Help me with my big and little birthday party questions!

Sorry, but sensual and 5-year-olds just don't go together for me. I would never have had that thought. (I love the carrot picture!)

Mud Cake recipe if you're interested.

Mo's birthday cake is really for kids to eat, right?

Based on kids' birthday parties I've supervised, and comments at the taunton cooking site, I'd recommend something more kid-oriented. There are some cool <to kids> molds - animals, that sorta thing. You could do/buy a larger scale mud-pie cake, and have the kids make small wiggly worm ones. There are lots of patterns at innumerable sites for this sort of thing.

<I just showed Setanta the picture top idea. He wondered if the cake was for you rather than Mo. Definitely what I wondered.>

As I was reading along, I wondered if the U.S. kid party scene was simply radically different from the Canadian one - then realized the Taunton posters are about 80% U.S.

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I like the proposed invite photos as photos, but they wouldn't fly as children's party invites with parents I know.

boomer, I'd choose an icecream cake (Baskin Robbins has great ones for kids) - I haven't met a child yet who didn't like that.

As for the photos: I don't see any sensuality either, however
in dealing with social services and other child agencies, I'd
be more careful too.

Isn't that sad?

Good points, mac and eBeth. Certainly things to consider.

I suppose I could go with store bought invitations or come up with something a bit more generic.

To me, the photo just really sets the idea for the party but the reason that I'm asking is because I don't know!

I feel that way too, mac, about sensual but I have had that word used to describe my photos more than once by several people. Although I don't see it personally, it is a legitmate comment or I wouldn't hear it from such a variety of people whose opinion I respect.

Just for the record. That carrot photo is my mom's favorite photo of Mo. That is the one she requested for a Christmas present. My mom is pretty conservative.

I guess I haven't really thought of the cake as being for adults or children -- it's cake. I want a cool cake.

Again, that's why I'm asking.

I think I am way behind the curve on children's parties.

Most of the people here will be grown ups.

I'm sure once Mo starts school the whole birthday party thing will seriously change.

Thanks everybody for your input.

I look forward to more!

It truly is squinney, but you know, when I was going throuh
the adoption process with my daughter, my social worker
advised me not to take baths with her (we Europeans do that)
or show myself naked in front of her (something we do too).

ehBeth (as is her wont) has articulated what I was going towards (but hadn't arrived at) in my scattershot way. Part of what I'm getting at about what does MO want?

I don't think it necessarily reflects well on us or sozlet, but she would be seriously bummed if she didn't get any present-presents at her birthday party. Stuff to unwrap, toys to play with. She loves the whole thing about the one day out of the year that is extra-special and all about her and only her, and she LOVES presents.

Parent-cool and kid-cool are definitely different things. (There is often overlap, especially when the parent is as surpassingly cool as you are, boomer, but different things.)

You know Mo best, and I know what you're saying about starting school and how things will be different then, and I do like the idea of something more low-key and less structured than what is typical for kids' parties. I'm looking at it (like I do most parenting questions) through the prism of what sozlet would want, and that's not at all necessarily what Mo would want.

I'm all for giving Mo both a vote and a veto. I'm betting that a mud cake with gummy worms will trump a photo cake. Small men are graphically gross.

Farmer in the Dell: Old Fashioned Play Party Game:

http://www.niehs.nih.gov/kids/lyrics/farmer.htm

I had visualized a whole garden as a donkey with all sorts of pin-on possiblities--select your own.

Schedule some pre-party time with Mo to practice being a host: greeting people, introducing people, saying thank-you-very-much. If this is his first "real" party, you don't want him floundering for lack of experience.

I'm with Soz on planning with Mo. Remember he's a kid who covets power and control for his own sanity. Which is is more gross, red gummy worms or green gummy worms? He'll have a firm opinion.

Why not talk about a "Friendship Garden" or "Garden of Love"?

To be perfectly honest I don't think it matters one iota to Mo whether he has a birthday party or not.

I think he should have a birthday party. I think all kids should have a birthday party.

But I don't want him to think now, or in the future that you have a party to get stuff. I admit, I have a real problem with that. I don't care how old you are, you host a party for the benefit of the people you invite, not for your own benefit.

We typically do a big, week long celebration of his birthday, marking the day he moved in with us and the day of his birth. He's not hurting for celebrations.

What does Mo want?

We have two dates written on our calendar for January - next Thursday when he is spending the day with grandma and grandpa (dad's side) and his birthday. We've been Xing off the days.

He took a pen today and Xed off the days until Thursday.

When I ask him about a birthday party he asks if there will be cake.

I don't think he cares about it.

Would he think a worm cake is better than a photo cake?

He loves worms but he loves photos too. He loves photos of himself in particular. A photo of himself on a cake with worms coming out of his ears would probably be his idea of perfect. Other people would look at it and think I'd done something terrible.

I'm not a very social animal and this stuff mystifies me.

It is the social services angle that my friend warned me about, CJane, and I think it is a good point and I appreciate your voice of experience. Things are different "here".

Some Americans do the bath/shower thing too (me, for example, when I'm in a hurry or at the pool or just when it seems like a fun thing to do).

Urgh.

Maybe I'll just run away to Europe instead of having a birthday party.

Boomer--

Photo cake: Would he like himself cut up and eaten?

Christ/Aslan/Michael Valentine symbolism aside.

You're down playing the birthday loot with the garden party--which is good in my non-materialistic WASP universe.

Ask him whether he sees this day as "Birthday Party" or "Garden Party". Then plan accordingly--with his help.

This doesn't have to be a Perfect Party. After all, Mo is a novice and you're not much better.

Relax. Enjoy. Document the chaos for future family laughs.

Hold your dominion.

People are strange
When you're a stranger....

Sounds like you have things covered in terms of what Mo wants, then.

Sorry if my advice has been adding to your stress rather than helping to relieve it; I think your ideas are really nice.

I talked to the kid about all of this last night and one idea she came up with is to prepare a "Friends and Family Garden" sign -- a plank of wood attatched to a stake -- and have decorating the sign be part of the festivities. Craft stores (Michael's et al) have weather-resistant paint for wood (or terra cotta, so could do double duty) that doesn't cost much. We've used it to paint birdhouses and have gotten reports that it holds up well.

I have spent some time examining my dominion (thank you, Noddy), reading around a reexamining my first ideas and where they came from.

Having two parties is something I really reconsidered but I can't make it work out in my mind for a million reasons - the twins don't live with their mom and getting them here would be hard, Larry and Curley live several hours away and if they get to come I can't just kick their mom out, the neighbors, not just their kids, are well loved by Mo and I can't really have the kids one day and the parents the other, the thought of both sides of his bio-family being here, just them, is to tense to contemplate.

I've read a lot about the "no gift" thing and there are clearly two schools of thought on this so really I guess it comes down to what I want Mo to learn and that is it is the getting together with people you love that matters. I don't want special days to be associated with more stuff.

The whole idea for the garden party came from the fact that it allowed us to requrest something inexpensive and unifying.

Since we are having a small personal party where we will give him his gifts, I'll spring for his Thomas cake suggestion for this party since he has some Thomas stuff for gifts.

Then we can have a dirt cake for the party.

I hadn't thought much about activities since most of these kids play together all of the time and have their own lunatic games so I really appricate all of the advice on that!

Potting plants is a for sure and it will give Mo the opportunity go give each person a gift.

Decorating a garden sign is a great idea! I could have everyone at the party sign the sign.

Maybe we could paint garden stakes too.....

Maybe we could make garden charms.....

Does this cropped version of the invite make it a bit more acceptable or am I still off track?

I think my angst scared everybody off.

Sorry.

I really do appreciate all of the advice and suggestion.

The picture doesn't look as good when cropped boomer,
how would this be?

Boomer--

I'm not scared off, just running behinders.

I think your Garden Party will be controlled chaos; that everyone will have a good time and you and Mr. B. will be delighted to see the last car pull out and head down the street.

Thomas the Train? I'm not surprised.

Hold your dominion.

I've just been out all day, not scared off. :-)

My perspective on the presents is that it can be an enjoyable part of the day without being the point. If you have a cake at the party, is the day suddenly all about ingesting sugar? Is it giving the message that having sweet food is more important than spending time with people you love? I just don't see it as a zero-sum situation.

I definitely tend towards anti-materialism myself but my tendencies are more towards any little thoughtful, personal token is fine, doesn't have to be something big and fancy, rather than nothing.

This is another part of it for me:



Sozlet probably has every bit as much fun selecting or making a good present for her friends' birthday parties as getting the presents her friends choose for her at her birthday party. I see it as all part of the same thing, two sides of the same coin. If giving a nice, thoughtful gift from the heart is a good thing, why isn't getting one?

I do love the seed request but "unifying" is part of what I think defeats some of the good part of gift exchanges -- the imagination, the personality. I know that not everyone does gift exchanges that way, that sometimes it's about the first plastic thing that's not too expensive, but it's so fun (on either end, giver or receiver) when something just works. I mentioned the birdhouses, the whole thing cost something like $6 total, but sozlet hand-painted them for her grandparents and they just LOVED them. That's the kind of thing I mean.

Another thought I had is that the no-present request could either be only a hint (which would likely be ignored by a few or many) or something with teeth -- and I started thinking about something with teeth in terms of your situation. It just seems a little dangerous, a little hot-buttonish, in terms of control and telling people who still (I think?) consider themselves his family what they can and can't do. The kind of innocent little thing that could rankle and be pounced on.

For the two parties, my thinking was not about kicking out the kids' parents, just a matter of emphasis. But I do agree that this one is tricky. If I'd suggest anything there it'd be to have a small party with the kids of approximately the same age that'd be more specifically kid-oriented (and with the parents of those kids welcome to stay), then another party with family. But I understand what you're saying about the specific difficulties presented by this collection of families. I think a big loose celebration with a bit of this and a bit of that could work well.

At any rate, those are some thoughts to go into why I think what I think a bit more thoroughly, but I am genuinely certain that no matter what you end up doing you will pull off something graceful and loving.

Oh CJane! That is darling. I'm going to play with that just a bit while I wait to see if that answers the "seductive" question. Thank you!

Controlled chaos I can deal with. I have dealt with that for years and years in my professional and personal life. It is the overplanned, overorchestrated, overexpectation that I can actually get everyone to pin the tail on the anything that makes me shiver.

Welcome to the monkey house.

I always ran my business on the premise of under-promise and over-deliver. It served me well then and it serves me well now that my business is no longer my primary directive.

That is a good point, soz. I guess I always think of celebrations centering around some kind of eating and that makes cake feel a bit different to me.

When my family gets together it is around food. It might not always be the best food but nobody ever notices.

I think sozlet and her friends are eons past Mo and his gang in the maturity race. Mo would select something HE wants and then get pissed that he had to give it away. I think his imagination and personality will eventually rise to the challenge but he is so not there yet.

To date, Mo has been required to make every gift and every card he sends to anyone. I have never heard of disappointment with any gift he's given.

If my request riles and rankles them so be it. Honestly though, I think they'll "get" it and that they will be relieved that they don't have to think up something.

As Bullwinkle always said "Hey Rocky! Watch me pull this rabbit out of my hat...."