time.

I hear your pain, and feel bad that you are suffering. Take gentle care of your own needs and those of your children. Something tells me the issue with her brother is not playing much in her decision and that she will be fine. You, on the other hand, could use a good friend.

five years ago there was no affair it was pure stress and by her own admission she never really got a grip on the work thing. apart from leaving there are some other odd things like joining three clubs since christmas and not attending them more then once.like missing a plane by staying in bed and missing two meetings that were in other countrys.
the other guy lives forgine and she is moving back here soon he isn't. she doesn't seem to care that he can't move here.

i don't know about the effects of the brother issue. i have plenty of friends around and will be fine thanks

Dump the bitch and move on as quickly as possible. Then hire a good lawyer and make sure you get everything you legally deserve.

These are things I wish I had done long ago and lived to regret that I hadn't.