Life: Looking Back, Looking Forward

I can't afford to move...He's on my last nerve.... It's awful. He left the house a minute ago, and stood over me for his usual kiss goodbye, and finally said, "You don't want a kiss?" and I didn't know what to say... I want to say, "Are you serious? You talk to me like that, and feel the tension...and you think I want a KISS???" His name is on the lease...if anyone leaves, it would have to be me. I think I'm stuck for a while. I'll just work a lot and save money and start ramping up interviews for apprentice teaching... I hate whining, so I'll stop. I just hate living with a bunch of tension. It makes me forgetful and grumpy.

Thanks for asking, sweety.

ugh...double post and it wouldn't let me delete

Yeah, tension ain't good.

I vaguely remember something happening at the end of August but can't remember what.

Hope you get your own space SOON.

This is what I was thinking of. Happening? Not happening?

Not. I had a car accident. No one was hurt, but my finances are really messed up. I had enough to get out, and now I don't. Moving my baby tomorrow, though. I'm stuck until I save up enough again.

Dayamm.

Don't bother buyin' a lottery ticket for a bit...

I know, right? My luck is in the crapper lately....

Phooey, although glad no one was hurt.
Sympathy.
Glad you have your doggie.

This'll sound odd, but was a mistake I made on the New Posts thing.. be sure after you pick New Posts to also click the word next to it (GO).

So, I'm at least feeling secure that I know what to do. Now, to do it. I have to take a super bad, vitally important test--GACE Professional Pedagogy-- to teach pre-certification. I think that's what I should do.
[GOAL A-- Start teaching soon. ( I need to get to a doctor, and my children are both in school and I feel I should start making money to be of some help to them finally. ) ...and get the Master's in a year or so to up my earning power by about 30%...plus, I'm brain-tired and poverty-tired.
GOAL B-- Go on to Master's next Summer.]

Because the GACE hits in late Oct (and I'm having to study independently...haven't been in the education program, so I'm really out on a limb here...and because I am taking two Spanish classes (and having a tough time), an ELAN class (I'm the only undergrad) ...subbing, working in a restaurant....and moving AGAIN during this semester would really make the GACE and my academic work much more stressful, I (even though I WANT to move now) think it would be wise to stay put until January. Sometimes, I think I push myself too hard. Afraid it may catch up with me.

I'm not allowing my personal decisions to ack up my plans.

Meanwhile, NY has decided he made a mistake trying to develop a relationship with our friend. He told me last week. I'm amazed this happened so quickly.

I've been batting back and forth if I should stay as a roomate for these few months--to protect the stability of this last, important semester---or just believe that, as in other cases, I can get through whatever contingencies arise. Don't know why I'm afraid to move... But, I really feel too much is at risk to try to undergo another big change now. Just want to graduate in December. I'm preparing applications for the One Year Option teaching...I look good on paper... If I can get through these two Spanishes...ugh

Rereading, I sould a little frazzled. I am.

Both of my children have moved last month---I helped my daughter...and they are both going through divorces. My son told me he's preparing to

tell the family.

I guess I have a lot going on. Thank goodness they're both happy, but my heart is broken for them...especially my son.

I just don't think I can go through this with NV until after finals.

Wimping out.

Hi, Lash. I'm here as an about to go to sleep person, so I won't say anything but I understand. For one thing, December is not that far away. You need an emotional respite it you can get that to work. I can also see moving out quickly if something turns up to make that work out. (In other words, nothin' useful to say.) Take care of yourself..

Hi Lash,

I missed the car accident! Dang. I'm glad everyone's OK.

I guess it's one of those Ann Landers moments, ya know? You're in for a turbulent few months no matter what. Realistically, is A (staying where you are, with NV) or B (move out) going to be more turbulent?

You can't know anything for sure of course, but some sort of positive/ negative list for each may help.

The situation with NV sounds so stressful on an ongoing basis that I tend to plug for B, even with its stressors.

Take care...

I suppose I tend to plug for B too. Even a little place (studio apt? bachelor apt? I forget the difference) that would be your own space. I've loved some places I've lived, like a two room eensy cottage in of all places, La Jolla (it was in back of a house), and a two room eensy place with a bathroom down the hall - not even a shower - and no kitchen, just a hot plate, in an artists' building by the beach in Venice. (I showered at work or at friends' houses.) But those were in sort of cool areas and weren't much money, a combo that can be hard to come by.

Oh, and I hated the place behind a duplex, my first "apartment". Cockroaches and a screamer in one of the duplex units.

Soz and osso---

Thank you so much for sticking with me...it must be maddening sometimes, but I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I feel like you were beaming me positive vibes, because this morning, NV sat me down and we had a very lovely, important conversation. He knows it's over--he said he'd told his sister and bro-in-law, and the bro-in-law offered him a good job in Nevada. He likes it here--the weather--the general vibe---and told me he's staying. (Which unburdens me a bit that he's not stuck in a place he hates.

He knew I was under stress with this important semester...and the difficulty I'm having with Spanish 2001 and 2002...and finances. He said we're best friends who thought we could be more, and he doesn't want to make my life difficult. He said he thinks we can help each other and share expenses during the remainder of the lease.

It re-broke my heart for him when he admitted having trouble with a lot of baggage from those previous relationships---that directly torpedoed us. I hope somehow he can work through those issues, because I think if he doesn't, he'll never be happy with anyone.

So relieved, I almost feel like a different person. A LOAD lifted from my shoulders. I'm going to take time to see the many junctures where I went wrong, and LEARN before I engage in any more romantic relationships. I'll be reading back to look at all the advice and my associated nuttiness. Ladies, my deepest appreciation --everyone who ever cared enough to weigh in--

I hope NV and I can hold on to friendship. You can't have too many.... Lots of hugs today. Clearing the air has brought in a cool breeze.

Good, good, and good!

Have a tall cool one on me, Lash...

enjoy that breeze.

That sounds promising.

Can you re-arrange your living space and living arrangements so that it is clear - to both of you - that you are room-mates - working on becoming good friends?

How important are the courses you are taking? in comparision to the October test you need to take. Can the courses be taken later? It seems like there's a bit too much happening at once and that's causing you problems and stress - and perhaps impacting your health.

Can you put NY on ice - as a friend - until after the new year?

I am glad to hear this, Lash, and now that the pressure is off the both of you,
perhaps you'll have a different take in approaching each other, much more
relaxed and friendly. You know, it never hurt to be friends first and lovers
later. You've done the reverse, but one never knows where this is leading to...

You certainly have a lot on your plate, and although your son and daughter
are off to different places, you never stop worrying, especially now, given
their emotional turmoil of going through a divorce. Add your academic
pressures and achievements to that and you have very little room for romance, but a good friend is always handy. So this is a start!

Good luck to you (I still think you two can make it in the long run).

Beth---thanks so much, sweety. Re: the test. If I pass it, I qualify to teach before I get certification. I feel pushed to start making money now for the children and for autonomy. I know I'm going to get the Master's within five years, but I've been pushing so hard, I feel I need a break before grad school--a year to get used to teaching and not to be on the University treadmill. ("Jane, get me off this crazy thiiiiing!") I have already been accepted.

If I fail the test, I'll just go on to grad school and be poor and stressed a year longer. But, frankly, the convo with NV has really eased me a lot. I think worry about him and my living situation was the top stressor...this new understanding we have frees me to be stronger and more available for my children...and not so sad and weak over them. I seem to be an emotional domino person...I can hold on well through a lot, but when something pushes me over the top of what I can handle, I get weak across the board. I am tired.

Re: classes. I should have graduated last semester--if I hadn't had so much trouble with Spanish. I'm ONLY taking Spanish now (but 2 of them) (and an ELAN class that will help significantly with teaching), so I can't put them off any longer. Finishing is also a stressor...fear of failing. That's one I just have to deal with. Learning a new language for me is a nightmare because of my sketchy memory. I have forgotten almost everything I just learned last semester (Spanish). It's really bad. But, I also know stress makes my memory worse, so I hope this easing between me and NV will help my memory a bit. Studied three hours today. I'm going to talk to the Spanish professors. In one class, I only understand 1 out of every five words he says. It's humiliating and I'm near tears in class, hoping no one can tell. It's a real nightmare.

Re: NY. (smiling) We're waiting for the right time. Certainly not travelling anywhere or involving myself deeply in anything until I have that piece of paper in my hands.

Thank you, sweetheart.

I appreciate your thoughts, CJ. I think your analysis is accurate; however, I think I've picked up on why NV and I won't be right for one another.

There are things people can adjust...behaviors, methods, a lot of sort of peripheral things... But, there are other things---the core of who we are--that we can't change. When I asked him to change some things, he did. I could tell he loved me and wanted it to work. But, there are a few things about him--his core construction, some from his really traumatic upbringing, and I think some from his core construction--that he can't change. I was faced with trying to adjust to these things...and I won't. I care very much about him, but I just won't live with these things. Trying to live with these issues made ME different...someone I didn't like. I am a much better person alone...and someone I don't like when I'm with him.

I like your positivity, though, CJ.

HA..... phew.... found this thread girlie...... now I gotta catch up.... later tater!