Open relationships: Can they work?

Since were sharing ...(pun intended)
Years ago, I was once a third party in a marriage. I most definitely regret it for moral, spiritual, mental, religous and emotional reasons. The man's wife was "bi-curious" and became infatuated with me. They were many years my senior, and convinced me that it was okay- I would be doing them a favor. I met with the wife a couple times alone(I hadn't started dating men yet). Then secretion hit the fan. He couldn't handle it. I had been very close friends with his wife. The friendship was ruined, they're marriage went through hell and I went into shock from trauma and guilt. In the end I realized I was part of her research. I became a character in her dissertation, a novella about bi women. Talk about used people.

wow, confession IS good for the soul

Herpes on the mouth (cold sore) and herpes on the nether regions are two different things all together.

You don't get a cold core from sex. Well, you CAN but generally not.

But I can see where Greenie got her question of "what can't I see?" because it would make you think of a sexually transmitted disease.

Sorry, but I'll stick to my view that neither you nor your husband have an inkling of what love is. Am I being judgemental? Yep, absolutely. But someone who claims they love someone else does not run off and break the marriage vows, or in your case, suggest that they should for the fun of it. That's not love. But keep on fooling yourself that it is.

i gotta agree.
When a relationship is whole and happy, there is no need to 'stray' or ' try it out for fun'.

Of course people fantasize, sheesh.

Part of being married is working at making sure SOME fantasies don't become reality.

Which ones? The ones that cause you to have sex with other people.

Another question....

What vows did you 2 take with each other when you married?

Yet another.....

Why the interest in coming on here just to ask if anyone else has done this?

You know good and well other people have. I would think it would be a given that part of why you're posting is to work out your feelings towards this.

I think the concensus has been, it stinks.

So, you were able to get into bed last night with your husband, knowing he was putting his hands all over another woman, and she putting her hands all over him, and you were ok with this?

I believe the only way you could deal with that is by blocking it out.

Did you really just want to hear that others have done this, and think it's fine?

Traditional vows: (among other small variations)

I call upon all present to witness that I take you to be my lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health while we both shall live.


So, where does it say, in these traditional vows, to never have sex with anyone else? Vows indicate taking somebody and being committed to them. Never did my husband or I falter on our committment! My vows to my husband was to share our hearts, our minds, and our love. To never take to much without giving the same. To stay honest and true to each other. An open relationship that by our rules benefits us stays with those vows because we are HONEST.

How many have you thought about leaving your partner over some of those things stated in the vows? How about the depressed husbands or wives that never want to have sex. That's a sickness. But I read over and over again how people "are fed up" with this problem or that. Aren't you breaking vows then? People end their marriages over tiny things. The most wonderful thing I can say about my marriage is that it is stronger than it has ever been. We can get through everything!

So maybe it is worse right now for me to have suggested an open relationship. Again, not breaking my vows. I took him as is, and he did the same for me.

I didn't come on here to ask for you all to give me a lecture on what is love and marriage. I asked if anybody had the same experience and what happened. I got my answer, thanks.

Sorry, but when you open a line of discussion for opinions, you get just that. If you want people to jump up and down and tell you that you and hubby did a fine thing, then you should go to a swingers site and ask them, not a relationship forum.

And yeah, keep thinking that commitment doesn't mean not sleeping around. He's real committed when he jumps in the sack with someone else. And you're real committed for suggesting he do it for what? To spice up your marriage? If it needs sleeping around with others to spice things up, then you're already in trouble and just don't know it yet.

Not only do you not understand what love is, you don't even have a clue what marriage is.

If you can't stand the criticism, then don't post questions here. We tend to tell it like it is because often that is what someone needs to hear.

Judgmental? that's a nice way to put it.

<shaking head>

reid, these are just a few of the quotes I've cut and paste from various sites. I knew I wasn't dreaming when I spoke this vow to my husband.
BTW, what the heck do you think the "to have and to hold" part means?

Some of these mention God, some don't, that not the issue, one of the vows in marriage states sexual fidelity.

in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse. I will forsake all others, faithfully keeping myself only for you, and I will love you with all my heart for so long as we both shall live


The traditional marriage vow includes the words "keeping myself only for him/her", which is pretty clear about the entire no outside nookie issue.



Like I asked before....Did you just want to come on here and find out who else has done this? Well, as I answered, you did, and so far no one has said it was all that great.

Commitment? I'm not sure you understand the meaning. You are commiting yourself to ONE person, in ALL ways.

We're not talking about people who leave their spouse for petty reasons, so don't try to change the subject. I'm a rat terrier and I stay on task.

I have the best marriage I have ever seen, if there's any stronger bond, I don't know who has it. So please, don't talk about the meaning of commitment, vows and marriage to me. I'm in it for the long haul, and there is absolutely nothing that could happen to break that bond. Absolutely Nothing.

You're posting here because you want validation that your husband screwing around was all right. Well it isn't. Period.

If you were the one that brought up the possibility, maybe your feeling just a wee bit off because he was the one who got to score first.

You never did answer my questions.

This isn't a lecture, you stepped into it. You thought it was going to be a lot of talk about how, sure, that's fine as long as you've made these vows that don't seem to include fidelity.

Wrong.

The "operative" thing for you to remember (and he should also) is that the wedding vows and marriage EXCLUDE everything and anything other than husband, wife, and God.

"Forsaking ALL others and keeping myself only unto you, until death do us part." Not very ambiguous. One might even say, very definitive. A promise, a vow, a covenant, a willing choice to surrender ALL of our potentially negative wants and desires out of LOVE for ONE person...our chosen spouse.

I don't think it is beneficial for us to present our opinions as absolute truths, at least not in this context. Everyone's idea of commitment is different by degrees. Are we defining love by our individual concepts, a particular religion, Dr. Phil, Oprah? I would say love shows grace, compassion, mercy and not condemnation ...but I don't always act in these virtues toward the people I love, nevertheless I do love them. And I am hesitant to pass judgment on a marriage that I know peanuts about, much less make a summary of someone's heart based on a minute glimpse into their life.

I agree cola. I do know of a couple that is rather untraditional in their marriage. But they have their own boundaries that they won't cross. We all decide what is and what is not acceptable in our lives. Some people would "get over" their spouse kissing someone else. Others (like me) would not.

It all depends on what you (the married persons) determin. The key to doing something like this, I think, is for it to have always been that way. The marriage can't be traditional and then suddenly change. You can't expect things to work out if suddenly, all you've ever known is now not good enough.

I'll once again recommend the article I linked earlier in this thread.
It's good starter reading if you're interested in the sociology of this topic.

and the dictionary at the end





gotta keep up with the lingo

Sorry cola - I disagree....

I'm defining the marriage not by opah, dr. phil, or any relegion. I'm defining it by the vows that two people make to each other.

It's interesting that reid picked out the traditional wedding vows that don't include the one about remaining faithful (keeping myself only for you)

It's easy to search the internet and cut and paste those vows, just like I did and search out the version that includes the faithfulness vow.

That's just showmanship.... The real living up to your vows comes when the rubber hits the road, and you realize this is f*cking tough going. You make get really horny for someone, who really wants you. BUT, you took a vow.

Love does show grace, compassion, and mercy....that's the fun part of love. Love also shows a hard core of steel that the two of you are one, and no one can break that. Love and marriage is when 2 people are forged together. Love is not for wusses cola.

I show no condemnation - reid already knows the answer, she just didn't want to hear it.

The part about not knowing much about this marriage is a cop out....You can say that of almost every single person who comes on here and has a situation. Of COURSE we don't know much about this person. But living long enough and being observant enough does develope one's skills of reading between the lines.

cola - I don't know much about you yet, but you have said yourself you are young. That's no crime , but what seems like love and commitment at one point in your life can and should change drastically as you mature.

I read somewhere, and it is so true, that we have become a "click" generation. At work, at play, if something isn't right, we can just click it away, or click a change, as if the original never was.

For reid, and mark my words, no matter if this marriage lasts all their lives, ends badly, or even ends on good terms, the fact that her husband had sex with another woman will always be THERE. There in her heart, and there in her mind. You may say it is not an issue, you may tell yourself it is not an issue, you may come to believe on various levels it is not an issue, but it's always going to be THERE.

______

Bella - we know each other well enough to know our stance on marriage. I'd say we are in the the same pew, as it were.

I'm just not so sure about a marriage that starts out from the very beginning with a willingness to share the most obvious outward sign of love.
I'll have to think about that. But on first pass, that wouldn't seem like much of a marriage to me. It just would never be equal, since I believe one of the partners would most likely take advantage of this open season on sex, and one of the partners, maybe even the same one, would develope jealously of the other.

You and me, personally? Hell yeah. My hubby even thought about thinking about suggesting that, I'd kick his ass.

But in all honestly, the couple I know that has a rather unconventional marriage is quite happy. They are very affectionate when together, don't show signs of "outside happy, inside miserable". I actually asked her how they dealt with it and how I couldn't begin to wrap my mind around the concept and she agreed that most (99%) of couples can't do it. But they can because that's what's normal for them. You or I can't fathom it, I know. But I love these people dearly and I know them well enough to know that they aren't faking a good marriage.

Read the article ehBeth.

From reading all the different scenerios in the dictionary......sounds like too much work for me....I can barely make a stop to pick up dinner on the way home.

My overall impression.....On the whole, young marrieds that haven't been married that long, who are very much into their own selfish needs.

I'd like a followup on some of the people who are the third party. Did they end up feeling used? Did they develop an affection toward one of the couple and want it to lead to more? Did it?

It just all sounds so "sex in the city" and "everybody who's in with the in crowd is doing it"

They sounded like they hadn't gotten clubbing out of their system yet. Engaging in a makeout session up against a car in the street while her husband was out of town.

Please, grow up.

oh, not you ehbeth, the woman

Wow, you ask for advice, get lectured to (not by all you folks, admittedly). Remind me never to go to a2k with anything too personal ...

'We tell it like it is', yeah, "this is a relationshp forum" (said CoastalRat). Exactly. What are relationship forums for? Preaching to people? Didnt think so. Why would you even join a "relationship forum" thread - CR, say - when the entire issue discussed is something you cant imagine, wont imagine, cant understand and can only condemn? Whats the point? Getting to feel righteous?

nimh-notaswinger-butnofanofmoralindignationinrelationshipforumseither

Open relationship? What is it that is opened?

I think the richness that will grow in a marriage where both people make love only to each other, and communicate well over the years, growing together not in a stultifying way but a basically supportive mode for each other's being... can be just about sublime, exhilarating. But marriages are thick and complicated and fall apart and coalesce again, can be rich with resentments, flailings. Many marriages weather tough stuff. I think indignation at how others deal is pretty overheated, kind of a gloss from above in some way.

I admit to the whole open marriage thing being groovy as a construct I don't take as workable... what was that book, anyway. I think I read it and tossed, back in the seventies. I'm not all "you fools", though I think it is foolish - unless there are children.