Life: Looking Back, Looking Forward

There is no way to put ten thumbs up on Hawks answer, but I agree I would never send a note like that. If you wanted to take that burn all the bridges, take no prisoners approach, it should be done in private through clenched teeth. There should certainly be no documentation to show everyone else that you've gone nuclear.

Phone call? The relative is unlikely to record it, especially if she's an elderly lady.

I originally suggested e-mail because that gives Lash the most control over what she's saying. But I agree that hawkeye and roger make good points about the risks of email.

If Lash chooses a phone call or some form of personal encounter, let me repeat that her general theme should be to correct the relative's behavior and nothing else. In particular, Lash shouldn't let anyone tempt her into a discussion on whether the relative did it on purpose or not. Lash can't win this discussion if her fiance thinks it was an accident. He knows the relative longer and better than Lash does. And what's more, it doesn't make a big difference if she did it on purpose, anyway. Purpose or accident, it's unacceptable for Lash to have her picture taken. That should be the focus of the conversation.

Ok, another suggested approach. Phone or in person the best, email ok.

Lash: You know, that photo you took of me at the beach really makes me uncomfortable, especially being on the Internet. Could you take it down?

In-Law: It's not a big deal, just family. Lighten up!

Lash: I've mentioned how I feel about pictures and it really bothers me. Could you take it down?

In-Law: Don't you want to be in the family pictures?

Lash: I really don't like pictures of me floating around. Could you take it down? (Repeat with subtle variations until...)

In-Law: Ok, if it really bothers you that much. (Win)

or

In-Law: You know, these are my pictures taken on a public beach and the Supreme Court says you have no rights here. (At least there is no question on where you stand.)

Ha! Yes, a phone call makes the most sense. ("How to speak to someone, briefly, but not in front of other people, and voice not text.... hmmm.... very tricky...")

I do agree that the motivations part is quicksandy.

I guess I’d probably try to let it die a natural death. You’ve already addressed the issue with her and she’s offered her lame excuses. In that case, what more is there to say, really? She won’t even admit it. How do you properly debrief that? Anything more fuels the fire and frankly I think it a waste of effort. For civility’s sake, I’d simply try to keep a polite distance on those occasions where our paths crossed in future.

I think the real issue here is Lash' fiance and his loyalty to this particular relative.
As engineer said, he's having her (Lash) hang dry. It's his family and if anything he should protect Lash as she's the new kid on the block.

This is a prime example of how other conflicts may be handled in the future,
and as it is with any in-laws there are always problems down the road and Lash
should be certain that he's got her back covered.

I also agree with Joeblow, I would not deliberately go out of my way to
address this relative, but I definitely would keep my distance.

this can't be said often enough or strongly enough

I wouldn't put money on this one.

I pretty much disagree with this...there is a lot of history and threads of loyalty in a functioning family that a new member does not know about. And maybe the new hubby is not the confrontational type, so expecting him to do battle for Lash, quite possibly to his potential detriment of standing with-in the family, is not a shoe in......not this early, and over a pic. I think Lash should attempt to do her own work, and if she does not reach an outcome that she can deal will only then considering calling in her knight. I certainly will not join you in slamming the husband for asking lash to try to work it out, for not jumping in and doing it himself.

when Lady Diane and I first "got together" her close friend/relative/cousin told her (lady Diane) that she didn't approve of our relationship because (1) I was an atheist (2) we weren't "married." Lady Diane made it very clear that her cousin's opinion was not acceptable and Lady Diane went on to explain that our relationship was far more important than her cousin's opinion of me. This "difficulty" continued for the past 7 years until just this past summer when the cousin visited us for the first time and decided to accept the validity of our relationship.

CONGRATULATIONS!

Well, you have to admit it is an impossible relationship. You're an atheist. Di is an agnostic. How would you decide which religion not to bring your children up in?

(Yes, I stole that from Woody Allen.)

Exactly that's how it should be!! When you're in a close relationship with
your significant other, your loyalty is to this person and not to cousin A, or
twice removed cousin B, or even to mother-in-laws who can be perfectly
b#$&#es when it comes to sharing their beloved child.

This is wrong on so many levels, I don't even know where to begin...

We have loyalties to both the spouse and the wider family....unlike with the spouse, we know that the family is never going to leave us, which must be factored in to our behaviour. If push comes to shove and their is a war between the family and the spouse we must take our spouses side or else end the relationship, but our spouse has an obligation to do what they can to see that we dont get put into that situation.

Hawk - I did take away some things of value from what you had to say; although I disagreed with your reasoning on a few things. I think if you leave a new or potential partner swinging in the wind - it bodes very badly for the marriage. I think a united front is necessary, but i agree with you that partners should attempt not to put each other in the position of having to go to bat for them if it's possible. Obviously, when she defied my expressed request not to take pictures of me - and compounded that with my situation (practically naked and stealth-photographed), it became a serious respect issue. Forget pictures - it's the principle. The other thing is - you said don't make a big deal out of the first infraction. Trust me - this is NOT the first. It's just the worst.

I think the chicks (soz, Beth, CJ, Joeblow, etc) know that this is a lob over my bow by the close female relative in Round Two of our boundary positioning. I entered my relationship with this woman - and the rest of the family - knowing that I'd have some skirmishes. She's quite strong-willed and outspoken - like me - and I told her that I desire warm, loving relationships with all of them - and that she and I had strong personalities that may bring us some initial discomfort, but that I believed we'd get through it and wind up genuinely close friends. Since then, I've looked the other way or adjusted about a MYRIAD of things she's done - but forgave and tried to move forward. She may also think she's put up with some crap from me.

For example, we only have two dining chairs at our bistro dining table - and as is my custom, I gave the chairs to my fiance and her when she visited - and stood at the end of the table. She kept insisting that she stand rather than me - and my protestations began with smiles and thanks, but I was firm. She finally grabbed my plate, and I had to grab it and say, "Why are you taking my plate? Please let go of my plate." I would've wound up in the floor with her before I let her dominate me in my home. THAT may be immature, but this is the kind of woman who will take the smallest concession like a saddle and spurs. I will never put myself in that position - with any woman - or man for that matter.

Everyone including my fiance has prickly, damaged relations with her - because of her bossiness, controlling personality, and extreme immaturity - but I was willing to avail myself more with her. If she hadn't done it, we'd be well on our way to establishing a healthy relationship. We'd made our way through a lot of crap during her visit. She attempted to push on my boundaries during a two week stay, but I was comfortable that I held my ground. Obviously, it was too much for her and she felt she had to give me a parting jab. I think the ruling is: below the belt.

Anyway, Fiance answered one of her emails telling her I wasn't talking to her because she "uploaded a picture" I "didn't approve of." So, now I look small and stupid - and she is again feigning innocence and distress. I guess it's possible she may use this as a reason to give me distance - which is fine with me. Please throw me into THAT briar patch!

Of course, I explained in graphic detail to my fiance that is was much more than that to me. He says he understands, though I don't think he does. He's never been married and says he has no idea how to respond to things like this. He says he told her, so she'd have an idea of how to make amends, so we can get over this. I maintain she knew exactly what she did, and that his "well-intentioned missive" felt like a big betrayal to me.

Will just sit here, and watch the wheels go round and round for a while. I love him, and I hate being part of this stupid ****.

Thanks, everyone. Made me feel much better to have opinions of people I respect.

U-oh. Are you sure he gets that which part of the story you disapprove of?

Edit: You're not. I should have read the next paragraph before commenting.

My Mom has passed but she generally got along very poorly with women in the family. She did not like either the woman I or my brother chose, and made this very clear over years in multiple passive aggressive behind the back blackmailing ways. My brother and I handled it differently, I was more accommodating and requested my wife make a effort to deal with her herself..I told my mom that she was out of line and I explained to my wife that this woman has had a hard life (dad was an abusive alcoholic) and there are reasons she is the way that she is. My brother told my mom in no uncertain terms that if she ever acted disrespectful towards his wife in his or her presence again she would never be invited back to their house, and he would avoid her. There were pro's and con's to each approach, neither fully worked, even after 20+ years of trying.

The one thing that I am sure about is that his wife made the better choice, because she stood up for herself always, where as my wife kept insisting that it was my problem to fix, not hers, since she was my mom.

Thanks for sharing. One of the reasons I have tried as much as I have is the same reason you allude to. One day, she'll die if we don't first. They have a pretty tortured relationship, and I didn't mind trying to be a buffer, so he wouldn't have such deep regrets if she precedes us in death. I do generally handle my own shite, but if it comes to it - I expect a back up. I have to say - he has done really wonderfully up to this point.

(smiling) I'm walking away a bit renewed, Hawk. Thanks for reminding me why I'm knee deep in crap right now. haha I'll let some time pass and try again. I do reserve the right to opt out with her - but I remember my motivation. He's worth it...for one more try.

I know. It seems they/he can't get over the seemingly harmless photo aspect of it. He gives lip service to it - but I'm sure he's thinking "I thought she was a Pick Your Battles type of girl..."