Life: Looking Back, Looking Forward

...if and when she apologizes and promises not to do it again...

Lash. there are so many good posts that I have little to add except that your fiance should most definitely stand up for you. I know you wouldn't want him to come running to your side with sword in hand, but he can talk to her gently, telling his cousin that you are his love and he is hurt when he sees you hurt.

A simple explanaion with no recriminations would let her know that he is deeply in love with you, but that he still cares for his cousin.

I really worry about years from now. Apparently, his family surrounds the two of you. You, as far as I know, have no family out there. He has to know that you are a stand-up, independent woman, but there are times when support is vital to a relationship and this is one of those times.

We all care for you too, but we can't give you the real life support you need from your fiance.

Forgive my bluntness.

Hi Lash.
Good to see you again. I'm sorry about the circumstances.
You've received some really thoughtful feedback here already & I can't say much that others haven't already said.
Can I just say that I endorse Diane's comment (above).
A lot of pressure in this situation would be removed from you if your partner was more supportive of your valid concerns. I really hope that happens.
Very best of luck to you in resolving this.

Hi Lash, interesting thread and I just read the last few pages. I do remember when you started it a while back. I used to be Tex Star, then was Sun Lover and I knew you as Lash Goth and couple other names.

Just would like to say, based on my own experience with this sort of person, that she is testing you. What you could do is make a very short but very clever remark to her, maybe every time you see her. Anything that will just leave her standing there with her mouth open. This will bring your fiance around. Men are funny that way. They want you to stick up for yourself, then they will stick up for you.

I firmly believe, and have every faith, that you-of-all-people can find something clever that will just put this in-law in her place without insulting her. What a thing to do, publish that picture of you. I think you show much restraint.

Yep, modulated response, too strong is as bad as too weak.

I call bull crap.

He's an adult.

Has he never been in an academic, professional or romantic partnership to this point of time?

If he doesn't understand respecting his partner - and expecting respect for his partner from others - well, you've got a bigger problem than his relative.

I understand that he wants you to handle your own relationships. I hope he understands that part of being in a relationship is having each other's backs.

Both of my grandmothers tried to teach me that your life partner came before anything - before children, before family - before anything. I never agreed completely - but I do believe that both parties have to contribute 75%.

sounds like a united front by your brother and his wife

On the contrary, dear! The support I got here was vitally necessary for me. He fulfills one role in my life, but we all need respected friends to steer us, tell us when we blow, or reassure us that our instincts are correct. I am so grateful for the wonderful people who helped me get through this. Sometimes I can get so embroiled in a quagmire that I need a fresh set of eyes. The wonderful chicks (and guys) here never let me down.

I would like to clarify that he has supported me beautifully up to this snafu. We discussed it, and I feel we're closer than previously. Do I think privately he thinks I'm being a bit ridiculous about pictures? Yeah. But he did what I needed him to do - we worked out an issue in a way that we both needed - and our relationship grew in a healthy direction.

I'm smiling today in large part because of A2K.

(btw - I wish it WAS just a cousin...)

Always nice to see you.

TEXSTAR! Hey! Thanks for chiming in.

I know you are right about her testing me. We've been doing that wary circling thing for a couple of months - and up until this last sally from her - I thought we were progressing pretty well. The reason it was an issue that I brought here is that I was so insulted at her nerve to stoop so low, I was ready never to speak to her again....but my fiance was really sad about it.

She has put him in the position of having to choose sides, and he's always chosen my side... I was thrilled at how he would turn her right around to me when she tried to "go over my head" to him. This time, I think the problem is that he thought I was being stupid over a picture - so he it was hard for him to keep a straight face defending me.

hahaha... I appreciate your kind words and confidence. We have it worked out for now... I am going to have to meditate like hell before I see her again.

I should speak more clearly. He'd already beautifully deflected a couple of her attempts to separate and conquer. She went to him about something she and I disagreed about - and he sent her right back to me. I was so thankful to see how loyal he was in this type of situation.

It's just this last thing that stumbled him. She's sending notes asking why we're not talking to her - and I told him. He felt sad for her, imagining she had no idea what she'd done, and sent her a note without telling me. I was in full angst howl.

But, we talked about it - cleared the air - and I signed on for not shutting her out over this. I can't imagine trusting her or being as close as we might have been, but after a cooling off period, I'll likely give it another try.

I think this was a good growth experience for Fiance and me.

...and thank you so much for letting me hear your thoughts.

This is probably his idea of standing up for you.

That's certainly how HE saw it. This little adventure has been a learning curve for both of us.

So, now I have her apology and promise not to repeat sitting in my inbox, and I have to muster the _______ (whatever it is, I haven't figured out how to name it) to write a gracious acknowledgment...devoid of darts. I am SO not good at this.

Brief is good.

Thank you for your note.

the end.



His relationship with her does not mean you need to have her in your life as anything other than an acquaintance. The 1950's are dead and gone.



Thank goodness.

How are you doing with developing your own social circle in your new city?

Are you getting out there - making new friends that are not connected to your partner?

Not even, "Thank you for your note. I accept your apology" ? If the purpose is to move on, why leave the apology hovering out there unaccepted?

I may just do that. Thank you.

Hell no. I just started work, so that gives me some potential social contacts. I'm surprised I've been doing so badly putting roots down. I have a couple of friends about 45 minutes away...I should have called them long before now. I KNOW this is bad. I've been far too dependent on him. I'm sucking the life out of him.

truthfully?

I get a sense from Lash's posts that the woman doesn't understand what she's apologizing for, so it isn't a real apology, sooooooooooo I wouldn't comment on it.

I wouldn't want to do anything other than acknowledge receipt of the correspondence of the note. Wouldn't want to encourage any further exchange. I don't like having people like that in my life.

Don't forget the strong, independent woman he was first attracted to. Don't lose her.

No, actually I would prefer that you lie to me.

Thanks for the explanation, though.