Open relationships: Can they work?

Welcome 2 A2K.

In my opinion, if it ain't broke don't fix it.

If you both love each other, why bring a third party into the relationship? You may tell your self that no emotional relationships are allowed, but love is a funny thing and not easily controlled. Once you bring other people into your happy relationship there is no telling what will happen.

Also, how do you stay loyal while sleeping with another person?

That is my two cents... someone else will be along soon to tell you something else.

Doesn't it seem like a warning sign if the very first time he brings up acting on this idea, you feel jealous?

What is your phone number? What are you wearing?

Is your husband home right now?

So many questions. So little time.

Personally, I think you're crazy. You love each other but want to have sex with other people? So much for that till death do us part crap, right? You don't love each other, you don't even know the meaning of the word love. But hey, as long as it's fun and you get off, what's the harm, right?

Geesh, I guess love ain't what it used to be. So go for it. But when he leaves you in a few years for some bimbo he hooked up with, don't come whining here.

NOTE: Yeah, I know I'm a bit harsh here, but that's just the way I feel and I don't see the need to sugarcoat it. But welcome to A2K.

riedlinl-

I know a couple who was in a similar situation. It backfired on them really bad. It's not worth it.


"emotional relationships are off limits." --You can have sex with another person, but make sure you don't develop feelings for that person? Let's be real.

I think that an open relationship can only work if that is the way the relationship has always been. Meaning, you have never not had sex with other people.

I think that they can work, with the right people and the right circumstances. But I can't imagine how to make them work or why anyone would want to.

I do have a couple that I am friends with who do have an open relationship in some ways, and for them, I haven't heard of any issues with it. They are happily married. But if my husband came to me and asked me for that, I'd never be able to stomach it.

I think it is a very personal choice that only works in a very small number of relationships and only if that's the way it's always been.

Thanks everybody for your replies.

I'd also just like to remind people to please not judge our level of commitment or love within our relationship. Not everybody gets married under the traditional vows nor follows the same rules. I don't think it is fair to say whether I know what love is or not.

I was only asking if people have had the same experience and what happened. I'll say that last nite my husband did come home, and he did have sex with this woman, and I had mixed emotions, but it didn't come between us. We talked about how both of us felt and agreed that perhaps it wasn't for us. I consider that a healthy relationship that entered a period of experimentation and that experiment didn't work out.

What do you think? Could you allow somebody to experiment?

Nope. Absolutly not. That's cheating in my terms, and a deal breaker.

Maybe I am too young to understand where you are coming from... but my view on the situation is it seems that your husband wanted to sleep with this other woman and once he did he decided that you guys shouldn't continue like this... another words, he wanted permission to have sex with another woman and not get in trouble for it and once he accomplished that, then he backed out on the original plan, another words, you can't experience what he just did...

Sounds to me like maybe your husband is just manipulating the situation.. could be wrong and all.... but doesn't sound good to me

good point....

I'm with Bella on this one.

In my opinion it can sometimes work.
Takes a lot of really really good clear communication.
I don't think it's possible for the majority of couples.

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There was an interesting feature on this recently in mmmmmm New York mag.

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found it

The New Monogamy - Marriage with Benefits .... click

from the end of the article <before the dictionary>

Question reid....

Who exactly came up with the idea of an open marriage first?

I read you post and see that you wrote "we" were.....

But really, don't dodge the question. WHO first uttered any words about open marriage, sex with other(s), etc. I'll take one guess.

I guess I'm speaking from some sort of experience here, since at one point I was the other person that one partners of a married couple was being "open" with. I even met the wife a couple of times, she didn't seem to have any objections.

Honestly, at the time, I thought nothing of it. That is until I started getting more attached to this person, and he to me.

Eventually I moved, so it was broken off.

I can't say I feel guilty about it, but I would be the first one to say I should not have done that. What I did was just plan wrong, coming between 2 people who are supposed to love each other enough to marry.

Now, looking back, I can see the wifes perspective. Was she really all right with this? Or was she willing to put up with this, wanting to keep her marriage?
Did she see other men? At the time I assumed so, but thinking about it now, I really don't know.

The bottom line was I was single, having a good time, selfish, and didn't give a damn if I was a home wrecker or part of an open relationship, or whatever it was.

Think for a moment about the woman your husband slept with. Do you think she really gives a crap about this open arrangement? She might a little, but not as much as you should. This woman if single, is free to sleep with whover she wants, yet, she makes the decesion to sleep with a married man.
This doesn't make much sense. If all she wanted was sex, she has plenty to choose from.

If you get 3 or 4 people in a room together, it is impossible to get even a consensus on if the temperature is comfortable.

If you have a devoted married couple, no matter how compatible they are, they both each have their own past experiences, opinions, prejudices, projections and so on.....Even the most happy couple cannot ALWAYS decide on which movie they should go see, how can you expect two people to come to a meeting of the minds over an important thing like this.

I told this one before, but one time a bf asked me if I would ever consider a threesome. I actually thought about it for a second, and I was feeling adventurous. So I said "Welllllll, Maybe. But only if I can pick out the other guy."

Other GUY! No way! I didn't mean with another GUY!

I didn't understand that at the time, I mean, it's a threesome right?

Today, I understand totally. My bf wanted to screw another woman, and this was getting my permission.

Think about it reid, even if by some incredible coincidence you and your husband have the EXACT same interpretation of what this means, and are both enthusiastic about it......What are the odds that one or both of you will find other people who not only suite you sexually, but also have the EXACT same interpretation of this deal as you two do?

Hmmmmmm?

Thinking back, I didn't give a rat's ass about this other guys wife. But I knew how to say the words he wanting to here. Bidding my time.

Would I share my husband? Not just no, but HELL NO.
Would my husband share me? Oh My God, just thinking of his reaction to anyone who expressed interest is the scariest thing ever.

Why is your husband will to share you? Are you worth so little to him?

Do you think sharing your husband will keep him around?

That's how I would feel. Why would you want to share me? I don't want to share you....

About 18 years ago my then live-in boyfriend and I met a nice couple through a volunteer social event. They were attractive, intelligent professionals in their early 40's. The woman and I became rather friendly and would meet after work and go to museum or movie on ocassion. One day they invited us over for dinner and asked us if we would like to go a "swing weekend" with them to the tropics. I would not even consider it, not on moral grounds so much as the idea of my boyfriend being with another woman. My boyfriend also agreed it was not such a good idea and we all parted with no hurt feelings, but it put a damper on the friendship.

About a year or so later I ran into the woman at a local market, not only did she have the biggest herpes sore I'd ever seen on her upper lip, but she mentioned her husband left her for a younger woman and she was dating a stock broker. Neither a happy ending or a scientific study, just my experience for your consideration.

that sounds like so typical an ending greenwitch.

I wonder if the other woman the husband took off with was another swinger.

More importantly, if this other swinger marries the man, I'd bet a million dollars she won't be having any of that swinging stuff going on.

I admit I was dying to ask her, but couldn't get up the nerve. It would have sounded like "ha ha- I could've predicted that one". I also was thinking
"who gave who that big honkin' sore and what can't I see?".

Thanks everybody, your posts make me laugh.

To answer everybody's question, who started the idea first, well, surprise, it was mine. Not that anyone needs details, but talking about being with other people in bed has always been a high point for us. So, I thought maybe we could make it a reality. Like I said earlier, an experiment.

I was sorry to read that many people thought my husband was just being a dog and wanting to have sex with other women. It was quite the opposite. I wanted to see what it was like, and I suggested it. My husband is a wonderful, generous, romantic man, and thinks of me in everything he does. We just happen to be open to things that are uncommon.

Of course, if you read my earlier post, neither one of us ended up liking what it felt like. Yes, he enjoyed the sex on a "nothing but sex" level, but he also felt like he wanted to be home with me...so in the long run, I don't think we are worse off.

I have had the belief that we are all humans, we have needs, we have wants, and we have desires. Don't tell me that you guys out there don't have fantasies and might like to act on them? That's what we did (with mutual consent), and it all worked out fine.

Also, I don't own my husband, nor he I. Well, that's not true. I own his heart. And when he came home last nite and told me all about his experience, it just reconfirmed what I already knew.

Oh, also. About the swinger with the herpes sore. I hate to break it to everybody out there, but that is the most common herpes vein, and it can happen to you even if you have only kissed one person or had sex with one person in your whole life. So give the lady a break