Life: Looking Back, Looking Forward

I coulda veiled it, but it gets more difficult with each day past 40.

and dont forget that the man and the woman ideally are complimentary, which means that we do what we can to avoid causing our mates problems, for instance with their families. Not that I think you Lash are doing anything wrong, but I do not think that being defensive and hard nosed is the ideal approach. It is what one does when the better options have not worked.

I look at this from almost completely the opposite perspective. That is, the family has to do whatever it can to avoid causing difficulties between partners. The family has NO place between the partners. The family goes to the outside of the relationship.

Couple first. Couple and kids next. Then supportive family and friends. People who cause problems can find their spots outside of that inner circle.

This is what I'm dealing with. It wasn't an apology of ownership. She avoids responsibility like it would kill her. If it even skirted honesty, I'd accept graciously.

...and you are right on target about losing myself. I'll get busy making my own way now. Having a job and a little income will help a lot.

Job, income, and contacts, all good.

Congrats on the job!

Thank you, dearie!!

Good for you, and encouraging to know for this 41-year-old.

it did sound as if what she was apologizing for was you having a problem

errrrrrrr, that's not actually an apology - but you don't want to point that out and get everyone more aggravated

acknowledge the correspondence

move on with your own life as well as your coupledom - it'll be good for all of you

Good advice. You certainly changed my mind.

I agree with this, only insist that "turn the other cheek" has been attempted.

Turning it one more time...and then, Katie, bar the door...

I really am going to give it one more good try.

After I cool down...

OK, let me take a big swig o' coffee and recount my recent machinations to the Troy soundtrack...

I sent a rather terse note, saying that she was continuing to diregard the issue, and told her to stop contacting me. This miraculously opened her eyes to exactly what she had done and she apologized for taking the picture. I accepted her apology.

I felt sort of mean with the terse reply - but I see it was warranted and effective. I think we understand one another much better. I suggested to my fiance that we visit her for Christmas - and plans are set.

I will be on my best behavior. I really am trying for a peaceful relationship. I just imagine I will be taking lots of LONG walks... haha.

Anyway, thanks for input. This situation really is quite important to me...and I feel I did what I needed to do to avoid future doormat treatment.

I'm going in to her home for the first time, and I hope to model how I expect her to act when she comes back to mine.

An important aside: I got a good dose of what my behavior looks and feels like when my mother (well-meaning, but LOADED with Christian dogma) had a long conversation with my fiance. He was kind and cordial to her, in the face of some unintentionally biting and upsetting Christian rhetoric. It is sad to see your mother trying to get along, but failing miserably for whatever reason - and it is a distinct kindness when your partner rises above it. Their phone conversation has really strengthened my resolve to treat his mom as well as I can.

Still learning.

Troy soundtrack? Blah! I read your post while listening to the Tron: Legacy score http://www.cinemablend.com/new/daft-punk-s-tron-legacy-score-leaked-online-19901.html

It was one of the most thrilling reads I have ever experienced here at a2k! When will Christopher Nolan be releasing the adaptation of this thread in IMAX form?

Try reading the post with this on in the background:

I'm in agreement with you, Lash, ehBeth, Calamity, Snood - and besides, I know a lot of people who despise having their photo taken or could be described as phobic.

I am glad it worked out good (so far), Lash. It's nice to have a good relationship with in-laws but it's also important to set boundaries and enforce them. Now
you can relax and enjoy her if she's respecting your boundaries.

The bay area is sooooo big. I never did live there, but have still have some friends and acquaintances who do - but those became friends over a long span of time - several of them people I'd met in Los Angeles years before. The area is rich with different neighborhoods and the diversity of the population, but hard to get to know all at once, for sure.

Hard for me to advise since I'm not very involved in my new city either, though it is becoming more "mine" in my mind as time passes. But in my last new city, when I was more upbeat and outgoing than my present self, I walked more, getting to know some neighbors, and went to some events involving people I met through our gallery/studio, and could call some of our artists my friends, as they became so.

Off the wall advice - see if there is anything you might be interested in that doesn't involve La Famiglia or, much as you like it, teaching.

On getting used to a place, Diane and I were talking recently about trees in different places, and how we feel about them, and I told her about my experience with the Sequoias (redwoods) that enclose miles of highway between SF and Eureka/Arcata, and beyond. The first several times I drove through the forest, something like 160 miles, I thought it was beautiful in many ways, but somewhat alien to me (raised in a semi arid desert, no matter how planted up some parts of it were). I'd no strong emotion to them, nor against them, but more self comfortableness going on when the ocean showed up at the end of the trip.

By the second or third year there, I started putting on symphony and opera cds as I drove through the forest, occasionally nice and loud, reverting to blues and rock when I got into, say Sonoma County, when going south. Last time I drove through, some tears fell because of my emotional connection to the forest.

This all started when she mentioned the incredible beauty of the fall color in the east. Even though I've lived in the midwest and eastern US as a child, it wasn't for all that long, and beautiful as all that fall color is, it's not mine (yet).

Attachment is a funny thing. It can creep up on you..

Replying to self, there were many more posts for me to read after that response by me. Didn't mean to leave anyone out. I agreed with at least some of what each responder that I've read since has said.

Well, holy yipes, that is the best way to handle such a person as I've ever seen. Hooray for you! I am just so happy for you. That's smart, continuing to learn.

I think you had a lot of good suggestions here, too. It is a good idea to have a "go-to" group of pals give you something to mull over. Should try it myself. And, the terse note was perfect.

Probably all of us have our social antennae at low mast from time to time. Some people seem to have it so about all the time. These may be explainable brain differences, or how people were raised, or some exciting combo.

Good resolution, Lash.