Life: Looking Back, Looking Forward

I didn't think there was any reason not to go on a date, though. I wasn't looking. He asked me. I wanted to go.

I guess it's all the mental wrangling I do about it. Shouldn't have let NY creep up in my thoughts, I guess. Should just date...low key...and chill about meaning and such.

I'm pretty happy with me...just don't know quite what to do when guys are added...

Absolutely not even considering cohabitating with anybody. Not in love or anything.

Wow, Lash. You've got a lot of stuff going on. I agree with both soz and ehBeth. But I am going to diverge on advice. I think that until you meet NY you will always have the super-NY image that anyone you date will have to compete with. It's not really fair to them -- they are flesh and blood and he is, unfortunately, still a fantasy in a sense. I say go to NY. See him. It could be that he can't compete with the mental NY either.

This is what I'm thinking. Get OVER it one way or another. The guy I'm dating seems like a great guy to spend time with, and it's not fair to him or me for him to in competition with this impossibly perfect surreal guy. Hate to throw flesh and blood, calm, nice guy for a wisp of cloud.

btw---- Been subbing...having a total blast. Pre-K, second grade...they are so sweet...but jeeez, glad I chose Middle School. Hahaha.

the reason is just to feel ok with saying no.

if you know you're not going to date for a while, there's no wrangling


seems that it's always been you - with some sort of attachment

when was the last time you lived entirely alone, without a parent/husband/lover/partner/child/family ... for more than a year at a time ?

(and by living alone, I mean that none of those were within coffee distance, not just under the same roof)

~~~~

I sorta get the needing the see NY and get it over with thing. Is there a click or not and all that. However, it's hard to measure that sort of thing til there's dishes and laundry attached. Especially when there's a NY component. That can make anyone seem like they've been run through a bedazzler.

I'm very mixed on this. I entirely see ehBeth's point, which Lash has seen too. Indeed it has been a sporadic wail of mine on relationship threads, that some fair amount of crisis angst is from fear of being alone (though maybe I didn't always use those exact words, I think I did sometimes.) I rememember going on and on about getting used to self sustainment being a positive step. Have probably said as much on this thread.

On the other hand, in your shoes, Lash, I'd likely go to NY. I've quite the 'go for it' romantic past, which didn't always work out. Heh. Well, neither did the long thoughtful marriage, in the end. I was single until I met my husband at 34, so whatever the scenario, I was well used to being with me.. and don't regret that time. I'd stopped paying any attention to 'dating' when I met my husband - I was too busy and rather bored by all the Wrongs. In fact I was irritated that these people, actors from a local university, were there in our studio when I came home from work. Cripes, what did they want? I worked myself up to being polite to these possible sub-letters. Heh, again.

So, I'm not really against what Sozobe is saying.
I just have trouble imagining me not checking out this phantom whom you do partially know and do feel connected to.

Also agree that daily life laundry, etc. is different than a magic weekend, re decision making.

Thank you sweeties. Mulling... Jo, I love that pic, btw. I appreciate the personal ruminations, and everything said here. So fortunate to have you all to bounce my life off of.

I have only been me alone for one year of my adult life... I was really proud of me. But, yeah. I don't like "being alone." I can be alone. I was. But, no, I didn't like it. What exactly do you think I'm missing? (I know that sounds dumb, but I'm serious.)

I don't know how to answer that. I don't think it is necessarily bad to want to have people around you who you love and who love you. That's family and it is important. However, sometimes we change who we are to make others happy. I don't know if it takes being alone to figure out how not to do that or if it actually takes lots of little relationships. I think that what others are saying is that being alone for long periods makes you more accepting of yourself and less willing to morph for others. Or maybe knowing that you can be alone will make you not change yourself because you won't be afraid of losing the other person. I obviously don't have that figured out. I still morph.

I'm on the tired side.

Getting along alone, at the least, trains you for decision making, a certain attentiveness. Builds up analysis. I think. Builds up your own brain.

nods

You've got a lot of it there, FreeDuck. We've seen enough of Lash's change-o-mania in the time we've known her to make me wish she was more accepting and proud of herself. Watching the whole NV thing was a bit painful.

No more wrangling to make herself fit to what someone else wants or what she perceives someone else wants.

Relax into who she is.

I don't get that feeling of people should know they're lucky to be in the room with her. And they are lucky to spend time with her.



(and peripherally, NV's going to meet a potential girlfriend? ok, stay clear of that. completely. miles clear. seriously.)

That was really sweet, Beth.

Also great thanks for explaining that, Freeduck! ...and always osso.

Yes, agreed with everything ehBeth just said (and by extension with FreeDuck).

Let me clarify something about meeting NY. I think it's possible that a meeting would put the kibosh on things. No sparks, annoying habits, something.

But I think there's a real possibility that a short meeting won't really resolve anything... and then what? A longer meeting? How long? Etc.

Unless it's an obvious "no," at some point the only way to find out is to enter into a real relationship -- and I don't really recommend that for Lash right now.

Maybe it's worth it anyway just in case there's an obvious "no" -- but I'd tend to think that a finite (days) meeting wouldn't really resolve anything, and might just make it a more immediate Situation to deal with.

I didn’t mean for that to be flippant.

I really was trying to answer the question:




Photog is here. NY isn’t. You’re not in love.


Notwithstanding the comments from soz and beth and freeduck and osso all of which contain points of view that resonate, the question for me is why is it you feel you must make a decsion at all. Why can't you date photog again if you want AND visit NY if you want?

Hey. I don't mean to be thick

I can see that. There is also the added pressure of really already having a relationship with NY, so that if there isnt a spark, there might still be pressure to search for it or to create one. Or maybe second guessing the need for it (like with photog guy). I think that is just a tiny variation of what you are saying.

Hi ya Chickies! Update: Lost feelings and interest in NY a few weeks ago. I expect it to stick this time... Dated Photog Guy pretty happily for a couple of months, but ended it because of lack of deep emotional connection...or spark or whatever we're calling that special zing... He was really nice about it. We're still good friends, and continue to talk a few times a week.

(very surprised to say) I'm considering a weekend with a really fine specimen of manhood (he's 30 years old). He was driving through Athens, so we met. He took me to a really nice Japanese restaurant...we'd been talking for a few months as friends. I was "in a relationship" at the time he came through town, so it was a very platonic, but very enjoyable evening... Having a hard time finding a reason not to have a hot weekend with him...

Meanwhile, another guy who's been a friend asked me for a weekend in the Keys when he found out Photog Guy and I ended. I said ok. He travels a lot. Asked me if I had a passport. I said no. He said, "Get one." (smiling)

On the "me" front: I'm passing my Spanishes. Actually doing well in 2001...slogging through 2002. Getting my application packets ready to come out full bore in January... I decided to try for a TAPP position...I need money...dental care....healthcare...I'll have to just bite the bullet and pick up the Masters' while I'm teaching...IF I can get a job, that is. Really good feedback re: subbing. I'm having a blast...getting calls to sub every day. And, I feel at home in the classroom. Lovely having so many children run up and hug me, and say, "Will you be with US today, Ms ________???"

(smiling!!)

If not, grad school is an ok Plan B.

My kids are GREAT!

Hope all you guys are good!

oh good to see you back girlie.... haven't read yet.... just wanted say hey and hugs...

reading.

k - well done girl on the Spanishes.... good job

well done on realising and admitting what makes you feel good... and that is a male companion....

I find it dreadfulle lonely, and dont have much opportunity to meet fellas. So, do what you need to do, keep busy and enjoy yourself whilst you can - what may come later, may be a huge bonus.

Have fun Lash.... and lots of it.
Take care xxxx

The Keys sound pretty good to me right about now. You know, I lived in Marathon for a few years another lifetime ago. I was damned glad to get out of there when I did, but the problem was my own stupidity, not the climate. With enough years gone by, I now have some pretty fond memories and I still have a girlfriend there. Plus, I always wondered whatever happened to Victor. Ah yes. Victor.

Would dearly LOVE to hear about ....Victor!

Hi, Lash!

<carry on>