Doktor S wrote:hephzibah wrote:
Dok I must commend you on this if it is really how you live your life. (no sarcasm intended) I lived a long time believing exactly this and I wasn't fairing well with it at all.
It is indeed.
Was it taking responsibility for yourself that you had a hard time with...orrr..?
Sure dok I did have a hard time taking responsibility for myself. I don't mind admitting that. I didn't know I could actually. I was a victim of my circumstances, not realizing I had other choices. Of course I hope you don't think I was implying that about you.
Quote:Have you ever considered that power may originate within you, and not 'out there' somewhere?
Sure. We all have the power to choose. But some things in life we don't have a choice about. I'll admit some of the choices in the process I went through were grueling, but I had to make them none the less. I'm not implying here that my "creator" made all the choices for me. I am not a puppet on a string. However, it was hope in something outside of myself and outside of my circumstances that gave me the desire to change. To realize I could change. That maybe there was something better out there than what I had at the time.
Quote:And where is it you feel that you 'are today'?
Do you not think that solving the problems that were making you depressed would not have been a more powerful option than blotting them out with spiritual narcotics?
Where am I today? I'm happy, not sad. I'm loved, not unloved, unwanted, un-needed, or despised (well by most anyway...), I don't hate anyone anymore because I don't need to. I'm not vengeful because I don't have to be. I don't hurt anymore about the things of the past. I don't carry anymore burdens. I know who I am.
Dok, answer me this:
How exactly do you solve the problem of your stepfather being the first one to rape you at the age of five?
How exactly do you solve the problem that I can't have children because of this detestible act?
How exactly do you solve the problem of your mom telling you your father never wanted you when you were nine years old?
How exactly do you solve the problem of babysitters beating you when your mom doesn't believe you?
Just to name a few of the atrocious things that happened to me.
Pretending it didn't happen doesn't work. I tried it. Blocking it out of your mind completely doesn't work either. I tried that too. I had nightmares that haunted me well into my 20's. All of those things reached me on an emotional level and effected my entire perception of myself and the world around me. So even if I could have changed the outward circumstances, which did change eventually, the inside was still effected. Those effects were evident in everything I thought, said, and did. Though no one understood why. Myself included.
My pain was way beyond being helped by even real narcotics, or alcohol. Tried that too. LOL, alcohol only brought me into an almost psycotic state of being suicidal. I laugh because of the poor people who had to tolerate me when I was like that. They didn't have a clue. I was sucked into an alcoholic lifestyle for about four years. Drinking anything to numb the pain I was feeling inside. It never worked. Only made it worse.
As far as spiritual narcotics go I don't really know what your impression of "salvation" as the christians call it is. I have heard many stories of people getting saved and seemingly living happily ever after. If you think that's what happened to me you are mistaken. That couldn't be farther from the truth. It took YEARS for a lot of changes to come about in my life. I wish I could have skipped off into the sunset with my "imaginary friend". It would have been much easier than having to re-experience the pain of all the things that had happened to me in order to let them go and get to a place of trusting people again, of believing I was loved, and so on.