gf assures sex will improve after marriage.. should I marry?

Right! I don't think you'll ever experience fellatio with her.

Dbtoronto--



Your girlfriend does not like sex. She does not appreciate sex as an expression of love before marriage and as I said earlier, after marriage, she will quite possibly accept sex-for-procreation.

Sex is important to you.

Sex is not important to her.

She has all sorts of reasons that she does not enjoy sex with you...roommates, parental regard, possibility of pregnancy.

Has she ever expressed the notion that sex is important to you? Has she ever tried to understand that you see sex as an expression of love?

Or is the focus of her discussion that YOU should understand HER?

If you raise the question of post-marital sex with her, she'll either welcome an open discussion or go all blushing and inarticulate to avoid discussion.

You'd better talk with her and find out exactly what you will be marrying.

db, I just wrote a long post and lost it to the winds so you're going to get the shorter version but here goes...

It sounds as if you know what you want to do but you're uncomfortable walking away from a 6.5 year relationship on a feeling. Your feelings are what you see is what you are going to get and you're probably right. One of your previous posts mentions her willingness to have sex once there are children on the scene. From everything you have described I am almost sure that she will not be a sex kitten when little Tommy or Sally are in the next room. At that point it isn't only about willingness, exhaustion plays a big role as well.

Some women are not open to the idea of oral sex. I don't think that in itself is an indicator of her sex drive. A better indicator is that she has been with you for the past 6.5 years, has lived with you for many of those years and doesn't appear to be the initiator in the occasional sexual acts you have managed. That to me is a better indicator. How often has she been the one to initiate sex? If she's never jumped on your lap, ripped your clothes off - at least figuratively - and made love to you on the couch, kitchen floor, or in the shower, then I would say the meter is neutral to cool.

I said earllier how I can see that Catholic guilt holds a lot of weight for many women. Sometimes, as Noddy said, the guilt carries over into the marriage and sex for procreation is the only purpose. There's no crystal ball with marriage db, you only get to see what's in the future by living it. You're still a young man. You're worried about a life of semi-celibacy. It's a valid worry but the right choice for you can only come from you.

hehe, Slappy and I were both talking about sex kittens at the same time. Don't tell me I'm starting to think like Slappy

my 2 cents come from this:

"our level of intimacy was only as frequent as the time alone provided for... I excepted this ..."

acording to anastasism (a new psychological movement - not a religion - I will never be a goddess again <g>) ... it means that, for some reason, you needed this challenge in your life.

this is a misspelling of "accepted"- an exception being something that you think you're being a "cool"guy for doing. that's stupid. this is REAL LIFE - you have to look out for YOU.

just random, probably crazy-sounding thoughts.

please see arji's signature.

My ex the playwright etc. used to ascribe people's motivations to fear, especially after one lecture he attended, which of course drove me nuts... he came out of the lecture lecturing. I didn't then and don't now ascribe everything to fear, but I see the point, it has a pretty wide purview.

Still, your point is whether you should go ahead with this, and, me, I wouldn't. (I'm an older woman, so this is very conjectural.)

On the other hand, I may not be from your culture, or you mine. I may be wrong. In my associations and my readings, people usually have desire first or near first, and then deal with the realities of life.

I guess it is possible in various cultural situations to have desire advance in time. Me, I wouldn't consider for a minute betting the rest of my life on that if it wasn't there at the wedding.. Desire is important to me. Not that I mean to convince you to see my way.

I've read a few of the above comments, but not all, so excuse me if I repeat anything.

Dude, do NOT get married to this woman without having fixed this problem first. This is a disaster waiting to happen. It's not selfish or childish to say that sex is a VITAL part of any marriage. It's an expression of love and intimacy that is on a whole other level than anything else.

Just think about it. She's going to keep holding back on it, years are going to go by, and your going to REALLY start to get the itch. Along comes temptation (and it will, in one form or another), and there's a strong chance that its going to get the better of you down the line. Sex is like air, you don't really miss it until you don't have any. Then it drives you nuts.

Hell, I might even go so far as to test her willingness to change by saying "Look, I'm going to get sex/enjoy blowjobs. Whether or not its with you is your choice. I have needs as a man and your [future] husband". She has to realize how nuts this situation is. Because man, its really, really important.

You have the rare chance to avoid a trip into the minefield. Too many guys realize this problem after its too late. Take advantage of it and make the right choices. Good luck.

can you define an "intimate relationship"?

well...
...I come to the conclusion that sex will definitely not improve after marriage. It may be somewhat frequent for the first part of our marriage, however, I'm certain that she will continue along the same path as she has for the past 6 1/2 years. She will recycle old excuses for not wanting sex as...'I'm afraid of getting pregnant', 'I have a stomach ache', 'my hip is sore'... the list goes on.
I have much respect for her and her family and I'm stuck in that if I break up with her due to our sexual incompatibilities, what on earth could she say to her family members as to why I called off the marriage and broke up with her? Can anybody help me with this dilemma? This is what stopped me from breaking it off last week when we were fighting. I just don't know what to say. Ladies, is there something else I could say to lessen the blow that she will feel? I'm torn

may I suggest you find a prostitute, or a more "suitable"alternative to satisfy this urge? <g>

I am NOT being shitty.

But that makes me think of something else:

In my sexual fantasies, I have come to realize - the people who are giving me oral sex are people I want to communicate more with.

(I could be more ... well, I could explain it better, but I do think your PROBLEM is a juvenile one, and I'm worried about eating tomorrow (THAT IS AN EXAGERATION!), so ... I don't have the patience to be anything but honest.

Look, mister - do you want a whore, or a partner?

And that question is the god's honest truth.

but, then again - I am a PHILOSOPHICAL drunk ...

http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/tests/drunk/

craven, if I make a REALLY good web page - can I have that "sexual fantasies"link, please? <sweet smile>

anastasia... I think the absinthe may be interfering with your thought process. You call my problem juvenile?? Juvenile would be getting a prostitute which would in turn be cheating... I will not sink to that level as you suggest.
I understand that you may just like to see your post counter increase daily.... please do so elsewhere. If you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all.

Please don't marry because you can't figure out what to say not to. Please don't trap yourself, and her as well, for years.

Be a cad if you have to... but back off (Back out entirely, in my opinion.) Take the blame on yourself if that makes her look better within her family and friends.

I say that while not understanding your cultural circumstances.
Still, I am not for volunteering for a long life of little sex.

You might be surprised, some time later, no matter what they say now, that some of those people agree with you.

Er, not that you should lie. One thing I've learned over decades is not to do that. Silence is better than lying.

just simplicity. I do not wish to marry.

Period.

no, juvenile - i am sorry, sir, is thinking you need a specific form of sexual - or ANY kind of gratification - to have a successful marriage.

I am NOT talking about partnership - keeping in my mind, that's something different. you DO seem to need it to have a successful partnership, in your case.

it's not absinthe, it's rum - and I'm not drunk enough to go to sleep yt, and I'm NOT slurring, so - yeah.

I'm not insulted.

and all of this is just - of course - my opinion.

anastasia... you have the same outlook as my fiance. By your last statement where you express that it's juvenile to think you need any kind of sexual gratification to have a successful marriage, how do you explain entire forums dedicated and even multiple posts here whereby spouses have the same issue as I?
I only challenge you as you must have the same outlook on relationships as my fiance. Perhaps you have posted, in the past, the issue of your partner having a high sex drive and he must have a problem? Funny how I never see posts with that being mentioned.

so ... did you ever think she may be right?

<sweet smile>

I'm guessing you're about 28?

Re: well...


why? why "torn"? it's obviously VERY important to you - and obviously a symbol of a good marriage (although I will note that you haven't - to my standards, defined what an "intimate relationship"is, and I asked the question ... )

I believe, in fact, you called me a "drunk" instead. (oh, sorry - were those my words? then he didn't say it, right?)

so?