Hopefully I can get most feedback from women on this but here's my situation.
I've been with my girlfriend/fiance for 6 1/2 years now and living together for 3. We have been engaged now for 7 months and our wedding is in the summer of 2006. It's sad but now that the wedding is fast approaching, I'm beginning to wonder if I want to marry.
Here's the problem.
Before we lived with one another, our level of intimacy was only as frequent as the time alone provided for... I excepted this and it never became an issue as we both lived with our parents and you just don't have the same amount of alone time in this case.
After the first couple of years, I moved out and had 3 other room-mates.. she still lived at home. In this 4 months that I lived with room-mates, we had sex once or twice and her complaint was that she was afraid of someone hearing us or coming home. I managed to understand and live with this until we eventually lived together.
For the first year of living together, we had another room-mate which was one of my friends. Our sex life still saw no improvement as her excuse became one of her going off the pill because she hadn't made an appointment with her doctor. Other excuses were that my friend might hear us or come home, and that her roman catholic parents trust her tremendously with our living together and if she were to somehow get pregnant, despite going back on the pill, her parents would be devastated. To top it off, she was teaching religion and this was also on her mind.
Eventually, we ended up getting into a fight as I expressed my concern and desire to have more of an intimate relationship with her. In the end, she said that she would make an effort to be more intimate. Well, some time has passed and our sex life is still the same.. even despite my proposing to her. I'm lucky to have sex once a month. We're both in our late 20's and there are no kids, medication, history of depression, stressfull jobs, etc.
Here's the breakdown of our most recent fight. I told her that our level of intimacy is still bothering me and that we need to do something about it. What she told me was that the main issue is still her parents and her being affraid of getting pregnant and breaking their trust. She then assured me that when we are married and these worries are no longer an issue, if our sex life doesn't improve, she will seek whatever help she can to better things. My problem is... is it a worth while risk for me to take? Ladies, is there any hope for her? Is she just confused and making excuses for a low sex drive? I'm really torn on this because I honestly don't see myself being happy with her if she is just going to treat me like a friend... despite the fact that she always hugs and kisses me.
On a side note.. i do sweet things for her... I cook, clean, etc. I'm also a good looking and very athletic guy. What do I do?
Is your complaint that the sex is infrequent or that it is not satisfying?
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Linkat
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Fri 14 Oct, 2005 07:40 am
To be honest, I don't know if there is any way to know for sure if it will change. It really could be the guilt if she is very committed to her faith. Or it could be a number of things. I remember having frequent dreams of my parents walking in on me and my boyfriend - probably of the result of guilt. So guilt can be a funny thing - and Catholic guilt is about the worst.
On the other hand, the promising side is she said she would seek help if the problems continued after marriage. My question is - do you think she is really sincere in this? If so, then I don't see an issue - she is willing to work on it if you both find it is still an issue. But I think you have to feel that she is sincere in finding a solution. Even though marriage is not based on sex if you are not both happy with your this aspect, it will affect every other aspect of your marriage so it is important to resolve.
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dagmaraka
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Fri 14 Oct, 2005 07:47 am
my question is: how much are you willing to sacrifice, should your sex life not improve after marriage? Would you be there for her and try to work on it and seek help and whatnot, or would it stress you out so much that the marriage itself would not be enjoyable? In other words, how important is this to you in your future marriage?
If you think you wouldn't be able to handle the worst case scenario, then you probably do need to rethink your future with her. People are different, so it pretty much depends on what you imagine for yourself, say 5 years from now.
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shewolfnm
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Fri 14 Oct, 2005 07:55 am
I think sex is a huge part of a marriage.
Good sex in a marriage is only 1% of the relationship
Bad sex is 99%
if the only thing that is bothering her is her guilt from religion and family.. then that could be solved with marriage. BUT- i question that solution myself.
If she is worried about how her parents feel because they are catholic, she wouldnt be living with you. People who live together have sex, plain and simple. Her parents know that.
But there needs to come a time when her life belongs to her and not her parents feelings.
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CoastalRat
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Fri 14 Oct, 2005 08:07 am
db, welcome to A2K. I think you and I could spend a good bit of time talking about this one. I think our situations are somewhat the same.
Without being too long-winded, when my wife and I married I found myself in the same boat. High sex drive for me, low sex drive for my wife. She often seemed as though sex were more a chore than anything else. I figured I had two choices. Accept things as they were or leave. But everytime I got frustrated by our lack of intimacy, I fell back on the fact that I loved her and that sex was only a part of marriage. I married her because I loved being with her, doing things with her.
Over the years, our sex life has gotten better. I think there are several reasons for this.
My wife and I have been married now for nearly 24 years and to be honest, we probably make love a bit more often than we did during the early years of our marriage. And it is better too.
But the point I guess I am trying to make is this. Do you love her? Do you enjoy being with her and doing things with her? Do you want to spend the rest of your life making her happy and being loved by her in return? If so, marry her. Accept the fact that the frequency of sex may not get better. Concentrate on making the quality of the sex better.
But if sex is the biggest reason on your list for getting married, then walk away. Because quite frankly (imo) if it is the biggest reason, then the marriage will fail regardless of how often you have it.
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dbtoronto77
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Fri 14 Oct, 2005 08:29 am
Thanks everybody for the promptness of all your responses. Anyway, I can tell this is more of a mature forum and I'm glad I came across it. You all have given me a hand in starting off my resolution process. I guess in reading some of your remarks, I've come to realize that although she may be willing to seek help, which I think she's sincere about, I'm almost convinced that our sex life will eventually become what it is today... especially once kids are in the picture. I don't think there's much that can be done for a low sex drive. I don't expect her to take pills for that as there would likely be some sort of side effect.
In hearing that most married couples experience lower intimacy rates than before marriage, I'm guessing that it won't get much better.
I could be wrong that it won't get better but at this point I'm a little apprehensive about getting married to her as I know that I will be very bitter if she decides to not take this serious after marriage.
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Phoenix32890
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Fri 14 Oct, 2005 08:34 am
Apparently, your girlfriend seems to always have a handy reason for her not having much sex with you. When one reason is no longer viable, she comes up with another one.
IMO, I don't think that anything will change after you are married. One of the other posters mentioned that if she were so concerned about her parents' feelings, she would not be living with you.
I think that if and when you marry her, you need to be prepared for a marrige without much sex. If you are willing to do that, fine. I think that a six year track record is more than enough for you to extrapolate as to what your married life will be like.
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sozobe
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Fri 14 Oct, 2005 08:40 am
I'm sympathetic to what you're saying about the possibility of her just having a low sex drive, but the religion part really could be an issue. That makes sense.
From what you said, I can't decide which of the following scenarios makes more sense to me:
1.) She simply has a low sex drive and doesn't particularly want to have sex, and keeps finding new excuses for that, excuses that have a solution in the near future. As in, first it was the fact that you lived with your parents -- you moved out. Then it was the roomates -- you moved somewhere on your own. Then it was the pill. Etc. In that scenario, "after we get married" is just the latest excuse and will have the same outcome. Why didn't she just say she wasn't comfortable having sex until marriage in the first place?
2.) In the second scenario, she's young, rather confused, quite religious, and loves you a great deal. She's wanted to stay with you long-term from early on, and didn't want to scare you off with saying things like no sex until marriage, but that is how she felt. She is deeply uncomfortable with the idea, plagued by the thought of getting pregnant out of wedlock and how shameful that would be, and just can't relax. She's managed to get through to this point and can't wait until you're finally married -- coming so soon -- and she can make like a bunny rabbit with a clear conscience.
If it's the latter, it would be a sort of an O.Henry story to cut things off now. What you both want is just around the corner.
But really hard to know. "Ask her" is obvious, but the problem is that even if it's scenario A, she may answer more towards scenario B.
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Slappy Doo Hoo
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Fri 14 Oct, 2005 08:52 am
That would drive me crazy to no end.
To be blunt, I'd leave her. I don't see how it's going to get better, she keeps making excuses. Imagine what it's going to be like if you have kids, you get some additional stress in your life, and she still won't have sex with you? She's going to tell you she's too tired, ect. Her excuses suck, too. Afraid of getting pregnant? C'mon, if you use birth control the chances are slim to none.
If it's bothering you that much, take off. There's plenty of women out there.
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CalamityJane
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Fri 14 Oct, 2005 08:58 am
I agree with Phoenix. If she would be that concerned
about her catholic upbringing, she never would live in "sin"
with you or have any premarital sex at all.
So, this excuse is not very believable in my book, plus I think
she is not honest with you and pushing you into a marriage
that is build on lies and deception from her part.
I would not marry anyone whom I have to coax into
sex once a month. Sex is an essential part in a relationship
let alone marriage.
Any how, I like what coastalrat had to say. There is much more to marriage than sex. But both in the marriage have to be willing to sacrifice. She must be willing to try and get help and he must be willing to work with her and be patient. If neither is willing to do these things, even if sex improves, there could be problems in the marriage. Both people sacrifice in marriage over lots of other things than even sex.
In this situation, I think with help even if it is a low sex drive and not guilt or anything else, she can be helped. She might also be insecure about sex. It sounds like she doesn't have much experience around sex, is she uncomfortable or self-conscience about it? There could be many factors here, not just low sex drive. I would think some help now, would be in order. Then you could work on this before marriage and have less "baggage" to be concerned of when you get married.
It also sounds like (I definitely could be wrong-just sounds that way to me) that you want an excuse to jump ship. I can't imagine that some one, who really loves another person and wants to spend the rest of their life with, isn't willing to try to work out an issue. Especially when the other party seems sincere in trying to work it out.
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Piffka
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Fri 14 Oct, 2005 09:20 am
Good point, Jane, though many Catholic girls are sexually active, it is because they have a strong drive to do so.
--
My advice:
I think if you and she are truly dedicated to making this relationship work, begin a class in Kundalini yoga together. Tell her this is essential to your staying engaged. You want to burn, she should be burning for you. If she cannot arouse herself in Kundalini or if she says no, then you have your answer.
The comment by shewolf about 1% vs 99% is true. Sex needs to be a strong part of your marriage.
(Of course... and I don't want to be offensive here... but it could be your technique, so the Kundalini is also for you. )
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JPB
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Fri 14 Oct, 2005 09:34 am
I can see how the guilt could be affecting her. There's no way to know for sure beforehand whether it's just guilt and things will improve or if it is, in fact, a low sex drive. Only the marriage vows will tell you for sure, but it's difficult to enter into a marriage worried about your sex life. This is a tough one for you.
You've already decided that you have issues with the intimacy of your relationship. I think two people have enough to overcome to make a marriage successful without entering into it with doubts. I think I'd walk from this one.
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material girl
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Fri 14 Oct, 2005 09:49 am
Its yours and your gf's relationship not yours, your gf's and her parents, somebody said the parents need to butt out and it should be now, especially as yuor living together!!
I can understand trying to be intimate with a houseful of people with the chance of someone coming in is very offputting,cant have put her in a relaxed mood.Push a chest of drawers against the door.
See how evil religion is!!It makes yuo (usually women)feel bad about doing something completely natural between 2 people who love each other!!How bizarre is that!.
I reckon, as she is so religious and has the added guilt of letting down her parents if its obvious that you and her have sex,that marriage is her only route even if its only to stop feeling bad about things, not just sex.
So maybe marriage will make her more relaxed and ok about it, but , its only a ceremony, not therapy, not a tablet, just a piece of paper,Im not sure how that will change things.
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Noddy24
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Fri 14 Oct, 2005 10:23 am
Evidently in your girlfriend's scheme of things, Living In Sin isn't really Living In Sin if sex is infrequent.
Quote:
Our sex life still saw no improvement as her excuse became one of her going off the pill because she hadn't made an appointment with her doctor
If she enjoyed sex and felt it was important, she'd have made that appointment. I notice her excuses seem to blame a succession of circumstances.
At present you really aren't Living Together. You're Playing House.
Her lack of enthusiasm for sex is either because of "low sex drive" or "Catholic guilt" or both. If she believes that sex is only for making babies, she's not going to change because of marriage. You'll have two kids.....and probably lots of "headaches".
Seek counseling before marriage or be prepared for Man and Wife and Catholic Dogma in the marriage bed.
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CalamityJane
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Fri 14 Oct, 2005 10:43 am
Yes Linkat, I can relate to that. I was raised as a catholic,
attended catholic schools and the guilt part is not easy
to overcome, however, if one is in a committed loving relationship and has a wedding date set, catholic guilt is
a minor byproduct, especially when living together.
I like your idea Piffka, for Kundalini yoga, should she indeed
feel uncomfortable with intimacy and sex. One should exhaust all avenues before making/breaking a commitment,
however there comes a time, when a decision is in order.
Noddy, you made a viable point concerning her appointment with the gynecologist, she's neglected to follow through, and is using as an excuse not to engage in intimacy.
I just see too many red flags popping up that would be an indication
for me, that this women is not sincere.
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flushd
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Fri 14 Oct, 2005 10:56 am
How have you put up all those years with so little sex?!
Honestly. Most guys I know love sex. Many are absolutely obsessed with it to the exclusion of many other interests. Do you have a low sex drive yourself or have you been stuffing-down your own wants and needs for her all these years?!
(You don't have to answer this on a post, but just answer for yourself).
I've been in situations where all odds were against me seeing my bf and I've always managed to find a way to have some fun. Sex has always been important. After six years she would have found a way to make it work if she cared about it.
I don't see her changing. Even if she does.....it really sounds to me that there are other dynamics that are questionable in this relationship. She makes excuses, she manipulates, she hasn't tried to make something work after six years.
The important thing is what you want. If you don't want to marry her, and this is something too important to live with for the rest of your life, then don't marry her. Better to decide now than afterwards.
Tough situation. Hope you find a happy resolution for yourself:)
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dbtoronto77
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Mon 17 Oct, 2005 09:07 pm
thank you
thank you all for your feedback... again I must comment on the level of maturity in this forum.
I have been giving my problem much thought and am wondering why I have waited this long to decide what I will do. I guess its the continual promise that things will get better once we're married. Another question I will ask the women on this forum is that, if her problem is getting pregnant, why won't she be orally intimate with me? I'm even willing to forgoe intercourse for the time being.... I'm willing to accept just that, however, she has no interest and finds oral sex hard to do. Does this answer my question of her sex drive? Does the fact she is not willing to partake in oral sex, with it's safeness and all, tell me that she really has no desire to have sex in general? Is the marriage excuse just that?
I mean really, if she had any sort of sex drive she would find a way of working around the guilt if she knows what makes me happy right??
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Slappy Doo Hoo
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Mon 17 Oct, 2005 09:35 pm
I hear you...I don't know how you can stay in this relationship. She won't have sex with you...won't give you oral sex...maybe some people can say this wouldn't be that important to them, but obviously it is to you, and it doesn't sound like things are going to get better once you're married. Marriage is most likely a security blanket to her, and I'd guarantee she's not going to turn into a sex kitten once that ring is on.
)
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