Life: Looking Back, Looking Forward

close as in he likes/loves and respects her?

then you question his choices


close as in they're related?

then he needs to repair it by straightening her ass out about respecting you

Oy I'd be angry too, Lash! Has she apologized to you?
If not, don't even bother to talk to her, if she indeed has apologized and realized
that her nasty prank has caused you great emotional distress, then I eventually would talk to her but would remain very very reserved and distant.

Doesn't your fiancee realize that this woman took the picture and put it on
public display to humiliate you? Why on earth would he ask you to make mends
with her? Let him like her and meet her while you're not around. You don't
have to like every one of the new in-law family just because you happen to like
one of the relatives (your man).

Let me say first Lash that I really think I've seen you blossom over the last couple years. It just seems like you've either gained, or learned to express a whole 'nother level of depth and breadth of feeling. It's kinda cool to see.

Anyhoo,
I really hate situations when it seems to me blaringly evident what the f*ck I might be upset about - and the person involved is either oblivious, or feigning obliviousness. I mean, you and she had prior conversation about your aversion to photos, then she takes, and posts one for others to see?

I would have trouble formulating what to say and how to say it to this person too. I always want to wait, and give myself the opportunity for something other than just my rage to be heard, but then again I want to be true to my whole self, including the things that genuinely anger me.

I generally end up trying to be as reasonable as I can and speak my mind with as little unnecessary drama as possible, and as little bullshyt.

I think you should tell her what it is that she did that offended you. Though I understand you want to avoid becoming the source of family drama, sometimes it might be wise to establish those great boundaries that make great neighbors.

Sending best wishes for a peaceful resolution.....

Oh thank god - Bob made me think I was insane for a minute. I know you'd tell me what you really thought. Thank you so much. I feel a bit less insane.

Yeah - close relative.

EXACTLY! He doesn't seem to want to believe she did it on purpose. There is NO other way to take it. I think his waffling on her behalf has me as upset as what she did, but the lady is older, alone and closely related... and feigning contrition and sadness over it. (grrrr)

She apologized for "forgetting to delete it before uploading," when she never should have taken it in the first place.

Yeah, the reserved and distant thing won't be a put on - It'll be everything I can do to eventually talk to her without gritting my teeth. Thank you so much for your opinion. I was really unsure of myself.

Thanks for being here, Rog. I promise not to break things....or pretend. (muah!)

You exact a promise not to do it again, knowing full well that she probably will, then you let it go. The next time maybe you will not want to let it go. My wife hates being in pics as you do, and my experience is that almost no one gets it, so some give on your part for one transgression is sensible. Especially for family peace and not putting your future husband in a jackpot. Being hard core in this situation has a low probability of a good outcome for you.

Lash, I think there is also some power struggle and jealousy going on. If she wins this one and your fiance is siding with her, you're in for more to come, that's almost a given. Her being alone and closely related, she won't make room for
you without a battle.

EXACTLY!!!

Thanks for the kind words and really good advice. I feel better.

All you sweet people have lowered my blood pressure. I needed somebody to understand.

I do think this was a pointed, calculated jab....and snood's comment about boundaries weighs in. She and I have had other petty fence building...and I think she thought it was her turn to make a move.

There is a territorial uneasiness going on.

Mulling what you've said, too, hawk. Thanks.

even if true the new member of the family is the new member of the family, with all that this entails. Being magnanimous at the first affront is almost always the right move. You get you back up on the second or the fifth if you want supporters on your side. This is not a bunch of guys trying to see who has the biggest dick where not throwing down on the first challenge is a mistake, this is a family trying to see if the new member is sensible and has a desire to fit in. The first challenge you respond by showing that you are, after that if the challenges dont stop THEN you show everyone what you are made of, that you will not be played with.

You must not have any relatives, hawkeye.
In-law families can be vicious and will try anything to run you off the road,
especially the ones who "didn't mean it" and saw it as a "joke". I had a relative
like this, and over the years she got so obnoxious while visiting , that her own son threatened to drive her to the airport en route home....oh what a dragon she was!

Very true, and giving the first attempt a bye thus showing that you dont want to be a prickly bitch is almost always the best move. If the in laws want a showdown the second attempt will not take long to show up.

Keep in mind we are talking about not wanting to be photographed. When my wife says that most people put it down to false modesty, it takes a while for them to get that this really bothers her. Getting a promise to never doing it again drives home the point that this bothers Lash. If it happens again she can be sure that she is being challanged.

A new member of the family creating a Brouhaha over being in a pic without first going the extra mile to avoid a scene does not end well.

Here's a draft for your letter:

Dear Gwynolinda:

I am not talking to you because your behavior towards me leaves me no choice. This seems to be the only way of making sure I never end up in one of your pictures again. I am taking this step after all less drastic approaches have failed. I have asked you not to take my picture. I have repeated my request _____times. And still, you clandestinely took my picture on the beach—topless, no less—and posted it to the family photoalbum site. I don't see how I can trust you anymore, and will therefore remove myself from you to the fullest extent that I can.

Regards,
Lash.
___________

Don't forget to cc your fiancé.

The general policy is to avoid comments about motives, character, or lack thereof. Talk exclusively about her behavior, your behavior, and how the two are connected through cause and effect. Keep the tone as cold as you can. Also, sleep one night before sending that reply email.

WOW. Not only should she not do that, but if she must she should never put it in writing, and should never say it in front of anyone either.

I've been reading everything, and I'm very appreciative of the kind souls who've given this thought and shared opinions with me. Thomas - that was a great kindness, because wording something without really ill will has been impossible. I will sleep on it, and let you know what I do.

Thank you all so much.

I think hawkeye is right about not putting anything in writing, especially email. With a bitch like this, she will forward it to ALL, just before posting it in the family diary.

Ooh tricky.

Especially maddening that your fiance doesn't seem to get why it's so upsetting for you. That does seem to be a big part of the whole thing.

My own instincts run towards "confront and put to bed," but roger does make a great point about not putting things in writing. Of course she could as easily pass on whatever you say, but then it's hearsay. And I can't imagine that someone who has proven herself to be so tonedeaf hasn't stepped on other people's toes as well, so hearsay may well be taken with a grain of salt.

But, the question is when/ how to do that. You wouldn't want to do it at a family gathering sort of thing (spectacle) and I'm not sure getting together for just this one reason is a good idea. The conversation would be short, not worth getting together for even coffee.

Anyway, sympathy for now.

I'm new to the thread, so maybe this opinion is not as valid as those who have been following since the beginning, but for what it is worth, I think you are right to be mad - you expressed your dislike and she disregarded it, but I'm not ready to ascribe hostile motives to the potential in-law. I know people who are camera shy but don't have a problem being in a picture, they just are uncomfortable posing for one. From what you posted, this wasn't so much "I'm going to capture the new love interest and show it to the world" as "the family is at the beach and here are some pictures" with some of the "here's our newest family member" thrown in. Of course from your point of view, you're the new girl and the ex might want to see the picture and make snarky comments, plus you hate pictures anyway. This woman really may not have understood the depth of your feelings. Did she take the photo down after learning you weren't happy with it? That would be a fair request. It would also be fair for your guy to make the request. It's his family and he shouldn't be hanging you out to dry on this one.